Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Well that's that

(116 Posts)
onefewernow Sat 23-Feb-13 08:58:25

Name changed for this, but big hint given. (Had to, I have seen MN on his search history).

Well, that's that, a row last night, and he's gone.

I am stunned, relieved, shocked.

But it has been coming, and then some.

I don't know who you are but are you ok? Do you want to talk about it?

something2say Sat 23-Feb-13 09:04:09

Been ther done that! Do you think he will stay gone?

onefewernow Sat 23-Feb-13 09:08:07

I think so. Its been a long time coming. He was unfaithful for five and a half years, he says online. Discovery 15 months ago, with Relate, and some changes, and lots of apologies etc etc. He made some effort to change himself, to be fair, he did, but he is what he is. Which is fundamentally selfish , and always putting me last.

I have had three hours sleep, so not sure how much sense I can make, and may sleep again later.

The kids are aware.

Be kind to yourself. Which is a wanky bollocks phrase I hate, but... don't expect too much of yourself.

onefewernow Sat 23-Feb-13 09:21:13

I do think he wlll stay gone. I hope he stays as far away as possible- he talks a good line, and the kids lives are going to change alot over this. Obviously for the better too, but there will be alot less money, and I may be on benefits for the first time in my life. I do work, and have a contract now, but the days per month are unreliable, as clients can be.

onefewernow Sat 23-Feb-13 09:26:23

He marched off in a temper, spouting some feeling sorry for himself bollocks, at midnight. He took his work bag, ipod and laptop, and has since drawn £300 in two separate amounts in cash, for some reason.

There had been a row involving an issue with a child, the youngest. The older two (12 and 14) were not pleased with him, and the youngest (12) had to be reassured that it wasnt his fault, but ours.

dondon33 Sat 23-Feb-13 09:56:28

I think I know who you are/were - obviously won't say and probably wrong anyway.

Sorry this has happened to you and your dc. This guy doesn't sound like he deserves you after what he originally done then still is selfishly putting you last.
Do you think he's possibly had enough of the 'effort' it takes to repair what he done - sounds like he went fairly easy.
Don't stress yourself over having to go on benefits etc.... there's absolutely no shame in it - get yourself a solicitors appointment asap- will he be ok with paying you maintainance for the DC? if not then go through official channels.
What account is he taking this money from? a joint one meant for the family or his own because I wouldn't be too happy if it was family money he was ciphering out.
What about your house, will you be able to stay there?
Take care of yourself and allow the dc to distract you.

arthriticfingers Sat 23-Feb-13 10:00:54

I am guessing who you are, and, if I am right: Thank Heavens!

onefewernow Sat 23-Feb-13 11:19:51

Thanks all.

Original name contained two numbers. Dont think he will trawl right through, and sod it if he does.

Yes he has had enough of the effort or, rather, enough of me complaining about the insufficient effort.

What i discovered over a year ago changed me. Reading MN, too has helped me to identify a pattern and see his behavior for what it really was.

He agreed after our row that we were almost back where we started, recently. When I said I didnt think it was fixable, he went, and in a temper.

I think there is a limit to how much he can change. I think it relates to his background, but that isnt my issue- I've finally learned that.

It was never going to go well once I started meaning my boundaries, rather than having a row then letting it lie. And I think, doing some of the kid stuff my way for a change has made him feel controlled. But if anyone controls, it is him.

SomethingOnce Sat 23-Feb-13 11:46:58

I can't work out the name riddle, but I am glad to hear you are free of him and I hope for the sake of you and your DC that he stays gone.

Can you change the locks and take all the money out of any joint accounts?

ImperialBlether Sat 23-Feb-13 12:06:34

OTBT?

dondon33 Sat 23-Feb-13 12:07:38

You are who I thought.
Fuck him if he wants to sneakily read what you're writing then let him try - you've got nothing to hide and have done nothing wrong - although in his eyes I imagine he see's MN as very wrong for showing you that you don't have to shut up and put up - for providing you with the info needed to empower yourself and make changes - and for giving you the tools to be able to understand and recognise the 'script' for patterns and behaviours.

How fucking dare he 'have enough' of making an effort. 5 and a half years of online cheating ! that, I imagine, would involve a real huge fecking effort. 15mths of trying to save his marriage is relatively small in comparison.
Of course you are right and very brave to realise that whatever is behind his behaviour, is absolutely not your fault, nor can you change it - that was for him to realise, accept and act accordingly to address it.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 23-Feb-13 13:37:17

Got your PM and came on here to look for you - as I said in my reply, I had a feeling this would happen. Hope you are ok and that you are getting RL support?

x

something2say Sat 23-Feb-13 13:48:14

Ok so you said it is probably over, and he huffed off??

I think the main thing now is for you to have a good think about why you said that. You probably believe it to be true, and if so, there is no point in contact between you for a food length of time, to help you change and get used to the distance.

My advice would be for you to test, sleep, think and talk it out, and avoid avoid avoid him. Xx. Well done, brave choice but honest.

If it is a bad job, the best way to good is to end it. Or something like that anyway!!!

onefewernow Sat 23-Feb-13 14:33:17

No, there was a row about the youngest child refusing to come off my laptop at 1030, and context was half term, kids home, him away working Mon- Weds this week , including a trip to football match with mates Tuesday (no trouble from me there).

But there was trouble when he watched football Thursday night, and didnt even mention it beforehand, and then I was annoyed as Friday was our first evening together and he was wanting to watch what he wanted on TV, as he had a hard week. He did, but I was interviewed for a tender by panel on the phone, can you believe yesterday, and muddled round kids all week, cleaning , cooking, a bit of work, etc etc.

I had said in the morning after the thursday night that he put me last, after work, football, hobbies, and kids, and that it was no longer a good enough offer for me, after last year, and all the promises.(thanks Bridget Jones!)

The the laptop issue started, he didnt back me up that much on it, and then said when I was annoyed he got cross too and said that it was 'all about me'.

He yelled at the youngest and the eldest (for which he apologised by text this morning apparently), and then went to bed.

So I said what I said (have discussed with him my worries that it wouldnt work out quite a few times recently), and he left.

Apart from that, he has been coming to bed later than me generally, texting/calling far less when away, updating the kids before me, and I did also notice a few phone/laptop deletes after he had been away. They might be nothing, but I suspect porn, and he said he would stop.

As he should, as sex is back yet again to once a month, and he cant keep it up anyway.

What a fucking mess.

onefewernow Sat 23-Feb-13 14:40:20

I think that he thinks I am having a tantrum, though he hasnt left before.

He agreed things were back to a poor state, he'd agreed it for weeks. But when I said that we should discuss what next, as I didnt think they would ever work out (cant remember my exact words), he got up and left, saying something about how he wasnt any good to anybody.

I dont think he was ever fully honest about his infidelities, either, not that I will ever prove any more than I have.

He had certainly started to withdraw agaiin.

I think he fundamentally distrusts women, or people, and he expects to be accepted by me as he is, regardless of what he wants to offer to the marriage or family.

I just cant. Believe me, Ive tried. Im simply not patient or low key enough.

Sorry for rant, got to get it out somewhere.

arthriticfingers Sat 23-Feb-13 15:07:56

I think tried is an understatement!
Seriously time to think about you.

dondon33 Sat 23-Feb-13 16:02:10

It definitely sounds like he's been detaching from you lately.
The 'no good to anybody' comment hmm He caused this so why does he think he deserves any pity.
Did you mention the deleted history to him? - I imagine, him already having a very dubious history online, that you told him what would happen if he deleted anything that you later found.

I just cant. Believe me, Ive tried. Im simply not patient or low key enough
Don't blame yourself for this - you tried, you wanted to make it work, you've given far more than it sounds like he deserves tbh. You'll never win this battle when only one of you is trying.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Feb-13 16:09:23

Can I just say - you say he has withdrawn money from accounts, i would be very careful becuase that may have been the daily limit - don't let him drain your bank account!
You sound very brave and together - i admire you

muddyboots Sat 23-Feb-13 16:09:55

Recognise your story from another thread.

He has hurt you so badly and although you both might blame his past you cannot love him unconditionally after everything he has done. You have tried, you have given it a really good go and he can't change.

Stick to your decision. You can't continue to be unhappy. Thinking of you.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 23-Feb-13 16:45:01

Sounds like he is the one who has not been trying hard enough and the red flags you mentioned suggest that he may be up to his old tricks confused

Why would he need so much cash?! Sounds dodgy....

Now is the time to focus on yourself and your own needs.

Charbon Sat 23-Feb-13 17:25:08

I recognise you and remember the thread where you chronicled all the dodgy behaviour that had no plausible explanations, over many years. I've also noticed a shift in your from your most recent posts, so I'm not surprised (or sorry tbh) that it's come to this. Not that this will make you feel much better right now when things are still so raw and so I just wanted to offer a hand to hold along with many others who have come to admire your generosity in helping so many other people in similar circumstances.

I think you're right that you have undergone a far more seismic change process than your husband and I'd say you've reached the point where the cognitive dissonance has finally been swept away. You've learnt to recognise the familiar tell-tale signs of his retreat into old behaviours and whereas in the old days, you probably wanted to believe the unbelievable, now you can see no gain in that.

As for him, it sounds like as well as a return to his old ways (I too would be suspicious about the history deletions, the ED, the low sex drive and the cash withdrawals) he has re-enacted manipulative behaviours of the past i.e. his self-pity masked as self-flagellation.

I hope you'll stay strong and take this time to reflect at length and that this won't be dominated by his decisions and actions.

onefewernow Sat 23-Feb-13 17:29:54

God knows why he wanted cash.

Re RL support , my sister has texted me but I have fallen out with my brother (and the last person I need to see- he was also having an affair, apparently).

Maybe he wanted me not to be able to trace him, for some reason.

Separating money will be a nightmare, as we have a company, not that there's much in it, and both of our current pieces of work pay into it. If I freeze it, and before we have even submitted our 2012 books, then neither of us can access cash.

Longer term, unless I get some more work, and him too, we will not have enough to run two homes, and we only moved the kids (again) in May.

I think he has partly detached. I'm not convinced there are OW this time. But I think he finds me critical, and I think he is the kind of man who is defensive, and who wants a quiet life entertaining himself. He thinks I always blame him and never myself.

He did say recently, during another row, that he lacks empathy. I have also had to work hard to get him to support his mum a bit recently, given the crap his adoptive sister is giving her (that sister has serious MH issues, and has been sectioned recently).

Muddyboots, I was on your thread, eg 10.07 last Sunday.

I think he wanted to make it right, and that he does sort of love me. He can be alot of fun, and is very clever. But he is too selfish, and lets be honest, sustained change of that sort is a big ask of anyone.

I have no idea what I will do next, and am too tired to care today. Maybe next week.

I have had a few anxious 'am i making the right decision' moments today, but I am trying to remind myself what I would, and do, say to others. My sister says he is 'sucking the life out of me', and he has certainly taken alot of my headspace, and for far too long.

Thank you all. I do feel less alone.

onefewernow Sat 23-Feb-13 17:34:40

Thanks Charbon, we cross posted.

I dont really trust him, tbh.

"his self-pity masked as self-flagellation." Yep. I read the Patricia Evans book on verbal abuse, and really saw alot of what he is like, even though he is not aggressive. The mind games. Although much less these days, but still there a little.

Mind you, he is fucking angry underneath it all, and with the whole world, and hardly denies it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now