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I think I am going crazy.

(46 Posts)
MissAliceBand Sat 23-Feb-13 01:00:45

That's it really.

I am going mad, I am so unhappy, so very fucking unhappy. I wish I could go to sleep and just never wake up

But I can't sleep. Ever - it's so damn frustrating. All I can do is cry and cry and cry.

Which isn't really going to get me anywhere.

And I think my relationship with DH is fucked. He doesn't like me very much at all. Which is probably fair enough because I don't like me either.

I am so completely useless.

Fuck.

I also probably swear too much

Sunnywithshowers Sat 23-Feb-13 16:45:33

Ow, your poor eyes smile I hope you enjoy the swimming

MissAliceBand Sat 23-Feb-13 16:01:00

Hi. I am ok I think, still in a bit of a funk, I feel on the edge of tears but am taking the small one swimming in a bit which will be fun grin

And as a bonus disguise my hideously swollen eyes with chlorine.

alittletime2 Sat 23-Feb-13 14:24:35

How's it going, Alice?

Socrates91 Sat 23-Feb-13 03:03:10

Good night and don't let the bed bugs (your husband) bite. brew

Darkesteyes Sat 23-Feb-13 03:01:16

Sleep well and take care xx

izzyizin Sat 23-Feb-13 03:00:03

It seems to me you've hit the watershed; reviewing your past life as a child with all of those aspirations and ambitions to be 'more' and comparing it to the present and finding that, through choices you made, you haven't become 'more' than what you are today.

But what is 'more'? Did you want to be 'more' through achieving fame and fortune or immersing yourself in academia? Did you want to become 'more' in terms of becoming a better person?

What is stopping you becoming 'more' now?

Sleeping pills won't work if you don't take them, Alice, and it may take some time before your sleep pattern becomes more (o dear that word again smile) in sync with the majority of the population rather than that of night owls such as myself.

Btw, it seems to me books and your childhood are inextricably entwined as a place where you felt safe and had all of the future before you in which you could become whatever you wanted to be.

But our childhood dreams and intentions don't always work out as we hoped and/or planned and, if we experience frustration with our daily lives as adults, there is a temptation to compare what we once wanted for ourselves with what we have and find it lacking.

Look at the 'lack' in your life and find ways to make it 'more' fulfilling and more satisfying than it may currently appear to you to be.

Socrates91 Sat 23-Feb-13 02:58:58

Knowing maths and science doesn't make him smarter, since I bet you would whip his ass at Jeopardy!.

Plus, I would say being a knowledgeable writer is the most important sign of intelligence (which needs knowing words and history and yes reading a lot of books).

alittletime2 Sat 23-Feb-13 02:58:50

Sleep well xx
Darkesteyes, me too.

alittletime2 Sat 23-Feb-13 02:57:24

About this making light of things. How bad is it in your relationship? You seem to be valueing your h's maths and science above your books, words and history. I don't see how they are comparable, both are vital. Does that come from him? Does he see himself as being more clever than you?

MissAliceBand Sat 23-Feb-13 02:56:52

Right I am going to attempt sleep because I really am tired.

Thank you all, I have stopped crying I really do appreciate you talking to me thanks

Darkesteyes Sat 23-Feb-13 02:56:16

Yep ......its good advice to follow. If someone had told me that when i was 18 it would have saved me a lot of hassle and heartache.

alittletime2 Sat 23-Feb-13 02:52:32

Darkesteyes: If you go home with someone and they dont have any books ....dont fuck them!
Think this should be written at the start of all books. Then we'd all know.

MissAliceBand Sat 23-Feb-13 02:50:41

Oh over and over again. That said there are some that I just cannot get into at all. Like Emma, never got more than a quarter through that.

I am not very clever though. DH is much smarter than me. He is all maths and science. I am books, and words and history. Things I love but aren't much use blush

Darkesteyes Sat 23-Feb-13 02:47:26

Sorry to hear what you are going through OP. I love books and reading too.
Your h sounds like an abusive arse and you deserve better.
Agree with alittletime. Anyone who hates books is an arse.
Somone im following on Twitter has this written as her profile......

If you go home with someone and they dont have any books ....dont fuck them!

alittletime2 Sat 23-Feb-13 02:45:09

Now that is bad shock grin

Socrates91 Sat 23-Feb-13 02:44:31

How many times do you re-read a book, Alice? Can't you just renew a library book if it's such a captivating read. I envy you, I could never re-read a book unless it's erotic and then it's just only the good bits. blush

You must have a big brain and know words a mile long.

You also might be suffering from OCD. And it might be a coping mechanism for the stresses in your life, namely your husband.He doesn't seem to respect you much does he, if he knowingly makes you weepy?

MissAliceBand Sat 23-Feb-13 02:43:44

grin Now see I have a real soft spot for Iago - which is probably not a good thing.

alittletime2 Sat 23-Feb-13 02:42:54

I think he needs to learn to be more accepting of you as you are, and to learn not to be aggressive and arsey. Have you tried couples counselling?

alittletime2 Sat 23-Feb-13 02:37:22

Anyone who hates books is an ARSE. Really.
And there is always a future, even if you can't see it. Just like there's always another book.
Long shot here, but if you grew up in books, you may have identified with the characters. Me, I'm 70% Alice in Wonderland, 10% Mary Plain, 10% Tess of the D'Urbervilles and an unfortunate 10% Desdemona. It's a problem.
Can you try another counsellor?

MissAliceBand Sat 23-Feb-13 02:36:35

I am moaning on aren't I. Sorry I don't do talking much IRL!!

MissAliceBand Sat 23-Feb-13 02:33:59

I do go to the library - problem is I'm a re-reader (word? Probably not) so if I find a book I love I end up buying it - sometimes on kindle! - so I can read it again... and again.

He is of course welcome to read them whenever he likes, as long as he doesn't turn the corners over shock

Luckily for himself I am crap at clothes and shoes grin Though I reckon he'd argue I still have too many.

My other issue is too (he says) expensive food - which as the fussiest eater of all time he doesn't get either.

I think we need to learm to communicate better but he thinks I am too emotional and weepy which winds him up, makes him shouty and aggressive, which makes me more weepy.

Socrates91 Sat 23-Feb-13 02:30:34

Read your post and your husband sounds rather obtuse not to mention abusive. The problem isn't the extra books but him I'm afraid. Ditch the drag and maybe you can still become what you aspired to be as a child.

alittletime2 Sat 23-Feb-13 02:29:35

Massive cross post, sorry!

alittletime2 Sat 23-Feb-13 02:28:22

Fair enough izzy! A compulsion to own lots of books could easily get out of hand. I have a compulsion to read lots of books, happily fuelled by oxfam and since most books go back there, no probs with the hoarding though my bookcase is groaning
Alice, about the safety thing, is it the words, or the presence of the books that gives you the sense of safety? Or is it the buying of the books?

Contradictionincarnate Sat 23-Feb-13 02:27:10

*second not sexing ... my phone grrr angry

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