Is it possible to regret having children, full stop?

[ProjectMoose]

I mean without that regret being tied to some form of depression?

I have two children, who are wonderful little people but I really should never have had them. I was very young when my eldest was born (18 but very young emotionally), I was very neglectful of his emotional needs and did not engage very well with him. I never connected with him and still don't really feel like his mother, it's as though he is someone else's child that I am caring for. I realised these feelings weren't normal when I had my other child and although I'm not bowled over with emotion, being a mum definitely comes more naturally with the younger child.

I'm racked with guilt over the way I behaved when the eldest was very young, I (just about) made sure his basic physical needs were dealt with but I didn't/couldn't engage with him in the way that a mother 'should'. I struggled to adjust to motherhood, I suppose that part of me shut down and I tried to continue my life as though I wasn't a mother.
I'm certain that the way the eldest is now (8 years old) is a result of this neglect, he does not maintain eye contact when speaking to others and is very awkward when it comes to cuddling or having close contact with others, he is quirky in a number of other ways too but academically seems to do fairly well.

I don't know how to move forward from this guilt, the way I behaved was horrendous and I really have no idea how social services did not end up involved and removing him from my care. Things are much better now, I put the children's needs first, do not drink alcohol or smoke and I'm focused on much more positive things than going out and getting wasted every weekend!! But even so, I still can't shake the feeling that I should never have had children.

I realise there probably aren't many people who have parented as badly as I have (although it would be great to hear from others who have turned their lives around and completely changed) but does anyone else regret having children? I don't think my feelings are part of any mental health issues, the feeling of regret is quite constant, even when things are going well I am always aware that I have made very poor choices. I feel really guilty for bringing my children into the world, they don't deserve any of this.

This is not something I feel I can discuss irl, I don't think I need a doctor/counsellor iyswim? These feelings are normal for me, I just need to know how to handle them so that they don't impact (any more) on my children. Maybe some self help book suggestions would help?!

phew that was long, apologies for rambling!

[BookWormery]

You're probably not half as bad a mum as you think you are - you're thinking about what you have done, made changes etc. you're clearly considered and trying your best which is much better than a lot of people do!

I don't have children (I hope to soon) so don't know much more to say really but I did read about 'lovebombing' the other day.

This is the book. Worth a look maybe? www.amazon.co.uk/Love-Bombing-Childs-Emotional-Thermostat/dp/1780491379?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[BookWormery]

Also I really recommend counselling. I had a great therapist a while ago. Really helps your thought process and is very cathartic. It may well help with your guilt and other feelings.

[ProjectMoose]

I've seen lovebombing mentioned on Mumsnet before, I'll have a look at the book now, I think my eldest would definitely benefit from it. I don't think I could talk to a counsellor about these feelings, I tried counselling a couple of years ago but I just felt really silly and self indulgent, I find it really difficult to speak about my feelings, it's much easier to write things down for some reason! Thanks for replying

[BookWormery]

I worried therapy would be really self indulgent and I suppose it is a bit but it's not necessarily bad thing. You spend time and money getting your hair cut or buying make up or buying an exercise DVD or.... Why not invest in your brain/emotions too?

If you thought it was silly then fair enough but maybe you didn't have the right therapist or didn't give it long enough?

I think you would be surprised if you talked to friends. I think a lot of people have similar fears and feelings. I certainly have heard friends express similar emotions to you.

I'm already worried about not being good enough when I eventually have dc so you are not on your own OP

[Sulawesi]

Don't feel silly, you can sometimes write things down for counsellors if that helps? Finding the right person really can make a difference in coming to terms with things and assuaging some of the guilt .

[Sulawesi]

I have children and constantly worry if I am messing them up for the future by not having patience, spending enough time with them etc. That you care shows you care.

[Socrates91]

Some people are not suited to have children. It's a big responsibility and if your heart is not in it, it'll make it that much harder to do well or even adequately. But you have made your decision so do the best you can, (seek outside help) love them as much as you possibly can and and NEVER resort to violence.

[shadesofwhite]

OP you might be saying your DC's were unexpected but NOT unwanted. All there is is that you are questioning your parenting skills. Dont beat yourself to it about what you should/shouldnt have done because you certainly can't reVerse it. Focus on the future, to me it sounds like a wake up call(correct me if I'm wrong). Like other posters have said, love them as much as you can and spend time with your DC1 to try to rebuild that relationship. It can make a massive difference. But first of all, please try some counseling again, you might nOt want to disclose every detail but you can speak about your concerns/worries about the future. Im sort of in a similar position and I'm going through counseling to help me precisely with parenting issues.

Be strong and love your DC's, they are like 'mini' you IYSWIM, but for you to do so, you have to love yourself and raise your confidence when it comes to parenting. We are all human and are bound to make some mistakes in the course of our lives. You are not alone. Sending (((((((hugs))))))

[shadesofwhite]

Oh, as for your headline question, I thinks,.. Yes, its possible to regret having kids and without the help you need, you'll end up resenting them and they live with it. You personally wouldn't want that from your parents so why put innocent babies in that position? ( counselor pointed that out and got me thinking) . my two posts may be contradicting but like I said I'm 'sort of' in same position,,long story thoug

Goodluck.