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Money worries pushing us apart(11 Posts)
Going to try and keep this brief. Married 15yrs, 2 lovely kids under 11. Me and dh get on brilliantly have a laugh, great teamwok parenting, lovely extended family, both of us have lots of friends. Lots to be grateful and happy about.
We do however have horrendous money problems that have been going on for 7/8 years. Came to a head 18mths ago and we are now hopefully through the worst but now credit blacklisted for 10years, huge mortgage, massively in debt (but under control in a debt management plan) . Dh is self employed full time. I am self employed part time
I am naturally an outgoing, chatty, emotional, passionate person. Dh is calm, collected and quiet. We work well together as a couple or have done in the past.
Situation over laat 6mths is that dh copes with money worries by becoming distant going in his shell not talking very much, he doesn't vo out anymore with his friends and is just permanently working or thinking about work and money.
I cope with money worries by doing anything and everything to take my mind of fhem. I have 2 hobbies and clubs that I belong to, live on Facebook and texting, go out with my friends (for walks a coke) and do loads of exercise.
As a result we are now living totally different lives and just drifting apart and becoming disconnected.
I have talked fo him told him I am worried about him, said he needs to do something else just to give him a break from thinking. He is no longer affectionate, sex has always been rare And rubbish between us but he has, in the past, been kissy and cuddly and holding hands etc. Thisa has
He says he is ok, just utterly wrapped up in work and money and that is all it is. I feel bad complaining because I know he is slogging his guts out to try and make things better for us.
I am just worried that if this carries on there will be nothing left of me and him to save!
Anyone experienced similar? Do I just take him at his word and let him get on with it?
( I am 99.999% sure he is not having an affair. He has sexual issues which means that he doesn't like sex, he has been like this site since I have known him. I have checked his phone and emails and facebook, he never logs out of anything and it ia all just work, work, work stuff)
can you research debt relief plans via Citizens Advice Bureau etc and provide DH with the info so you can work together on a plan longterm?
My initial thought is he is depressed or falling into a depression - if you have a
plan sorted together would it help? Sorry if not v helpful OP
Thanks but we're under control now with the debts. Got a debt plan and it is much much better, we can now pay mortgage (most months) and in 10years we will be debt free. It still hangs over us though and we live hand to mouth cos of being self employed. He is just desperately trying to get us in a better place.
He sounds depressed to me too but after speaking to him tonight I believe him when he says he's ok and just wrapped up in himself. He said I just need to let him get on with it!?!
would you do things together like sit on sofa next to each other, is there any physical contact ever between you? Does he cook dinner at weekends for the family? or does he work 7 days? Any obvious health problems he may be worried about? he sounds worried about something. I would go gently with him and he may be more forthcoming. Hard though if you are trying to be a mindreader. How do your kids get on with him?
Have you thought about bankruptcy?
It sounds to me that the stresses of the past while have meant that you've fallen out of the habit of being a couple. It might sound silly but you can change it by taking really small steps to open things up between you very slowly. From what you say he has issues with intimacy and so the prolonged period of being quite separate from one another has meant he has closed off. You could try "opening him up" without putting pressure on him. So tomorrow when he comes home from work, smile, hug him, give him a kiss, ask him how his day was and then carry on as normal. Next day, do the same but later in the night just plant a kiss on him and tell him you love him. Monday night, ask him his opinion on something - politics, whether aliens exist, whatever and really listen to his answer. Ask him questions. Keep up the small touches of intimacy. Maybe next weekend suggest a quick walk, nothing too intimate or pressured. Hold his hand and give him a squeeze. You get the idea. Slowly, over time, just build the intimacy into the day.
If he doesn't respond to these small moves at all, then you have a problem and perhaps counselling is on the cards. My guess is that he will respond though.
Basically your aim to is to make him feel special and loved, to bring his focus to the now and to you and away from his worries. It is a rare person that doesn't respond to a little affection, some smiles and a sincere interest in what they think.
Thanks for the replies. Over the last few months I have tried to carry on like normal, so kissing him as he passes, spontaneous hug, tell him I love him, ssitting next to him on sofa. He hasn't pushed me away but just seems so distant, like his mind isn't on it. He is by no means being horrible or cold just distant.
We've talked tonight, he says he knows he is being distant and not as affectionate and 'its just work and money and stuff'.
He is being his usual lovely, affectionate self with the kids!
Sorry, meant to say over last month I have just stopped cos am fed up of getting nothing back and have got wrapped up in my own lifestyle.
With your differing ways of dealing with the stress of money worries, it seems to me you're in danger of becoming the opposites who initially attract only to repel and, unless you reach some accord as to how you can both best fulfil the needs of the other, the chances are you'll grow apart and your marriage will wither on the vine, so to speak.
If you're unable to bring about the desired change in his attitude, I would suggest you look to joint counselling with Relate or a similar organisation.
Hmm given your later posts I think counselling is the next step.
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