Mumsnet Talk

On POF;
I am never knowingly in fashion. I have been described as a cross between The Duke of Wellington and Magnum PI. I go to the gym 12 times a day (14 times on weekends). Let's face it, I'm built like a brick shithouse. I have more tattoos than Edinburgh. My motorbike has more power than Geoff Capes. I speak with a disarmingly smooth French accent. I am an animal in bed (chinchilla). I have a portfolio of property that makes Kensington look like Billingham. I believe I can fly. I can fly. I taught Cliff Richard the secret of eternal youth. I look twice before crossing the road, sometimes thrice. I brush regularly - hair, teeth, pets (where applicable). I am an ex-member of the magic circle (still know the tricks). I never judge a book by its cover ? softback, hardback, e-book, whatever. I never judge a judge by her lover. I close all gates behind me, except in airports. I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth. I make any dinner feel a banquet. I am kind to dumb animals. I am dumb before kind animals, and afterwards. I never put the cart before the horse, or the chicken before the china shop. I let the tail wag the dog, and the dog lead the blind. In the land of the one eyed blinds-salesman I am king. I am the cloud in the silver lining, and the househusband with the pile of ironing, and the boy with the last ever bottle of empty white lightning. I am ad nauseum, ad infinitum. I am your buy-one-get-one-free cheapest item. I am a beta male. I am the tortoise on wheels, the turbo-charged snail. I love my mother. I wash daily (minimum). I eat up all my greens. I leave the legs on insects. I keep my eyes above, always above, a lady's neckline unless invited lower (in writing). I help old men across the road. This is what a feminist looks like. I keep my fingernails clean. I bite my fingernails. I no longer have any fingernails. I am all ears. I am more than just ears. I cannot tell a lie. I fillet, chop, dice, and slice. I never stop. I last a lifetime. I mow the lawn. I remove unwanted facial hair. I get rid of embarrassing spots. I deliver the pizza. I lengthen, and I strengthen. I can help get rid of your gambling debts, and quit smoking. I'm a friend, and a companion. I'm the only thing you will ever need. Follow my easy assembly instructions. I never need ironing. I take weights off hips, bust, thighs, chin, midriff. I can find you a new job. I can give you minty fresh breath. I can get rid of your traveler's checks. I'm new. I'm improved. I'm old-fashioned. I never need winding. I get rid of blackheads, and the heartbreak of psoriasis. I'm effective at getting rid of household odours. I disinfect, and sanitize for your protection. I am fully guaranteed. All money back if not completely satisfied. Your statutory rights are not affected.

Reviews:

"The thinking woman's Clive Dunn... what's not to like?" - Heat magazine
"The most eligible bachelor since Edward VIII fell for Mrs Simspon" - Tatler
"... girls are fainting in droves for this Teesside Adonis" - Evening Gazette
"Funnier than Gary Wilmot" - The Sun
"If you like him, you should put a ring on it" - Beyonce

Yep!

Oh Yes!

Yep!!

Another yes. But you have to go on a date with him and you have to come back here and tell us all about it.

Definitely!

With a GSOH like that...definitely.

Yes!

He sounds like a twat. I think I'd be eternally single should I ever get divorced.

Please! And then report back.

How about a live date thread? You could go to the bathroom a couple of times to update us.

Or have a friend strategically placed in the restaurant/coffee shop to do the necessary?

Yes please! Ooh, what would you text, then?

Ooh, I've just changed my mind upon re-reading.

Even though he fillet chops, slices and dices, he doesn't say he makes julienne fries.

I'm sorry, but that's my dealbreaker.

:-) at HDee - he could be a complete twat, or a comedy genius - it could go either way.
that's the 'fun' of online dating !

Still disappointed by my 5th online date, earlier this week. If I can muster the strength, I'll message him and definitely report back.

Havent strategically placed a friend in the next booth or anything before, will def have to try that.

Oh yes!
I like him

Yes!!!!

omgosh - how did you ever manage to read all that? Noooo run, run fast and for the hills.

Definitely yes!!

He could be a laugh, at least it's a bit different.

He sounds like really hard work, sorry.

The fact that he mows the lawn would be enough for me to message him!

Trying waaaaaaaaay too hard. Just guessing but I think that he would be all about him, not much time left for you.

I would google this. It does not read as if written by someone who is not a professional writer. Also, spells cheque, "checks" (US spelling) so suspicious of plagiarism.

I've read versions of that profile about 3 times. This guy may be the original, but I doubt it. Avoid.

No-one in the US has ever heard of Billingham (no-one south of York has ever heard of Billingham), I say it's genuine. Message him! Does he have a profile pic that we can go and judge?