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Something terrible happened last night...

(194 Posts)
Felix77 Fri 22-Feb-13 15:12:05

Hi there,

Thought I might post as its been playing on my mind and wanted to see what others thought. We have two year old dd who is the love of our lives and she is very 'mummy demanding' at present. Im still breastfeeding her so some nights she will call out for me in the night. I'll usually go in and comfort her as my husband, although he offers is usually in a very grumpy mood and has difficulty getting up at that time - he will usually complain, swear and carry on abut her waking so I just tell him to go back to bed. Lately things have been changing. My hubby has been stressed at work - I have also (I work PT and also study and he works FT). Last night DD cried out - I waited for a little to see if she would settle and didn't so I went in - bf her and put her down but she wasnt having any of it. So I asked hubby to see if he would do it, (a very rare occasion indeed to see if she would stop fussing for me) he went in, sat down yawning and said to her "go back to sleep" in a stern voice. I poked my head around the corner and whispered "do that thing you do with her". Anyway he started swearing at me telling me to F off (in front of the child). I went in and told him to stop - DD crying and screaming for me at this point. so I told him not to worry and go back to bed. He went to the spare room and as I brought her in with me (in the back ground he was yelling out) I was so furious with him, I went to the bedroom to tell him how insensitive he was and he was still swearing at me. I had a glass with about 50 ml of water in it in my hand and so I threw it on him and told him he needed to cool down and control himself. Anyway this was a big mistake as he jumped out of bed yelling "you Bitch!" and chased me to the bedroom where DD was, he grabbed me by my clothes and shoved me forward and backward so I feel over on my back. DD was crying again crying out "mummy". I was terrified that she could see what was happening. My husband swearing and yelling at me at this point - grabbed me again and through to the hallway and I fell against the stair banister. I told him to get his hands off me and he stormed downstairs. I went back in to be with DD to calm her down - her heart and my heart was beating so fast it took me hours to get back to sleep. This morning he acknowledged that he was wrong for swearing but seemed to have a mental block for being physical. I told him that shoving me and pushing me around was wrong especially in front of dd. i also have a mark on my chest from his fingernails. He said that she only 2 so she wouldn't know - however i disagree and believe this should never happen. It has happened before a few times in our 7 years of marriage but he has never hit me. What do you think about this?

growingroots Fri 22-Feb-13 17:55:07

I think this sounds like an incredibly unhealthy relationship. You should not be telling him his behaviour was out of order, that seems like you are asking for his approval that you are angry, you should be telling him to live elsewhere until you have both had quite a bit of space and probably counselling together and set down firm boundaries regarding future re-occurances. This is not good for a child to witness. And whatever you did to annoy him, his aggression was not excusable, it shows a total lack of respect for you and a lack of caring for your child.

kirstys23 Fri 22-Feb-13 17:59:24

I think you are both in the wrong. It was a stressful situation with the baby crying and you both having a lack of sleep. You say he has never been violent to you in 7 years. You threw water at him and he pushed you out of the way. I think all the posters saying 'leave him, it's going to get worse, the violence is going to escalate' are reacting disproportionaly. If he had a violent temper or was a potential domestic abuser I think he would have reacted very differently.

Try and imagine the scenario reversed. If he was the one that threw the water and she was the one that pushed him, everybody would probably say that he was in the wrong for throwing the water in the first place.

AnyFucker Fri 22-Feb-13 18:00:52

I would consider throwing cold water on someone an assault

I would consider what he did to you to be assault

I think you should end your marriage before any more damaging lessons are forced upon your daughter. I wouldn't be looking at who is most to blame here...it is waaaay past that.

ifso Fri 22-Feb-13 18:17:46

You poor thing OP. How are things now? Ge should be aware that a 2yr old may well be capable of telling an outsider what happened to mummy. Most importantly you say he has done this kind of thingbefore. Do you feel safe you deserve to feel safe and loved and protected.

PoppadomPreach Fri 22-Feb-13 18:22:14

I agree, AnyFucker.

mattysmum09 Fri 22-Feb-13 18:26:03

But he sounds like my partner wen he's woken or tiered and things can escalate...throwing water is never a good idea and would annoy me too!

ifso Fri 22-Feb-13 18:26:41

Ignoring the throwing water part for a sec - OP went in concerned to dd as she saw him say 'do that thing you do to mummy' and her instincts told her to step in to protect her dd

Then he started the anger and swearing. Then the water. A real man would have gone to the bathroom to dry off and calm down, not chase and attack the mother of his child like a crazed animal nearly pushing her down stairs! What if she had fallen?

Take photos of the marks op, show to gp get it recorded organise paperwork and see solicitor in their free half hour. Be prepared.

Do you want another 7 yrs of this? For dd to have these or worse flashbacks as a teenager?

hmmhmmhmm

LinusVanPelt Fri 22-Feb-13 18:31:06

ifso I think you've got that wrong. It was OP who whispered 'do that thing you do' - I think she was talking to her husband, not the child.

I think his actions were completely inexcusable and you are not responsible for them, OP. But your actions were inexcusable too, and I agree with others that you assaulted him by throwing water over him. His response wasn't self-defense, though, it was aggression, and I would not be able to trust him again if I were in your shoes.

AnyFucker Fri 22-Feb-13 18:34:34

Yes his response to the water was aggression

You threw water over him as a response to verbal abuse

Relationship fucked beyond redemption

End it as amicably as you can, before it descends any further

ifso Fri 22-Feb-13 18:35:58

Thanks, I see now, i misread it

ifso Fri 22-Feb-13 18:39:49

Wish he had just walked away to dry off and cool down in the bathroom - doesnt he yet know the basic rule it is never ok to push or shove or swear at a woman? When your dd grows up how will he treat her? Worried for both of you hmm

yellowbrickrd Fri 22-Feb-13 18:41:13

How is throwing water on someone assault? That's nonsense. Grabbing someone and violently shoving them back and forth and leaving finger marks is assault no doubt about it.

Spero Fri 22-Feb-13 18:48:07

An assault is putting someone in fear that you are going to harm them, so throwing water could count.

His reaction is more alarming because I assume he is bigger and stronger and could do more harm.

But both have behaved in a way incompatible with a loving and healthy relationship and there needs to be some kind of urgent attempt to deal with this as my bet is it can only escalate.

Can you talk? Do you feel this is safe? What is risk it will escalate again, particularly in front of your daughter? Never for a moment think seeing or even hearing this kind of thing wont absolutely terrify her and leave its mark. It will.

eccentrica Fri 22-Feb-13 18:56:25

Of course his behaviour is completely unacceptable but so is throwing water over someone, it is going to send their adrenaline and their 'fight or flight' reaction through the roof. Especially in the middle of the night when everyone's exhausted and not rational. It would take a pretty unusual person to walk away from that calmly in those circumstances.

I have been at the receiving end of domestic violence myself and I ended up being violent too - throwing things, smashing stuff, even hurting him on occasion.

I think you can get into unhealthy co-dependent situations where you both behave increasingly unacceptably and crazily. Fortunately I didn't have kids at that point, but sadly i had to end the relationship even though I loved him very much (and still do) and had been together over 10 years. For your daughter's sake you need to get out of this relationship and this situation.

PeppermintPasty Fri 22-Feb-13 18:57:13

How are you Felix?

yellowbrickrd Fri 22-Feb-13 18:57:25

No reasonable person could class throwing a small amount of water at someone as putting them in fear of harm. It is annoying and unpleasant, that's it. I can't imagine anyone daring to phone the police because someone threw water at them. To equate it with a violent outburst, laying hands on someone and shouting and swearing - that is trivialising real assault.

ifso Fri 22-Feb-13 19:00:45

'It would take a very unusual person to react calmly...'
I disagree with this - yes he could shout after he did it, but a normal decent man would have shut the door or gone to bathroom locked door to cool off surely? Not chased their female hunting them down and then shaking them all while dd screamed her head off? Wtaf? What a house.

Spero Fri 22-Feb-13 19:02:34

I have dealt with cases where throwing water was taken very seriously by the police. Admittedly a prosecution did not follow but the details of the investigation came up on advanced CRB checks and the thrower lost his job at a care home.

So don't trivialise what the op did - she doesn't.

Of course it is not as bad as being physically assaulted by a bigger and stronger person who could potentially kill you - but it is not behaviour that should happen in a relationship. What if she had thrown the glass in anger?

Lueji Fri 22-Feb-13 19:09:13

What if you had fell over the banister?

"It was an accident, your honour."

Nobody is perfect and this man assaulted his wife over a trivial thing.

AnyFucker Fri 22-Feb-13 19:10:26

The only time in my life I have EVER retaliated violently was when someone threw water in my face

If anyone knows my usual response on these threads, you will know I almost invariably take the woman's side, because mens superior physical strength makes this kind of interaction not a level playing field

But there is something very objectifying about flinging water at someone, and the cold sharp shock is enough to make you lose your rag.. I certainly did

But when that happened, the relationship was totally fucked and never had the potential to recover

So I say, stop the blame game and end it before this twisted mindset you are both in escalates further

Possiblyoutedled Fri 22-Feb-13 19:14:37

I agree AF my ex was extremely and life threateningly violent but the thing that sticks in my mind is sitting on the loo naked and pregnant and him throwing a child's toy if cold water over me repeatedly.
His reaction was inexcusable especially as he has minimalised it since.

Spero Fri 22-Feb-13 19:14:53

I agree with AF. Pointless trying to apportion blame, pointless trying to make one blameless.

Agree man more dangerous because likely stronger but this relationship is currently very toxic and damaging to everyone in it - mostly the child. If this were care proceedings, exposing a child to scenes like that would immediately be part of the evidence to back up assertions that she was suffering serious emotional harm and risk of physical harm.

AnyFucker Fri 22-Feb-13 19:27:09

Possibly, I am sorry that happened to you

I am not trying to demonise the OP here, I have a huge amount of sympathy

The water throwing was possibly because she has been goaded into it

But it doesn't change the fact it happened

End of relationship, if this is what communication between them has become

Fleecyslippers Fri 22-Feb-13 19:28:12

I was in an abusive relationship for 15 years. One of the assaults that my Ex admitted to during a court fact finding hearing involved him throwing a glass of beer in my face.
Do not minimise the Ops responsibility. I am totally anti violence at ANY level in a relationship.
OP I am sorry but I think that both of your actions mean that your marriage is in very, very serious trouble.

PeppermintPasty Fri 22-Feb-13 19:40:36

I wonder if there has been violence before. I can't put that thought out of my head.

Anyway, pure speculation on my part. I hope you're ok Felix.

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