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partner is going through a divorce, why am I getting upset?

(27 Posts)
friendlyanimal Fri 22-Feb-13 12:54:48

I am with a really lovely kind, gentle man and we have a really happy relationship. When we met he had been separated from his wife for about 10 years and she has a new partner for more than 4 years. She is now divorcing my dear partner on the grounds of 5 yrs separation. He doesnt like talking about his marriage as he wants to "forget" and "put it behind him" but from a few things he has said it sounds as though his wife was very independent and rather cold emotionally. He was an extremely attentive father even though he was not living in the family home for most of the children's growing up, but he spent any time his wife would allow with the children. (the children are now grown up). Dear Partner is being (superfically) very calm about the divorce, although I sense that he doesn't trust his wife and is nervous of the legal process and financial outcome. I am trying to respect his space and not upset him by going on about it, but I feel so agitated and emotional. I feel he has been treated so badly by his wife and is likely to be short changed in any financial settlement. I am concerned that he is too "laid back" about the process. I get so worked up but I feel I can't let the dear man know as that will just add to his burden. Oh dear!

PuddingWhine Fri 22-Feb-13 23:39:51

I briefly went out with a man during his divorce, and although I had really liked him, it turned me off him that he felt hard done by because his wife had got 25% of his pension. I felt like saying to him, what do you think , that you bring two children into the world and you don't take a financial hit? if you and your wife hadnt had children you'd both have big pensions, but you DID have children, so thta costs, either when they were tiny, or now, when they are almost raised and you split up.

He was a nice guy and I had liked him up til that point but he just seemed to have a sense of entitlement that parenthood be something that left his xw with an interrupted career, lower salary, lower pension...........

A dicorce aims to equalise the standard of living afterwards, in theory. In fairness to the OP's bf, he might not be worried about this. He might get this.

friendlyanimal Sat 23-Feb-13 11:09:02

Very interesting responses, thanks guys, and especially Wafflyversatile for helping me to understand where he is coming from and Babinage for helping me to see my own problem. There is a lot more I could say to explain, I totally understand those who say I shouldn have got involved with someone who was separated, not divorced, but we are where we are (as they say) anyway it has helped a lot to air this. Thanks all! xxx

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