Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Dh and fb swooping(131 Posts)
Silly question really, probably over analysing!
Dh rents houses to students. We have recently signed up students for the next uni year in a house of 3 girls and 1 boy. He has met them a few times and signed contracts etc. He said they were nice and was happy for them to rent off us.
This was a few weeks ago, but I found on his fb that he has searched for their profile pages. Now normally i suppose he would just be checking them out prior to signing them up to see if they seemed like responsible tenants. However, we signed them weeks ago and it is only now he is searching for them. He also only searched for the girls who are young and pretty and not the boy.
He may have searched for them online too, but no way of knowing!
Silly I know, but am I just being paranoid! Why is he fb spying on them?
There aren't any apps that accurately let you see who looked at your profile on FB, but I have my suspicions that facebook send you people who have looked at your profile in your 'people you may know' on the right side of your profile. There is no way to prove or disprove it.
There is absolutely NO way that you can tell who has looked at your profile. No application will ever be allowed that information & fb themselves have not programmed a way of telling you who has looked at your profile. When you come up on lists, it is usually a friends list & of course you have looked at their profile, they are your friend!
The apps that say they can do it just choose random names from your friends list!
"We have only slept with each other and so yes I do find it difficult if he finds other women attractive. I don't have a problem if I know about it, it's more if he does it in secret."
I'm afraid I simply don't think this is healthy, for two reasons:
- I've never heard of someone who only finds their partner attractive. I think you are setting yourself up for dismay if you want him not to find other people attractive.
- You've said it's difficult for you to contemplate him finding another woman attractive and you've also said you want him to tell you when he does. Why would he deliberately tell you he finds someone else attractive and hurt you and start a difficult conversation unless that attraction was something really serious? Especially as he may well see people every day that he thinks are somewhat attractive.
I think if you want him to be more open with you, you're going to have to work on your feelings of insecurity to create an environment in which he doesn't feel guilty about what is going on in his head, which he quite likely dismisses to himself as nothing meaningful anyway.
I don't think you sound controlling- I think you sound honest. I talked your situation over with my DP and both of us agreed that we would feel uncomfortable with the other behaving like that.
You've made it clear where your boundaries are- and he's crossed them, again and again and again. It's easy to do the 'surprised and upset' act. Much easier to do that then actually change your behaviour.
Escalating to perving over REAL women, young girls, that is just creepy.
I think you've done the right thing. I would do the same. I'm not saying leave him, but having the time apart allows you to think and decide how you feel. There is nothing wrong with that.
God I know I sound controlling. We have been together 20 years after meeting at college. We have only slept with each other and so yes I do find it difficult if he finds other women attractive. I don't have a problem if I know about it, it's more if he does it in secret.
I hate him looking at porn, especially when he says he doesn't and I then find out he's surfing the web for semi naked women just weeks after the birth of dd would make most women feel rubbish?
I was unsure if him looking at the profile pages of young women we know was linked to this. It's not nice to think of your dh flicking through photos of 18 year old girls even if there was no lusty intention.
He has a habit of promising to be one person and then doing something different in private to save my feelings be it money or porn. So it is difficult to recognise the truth as his lies sound the same as his truth. This is his pattern of behaviour.
I probably sound bonkers, I need to trust him and he needs to make me feel secure he is telling the truth. Bloody hell marriage is hard!
I think you're over- egging it. You're asking him not to do anything that may or may not upset you. From the sounds of his reaction, he didn't realise this would upset you. So it's unenforceable and open to misunderstanding.
Are you asking him to never look up girls in bikinis or anyone female on Facebook? That's enforceable, but really controlling. Imagine if a woman posted saying her DP was so jealous that she wasn't allowed to use Facebook, even with no history of cheating or inappropriate messaging - there'd be a chorus of "leave the bastard," wouldn't there?
Hmm, should have put after 'old' to show intended humour and not cause offence!
My ex DH got a bit giddy once when we thought some female students were moving in next door. He wouldn't check them out on FB because he is old, but if he had I'd have done the same thing I did anyway, which is snort derisively and laugh at him.
I think you're being a bit unrealistic if you think he'll never find anyone attractive again other than you. Do you really want him to be honest with you about this?
If he's only looked at them once by the way, that does seem to support his story, it's not like he's obsessing over them.
'There is no way of checking if anyone has been on your profile.'
That is the official line FB has to take, but I don't believe it personally. I am almost certain that if you click on a profile you then appear on the 'people you may know' list. I have experimented to see if this is the case and it appears to be.
I was more worried about people I've been checking out finding out that I've been checking them out, Cuddlemedolly!
The daily Mail has a soft porn page?
What on earth is that? Their readers would be outraged!
I think you are overdoing it. He has had his lesson now and if he comes back then you say " right you have seen how upset this makes me. This is your last warning. Do it again even once and you are out"
That should then bring him to his senses.
He does sound a bit pervy with the 18 year olds but the other stuff is more disrespectful to your feelings than anything else.
Thanks for your input Zaphiro. In regards to him being open nd honest, he should think about how hs behaviour can be interpreted. When there are issues re trust in a relationship, that person has to be so much more aware of their behaviour and how it can be seen. I will prob never know if he was looking at the profiles in an inappropriate way, but most student photos are of groups messing about so it is unlikely he would find anything to perv at.
It's whether you take the word of someone who you know is a great dh, but shows a repeated behaviour of low level dishonesty. After having dc3, he should be making me feel loved and secure. His actions don't always show that.
He is coming round tonight. What do I say to him? Am I being led a line? Am I paranoid? Has he overstepped boundaries?
There is no way of checking if anyone has been on your profile. If you don't want people to look who are not your friends, you can easily keep your profile private.
Can you tell if someone has looked at your profile?
Well pardon me, Op. You sure can see who has been searched for! This must be new. I apologise for my comment.
There is no way on fb of seeing who has looked at your profile, nor can you see a history of people you have looked up previously. So how do you know he has looked them up?
Hi Cuddlemedolly, glad you're back and haven't been put off by the infighting!
You mention his inability to be open and honest. What would you like him to have done differently this time?
It sounds to me like you're utterly exhausted, hormonal, and perhaps not thinking things through clearly. You sound like you love your DH very much. Is there any way he or family could look after the children so you could have a good sleep and think about what you want?
Edie, this isn't just about the fb searches. It is about his inability to be open and honest. It is a reoccurring theme whether it is about money, porn etc.
As I have said, if this was an isolated incident I prob wouldn't have given t too much thought. But he has history with being secretive (not just with porn) and so any unusual behaviour seems suspicious, which makes it difficult to give him the benefit of the doubt.
No, to be honest...to be totally honest, If theres an obvious geeky type, then I dont bother. Judgy? Maybe, but I can spot the shy and retiring types a mile off (maybe the guy was an obvious geek?).
And each time I do it, I do feel as though its a bit stalky.
I honestly wouldnt be having a cow over it based purely on gender...i just think, OP, it taps into pre existing insecurities.
Sounds like it could be feasible then. Only u will know if he sounds genuine. go with ur gut instinct hun
I feel for your DH if looking at a couple of girls on FB can leave his marriage in tatters.
Thank you for all of your comments. I would just like to emphasise that no way is my dh a threat of any kind to the students.
Firstly, yes he has a bit of history in looking at soft porn and he clearly knows my feelings on this. Just because he does this (as a lot of men do) does not mean everytime he looks at a woman he is being creepy. I have never ever seen him behave in a letchy way in front of women in 20 years.
He is adamant that he checked their fb profiles to see what they were like. He is pretty sure he looked at the fb profile of the boy, but ths wasn't done via the search but via the fb page and so wouldn't show up on his activity search. He searched for 2 of the 3 girls by fb search and found the other boy and girl via there age. He said he quickly looked through their pages to double check and be nosey that they were going to be good tenants. He only did ths once and for a matter of seconds and hasn't returned to their pages since (this is true). In previous years students have actually sent friend requests to him, but he has always rejected these.
He admits it looks bad, but he didn't think of how it looked until I brought it up I.e a midde aged man looking at fb profile pictures of young women. Whereas he said he saw it as a landlord double checking the tenants and their behaviour. We get students through the university and you often have to take them on face value. If I had looked at the male students, would this make me creepy? Although I accept that men have to be more careful.
I probably wouldn't have been so upset if things hadnt been so strained lately. A new baby and him looking at soft porn, with his history of mild dishonesty has made things difficult. I am feeling vulnerable and so interpret things in the worst way possible.
Yes he was very stupid not to think of how it looked, but that does not make him a dodgy, perverted man.
He is still away from home, I honestly think he is a broken man at the moment. He thinks his marriage is in tatters, when really it isn't about the act but him not thinking to be open and honest. It's like he has no filter on to recognise what is inappropriate.
I am not excusing his behaviour, I feel very down at the moment. I miss him and he is otherwise a wonderful dh and loving father. I really don't know where to go from here.
Fergus - but presumably you look all of them up? Not just the ones from the particular gender that you are interested in.
What can you find out about your house though? They must have wide open privacy settings.
Well, im a LL, rent to students often and ALWAYS look them up. Its a very good way to double check. Ive had my house trashed once too often, and the information is in the public domain.
Join the discussion
Please login first.