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Dh and fb swooping

(131 Posts)
Cuddlemedolly Fri 22-Feb-13 12:42:11

Silly question really, probably over analysing!

Dh rents houses to students. We have recently signed up students for the next uni year in a house of 3 girls and 1 boy. He has met them a few times and signed contracts etc. He said they were nice and was happy for them to rent off us.

This was a few weeks ago, but I found on his fb that he has searched for their profile pages. Now normally i suppose he would just be checking them out prior to signing them up to see if they seemed like responsible tenants. However, we signed them weeks ago and it is only now he is searching for them. He also only searched for the girls who are young and pretty and not the boy.

He may have searched for them online too, but no way of knowing!

Silly I know, but am I just being paranoid! Why is he fb spying on them?

Cuddlemedolly Sun 24-Feb-13 19:48:21

You're right izzy. I never know for sure what the truth is and I suppose that is what the real problem is sad

LittleEdie Sun 24-Feb-13 19:51:43

I honestly don't think looking at pictures that people have posted on a public forum is that bad. Even if he fancied them a bit.

You say 'he's a genuinely good guy'.

izzyizin Sun 24-Feb-13 20:00:38

For a male to look at a female profile does not, in itself, make him a sleaze

However, I'd hazard a guess that if a female was in her 40s and looked like the back of a bus your h wouldn't bother, and he fact he's bothered to search FB for your young female tenants and not bothered to search for your young male tenant's profile says it all.

You'll go round in circles and drive yourself crazy with this, dolly, and you're best advised to cut through his crap to the chase - lay out what is acceptable and what is not acceptable to you and make it clear to him that if he crosses the line again you will be giving consideration to divorce because you are not prepared to live with a man you cannot trust as far as you can throw him.

Southeastdweller Sun 24-Feb-13 20:34:57

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I think he's a lying sleazeball and if I were you I'd be worrying about what else he's lied about or withheld from me, as well as being concerned that he may be eating up with the students alone. Agree with izzy - time to lay down the law.

Cuddlemedolly Mon 25-Feb-13 00:07:31

Well we've had an enormous row. He's sleeping in the spare room. I am totally miserable.

How many times can you forgive someone for telling lies and trivial inappropriate behaviour.

Buzzardbird Mon 25-Feb-13 00:58:28

Oh dear, sorry to hear it has escalated.
I did think that it was a bit Eeew looking at the girls fb pages but could be a lot worse.
hope you can sort things out.

izzyizin Mon 25-Feb-13 01:08:36

Sooner or later you'll simply run out of patience with his continual lies and inappropriate behaviour because it isn't that he doesn't know to behave - he knows it's wrong, he knows it winds you up, but he does it anyway and it's massively disrespectful to you and isn't going to set a good example for your dc.

If not now, at some point you'll have to give him an ultimatum along the lines of sort yourself out, rein yourself in, and start behaving as if you've got a moral compass, otherwise it's over because life is far too short to waste on this crap.

Who needs constant low level stress from a man who's intent on behaving like a lowlife? hmm

Diagonally Mon 25-Feb-13 17:24:19

Hi OP, sounds like the problem you have is that you are trying to match his actions to his words and they don't fit.

That is why you don't trust him. What he says sounds right. What he does feels wrong.

The thing is you've got to believe either what he says, or what he does - you can't believe both.

If there is a difference between the two, the truth will always be in a person's actions, not their words.

AnyFucker Germany Mon 25-Feb-13 18:15:52

In other words (if you prefer this analogy...), you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear

Cuddlemedolly Mon 25-Feb-13 18:45:56

That is it diagonally. What he says doesn't match hs actions. He has admitted searching for the girls on fb and flicking through their profiles to be nosey. He also searched for other girls he was showing round. Again he said this was to see what they were like prior to a viewing. He is adamant that in no way was it in a sleazy way. There is no evidence he searched for the lad, but he said he tried to find his profile via their friends but couldn't. When I searched I found him straight away.

Dh is not an obvious sleaze, he is a good guy and many see him as a catch. However he has a habit of being secretive about things. Following on from him looking at images of girls on the the net after dd, we have discussed in great detail about honesty and openness and how it's not the act but the promises and deception. He has freely let me view his phone and fb etc to try to build trust. However he didn't know about the fb activity log which is how I found out. It feels like he has no concept of boundaries or appropriateness. I do not think he would have an affair, he loves his family too much.

I think he has overstepped the mark with fb and has been caught red handed. He may or may not be telling the truth. I don't know, but it is the constant upset and stress caused by his dishonesty. All relatively low level actions but repetitive and my patience has ran out.

I asked him to pack a few things this morning and move out for a few days. He was crying and kept apologising, which is his normal approach when he has messed up. I feel miserable, it sickens me to think he believes it is acceptable to view 18 year old profiles of girls who we will have a responsibility to. Even if I accept his explanation why would a man want to nosey on girls profiles over half his age.

I don't know where to go with it now. Does this sound like a man who respects me and my feelings? Am I blowing it out of proportion?

izzyizin Mon 25-Feb-13 19:44:54

There's natural curiousity and there's prying which is the modus operandi of a nosey parker.

There's the natural curiousity of a landlord borne of concern for their property which may lead them to check out prospective tenants by other means than written references but which, taken to extreme, becomes prying.

He has overstepped the mark with FB and alleging that he couldn't find the lad when you were able to access his profile without any problem gives rise to suspicion that his motivation wasn't to make additional checks out of concern for your property, but was something considerably less wholesome, i.e perving over photos of young women.

If he cannot see this, and cannot see how disrespectful it was to make these searches without informing or including you - after all, you found the guy and could have easily found the gals if he'd said 'let's take a peek at FB to check these prospective/signed tenants are who they claim to be' - there isn't much hope he'll change his ways.

That's not to say that the pair of you should be joined at the hip unable to act independently of each other but, when it comes to matters in which you have a joint vested interest, there shouldn't be any secrecy in either of your dealings.

And if he's going to continue to be secretive about these matters, he's got to accept that, in common with any rightminded person, you may become suspicious and fear the worst about why he's being secretive.

I feel like I'm going round in circles here and it's irritating the shit out of me, so god knows what you feel like having to deal with this on a regular basis, dolly confused

Regardless of whether he was perving, he's a silly sod to risk so much for the cheap thrill of spying/prying into your tenants' private lives and he should know that being a nosey parker is not a trait that wins universal acclaim and approbation - it's a character defect which he's best advised to address before someone punches him on the nose takes exception to his behaviour.

LittleEdie Mon 25-Feb-13 20:50:27

It seems like you feel that any passing attraction he has for someone else acts as a fundamental betrayal of your relationship. Do you think he wants to do something about it, like try to sleep with one of them? I think that's where I'd draw the line between harmless thoughts and genuine sleaze. If not then I think you're blowing it out of proportion, honestly.

Hissy Brazil Tue 26-Feb-13 07:40:15

Checking out tenants AFTER they've signed is POINTLESS. They have rights, you can't change your mind based on a FB profile. The court'd have a field day.

IF he were really doing this as part of the reference process, it'd have involved the OP and included the male tenant and been open. It would have formed part of the selection process and would have been a joint decision.

What he did was check out the girls, not the guy' and when all the ink was already dried.

He has form for bikini shots and titillating himself with images of women on the internet. This is exactly what he was doing, but he's coming up with lame excuses, riddled with holes, and now crying..

I agree he needs to get away for a few days, the OP has a right to live with an honest and open man, one that doesn't snoop on women and make up stories to justify it. He needs to see that his surfing habits are annoying and intrusive, they are pointless and without any foundation. That tenant reference horse has bolted.

I suggest in future, that you use an agency to find and reference tenants.

Cuddlemedolly Tue 26-Feb-13 09:20:34

As is often the case, the action is only a small part of it. He has form with his secrecy, lies and excuses. Always relatively low level stuff be it porn, money web surfing etc. My patience has run out and bored of the same scenarios but different topics reoccurring time and again.

I haven't heard from him, he s probably wallowing somewhere. It is v difficult when he is a great dh in so many ways, but at one point to you say no more and that I deserve to live without this shit.

It is also hard him not being here to help with the dc. I suppose you get used to it and that is no reason to take a dishonest man back.

BIWI Cote D'Ivoire Tue 26-Feb-13 09:42:27

My son is a student, and he has just signed the lease on a property with 3 girls.

This post sent chills down my spine at the thought that their landlord might be snooping on them. It also made me very angry. I shall be warning them all to be very careful around their landlord.

This is truly horrible behaviour, never mind being totally disrespectful to you.

LittleEdie Tue 26-Feb-13 19:20:43

BIWI If they don't want people looking at pictures of them then they shouldn't post then on FB. Or set their privacy high, or whatever you do.

AnyFucker Germany Tue 26-Feb-13 20:08:51

If you don't want to be married to the kind of person that looks for pictures of young girls he has authority over, then don't be

I mean...who would ? < shudder >

TrampyPants Tue 26-Feb-13 20:18:57

Littleedie, yes, people should protect their privacy. But, you know what, they should be able to post them without twats like the op's h perving over them. Your post is victim blaming in its most simple form.

LittleEdie Tue 26-Feb-13 21:02:27

In what way are they victims?

WhoWhatWhereWhen Tue 26-Feb-13 21:05:51

Maybe he's hoping they fall behind with the rent

AnyFucker Germany Tue 26-Feb-13 21:14:23

ergghhh

AnyFucker Germany Tue 26-Feb-13 21:19:36

Edie victim blaming is when you place responsibility for someone else's poor behaviour on someone who hasn't invited it

These girls having a FB account did not entice some ole perv who could actually put them in a very difficult position should he so choose, to have a sneaky shufti in the hope of seeing some bikini pics of them

it's one thing to look for pics of anonymous pretty unclad ladies, and quite another to deliberately hunt out ones of young women he knows in the ludicrous guise of protecting his financial assets

AnyFucker Germany Tue 26-Feb-13 21:19:55

the former is a bit sad, the latter is decidedly creepy

TrampyPants Tue 26-Feb-13 21:28:40

I was just going to respond, but af did it perfectly.

BIWI Cote D'Ivoire Tue 26-Feb-13 22:28:51

LittleEdie - yes, absolutely they should - but it still doesn't excuse the behaviour of someone like their landlord, from whom they should be safe doing this.

Do you not realise just how creepy and objectionable this kind of thing is? Why on earth would he want to do it? And why not search the boy's FB page? If he was really interested in knowing how 'safe' they are as tenants, then he would be looking at the boy's page as well as those of the girls.

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