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Feeling desperate about husbands affair

(59 Posts)
Isabeth Thu 21-Feb-13 22:03:11

I found out on Monday that my husband has gone back to an affair that he ended 18 months ago. I am devastated, he is very confused about what he wants and has moved out to try and work it out. He is not a bad person but has seriously lost his way am I crazy to even consider having him back?

Betrayed40 Thu 04-Jul-13 13:42:41

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

doinmybest Sun 24-Feb-13 12:45:29

I agree with LaQueen I sent a few texts in the begining how could you be so cruel to me and my dcs I am devestated etc but then I stopped because as I said in a previous post I felt I was playing the role of psycho ex wife he had probably told OW I was. So I kept a dignified silence.

The only communciation we have now is what time are you picking dcs up and what time are you dropping them off. Then, out of the blue he phoned yesterday. all nice as pie dd wanted to stay at his last minute and was that ok with me? A few weeks ago he would have got her to ring or even just text to tell me it was happening. Is that ok with you?????? he said

Just keep communication to polite basics. Its very empowering to have the upper hand and I bet it will drive him mad. Its still good to get if your chest tho isnt it smile

LaQueen Sat 23-Feb-13 16:58:27

Isabeth good that you told him exactly how you felt. But, I'd put a lid of any future emails - unless totally necessary ones concerning arrangements to do with your DCs, etc.

Otherwise, you're just going to get into an endless slanging match of You said/No you said/No you said...and it's pointless.

I think you have definitely lost him - and I would go so far as to say, that you probably never had him in the first place? Because twats like him never have any integrity, or honour, anyway.

The way I look at it...you haven't lost anything worth having. Instead you have found a much better life smile

TDada Sat 23-Feb-13 07:39:57

Dear Isabeth - baby steps is progress. Can I recommend a visit to classy hairdressers as a first step. Symbolic of a new you. Then some intense gym workouts. Perhaps sign up for 10k run. Then let's maximise affection from friends and family....you are a decent nice person propping up a weak indecisive man.

I can guarantee that you will feel stronger in the near future. Sadly you DH will find this attractive and try to cling on.

Lovingfreedom Sat 23-Feb-13 00:25:59

Yes. Try not to tell him everything. Moving on means he is no longer the person you go to to say how you are feeling, thinking, doing etc.

AnyFucker Fri 22-Feb-13 21:52:33

That is progress

as long as you don't have your little tantrum, then things go back to the way they were before

Isabeth Fri 22-Feb-13 21:36:06

You are absolutely right he is not a prize worth having!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 22-Feb-13 21:31:35

Not pathetic at all Isabeth it's uncharted territory so you're bound to be nervous. This is a good place to sound off and express what you're used to keeping under wraps for fear of rocking the boat.

Try and see it not so much as losing him (suggests he's a prize worth having) as you stepping up and standing up for yourself. This is your life, not just his with you and DCs mere puny satellites.

Isabeth Fri 22-Feb-13 21:22:56

I have been away for the day living my life with out him, taking the girls to school and all their activities and we have just been to the pub early doors with mine and their friends. It has been motivating to get out there and carry on life without him. after reading messages earlier i e mailed him a long message about how I felt and basically what A selfish twat he has been. you are probably wondering why i had not said his to him before but i hadn't. realised that he had never been sorry and that I had to stop being nice and tell him the truth. We are now at loggerheads but it feels good as I have stopped pretending for fear of loosing him. Maybe I will loose him now but I realise that if he can't be truly sorry and come back on my terms we have no future. This maybe still sounds pathetic but it is progress!

LaQueen Fri 22-Feb-13 18:36:03

To add OP I'd been with DH (then DP) for 10 years, when he turned round and announced that, You know, he wasn't ^sure he could see a future with me, anymore, he still loved me, but he had all these doubts... ^

It nearly killed me to hear that - and it damned near broke me to move out. But, I did it, because I knew that the only thing I could do was leave, and move on, and attempt to start a new life without him.

We didn't speak for weeks...I started the process to buy a new house...I started going to new bars/pubs...had my hair cropped...even had a very brief fling-ette with my DB's friend.

Very quickly DP realised the error of his way...but, I made him jump through 1001 hoops to win me back...and it was months before I let him know where my new house was. But, it all ended happily ever after, and we were married the following year smile

But, I know for a fact, that if I'd stayed, hanging around him, keeping in contact, crying down the phone, keeping my life in limbo...I'd have been a vair undesirable prospect for him. I think we still would have got back together...but the dynamic in our relationship would have been horribly wrong.

We've been very happily married for nearly 11 years now, and our relationship is far more equal - because those months apart made me realise that I could survive and even (possibly) start to thrive without DH, and he damned well knew that, too.

badinage Fri 22-Feb-13 18:22:46

I think if you've been turning somersaults the past 18 months to make him stay with you (always a mistake) then in some ways, letting him go now will be a relief. It should also tell you that this was never about you or your behaviour. Nothing you could have ever done would have stopped this happening.

Get your dignity and self-respect back and just tell him it's over. You tried your best but it was impossible because it was so one-sided.

Whatever you do don't give him the luxury of choice. He'll never respect you and he is no prize anyway.

Let him go and be the person you want to be, not some false version of superwife.

LaQueen Fri 22-Feb-13 18:22:31

I would make the decision (in your mind) that he has gone - and now start to construct a new life, accordingly.

The bottom line is that there is simply nothing you can do, to make him do anything. The decision lies with him, and you have no control over that.

So - the very best thing for you, your life, your self esteem, and your DDs is to decide 'This is what I'm doing with my life, from today onwards' and this decision is regardless of what your DH is fannying about at.

So, you get a new hair cut, you join a gym, you join a class, you buy a dog, you paint the bedroom, you start a vegetable patch whatever ...but, you start living your life, and you don't sit around, meekly waiting for him to call the shots, waiting and hoping and wondering, week after week, as your life slips through your fingers.

AnyFucker Fri 22-Feb-13 18:14:57
Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Feb-13 15:28:37

When a nice, lovely man does this it is because he is too nice and is trying to express the side of him that nobody cares about: his aliveness and his passion.

hmm

Abitwobblynow Fri 22-Feb-13 15:14:10

Hi Isabeth the hardest thing about this is that you have to accept that he is voting with his feet, whilst not wanting to lose his family either. You are paying.

Read 'split self affair' by Emily Brown. When a nice, lovely man does this it is because he is too nice and is trying to express the side of him that nobody cares about: his aliveness and his passion. He loves this woman (very hard to read, sorry) but he also values you and his children.

The answer does not lie in the OW or you, but in HIM. My best advice is to act as though he is never coming back. It will empower and strengthen you as a person in ways you will only understand in years to come. (you see, the other side of his 'he was perfect' coin is your excessive neediness and dependence on him. OW is the relief from that do you see.

The thing that we fear more than anything else is abandonment. And yet, the thing we fear the most? Has already happened! And you are STILL ALIVE aren't you?

Take one day at a time, see a solicitor NOW (legal aid for divorce ends in April) and book a mediation appointment. I know you are devastated, but take decisive steps. When he is in a mediation room with you looking at the ending of your marriage, he will feel a lot of pain and it will dissolve the fantasy for him..

But either way, a woman this embedded in your marriage means you do not have a marriage. So let go of that one and let go of him.

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Feb-13 14:54:19

Good for you. I think that's right. Honestly...*doinmybest*...you will come through this. I can only speak for myself, but 18 months on and life is much much better than it ever was with my ex...and I considered myself happily married. It's like bereavement though...you are mourning for the person you thought he was and the relationship you thought you had. Spend time with your friends, with your children. Get rid of all the things in the house that he likes but you don't. Buy things he wouldn't. Do things you wouldn't get to do if he was around. Within 6 weeks of my ex moving out I'd painted the bedroom pink and invested in floral bedsheets and about 15 scatter cushions. It's surprising how much pleasure you can get from this kind of thing. smile

doinmybest Fri 22-Feb-13 14:37:30

lovingfreedom I dont keep any communication open. We talk about when he's seeing the DC's only and I know that is probably driving him mad. I was texting him 3/4 times a day at first how sad I was how selfish he was etc then someone reminded me I was probably playing right into the role of psycho wife he'd fed OW about me so I am now quietly getting on with my life and letting him wonder.........

doinmybest Fri 22-Feb-13 14:34:06

Isabeth I am doing well and no one is more surprised than me. In the first days I was on here looking for someone, anyone to tell me it would be ok, he will come back and it will all be back to normal. I thought there are so many angry women they obviously dont know my H like I do.....
Here I am 4 months later saying it to you sad The one thing that I keep reminding myself is we were happy once and I loved him. Now he's a liar and a cheat, shes welcome to him because I'm worth more than that

fiventhree Fri 22-Feb-13 14:00:14

Loss is indeed a motivator. Also, you mention his lying and deceit. Can you really live with that?

Try as hard as you can to project forward having him back, two years hence. Imagine your day to day life and how you will feel. What he will be like. If you can force yourself to do this, write it down even, then you may feel differently.

Also that anger that you don't yet feel, it is because you don't feel safe. But one day you will, with him or not, and it will come.

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Feb-13 13:58:35

The trick is to keep breathing...smile. I got through the early days by taking deep breaths, having 3 baths a day, listening to relaxing music...and getting some good legal advice. People say 'keep talking, keep communication open' with your partner. I say 'stop talking' to him for a while. Don't tell him everything your thinking and feeling - his responses to that will only confuse you. Slow down. Take all the time you want. If he starts pushing you to talk to him say you're not ready. Talk to a friend or relative when you feel able to. Counselling on your own might be useful - it was for me. Again, at your own pace. I didn't tell my ex anything that I was discussing in counselling. It's important that you get to focus on you at this time. But you're right...it is empowering once you remember that you do have control over your own life.

fiventhree Fri 22-Feb-13 13:55:06

Isabeth, Doingmybest has good point- if he came back, it is t the same person. I don't know how you felt for the last 18months but I did take mine back 15 months ago after he strayed a lot, and now the dust has settled I'm noticing a lot about him which I was blind to before and which I don't like.

If he had really got what he did to you he wouldn't have done it twice. Also, I think it is the Frank Pittman book on infidelity which explains that in this situation, even if you happened to be desperate for him to come back, it is critical to tell everyone and also cut contact and refuse him entry, since that will catapult him into " his own private hell".

Stands to reason anyway- he is a selfish person deep down, and he is relying on your always being around should he choose to return. He is gambling on it actually. You have nothing to lose by taking this approach, and the fact that he will certainly hate the new situation he finds himself in, should make you realise how selfish he is.

tessa6 Fri 22-Feb-13 13:48:33

Please try and consider, however difficult, that the most likely truth is that the affair never properly ended. He has been wasting your time while he 'makes up his mind' and struggles to 'do the right thing'. Loss is the motivator for people. He needs to lose you.

Isabeth Fri 22-Feb-13 13:35:27

I am over whelmed by it all on the one hand I am finding everyone's posts terrifying and difficult to read as you are making me face up to the truth but on the other hand quite empowering as I know what I have got to do. It is good to hear that you are doing so well in such as short time 'doinmybest'

SilverClementine Fri 22-Feb-13 13:14:23

Sorry you're struggling this morning OP, it's a desperately sad situation.

You keep saying that it is not really who he is, but he has lied and cheated on you not once but twice. He has created a situation where the mother of his children feels vulnerable, not once, but twice.

I think you are being too kind on him. If he was such a great father, he would be doing all he could to make sure that his children had a stable home environment, and it doesn't sound at all like that is what he is doing.

Part of the grieving process is to grieve for what we have lost. You are in the process of losing the man you thought you married which is an incredibly painful thing.

I think you need to get angry and start to focus on yourself and what you and your DC need, not what he needs.

So glad you've reached out to MN, there is a wealth of support here for you!

doinmybest Fri 22-Feb-13 12:23:32

OP did I write this post!! In Nov my H told me he was seeing the woman he had the affair with 12 months earlier. If Im honest, and with hindsight, I think Id known for a few months. I was devestated my 2 DCs saw my tears and saw how much I was upset but they have also seen me get stronger. I have missed him loved him wanted him back hated him hated her, Im now at the what a kn*bhead he is and shes welcome to him. I deserve better who does he think I am? just sitting round waiting for his 'infatuatiuon' to wane? when he starts putting her bins out and she starts washing his socks he will realise that me and my DCs were the best thing about him. I want him to wake up and come knocking on my door asking to come back just so I can say No Im sorry Ive moved on.
You're not crazy for wanting him back but have a good think about who is coming back. Its not the husband you had, this is a different person and it wont/cant be the same. I hope things work out for you and YOU get what YOU want x

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