Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Life is falling apart, what do I do????(45 Posts)
I don't really know where to start,
My dd is 3 months old exactly and a,though we've had a rough time of it at first with severe reflux, and now on medication and prescription milk that's working, sleeping 11 hours straight at night.
I'm supposed to be getting married on 6th April, and it feel as if my relationship is falling apart. Dd is now teething which means she's obviously a bit wingey, which I'm not phased by. I settle her fine,and by 6pm she's fed and ready to go down for the night.
I'm a bit concerned about my fiancée though. He seems very aggressive and tense, and ready to fly off the handle. If dd cries, he won't cuddle her, he just swaddled her and puts her down. If she continues crying he gives her calpol, which angers me because a crying baby doesn't need calpol, and ive tipped it all down the sink now.
Also, when dd continues crying, he gets cross and doesn't shout, but talks to her in a loud voice that really doesn't settle her, it makes her worse. He tells her to shut up, which annoys me, and then just plonks her down (in a safe place) because he cant cope with the crying, and then i get an earfull. He's very happy to chat away to dd when she's in a babbling and smiling mood, but that seems to end there, and when she's crying he gets cross, and then we end up rowing.
We row every night now, it's like a ticking time bomb when he gets in from work. To make matters worse, I have severe OCD, which he doesn't understand that I have to do these certain rituals or I just can't relax. I've had OCD for 9 years now, and I'd love to open up and talk about the reasons why, but he's only interested in talking about himself....all my needs are ignored, mocked, or I get sarcastic replies to anything I say. I'm constantly made to feel stupid, called a dick, and treated like a slave.....it always feels as if good old me will do it.
I the night if dd cries, he rolls over and says for fucks sake, and then goes back to sleep, assuming ill always get up.
Infindingnit really hard to cope- my OCD has never been so bad- the only happy thing about my life is little dd who's developing more ach day. What would you do? I really can't cope. Xx
1. Put the wedding on hold, say, a year.
2. Get some cognitive behaviour therapy for the OCD (refer yourself to your local mental health team).
3. Don't expect him to look after the baby as it's not fair on her. Protect her from him.
4. Keep posting and getting support from the many brilliant people on here who know exactly what you're going through.
Mummy, have you spoken to your GP or HV about your worries? Childbirth can lead to a pre-existing OCD escalating in intensity. Sure it's been known to bring them on.
Please don't suffer alone with your child. Talk to someone in RL.
Your DD needs self esteem and confidence not pretty clothes. She will not get this from a mother and father locked in an abusive relationship.
I think CBT is usually recommended for OCD. But yours sounds like more than that. Low self esteem and feelings of being a horrible worthless person who deserves punishment sound like something coming from your childhood - maybe proper therapy for that? You could look into cognitive analytic therapy. No personal experience sorry but have heard it's worth a try. OCD is a tough nut to really crack AFAIK so trying to do it while in a stressful/triggering life situation like an abusive relationship will be tough. I've heard people recommend the Freedom programme also. Maybe that or normal counselling would be a quicker way to get help while you're still in the relationship so that you can at least find coping strategies for right now? Do you have family or anyone who can babysit?
I know. Part of my OCD is based on not only the cleanliness and need to perfectionism, but also the fact that I always feel a horrible worthless person that deserves to be punished. I am looking to seek counselling, as its been 9 years now and it's so bad right now, It's affecting every aspect of my ire, apart from my care of my gorgeous daughter- I'd never let it affect that, she's too damned precious- my little gem, bless her- any ideas on the best type of help for OCD? I thought hypnosis, or just normal counselling? I trying my best, and I cook, clean, wash, iron, put out his work clothes, but food, and buy all of our daughters clothes, nappies, wipes etc too on no income, which isn't easy, and somehow I achieve it, but it's a constant worry- no matter what she will never go without, and always wear pretty clothes, even if I have to go without clothes and/or food. I not a horrible person, so I wonder why I'm treated like one.
You sooo don't deserve this mummy2lola. You are very ably looking after a wonderful little baby despite a distinct lack of support from your partner. You sound lovely.
He should be treating you as he no doubt expects you to treat him.
A life of misery?
Please cancel the wedding and get counselling for yourself instead.
I used to it- we've been together 8 years & I've got low self esteem anyway, but I think I must be a horrible person & probably deserve it.
I agree with others who've said don't marry him and also the fact that he has a penis does NOT mean it's automatically difficult for him to have patience with a newborn baby.
Yes, sometimes new father's with no experience of babies are often shocked, scared and feel out of their depth but are not aggressive nor do they starve their little one of proper love and affection. Not to mention they don't treat the mother of their child with the total disrespect that he's giving you.
He is a selfish bully. He is clearly showing you exactly what a twat he is by refusing to listen to you, by ignoring your ocd and his general treatment of you. You and you dd deserve much better.
I understand you love him and you're living for the good times Mummy but those times will get less and less.
You need to speak to him but don't leave your wedding booked and then issue him with any ultimatums like 'you need to stop/do xyz or else I won't marry you' April is a mere few weeks away and I'm sure even the most abusive of bastards are capable of reigning in their behaviour for such a short period of time.
Personally after I'd spoken to him, laid it all out, I wouldn't consider allowing him to marry me for a minimum of 1 year, if of course, he had changed.
Do not marry him. There is no reason whatsoever to do so at the moment. You are describing how you are trying to manage him and his moods, you are arguing everyday and he has no patience for his vulnerable dd. I think the signs ARE ALL BAD, in fact not signs but facts. Please see that he has no interest at all in helping you with your problems instead he is making you responsible for hs emotional life. I see no reasons at the moment to marry him. Do not do it. Once you cancel the wedding expect either shock and a quick reversion to trying to charm you back or anger at his lack of control. Do not expect him to want to understand why you don't want to marry. I am Catholic and having a child with someone is no reason at all to marry him. It still must be a free choice in fact any lack of free will to choose to marry immediately invalidates the marriage. If you feel pressure to marry or feel you should to provide a father for dd please understand these are terrible reasons to marry. Cancel the wedding. Take your time, do not marry when your future husband is already abusive to you and dd.
He's shown his true colours and i doubt it will get better OP.
I had a partner like yours that growled and wouldn't ever get up with our son.
We are apart and have been since my DS was a baby.
If he's like this now what will he be like when you get married do you think??
I totally understand that you love him, and that we haven't seen any of the good times you've had together, or the good man that he can be. I know that many posters have advised you to break up with him, and I can understand their point, although appreciate it is bound to not be that simple for you. I don't want to say you should definitely not marry this man, but I think the two of you absolutely must discuss and resolve these issues you have told us about before you get married. Whatever you do, don't get married and think that you'll be able to sort this out after. He is a man - if you address these issues after the wedding he will think you have got the ring on his finger and now you're nagging and trying to 'change' him. Not a fair assumption, but one many men might make. Now is the best and only time to air these problems, as he has the kick up the backside that you might not want to marry him if he doesn't sort this out. If he loves you, he'll agree to listen and make compromises where they are needed. If he won't give you the time of day... serious alarm bells should ring and you may have to accept that things will not get any better.
I'd write him a bloody letter!
OP, it is just awful and you shouldn't have to live like that. No wonder your OCD is particularly bad now. You have no control over your family life. You are living on tenterhooks, waiting for him to erupt.
Of course he's nice when he's not tired and the baby's giggling. Even a bloody serial killer would be nice with a baby then!
You have to judge someone by how he is when things are tough and when things aren't going his way.
He medicates your daughter to shut her up! You say he is very tense and angry. He tells her to shut up and then yells at you.
You say he's a ticking time bomb when he comes in. I couldn't live like that. Your daughter shouldn't live like that. You shouldn't either, but you have the choice and your daughter doesn't.
Please don't marry him. Look into how it would be if you lived apart, just you and your baby. Think how peaceful it would be. Think how relaxed you would be. Think how your OCD would dwindle, because your nerves aren't strung out dealing with this man.
"We row every night now, it's like a ticking time bomb when he gets in from work".
Please don't marry him.
Please don't let yourself be treated so badly.
We often let put up with crap, but think how you would feel if in 25 years time your daughter's partner treated her in this way.
Please cancel the wedding and move out.
You had a baby and his nasty side came off.
You marry him, guess what will happen?
Lots of women in abusive relationships report that it got worse, or started after babies and after getting married.
Cancel now, yes.
You don't have to leave now, but it doesn't look good. He may be capable eventually of making you happy and be a good father, after talking, possibly counselling, etc, but why put yourself in a more vulnerable position?
Thank goodness this thread has been moved to relationships and you are now getting some fantastic advice. This is not a man to be marrying, this is a man to be leaving. As previous posters have said, abusive men can be wonderful at times. If they behaved as they really are, we'd never get sucked in to begin with.
Good luck op.
OP - I could have written your post 8 years ago. My maternal instincts didn't kick in until DS was a good 6 months, I just don't like small babies, but I was better at it than he was. And it won't get better, it will just get worse. My H is also in the military and that is no excuse either - plenty of soldiers, sailors and airman are fantastic husbands and fathers.
I am in the process of leaving him now after 10 years and the year before his 22 years are up. Not even that pension is worth living like that any longer!
I wish I had had DS before I married him, as I would never have done so otherwise. It's the start of a slippery slope - especially if you move into quarters after you marry him and away from your friend and family. Don't ignore the alarm bells ringing.
Well don't marry him for a start he sounds like a complete pig!
sophierose I bet it was hard work adjusting to life with TWO babies in the house wasn't it? Yours sounds like an arsehole too quite frankly.
Forget letter writing or joint counselling; you seriously need to consider your own future here in this relationship because there is really no mileage in this now.
You are basically in an abusive relationship, small wonder your OCD is being made worse. He is the root cause. Also abusive men like your man is often only show their true colours when their child is born; he does not like being placed second to her. The signs of abuse were likely there before you became pg by him but were perhaps ignored or downplayed by you.
This is no environment for your DD to grow up in either; she will be trained over time to become an abuse victim as well. You state that you row every night; do not kid yourself that your child is too young to pick up on all this because she can and the worst thing is she is too young to realise what the hell is going on.
Abusive men are not nasty all the time; they can do nice sometimes but its just an act designed to keep you hooked or to keep alive in you the forlorn hope that he will stay nice. Such men do not change.
Do not marry him on April 6th under any circumstances; this is the real him now you are seeing.
What do you get out of this relationship now?. Please do not tell me that he can be a good dad because he is patently not either a decent father nor a decent man to you.
Sorry meant to say his attitude to you will be the same as it is to other women not the way he treats you necessarily.
There are good times in pretty much all abusive relationships OP, especially early on. People wouldn't stay in them so long otherwise. It's confusing I know. But abusers are manipulative, not stupid. They can keep up a good front for quite a while, and bring it back out whenever they feel you're getting sick of the abuse. It keeps you on the hook. The abusive him that's revealed itself now is the real him though. Once he's got you wondering what sets him off all the time he's got you exactly where he wants you - even if it is subconsciously. He's got you prioritising him and his needs and pandering to his every whim for fear of setting him off. That's how it works. It's low maintenance slavery for him because, being a caring and understanding person, you become self-policing to avoid triggering him.
You've mentioned the way they talk in the army. I bet when you say crude you really mean misogynist. The army can be an attractive place for misogynists. Now that you've had his baby and are engaged to him, you're no longer "different" for him compared to other women. You'll now be treated the same way he treats women in general.
He really doesn't sound nice and as a sufferer of anxiety and lower level OCD as he is stressing you then your OCD is probably far worse because your with him.
You say he will not listen to you, that is terrible, as is shouting at a baby.
I would say, do not marry him and get help for your OCD.
I would question why you are with him at all.
All abusive men have moments of being absolutely lovely. The fact is, you're planning on spending your entire life with someone who has no interest in your problems, someone who mocks and belittles you, and is nasty to your daughter. Are you ok with that?
But that is no way to live - looking out for crumbs of happiness.
Please do not marry this man. I married a man who behaved the same ... thinking that because he was nice some of the time I could make him happy and he would change. He did not. It got worse once the ring was on my finger and the emotional abuse over the years got worse and the types of abuse increased.
You, and your DD, deserve for you to be respected and listened to. She deserves to be comforted when she's upset. You deserve you have your mental wellbeing prioritised.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.