Life is falling apart, what do I do????

[mummy2lola]

I don't really know where to start,
My dd is 3 months old exactly and a,though we've had a rough time of it at first with severe reflux, and now on medication and prescription milk that's working, sleeping 11 hours straight at night.

I'm supposed to be getting married on 6th April, and it feel as if my relationship is falling apart. Dd is now teething which means she's obviously a bit wingey, which I'm not phased by. I settle her fine,and by 6pm she's fed and ready to go down for the night.

I'm a bit concerned about my fiancée though. He seems very aggressive and tense, and ready to fly off the handle. If dd cries, he won't cuddle her, he just swaddled her and puts her down. If she continues crying he gives her calpol, which angers me because a crying baby doesn't need calpol, and ive tipped it all down the sink now.
Also, when dd continues crying, he gets cross and doesn't shout, but talks to her in a loud voice that really doesn't settle her, it makes her worse. He tells her to shut up, which annoys me, and then just plonks her down (in a safe place) because he cant cope with the crying, and then i get an earfull. He's very happy to chat away to dd when she's in a babbling and smiling mood, but that seems to end there, and when she's crying he gets cross, and then we end up rowing.
We row every night now, it's like a ticking time bomb when he gets in from work. To make matters worse, I have severe OCD, which he doesn't understand that I have to do these certain rituals or I just can't relax. I've had OCD for 9 years now, and I'd love to open up and talk about the reasons why, but he's only interested in talking about himself....all my needs are ignored, mocked, or I get sarcastic replies to anything I say. I'm constantly made to feel stupid, called a dick, and treated like a slave.....it always feels as if good old me will do it.

I the night if dd cries, he rolls over and says for fucks sake, and then goes back to sleep, assuming ill always get up.
Infindingnit really hard to cope- my OCD has never been so bad- the only happy thing about my life is little dd who's developing more ach day. What would you do? I really can't cope. Xx

[MomaP]

Hi.
If I was you, I'd sit down and write him a long letter. I have found in the past that if things aren't particularly going well with my DH and we seem to just communicate by arguing, writing a letter never seems to fail.

I would definitely give him an ultimatum in the letter. I would make it clear that he either has to shape up and be the father and DH(to be) you both deserve, or he needs to leave. I would write down how he makes you feel, and how if this doesn't stop now, you won't want your DC around him. I certainly wouldn't if he called me names and replied sarcastically to everything I said. It's rude and disrespectful.

I would also put in the letter that if he needs to talk to you about anything that's bothering or upsetting him, to talk to you about it. Believe it or not, this type of stress can be very normal on new parents. It's when you realise that no matter how devoted and in love with your beautiful DC you are, it isn't all roses around the door.

Keep us updated. I hope it gets better soon.

[MrsMushroom]

I think you should post again in Relationships....he's not being nice at all.

[mummy2lola]

Thanks for that advice. I'll do that :-) appreciate it. The brew emoticon at the end of your message should be a glass of wine though!!! Bless you- thanks so much... Pen and paper here I come. Wish me luck x

[Iggly]

I'm not sure a letter will cut it TBH.

Get this moved to relationships.

[babySophieRose]

Well, we all know that our DP, DH... are always more unpatient when it comes to sleep, rest and crying baby. You just have to be strong, try not to bother at the moment and not to ask him to deal with baby when she is distressed. It gets easier, the first three months are the hardest. Leave him to enjoy and have a good time with baby, it is important for your future as a family. Do ask him nicely when you need his help, he will get use to it, just needs time. My DP wasn't angry when baby cried, but not very happy to deal with her, usually he just gave me the baby back, because she was crying. But she is 16 months old now, he is very attached to her and does not bother when she wakes him or scream. I think that it took him around six months to get use to the 'new life' with a baby at home.

[Phineyj]

Hmm, my DH is much more patient with me when it comes to this sort of stuff. Your DH does sound pretty crap with the baby. I take it he hasn't any previous experience with babies or young children? Can you maybe find a parenting course or get the health visitor to have a word? Thing is, if you establish that you do absolutely everything with the baby/he is not competent with the baby it will be hard to get him to help later on. The Haynes baby manual is good for dads and also the Commando Dad website. Hope things improve for you...

[Phineyj]

Much more patient than me I meant to put. Although pretty patient with me sometimes it has to be said!

[mummy2benji]

Have you done any pre-marriage counselling? I really recommend it. If you're getting married in a church, the church may do some sessions. You don't need to be a Christian - the one we did was just sensible tips and advice and looking at any issues you might need to address. I do agree with the above that some dads find it harder to cope with crying babies and waking up at night - some dads find that their paternal instincts don't even really kick in until baby is 6 months old and a bit more 'interesting'. But I think how he treats you, and the respect or lack of that he shows you, is much more of a concern - and you really must address these issues before getting married. Or even postpone the wedding while you work this out. If he loves you and wants you to be his wife and really wants to make you happy, he will cooperate with you on this. I have to say, problems that exist in a relationship before marriage never go away or get better, they only escalate unless dealt with, and that means both parties happy to compromise and work issues out together. I know there is so much pressure before a wedding and you think to yourself you couldn't possibly cancel it, what would everyone think? The cost etc etc. But at the end of the day, a short period of mild chaos while plans have to be altered is far better than rushing into something you have doubts or concerns about. And do not tell yourself that it would be better for dd if you got married - being a single parent, while scary for you, would be far better for her than a divorce when she is 4, is used to having daddy at home and is heartbroken and doesn't understand. Sorry to probably sound dramatic and I certainly don't want to make you feel worse than you already are feeling, but you do have some important and life changing decisions to make. If you can ask friends and family for support and advice - people you trust - then do ask for it, it's important that you get some support and don't feel completely alone. Sending you a hug

[mummy2lola]

Thank you for your kind words- they put things in perspective. I don't think his paternal I stints have kicked in & he's still trying to live life like before, but you just can't. There were no pre baby relationship concerns, I just think that the huge change has been harder for him than myself... I'm not phased by dd crying & deal with her calmly- I'm not even phased by the huge life change because I'm the sort of person that would put everybody first before I think about myself- I thrive on caring for others. I've tried encouraging him and over praising him when he deals with dd, hoping this might boost his self esteem, and including him in tasks when he's here, so he can see how I deal with things. He's a military man who can't leave his work at work, and I think that's where the disrespect comes from- you should hear how they talk to one another at work, it's pretty crude, & I don't think I should be treated like the squaddies he's in charge of. Things will hopefully get better- it's hard not to adore dd...she's so cute and cheeky!!! Thanks for your wonderful advice- sometimes it's easier to open up and bare all to faceless people xxx

[RebeccaMumsnet]

Hi mummy2lola,

Good luck with your situation - we have moved this thread over to relationships now as it is a better fit for this topic of conversation and others may have further advice and support for you over there.

[mummy2lola]

Aww thanks- didn't know how to move it. I think we need to start talking to break the communication wall x

[Sioda]

God please don't listen to the 'better communication/poor little men are no good with babies so just be nicer to him' nonsense. People often don't read posts properly on here OP. They read your thread and compare it to their 'not getting along so well with DP' experiences. Or they've put up with abusive behaviour for so long they can't see the wood from the trees anymore and have all kinds of mad ideas of what's normal and ok in a relationship. You have anger in your OP. Please please don't lose that. You are right to be angry. It's your real self trying to quietly tell you that this isn't right and you deserve better. Listen to it above anyone here including me.

Your 'D'P is emotionally abusive and he will also abuse your daughter. He is aggressive, he gives out to you when his baby cries, he has a sense of entitlement that he can have the good bits of parenting while you do the hard parts, he only wants to talk about himself, he insults you, ridicules your mental health problem, mocks you, treats you like a slave and ignores your needs. He's not just having trouble adjusting to having a baby OP, he's an entitled abusive git. They very often first show their true colours just after a baby arrives. Bad timing I know. And it's not his low self esteem or his job, it's his sense of entitlement and his beliefs about women that are the problem. Do you want your daughter to grow up to be treated like he treats you right now?

It's possible to be too caring and too understanding OP. Please stop putting him first. He doesn't put you first. You have a new baby, an abusive partner and OCD. You need to take care of yourself because he certainly isn't going to. You could try giving him an ultimatum to get help or leave but it almost certainly won't work. But then you can start working on your escape plan. I'd bet money your OCD will improve enormously once you do get out.

[PeppermintPasty]

I agree with Sioda.

Please do not marry this man, he is an abusive arse.

[CailinDana]

I am disgusted at some of the responses. It is absolute bollocks that men are less patient and that you should take over in order to suit him. Being male does not excuse a person from being a proper parent and being female does not mean you deserve to be treated like shit. Being a new parent is stressful yes but it is up to your dp to learn how to deal with his dd without medicine or shouting. The way he treats you is appalling. Do not marry this man.

[saintlyjimjams]

Have you just stumbled in from 1955 babysophierose?

I think you need to talk to him OP - his behaviour wouldn't be acceptable to me.

[Sioda]

Agreed Cailin. My DP is the more patient and calm one. He has endless tolerance for our baby's shrieking and non-sleeping abilities. It's not paternal instinct any more than I have much maternal instinct. He's just a kind, decent person who doesn't get angry at a helpless baby for doing what babies do. He accepts like a grown up that babies do put you out and he considers it as much his job to look after her as it is mine. That's normal behaviour OP.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I think Sioda has put it perfectly.
You certainly, as a starting point, need to cancel the wedding.
April is only a few weeks away and you do NOT want to get to the stage where you feel you have to go through with it or you will disappoint others.
Cancel the wedding now.

[CailinDana]

I am also really surprised that a few posters have totally ignored the fact that the OP said "all my needs are ignored or mocked." That is absolutely not how a relationship should be only weeks before the wedding, or ever for that matter.

What are your thoughts OP?

[mummy2lola]

I see what you're saying. I live for the good times, because when they are good they're fantastic....he can be a real gem with baby, and also be really sweet and loving like before- I don't know what sets it all off.

[TeaMakesItAllPossible]

But that is no way to live - looking out for crumbs of happiness.

Please do not marry this man. I married a man who behaved the same ... thinking that because he was nice some of the time I could make him happy and he would change. He did not. It got worse once the ring was on my finger and the emotional abuse over the years got worse and the types of abuse increased.

You, and your DD, deserve for you to be respected and listened to. She deserves to be comforted when she's upset. You deserve you have your mental wellbeing prioritised.

[CailinDana]

All abusive men have moments of being absolutely lovely. The fact is, you're planning on spending your entire life with someone who has no interest in your problems, someone who mocks and belittles you, and is nasty to your daughter. Are you ok with that?

[Sioda]

There are good times in pretty much all abusive relationships OP, especially early on. People wouldn't stay in them so long otherwise. It's confusing I know. But abusers are manipulative, not stupid. They can keep up a good front for quite a while, and bring it back out whenever they feel you're getting sick of the abuse. It keeps you on the hook. The abusive him that's revealed itself now is the real him though. Once he's got you wondering what sets him off all the time he's got you exactly where he wants you - even if it is subconsciously. He's got you prioritising him and his needs and pandering to his every whim for fear of setting him off. That's how it works. It's low maintenance slavery for him because, being a caring and understanding person, you become self-policing to avoid triggering him.

You've mentioned the way they talk in the army. I bet when you say crude you really mean misogynist. The army can be an attractive place for misogynists. Now that you've had his baby and are engaged to him, you're no longer "different" for him compared to other women. You'll now be treated the same way he treats women in general.

[Sioda]

Sorry meant to say his attitude to you will be the same as it is to other women not the way he treats you necessarily.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Forget letter writing or joint counselling; you seriously need to consider your own future here in this relationship because there is really no mileage in this now.

You are basically in an abusive relationship, small wonder your OCD is being made worse. He is the root cause. Also abusive men like your man is often only show their true colours when their child is born; he does not like being placed second to her. The signs of abuse were likely there before you became pg by him but were perhaps ignored or downplayed by you.

This is no environment for your DD to grow up in either; she will be trained over time to become an abuse victim as well. You state that you row every night; do not kid yourself that your child is too young to pick up on all this because she can and the worst thing is she is too young to realise what the hell is going on.

Abusive men are not nasty all the time; they can do nice sometimes but its just an act designed to keep you hooked or to keep alive in you the forlorn hope that he will stay nice. Such men do not change.

Do not marry him on April 6th under any circumstances; this is the real him now you are seeing.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Please do not tell me that he can be a good dad because he is patently not either a decent father nor a decent man to you.