Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He has gone - I am heart broken

(92 Posts)
Orchidlady Thu 21-Feb-13 13:05:17

That's it really after 20 years together he has just packed his stuff and left. I am sitting here in the house we have shared for the last 12 years. I can't stop crying, only last week he said he wanted things to work, trouble is he just has not tried enough, if only he could show me he really cared I would have begged him to stay, instead I said nothing. What the hell am I going to tell DS when pick him up in a couple of hours from school, he will be devastated. I should be working now but I can't. All I want to do is cry. Please some words of wisdom I am a complete wreck right now. Am worried about money, being alone not coping, God this is horrid. Part of me actually feels sorry for him, did not think I would feel that.

AnyFucker Mon 25-Feb-13 18:31:32

OL, what you are aiming for is indifference not hate

hate is just another strong emotion like love, the two often go hand in hand in dysfunctional relationships

I have seen your back threads too, and would wager he has found a soft landing (OW) for now

let him go, fgs

just let him go and find yourself again

Orchidlady Tue 26-Feb-13 10:53:11

AnyF most def not OW, of all our troubles OW have not been an issue. I so wish I could be indifferent, sure it will come in time. We have spoken about his contact with DS, he is seeing him tomorrow and we are going to try to arrange a pattern. I feel ill right now, can't help feeling devastated. Sleep is a big problem. Sorry feeling very sorry for myself today. I really need to find a way to meet people and not on my own all the time, I miss having someone to talk with especially in the evening

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 11:35:37

It's not going to happen straight over, love. Or even very soon. Just keep looking after yourself, start faking it until you are making it.

Orchidlady Tue 26-Feb-13 11:41:25

Thanks any I think there is something wrong with me, Just seem to focus on all the good times, despite all we were best mates, and it makes me really angry because he does not appear to give a toss. But I have managed to maintain dignity even though inside I am in turmoil. I feel weak and pathetic sad

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 11:46:07

Awww, it's still so early days. How could you not feel so bad ? You would have to be a spectacularly cold and unemotional person to not do so.

I can't remember if you have ever accessed any "talking therapy" help for yourself. You really, really need someone to get all this out to.

skaboy Tue 26-Feb-13 12:38:22

I'm in a similar situation and my friend has given me some great natural herbal pills, which have helped me sleep, brought up my moods in the day and are generally making me productive without falling to pieces (I am the main parent and I work). They are called htp5 and you can get them from holland and barrett. I can't recommend them enough for getting you through the storm you're in at the moment. The sleep was the main problem and its got much easier already

Orchidlady Tue 26-Feb-13 12:55:50

Ska oh thanks for that I think I might give that a try. .Sorry to hear about your troubles too. Sleep is such a problem you know when you have to get early and drive to school and then work all day eventually something has to give. Spent a lot of time reading in the middle of the night atm. I feel very very tired. I am too scared to take sleeping pills am not a fan of any drugs really, well other than nicotine right now

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 13:13:53

OL, in your position, I would be visiting the GP, getting myself signed off work for a couple of weeks and asking to be referred for some counselling to help me through this.

Like you said, something has to give and I am a bit concerned about you. You have your son to be around for..the last thing you need is to be really ill, love.

Charbon Tue 26-Feb-13 13:28:18

I think secret relationships have definitely been an issue OL, based on one of your most recent threads about his behaviour - and this isn't the first time he's left is it?

Second the suggestion to go to the GP and to start looking after yourself more. Your son has always had to rely on you as the sensible, healthy parent and I'd imagine you've been quite isolated from friends because of your exP's behaviour over the years. It's really hard at the moment to see the opportunities in a fresh start for you and your son because you both love him.

But he wasn't good for you OL - either of you. You can still love someone and not be partnered with him and there is an opportunity here to make a fresh start free of living with someone who was bringing you both down so much.

Orchidlady Tue 26-Feb-13 13:45:51

Taking time of work is not an option, am self employed and need money right now. DS is doing ok, making sure he eats well and keeping busy. We are watching a lot of movies. I am hiding my anger/hurt well from him. Sleep is the biggest problem. Work is good really as it takes my mind of things

Charbon Tue 26-Feb-13 16:08:26

Where's he living OL? Do you know for definite that he is where he says he is? Is he going to take DS to where he's living tomorrow?

Orchidlady Tue 26-Feb-13 16:26:12

DS knows the place and is safe. He he just called to speak with DS seemed very pleased he had managed to find a place to live ( as current one temporary). Said he would tell me all about about later. Err no, not slightest bit interested. I think the man is an android. What a dick!

Charbon Tue 26-Feb-13 16:52:45

I wouldn't have thought that he has just found a place to live, although he might present it that way. I'd have thought this has been in the planning for a while. I suspect there's a whole wealth of information that's been hidden from you OL for a long time. In fact you know that was once the case and that he's got form for hiding things and keeping secrets.

Glad your anger is coming through. It's a very necessary stage after denial, although I think you probably need to do a bit more work on that denial so that it can come through fully.

skaboy Tue 26-Feb-13 18:43:32

OL, the herbal stuff is 100% natural and checked it out extensively before taking any. There are no dodgy side effects although it takes afew days to really start working. I think its what is keeping me going at the moment. That and my kids and good friends.

jynier Wed 27-Feb-13 00:58:42

OL - so sorry for your troubles; listen to AF, her advice is great!

Orchidlady Wed 27-Feb-13 09:40:31

Actually managed to sleep the whole night through, first time since he left. Feeling really sad though, DS is being picked up from school by his dad today, hope it goes well. The place he has found is not suitable is a room in a shared house ( friend of a friend apparently,) would not be able to take son there. I am still smarting over his breezy comments and lack of empathy yesterday. He actually does not seem to give a shit, 20 years is such a long time sad, you think it would mean something.

Orchidlady Wed 27-Feb-13 15:10:35

Any advice on how to behave when he drops DS off tonight, I am feeling so hurt and angry this afternoon, have cried buckets.

You sound really emotional and upset. I would suggest that you avoid seeing him. Let DS come in on his own...you don't need to have direct contact with STBXH.

Orchidlady Wed 27-Feb-13 15:28:27

fed I know that is an understatement, I suppose up till today I have had to keep it all together for DS, I should be on the school run now. I think I need to write a list why we should not be together. I don't trust myself to be unemotional like him

Charbon Wed 27-Feb-13 16:06:23

At some point you're going to have to have a conversation about next steps but now is too early I think, when emotions are running high and you're still shocked and raw. The reason he is more matter of fact and upbeat is because he has been planning this.

As has been said, you don't need to have direct contact with him at all tonight and if he tries to talk about his new plans, it is okay to say you don't want any interaction at the moment.

Yes do write down that list. And re-read all of your old threads. Then you might see why I'm so convinced that you've been in denial for a long time about some of his activities. But his actions that have been in the open domain would have sabotaged most relationships a long time ago.

Orchidlady Wed 27-Feb-13 16:10:00

Sorry I know I am being pathetic, I think the main problem is loneliness right now. I work form home not meeting people, have lost all confidence and can't see why anyone else will ever want me in the future

Charbon Wed 27-Feb-13 16:21:15

I think you've been lonely in this relationship though love, don't you?

You're not being pathetic at all. You've held this excuse of a man together for years and he's drained the life-force from you. Living with an alcoholic depressive deters friendships with others too because you've probably felt erroneously responsible for some of his behaviours e.g. drink driving, antisocial behaviour etc.

You need time and space to lick your wounds but you do need to see the situation and him with more clarity. Don't fear your own anger either. It's righteous and you've got good reason to be furious.

One of the best things you could do now is to reach out to a friend to whom you've never been able to tell the whole story. Ask people for help and be honest with them about how your life has been for umpteen years. Most good friends will be glad to help and relieved that you're not covering for him any longer.

JuliaScurr Wed 27-Feb-13 16:23:06

Orchid You're not being pathetic, you're expressing totally appropriate pain. You are bound to feel lonely right now, and of course, your confidence has been knocked. It will get better. You will feel better. Of course someone else will want you! <Tuts> One day at a time.

Orchidlady Wed 27-Feb-13 18:32:39

Just reading some of my old threads, on charbons suggestion.Wow not good really. He has just called to tell me that all is well, chatty and happy grrrrrr

raenbow Wed 27-Feb-13 21:36:28

There is not anything wrong with you Orchid, this is just part of the process you will have to go through to get to the other side. (having just emerged I can see that now) You will go through the nostalgia thing, blame, regret, anger possibly some hate and then exhausted by all that emotion you will somehow come out into the light.
I hate it when my ex tries to be friendly and chatty too, takes the wind out of my sails and makes me regretful of the 20 years we've lost, but I can see that he sees nothing wrong in his behaviour and that is why he can remain the same. He said last week I hope we can become friends and I told him we would not be friends as my friends don't treat me that badly!
It is lonely to start but always keep in mind your son is with you so you will NEVER be alone when you have your child. Can he say the same? Take care of yourself and your son and you will soon find it begins to hurt less and less ( and I know a month ago I thought yes but what do these people know about how I feel when I loved him so much but they were right!) thanks

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now