Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He has gone - I am heart broken

(92 Posts)
Orchidlady Thu 21-Feb-13 13:05:17

That's it really after 20 years together he has just packed his stuff and left. I am sitting here in the house we have shared for the last 12 years. I can't stop crying, only last week he said he wanted things to work, trouble is he just has not tried enough, if only he could show me he really cared I would have begged him to stay, instead I said nothing. What the hell am I going to tell DS when pick him up in a couple of hours from school, he will be devastated. I should be working now but I can't. All I want to do is cry. Please some words of wisdom I am a complete wreck right now. Am worried about money, being alone not coping, God this is horrid. Part of me actually feels sorry for him, did not think I would feel that.

Mynxie Fri 22-Feb-13 15:58:46

I've been where you are now Orchid, and understand how difficult it is living one minute to the next. I found it very helpful to write a diary. I would write down everything that I was feeling, knowing that no one else would ever read it. It did seem to help a lot. The other thing I did every morning was to write a list of things that I wanted to do that day and made sure that I did them. Sometimes it was incredibly hard as all I wanted to do was sit and cry but having a list did seem to focus me.

My DS was only four when my ex H left me, and I had no family to help.

You know yourself that you will feel better in time, but of course that is no help to you at the moment. your first priority will be to care for your son, but please make sure that you care for yourself as well. I'm sure eating will be the last thing on your mind at the moment, but do try. Things will get better, I promise and it won't always feel as it does at the moment.

I really feel for you, and wish there was something I could do to take the pain away.

DancingInTheMoonlight Fri 22-Feb-13 16:17:54

Are you fairly near a town or city? Often if you go on the local town/cities website there are free events and activities on... May be an opportunity to try something new?

Orchidlady Fri 22-Feb-13 16:38:41

Mynxie Thanks, nice wine will help when I finish work. Trouble gave up smoking a week ago so a bit tricky on that front. I find I am swinging between crying and getting really cross, such a self entitled git, I hate him right now. But obviuosly having to hide that from DS. He seems really worried about his Dad, tbh I think he probably is loosing th plot but not up for me to save him this time. Last week spent loads on money on valentines pressies and how it wants things to be better to a week later just walking out.

The best advice that I have been given is to let yourself go through it so if you need to cry do. Your son will understand you being sad at this time. Be as strong as you can but don't be hard on yourself. I gave up smoking two years ago but have been having a couple here and there. Am pissed off with myself but I know that I can give up again. Coping strategies is to talk....it's so fucking hard but seek support and if not much in real life do it on here. I check in most days x

jynier Sat 23-Feb-13 03:50:41

Orchidlady - Have just seen your posts; hope that you and your DS are feeling a little better now! Men!!!

Orchidlady Mon 25-Feb-13 09:12:32

Well managed to get through the weekend. Tried to keep busy but was pretty hard, friends and family have been kind. I am so pissed off with him. He has called DS once since leaving on Thursday, understandably thinks his Dad does not love/like him. What can I say. Poor kid was in floods of tears this morning, but insisted that he went to school. A tempted to call not so DP this morning I am so angry. What do you guys think?

Helltotheno Mon 25-Feb-13 09:50:36

You give very little info about your DP ... is he an alcoholic?
If having his pets prevents you from getting away, give them back to him. It's not your responsibility and you could probably do with getting away.

Have you lined up some RL support?

Orchidlady Mon 25-Feb-13 10:11:21

hell Yes an alcoholic. Managed to get through this weekend, see my last post, I am fuming that he has only rang DS once. Poor kid is devastated and thinks Dad does not care and blaming me saying he has not called in case I answer the phone. It was horrbile watching him crying this morning and trying to keep it together. Had a bit of RL support this weekend thanks smile

Helltotheno Mon 25-Feb-13 10:23:33

Maybe your son would benefit from going to Alateen sessions, as it's clear he is old enough to understand what's going on with his dad. It might help him come to terms with it and see that the best thing for you and him right now is that his dad is gone.

raskolnikov Mon 25-Feb-13 11:48:11

Hi Orchid, I'm glad you got through the weekend OK - these first few days are so difficult but gradually you'll be able to focus a bit better and concentrate on getting yourself and your son through this. I was in your place 5 years ago, left with 3 DCs. Sadly my ex has behaved very selfishly throughout, but my DCs have learnt over time that that's how he is. My relationship with them has grown very close and they are now turning into lovely adults.

The one thing I felt was vitally important was to never obstruct their access to their DF - I encouraged them to visit, invited him to parents' evenings (altho he rarely went) and made sure they were aware that I made every effort to keep things amicable. Believe me I know how tough a call that can be. However, perhaps if and when he does call your DS, when you answer the phone, you can keep calm and amenable so that your DS can see you're not getting in the way of him seeing/talking to his DF. If you can keep it together at these times, you'll feel a whole lot better in the long run. Easier said than done, of course. Good luck and keep posting.

Orchidlady Mon 25-Feb-13 12:03:58

rasK thanks for your kind words. I have called him this morning and said we need to talk, it is going to be a difficult conversation, I am feeling very emotional. He seemed really please to hear from me. He is so odd. I need to get through to him that contact with DS is vital and needs to come from him or eventually DS sorrow will turn to anger and resentment.

raskolnikov Mon 25-Feb-13 12:16:34

I know its very early days, but if you can get an arrangement in place for him to see your DS regularly and establish that routine, it will help him enormously (your DS that is). Perhaps you should stress that it has to be reliable and regular contact and that letting your DS down is absolutely not on.

Orchidlady Mon 25-Feb-13 12:34:20

I actually feel a whole lot worse today. Just wish this was not happeningsad Trying so hard to concentrate on work but not happening.

raskolnikov Mon 25-Feb-13 12:42:31

I work from home too - too much time alone to sit and think...

Can you organise to meet a friend for lunch one day, plan some sort of distraction?

Can you get DS a payg phone so dad can contact him without going through you?

JuliaScurr Mon 25-Feb-13 13:02:40

Orchid Sorry for you troubles brew

you might find Al Anon helpful - even ifyou're not together now, living with alcoholism takes its toll www.al-anonuk.org.uk/about

stay occupied and do whatever you want to get through it - chocolate, cigs, cry, whatever

You will feel better eventually

Lean on friends, family, mumsnet

Make sure you eat regularly

Orchidlady Mon 25-Feb-13 13:24:49

Just spoken with him and he has agreed to buy DS a phone and promised to arrange organised contact. I am in bits. , this is the first time we have spoken since he left sad sad. Trouble is we still love each other, he was my best freind. He is just so fucked up.

raskolnikov Mon 25-Feb-13 13:35:54

If he's so fucked up, then it is best he's away from you and your DS isn't it? Hopefully he can sort himself out somehow. Is he getting help?

NoveltySlippers Mon 25-Feb-13 13:45:21

Orchid - so sorry to hear about what you're going through. No time to post as at work, but sending flowers

Charbon Mon 25-Feb-13 13:48:54

Orchidlady your exP has been an appallingly selfish partner and father. You're right that those who've seen your threads will be glad the relationship is over because it was very bad for you and your son, but that doesn't preclude anyone feeling sympathy for your pain and confusion, or your son's understandable hurt that his father has walked out without explaining his reasons.

This man was unfaithful, a drink-driver, a depressive, an alcoholic who expected you to go for years without sex and intimacy and you seem to have spent your whole time propping him up and clearing up after his messes. It's been a very bad environment for your son.

If he stays away this time (he's probably got someone else again) then it will be a blessing because you were quite obviously co-dependant and unable to cut the ties yourself. However that doesn't mean that he can walk out on his parenting responsibilities and so you need to help your son to see him, without taking any responsibility for your exP's behaviour if he neglects his fathering role. That will be his decision and not one you can affect.

Get some help for you and your son independently in the meantime. Tell the pastoral lead at his school what's happened and think about some counselling for you both. Try to plan something nice for you and him that you would have been unable to do when his father was around. Get a really good friend to list the positives of no longer living with an alcoholic, infidelitous, depressive man.

Helltotheno Mon 25-Feb-13 13:51:44

Sorry had not seen all your back story OP. What Charbon said above. You have to move on, for your son's sake if not your own.

Orchidlady Mon 25-Feb-13 14:21:01

charbon I know you are right, harsh smile I am just in such pain right now, all I can think of are all the lovely times and good things he does and it makes me cry. Wish I could hate him, I guess that might happen.

Charbon Mon 25-Feb-13 14:24:35

It might help you to re-read all of your threads in order to see him and the relationship more realistically. You've been in pain for years as far as I can see and your son's childhood has been affected very badly. Try if you can to focus on your son now. Will you try to get him some help through his school? Do they have a counsellor for example?

Orchidlady Mon 25-Feb-13 14:32:08

charbon I have really kept up a good front all weekend, kept him busy and talked whenever he wanted. WE ante out on Sunday with my mum. I spoke with his school this morning and they are going to keep an eye on him. He is seeing his Dad on Wend and he has agreed to buy him a mobile phone so they can keep in touch easily. I need to find a coping mechanism for myself, I sure it will get better in time, just horrible right now. I feel empty. Having a good cry before picking DS up from school.

Charbon Mon 25-Feb-13 15:20:02

I think you need to find a coping mechanism for both of you - not just in relation to his departure, but the damage his presence has done over the years.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now