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Living together in silence

(101 Posts)
gingerbreadshoes Wed 20-Feb-13 21:18:44

I have nc for this as DP has been known to lurk and I don't want him to find this.

For some reason at the moment DP is not speaking to me, when I ask him if he is ok he doesn't answer and if I ask him a question about his day for example I just get one word answers back.

This has been going on for a while but it has gradually got worse to the point now where he didn't even speak to my family when they were here tonight.

He has said that he has had stressful days at work but I really don't think it is this that is causing his silence and if it is it seems a bit unfair to take it out on me.

We have a young DS together and he is fine with him, talking and playing normally but just no interaction with me.

I know I can be grumpy and short tempered at times but it is when I am tired as I have mobility problems which I think he tends to forget about because they are not obvious but do wear me out especially if DS has been having a clingy day.

I have tried to speak to him about this before as it's not the first time he has been like this but he just says he feels like he is missing out on something but doesn't know what and he has always believed this so is never truly happy with what he has, whereas I am the opposite and perfectly happy with what I have/achieved.

He is out at the moment and I will be in bed by the time he gets back so I won't get a chance to talk to him about it tonight but I would like some ideas on how to tackle this please.

ApplyYourself Tue 26-Feb-13 23:40:43

PS For God sake don't let him give you a little list of YOUR faults! And i have just noticed that you say his parents wouldn't accept him at home. Try really really hard to develop some courage up and boot him out. He doesn't want you - his words and actions are screaming that at you.

You are worth more and i promise you, in time, you'll see this.

ApplyYourself Tue 26-Feb-13 23:38:33

You have to do what is right for you, not what you think is expected from you by a bunch of internet idiots smile

But do think very very carefully. I think if a man says that he does not love you and also acts like he doesn't love you and says he is only staying for his child... this is not the ideal foundation for you to build a future on. Because you will always feel insecure. He has not reassured you of his love for you and indeed has done the opposite - managed to get you to accept some blame for what are effectively his actions.

I'm really sorry but we will probably see you back here in a few months. And maybe then you can work up to getting rid of this idiot of a man who is ruining your self esteem with his pathetic and cowardly behaviour.

gingerbreadshoes Tue 26-Feb-13 21:26:36

Thank you all for your comments and support. This is by no means over and forgotten and once I have heard my faults from him i believe that i will.be in a better place to either deal with them or tell him to accept them or not.

I'm not going to put up with the silent treatment anymore and if any of his friends make remarks about our relationship I will.not put up with that either and he knows this.

I am grateful that there is support on here that I can access at any time. It may not seem as though I am being strong but I am because I know that once I have found out the legal side of things I will feel in control again rather than upset and in shock.

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 21:13:03

As always smile

We will still be here whenever you need us

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 20:28:42

OP has made her choice, I think.

Xales Tue 26-Feb-13 20:26:01

This is so sad. That you are willing to settle for this. He has only come back because he was told to. Not because he wanted you. Deep down you know that sad

You want him to stay so he can see how much he hurt you? Have you already forgotten that he deliberately treated you to silence because he knew just how much it hurt you. He understands. He really does. He just doesn't care.

I hope you realise that being on your own is far better than being lonely in a relationship.

Good luck.

Charbon Tue 26-Feb-13 19:58:38

I don't like the sound of this 'there is fault on both sides' that you're accepting.

You didn't have an affair and subject him to the silent treatment until your nasty secret was out, did you?

You sound so passive about this. His parents won't have him, so he came home? He's there because he's got nowhere else to go.

Do get some legal advice and see your GP about some counselling for why you think this is all you're due in a relationship. I wish you luck and greater strength and confidence.

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 19:14:38

Good luck, and take care of yourself. You are worth taking good care of.

AgathaF Tue 26-Feb-13 19:06:37

This thread is about you and your situation. You have to do what's right for you and no-one else can tell you what that is.
I think speaking to cab is a good move though.

gingerbreadshoes Tue 26-Feb-13 18:56:16

He hasn't gone to his parents now as he went to theirs and they told him he had to sort this out by being at home so he is here.

He has told me that there is fault on both sides which I know and accept and he does want to work things out.

He has broken off contact with the ow and I have said that if she is socialising at the same time as us with mutual friend (hasn't happened before) that this would be too much for me.

In a way I am glad he is here because I want him to understand just how hurt I am by his behaviour.

In the meantime I am going to speak to cab because I do not want to be in a position of not knowing where I stand legally.

I know this isn't the outcome that you thought should happen but I want to be able to tell ds that I tried if it doesn't work out. This thread has helped me so much I know have far lower tolerance levels for his behaviour as I can see that it is not ok and I thank you all for that thanks

AgathaF Tue 26-Feb-13 16:08:09

What a horrible, cowardly man he is.

I hope he did actually go to his parents, and I hope you are coping ok.

You shouldn't have to be on the receiving end of his bad behaviour - not his emotional affair, nor his abusive behaviour prior to you knowing about the EA.

You son shouldn't have to grow up in a home where one of his parents ignores the other for kicks. He might not be aware of it now, but he definitely will as he gets older.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
It's a good move that he is now not there. I think the break will do you both the world of good.
You will realise what a relief it is not to have him around.
You do everything anyway so think of that.
You will be better off without him there and you will see that quite soon.
There is someone out there who will love, cherish and respect you as you deserve!
Keep us posted - hope all is going well today with you and DC!

yellowbrickrd Tue 26-Feb-13 14:41:39

Hope you are feeling ok today ginger. When I mentioned Relate/counselling I actually meant for you not him - someone in rl you can talk to about this without being judged or ignored. Good luck, I think you've come a long way in a week smile

Charbon Tue 26-Feb-13 01:34:01

It's likely to be far more positive an experience than the ability to 'do it on your own'.

It's likely that it will be much easier and better doing it on your own. You said earlier that you have some mobility problems. Could the CAB advise on any additional help you could access as a single parent?

He's telling the truth about not wanting to be on his own fending for himself, but I suspect it's a lie about calling off the relationship with the OW. He probably hasn't seen her for dust after she dumped him for fear of her partner finding out.

Try to imagine what your new life could be like. No brooding silences, no fear about someone coming home and complaining about a few toys out of place, being able to invite your family round without fearing your partner's rudeness and hostility towards them, being able to meet new people and make new friends and only feeling responsible for your self and not someone else's behaviour towards them. Being able to meet trustworthy new men when BF is over and your son goes to stay with dad for the weekend. That's got to be better than this hasn't it?

gingerbreadshoes Mon 25-Feb-13 23:23:43

No he suggested counselling but as I read on another thread it doesn't mean he will be honest.

He is going to stay with his parents from tomorrow and he says he will tell the ow not to contact him again.

When I questioned the fact that he hasn't said he wants to stay for me he said he meant me when he said he didn't want to be alone. For me this is too vague and only given as an answer after the event because he knows now that is what I wanted to hear.

I have told him he is arogant for putting his own happiness and exciting texts above us but he doesn't see it that way.

I hope a break will do us both good and maybe I will realise I can do it on my own.

yellowbrickrd Mon 25-Feb-13 23:09:48

Did you do anything about Relate ginger? Doesn't have to be them of course, but someone professional that you could talk to could be a big help at this stage. It's also a good idea to see a solicitor and find out where you stand re the house and finances. Being practical in this way gives you more strength.

Btw, I reckon you do have someone who loves you for yourself and that's your ds.

dilemmanc Mon 25-Feb-13 22:08:02

One person's love and trying will not fix a relationship if the other half has already left

This is what I'm telling myself about my relationship. He's left our relationship emotionally although he says he's holding on hoping things will turn around and end up good. he's doing nothing to make it better though. I also suspect that there is/has been someone else but I haven't been able to find a single thing that backs this up. Just a gut feeling. he says I have issues trusting men but the reality is that I have a problem trusting him because he's lying about something and keeping secrets but he's too damned good at covering his trail.

Xales Mon 25-Feb-13 22:07:12

You need to learn to be happy alone. To value yourself for your worth and not how you are treated by others.

It will not be easy and will hurt like hell however the sooner you start the process of separation and mourning for the end of this relationship, the sooner you start on the path to healing.

Eventually there will be someone else. Someone who treats you right. That won't happen while you are stuck in this mess though.

Charbon Mon 25-Feb-13 22:06:16

If you get out of this relationship it is extremely likely that you will make new friends. I can honestly assure you that I've met countless women who on exiting an abusive relationship realised how much an odious partner was putting people off making friends with them.

If your mum is of the type who thinks that relationships should be saved at all costs, she is not the best person to advise. If you were my daughter I would be encouraging you to see how much happier your life could be without this horrible man.

He's not staying put because he feels sorry for you. He's staying put because the OW is in a relationship that she won't leave and he's got nowhere else to go. If he cared even tuppence for you he wouldn't be throwing his weight around that he has rights as it's his house too. He would acknowledge that it's too painful and soul destoying to live with a partner who does not love you.

I assure you, if the OW would house him he would be gone and would be sending you solicitors' letters for his share of the house so that you would be homeless.

AnyFucker Mon 25-Feb-13 22:00:03

I am so sorry, love. It is so hard to see it in black and white. You can't fool yourself for very long though, it is going to make you ill

he is going to make you ill.

No man is worth this. No single, solitary man ever put on this planet is worth this.

Think back to a time when you were free and single and thought you had the world at your feet. What happened to that woman ? Well, he did, and he will continue to chip away at your self confidence while you let him.

She is still in there !

Tbh, your mum is too close to the situation to be completely impartial. She doesn't want to be the one to advise you to end your marriage. No one does. But this isn't a marriage, is it ?

gingerbreadshoes Mon 25-Feb-13 21:55:14

I have managed to keep.myself together until I just read the latest posts and now I am sobbing my heart out on my own upstairs because I know what you are all saying is true but I just don't want it to be.

I have given him plenty of opportunities to say he would miss being with me as a person and he hasn't said it.

He has also at the last count told 5 people about his unhappiness but doesn't understand why this has upset me so much.

I don't really have anyone I can call a real friend in rl which makes me feel even worse, I haven't got anyone else to talk this through with as my mum must have so many splinters in her bum from sitting on the fence so much today.

I don't want him to stay because he feels sorry for me or because he doesn't think I will cope on my own all I want is someone who loves me for me like other people have.

AnyFucker Mon 25-Feb-13 21:44:45

This thread is so sad. That women will settle for so little.

Look love, as well as this man making a fool of you...you are doing it to yourself. You are handing your self respect to him, on a plate, with a bow on top.

Not too long ago, you were adamant he had to go

More info has come to light that makes that even more imperative

And now you are convincing yourself he has to stay so you don't look like the bad guy

Will you listen to yourself as if you were your own best friend? What would you say to you ?

ApplyYourself Mon 25-Feb-13 21:22:27

You might not want to be on your own but SURELY that is preferable to being with a man who has actually TOLD YOU that he does not love you. He has told you this... he doesn't love you, he is texting another woman and he doesn't speak to you unless he has to.

Think about that. Don't you deserve more than the pathetic scraps he is throwing you?

Charbon Mon 25-Feb-13 21:21:49

I think you need some therapy to find out why you love and want to stay with someone who has treated you this badly. What happened to make you feel this is all you are worth?

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