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Living together in silence

(101 Posts)
gingerbreadshoes Wed 20-Feb-13 21:18:44

I have nc for this as DP has been known to lurk and I don't want him to find this.

For some reason at the moment DP is not speaking to me, when I ask him if he is ok he doesn't answer and if I ask him a question about his day for example I just get one word answers back.

This has been going on for a while but it has gradually got worse to the point now where he didn't even speak to my family when they were here tonight.

He has said that he has had stressful days at work but I really don't think it is this that is causing his silence and if it is it seems a bit unfair to take it out on me.

We have a young DS together and he is fine with him, talking and playing normally but just no interaction with me.

I know I can be grumpy and short tempered at times but it is when I am tired as I have mobility problems which I think he tends to forget about because they are not obvious but do wear me out especially if DS has been having a clingy day.

I have tried to speak to him about this before as it's not the first time he has been like this but he just says he feels like he is missing out on something but doesn't know what and he has always believed this so is never truly happy with what he has, whereas I am the opposite and perfectly happy with what I have/achieved.

He is out at the moment and I will be in bed by the time he gets back so I won't get a chance to talk to him about it tonight but I would like some ideas on how to tackle this please.

Hissy Sun 24-Feb-13 14:20:57

He needs to leave.

Stonewalling is the worst kind of abuse.

He has to go.

Think of your DS, you want him doing this to you when he gets in a strop? He will, cos he'll learn off this dreadful angry man.

Dump him now.

Remember that he is neither your boss or your owner and you don't have to obey him about tidying up. Take DS and go out, tell Sulkybollocks that if the mess bothers him, he can tidy it up himself.
And if this means he goes all silent again, just ignore it like you would a toddler tantrum. He's a waste of space.

gingerbreadshoes Sun 24-Feb-13 14:32:42

dilemmanc feel free to hijack there are many helpful people here and it has helped me to get advice from the outside.

Funnily enough he too has been recently looking at porn but I don't know for how long (not trying to dripfeed but I didn't know how to drop it into the thread before)

I'm having too much fun atm watching ds learning to walk so won't be going out or tidying for a while grin .

Please don't think I am ignoring peoples advice I am just storing it up and it is making me realise that a month won't make a difference we are who we are and that can't be easily changed. If I tried to be a stepford wife it wouldn't last because it's not who I am.

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 15:10:32

We don't think you are ignoring us, love

CarnivorousPanda Sun 24-Feb-13 16:42:59

He's told you he's not happy with what he has.

So his response is to make you unhappy?

Agree with others -you don't want your DS growing up thinking this is normal.
I think he's biding his time, maybe he wants you to throw him out so he can play the aggrieved innocent party.

Hissy Sun 24-Feb-13 16:45:00

You have to come to the realisation in your own time. 4 weeks won't make any difference.

Let me tell you, even if you WERE a stepford wife, it wouldn't be good enough, there would still be some heinous crime you'd be guilty of.

OK, so you know what the outcome of this will be, and you know that the end is coming, you just need to understand it, get your head around it and manage it.

You are frightened of the future, scared his brainwashing 'you can't make it out there' is true.

Let me tell you that it SO is NOT true. I was much more crushed than you, scared of leaving the house, terrified of looking people/men in the face for fear of repercussions, but I made it!

2 years on I'm happier and stronger than I've ever been in my life. MN helped enormously, as did my very few remaining friends.

I can tell you that getting out of this will be the making of you and your DS. Please don't worry about the future without this guy, it can't be any worse than it is now. Not really. this treatment is worse and more damaging than being battered tbh. You can't get police intervention when someone is ignoring you, you can't get rescued then. But you need it just as much, you do need to get away from this horrible angry man.

Remember that you didn't do this, HE DID. He is choosing to use heavyweight tactics to manipulate and undermine you. Because he can, because he wants to, and because it makes HIM happy to see you squirm/suffer. He told you that in plain words.

None of this will ever get any better, only when you leave.

Charbon Sun 24-Feb-13 18:02:16

The porn is no surprise. It's usually a big factor in infidelity.

If you didn't go out today then you're just playing into his hands. I can't see the point of playing for time, because he's working to his timescale here, not yours or his son's. When it suits him, he'll leave without a backward glance - and that might cause havoc at that point whereas if it's your decision, you can put things in place to ameliorate the loss and disruption.

Hissy Sun 24-Feb-13 18:23:28

These monumental twats get a hard on by inflicting pain and terror. He's enjoying his work here, making the OP beg for conversation, but only getting it when he deems her 'good enough'

He won't leave, not when he's enjoying this.

gingerbreadshoes Mon 25-Feb-13 09:53:46

Well today I have found out that he has been texting a woman he met about a month ago! He met her as a stranger then realised they knew a couple of the same people and have been in touch ever since. He has told her about his unhappiness because he didn't feel that he could speak to me. I have told him how hurt and upset I am and that I don't feel I can trust him now but he says shes already in a relationship and there is nothing going on she was just someone who could give him impartial advice.

I do feel hypocritical because I have been posting on here about us but I'm not sure if it the same or not?

Am just so upset that he didn't even try to speak to me as far as I was aware up until last week we were fine, I told him I can't fix something if I don't know its broken.

Don't know whether to keep this to myself or speak to my mum when she comes over am a mixture of sad and angry right now.

AnyFucker Mon 25-Feb-13 10:12:34

Of course it's not the same !

We are a bunch of anonymous internet sprites you will never meet

He is building an emotional connection with an Ow he has contact with

Not surprised at all to see there is a 3rd person in your relationship

Boy, these "monumental twats" really do follow a predictable script, don't they?

gingerbreadshoes Mon 25-Feb-13 10:25:06

I have to say anyfucker I'm a little suprised grin !

He admits that he can see how it looks but says there is nothing going on between them as he wouldn't do that to me.

I have told him to leave and said that it's his own fault that he won't get to see ds wake up every morning, he begged me not to do this but it's the only way I can make him see the seriousness of what he has done.

AnyFucker Mon 25-Feb-13 10:51:01

Good on you. Is he going then, or is he going to hang around with a hangdog expression like a bad smell?

Personally, I think the best course of action is to end your relationship permanently for what you originally posted about. But a man who pushes you out, stonewalls you, abuses you emotionally whilst pursuing an emotional connection with another woman deserves his arse showing to him for good.

I appreciate you may not (yet) be at that point. But certainly, giving him the unequivocal message that you will not tolerate this shoddy treatment is the only thing you can do at this point. Unless you go and have a frontal lobotomy, that is.

What will be very telling, is if he continues to contact this OW.

Op, he isn't saying anything that gives you a reason to let him stay. He is not apologising, he is not behaving in a loving way at all. He is only saying don't do this, because he can't imagine life without seeing ds in the mornings! He hasn't said, he can't imagine waking and not seeing you there in the mornings. He does not seem to be saying he loves being with you, and would miss you, and wants to do everything he can to try to make things better.

I wouldn't want to be with a man who wasn't wholeheartedly wanting to be with me. But was just there for his ds.

What an absolute insult!

You are on MN, trying to get help because your 'D'P has inexplicably stopped talking to you.

He is texting another woman, trying to seek solace with her, and presumably telling her he feels he is missing out on something etc. or perhaps she is telling him he is missing out on something....

Two different things entirely.

If it were me, I'd get him out now.

Littleturkish Mon 25-Feb-13 11:37:09

Totally not surprising. No wonder it was so easy to ignore you when he was in contact with this other woman.

He has to go. Twat.

OneMoreGo Mon 25-Feb-13 11:49:40

The Script! UNBELIEVABLE. So, so sad for you, you deserve about a million times better than this bloke.

gingerbreadshoes Mon 25-Feb-13 12:11:07

I have text the mutal friend and she just said they had got to know each other on fb and found they got on well as friends.

I have told my mum so am getting some rl support although she keeps changing the subject and then going back to it.

You are right he hasn't said he would miss me once its all about ds, his biggest fear is that I will stop him from seeing ds but I would never do that as its not fair on ds.

He hasnt contacted me so far today and he was asking what time I will be at home this afternoon.but I wouldnt give an exact time.

I am just so disapointed that he has behaved so predictably, my dad has done the same and says he regrets leaving so the grass is not greener.

AnyFucker Mon 25-Feb-13 12:20:47

Stupid man.

Charbon Mon 25-Feb-13 12:42:40

Well of course they are both lying to you and are having an affair, because they've both got an investment in lying as they are both in relationships. If it was innocent, he would have told you.

It's irrelevant really because he is abusive regardless of the affair. How ridiculous to say 'he wouldn't do that to you' when he is quite prepared to emotionally abuse you, say he doesn't love you any more and that he likes to upset you. As if having an affair is any different or worse than that.

CarnivorousPanda Mon 25-Feb-13 13:50:10

He has checked out emotionally from your relationship. Now he's contacting other women. I'm sorry, but i think that says it all.

gingerbreadshoes Mon 25-Feb-13 20:36:08

Ok so we have been talking again and I told him how hurt I feel that a complete stranger knows more about our relationship than I do. I also said how can I believe that he hasn't been meeting up with her even though he denies this. I asked to read the texts which he did let me after a while but said there were only ones on there since saturday.

Reading them it doesn't seem as though they have met up but he told her that I know about her so she said it might make me buck my ideas up, nice!

He keeps saying that he doesn't know why he is unhappy so I told him that even if he left and met someone else he wouldn't be guaranteed happiness because he can't say what will make him happy.

I am so confused because while he has had time to chat to a few different people I have only had a couple of days. I don't want him to leave because I do love him and I have told him this.

I'm also not sure how I can face all the people he has been telling because they know personal stuff about me and I will always feel as though they are judging my every move.

Charbon Mon 25-Feb-13 20:48:00

You saw only the texts from the last few days after he'd been found out and even then he was grudging about showing you them. Since you found out, he has deleted the more incriminating ones of course.

He has obviously been bad-mouthing you to this woman and goodness knows who else. This blatant disloyalty, together with the abusive behaviour, is disgraceful.

And yet after all that you don't want him to leave and you love him?

Why?

Xales Mon 25-Feb-13 20:51:37

How do you see this working if you stay with him?

He carries on chatting to his new friend? Bitching to her plus all your other friends?

Treats you with contemptuous silence whenever he feels he wants to upset you for some real or imagined reason rather than discuss it like an adult.

Sleeps beside you every night after treating you this way with no love for you? Or will you move to separate rooms?

Finally forms a strong enough attachment to this other woman over his bitching about you and how hard his life is to leave you.

How long do you want to live like that?

gingerbreadshoes Mon 25-Feb-13 21:02:14

Because I don't want to be on my own sad .

I told him that if we were to stay together then he would have to cut off all contact with her as she is not a long term friend that he needs in his life and he agreed.

He says he had to talk to other people to gain the confidence to talk to me. I did say that he hadn't tried before so he had no way of knowing how I would react he was just second guessing me.

He doesn't know if we could ever work things out with him being the way he is - unsure of what he wants from life/unable to find happiness in what he does have.

I know that it all points to us splitting up but he did say earlier it was his house too so why should he leave and I don't know how I could make him.

This ow is worried that I will cause trouble for her in her relationship so clearly she knows what they have been doing is wrong.

This seems so easy written down but I don't want to be the one who tells him to leave as then he becomes the injured party although I know this isn't the time for point scoring.

Charbon Mon 25-Feb-13 21:12:25

Being single is infinitely preferable than a relationship like this. What do you fear so much from being single?

Of course the OW is worried. She's been having an affair with your partner and cheating on her own. She'll possibly drop him like a stone now, so don't believe their relationship will cease for your benefit.

Asking an abusive, ambivalent, unfaithful man to leave does not make him the injured party and you shouldn't give a damn if that's what he chooses to tell people. Ending a relationship for these reasons is the only sensible, sane course of action.

He's lying to you. He didn't have to strike up a new relationship with a stranger to give him the courage to talk to you. He did that in order to embark on an affair. His use of silent punishment and callous treatment of you was because he's abusive, not scared of discussion.

yellowbrickrd Mon 25-Feb-13 21:16:40

I might have known he would refuse to go, the git. Your updates have made me so angry ginger and you really need to start feeling some of that.

Fact is, living with those punishing silences, his betrayal (whatever he has or hasn't done he has clearly betrayed you) and his arrogance - you already are living alone because he is no support to you.

Telling this person that you love him will only make him despise you more and encourage him to abuse his hold over you. Please believe you are worth more than that.

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