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I've fallen for my friend...what do I do now?

(22 Posts)
FruitOwl Wed 20-Feb-13 19:19:36

M and I met 12 years ago at uni and became good friends right away. At that time he had a girlfriend at home and I met someone in the first few weeks who I dated for over 2 years. I always thought he was lovely but we were never single at the same time so thought no more of it and just enjoyed being friends.

We stayed in touch and I visited him a couple of years after graduation. We shared a bed, and kissed a few times, but that was all. We then didn'tsee each other again for nearly 6 years but stayed in contact.

He came to stay last weekend and it was like no time had passed at all. We still get on so well and everywhere we went he would hold my hand or put his arm around me. Again, we shared a bed every night and kissed but didn't take things any further. He said lots of lovely things over the weekend, like that he'd always found me attractive and had a soft spot for me, and that he'd been jealous of my uni boyfriend. So far, so good right?

He went home on Monday and I've realised I am completely in love with him. I'm struggling to eat, sleep, concentrate at work etc and am finding it scary as I've not felt like this in such a long time. But I just don't know whether to tell him how I feel as am really worried that he doesn't feel the same and that telling him would ruin our friendship. Also he lives in London and I'm in Devon so that could be a factor in what happens.

So, wise MNers, what should I do now? I have low self esteem and am just terrified that I'll end up heartbroken. Thanks for reading x

ImperialBlether Wed 20-Feb-13 19:21:13

OK are either of you with someone at the moment? Any children between you?

ImperialBlether Wed 20-Feb-13 19:21:55

And when you say 'kissed', do you mean in a romantic and sexual way?

Cailinsalach Wed 20-Feb-13 19:29:48

Oh I think you should open the door and invite him in!

How about calling him, saying how much you enjoyed seeing him and when would he like to do it again?

You know it makes sense.

Bogeyface Wed 20-Feb-13 19:31:42

Why did you share a bed? Sorry but I dont understand that bit!

ImperialBlether Wed 20-Feb-13 19:40:45

Details, OP, details! Spill.

Bogey... When I was single back in the dark ages I'd often share a bed with male friends. Was fairly normal if we were sitting up watching a movie or listening to music to just curl up in the one bed

Op.... It sounds like the feeling is mutual. Send him a message saying you had a lovely time and would love to do it again sometime soon. See what he says!

FruitOwl Wed 20-Feb-13 19:43:31

No, neither of us are seeing anyone else, have both been single for about a year

Neither of us have kids but both have nephews who we adore!

Yes to romantic passionate kissing. Twas lovely.

Not sure why we shared a bed both times really. He has a 1 bed flat and I live in a house share, so no spare room, it just didn't really occur to either of us to kip on the sofa I guess!

I know I'm being silly about the whole thing really but am just so unconfident I've got myself into a real state about it sad

Thanks for the replies.

OhToBeCleo Wed 20-Feb-13 19:48:51

Oooh.....there's a bit of 'One Day' in this story.

Love a good romance!

Would your friendship survive you declaring your feelings and discovering his feelings are only platonic (unlikely)?

FruitOwl Wed 20-Feb-13 19:58:17

Hope so, Cleo.

Tbh though I am more worried about being rejected. I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was unfaithful to me with another man (sorry for the drip feed) and am not very good at putting my feelings out there for fear of ever being that hurt again.

ImperialBlether Wed 20-Feb-13 19:59:36

Is this man confident with women? Is he the sort who would prefer to make the first move or the sort who'd prefer a woman to make the first move?

ImperialBlether Wed 20-Feb-13 20:03:03

I wonder why, when you spent a night in bed kissing, that the next morning there wasn't an arrangement to meet again. Did he say he'd be in touch?

fertilityagogo Wed 20-Feb-13 20:05:21

Somewhat similar story here - we are now married! I LOVE that we were friends first (yes, also for 12 years), knew everything about each other, including families, friends, exes, etc.

It was a bit bumpy at first, and the romance/sex part somewhat awkward in the first few weeks (but not for long) and then it just felt right. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we had NOT gotten together when we did, and I suspect I would always have regretted it.

Let us know how it goes!

Andromaca Wed 20-Feb-13 20:07:23

It happened some 20 years ago the same thing between me and my best friend: we have been together since, married 5 years ago and now we have 2 DC

BUT I had to purse him: he was so scared that he messed up things that he disappeard for days. I'll say call him and invite him out, or for dinner, or a movie and see how it goes.

Good luck

CityTiliDie Wed 20-Feb-13 20:29:58

Oh FFS just go for it!

Whats the worst that can happen? hmm

I couldn't live with not knowing.

I had the hots for a girl at work for months but thought she was well out of my league, would never be interested in me, didn't want to ruin a good friendship and didn't have the balls to ask her out. Eventually I did via work email one friday afternoon but she didn't reply..... I spent the whole weekend feeling awful , worried that I had oer stepped the mark and had ruined a freindship. Come monday morning it turns out that she had gone home early on friday and hadnt seen my email, she agreed to a drink the following day and we have now been married for 13 years!

Just go for it, you just never know. You dont want to be about to draw your last breath, thinking................. what if?

FruitOwl Wed 20-Feb-13 20:32:01

Thank you for the lovely stories, that definitely helps!

Not sure about his confidence with women Imperial. He is a generally confident person but he did tell me he'd been very hurt by his ex and had been hung up on her when they broke up. We have a loose arrangement that I'll go to stay with him in London sometime over the next few months. We've been texting, sending Facebook messages etc this week but I can't tell from them whether he wants anything more than friendship.

I need to be brave and speak to him properly about this I think. He has gone on holiday today, back this time next week

Thank you so much for your advice, I will update when I've had a chance to speak to him

You need to ask yourself if you just think you are in love because you had a good weekend and it was nice to be intimate, or whether you have really fallen in love.

The first step to unravel this is to answer the following (to yourself):

1. How keen were you to take the kissing further and have sex with him.
2. Why did you not have sex with him, ie what stopped you?
a) you
b) him
c) neither of you seemed keen.

Answer this, and you will know what to do next ....

(I had a very good friend (some 20 years ago) whom I loved to hug and snog and we never took things further because it really was just a friendship with nice snogging)

ISeeSmallPeople Wed 20-Feb-13 20:40:29

fertilityagogo are you me? smile

A very good friend said to me in this situation..

Your relationship is already changed as you feel like this.
So don't worry about ruining your friendship.
Go on, just suck it and see...

kalidanger Wed 20-Feb-13 20:54:28

We have to wait a week to find out what happens next?! shock

Skyebluesapphire Wed 20-Feb-13 22:35:44

go for it, whats the worst that can happen..

TDada Wed 20-Feb-13 23:16:38

Please please don't spoil the moment by professing love at this stage. Please continue to enjoy the intensity but do hold off a bit. Invite him out again but stay in control for a bit longer. Go to the gym and burn off the intensity; play lure music and wallow in it all but please please hold off a little longer. Encourage him, have loads of fun but keep your cool babe, just a bit longer babe. It is not that I am encouraging an immature approach but some blokes like to enjoy the journey so please don't take him to the destination too quickly. Savour it babe, this is the essence of life...it is the fuel that makes our hearts beat that little faster. Enjoy and report back.

TDada Fri 22-Feb-13 07:05:28

Where are you OP?

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