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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Something "not quite right"

25 replies

EyePlunge · 20/02/2013 14:21

I don't know what it is but I can't push this feeling from the back of my head that something just isn't quite right with my partner. We've been together about a year and have spent a lot of time together, been away together, been abroad together, been to family get together's together and I've even been to hospital appointments with him etc. So I feel like I know him pretty well. But there is something bothering me and I can't quite put my finger on it. I sit here and think and think and it just doesn't become clear to me. He's lovely to me and we always enjoy each other's company, we have a laugh, great sex, he's good with the kids, he's a good dad to his own kids but there is something not quite right!!! How do I determine what is bothering me?? We're in the process of moving in together so I need to decide one way or another if I'm being paranoid or if my instinct is kicking in for a reason!

OP posts:

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LittleEdie · 20/02/2013 14:25

What sort of 'not quite right' do you mean? Is difficult as a reader to understand. Do you mean you are suspicious of him? Or do you mean ou're not really sure you're compatible?

Have you asked him? Told him how you feel?

EyePlunge · 20/02/2013 14:29

It's more suspicion - like I'm suspicious of his intentions/feelings in a way that I can't quite describe. I suppose I wonder if he's with me for the right reasons sometimes. I wonder where his head is at. Sometimes he says some odd things. I have talked to him and he always reassures me but I can't shake that voice saying "be careful here"

OP posts:

ineedtochange · 20/02/2013 14:29

I agree. Is it a gut feeling of being suspicious or that something is amiss in the relationship. You do need to sit down and discuss this with him if you want the relationship to go somewhere and by your on admission everything seems to be going well apart from this. Maybe discussing this and him knowing about the issue will hell bring any reservations to light and may quell the feeling.

Dryjuice25 · 20/02/2013 14:30

You are not ready to move in with him if you feel like this.

You probably need more than a year to really be 100% this is what you want. It can be really difficult to really know another person though even after years together.

What's your relationship past like? Do you have trust issues? You might just need time to be on your own instead of plunging in right now. Who suggested moving in so soon?

Trust your gut/instinct. If you feel something isn't quite right, it usually isn't. You need more time to investigate these feelings.

Good Luck

Dahlen · 20/02/2013 14:43

When you say he says some odd things, what do you mean? Can you give some examples?

kalidanger · 20/02/2013 14:53

What sort of odd things? Is he testing your reactions? Pushing you?

EyePlunge · 20/02/2013 14:57

Well for example we're supposed to be buying a house together in a few months yet he'll say stuff like "I'll have to see about getting that TV fitted to your bedroom wall" or "I'll get you a fence sorted for your back garden" - what's the point if we're moving in a few months??

Or he'll say "Oh yeah that kid went right off the rails, he had a hard time though, parents divorcing and all that" (he's obsessed with his divorce and the effect it has or hasn't had on his kids but goes on about it constantly).

Or he'll say something like "is it a bit too early for us to be pushing the kids to spend time together?" when I suggested we take mine and his eldest to see a band we both want to see - how can it be too early for that yet not too early to be moving in together???

OP posts:

oldwomaninashoe · 20/02/2013 14:59

I don't think he quite sees you as a couple!

LittleEdie · 20/02/2013 15:00

He's sending mixed signals. You are right to want to put the breaks on a little.

kalidanger · 20/02/2013 15:04

Are you starting the process of buying a house in a few months (looking on rightmove, thinking about mortgage companies etc) or are you exchanging contracts in a few months? If it's the former, has this been going on for a while? Does he decide it's time to start looking then nothing happens then he 'decides' again?

Dahlen · 20/02/2013 15:05

None of that sounds particularly untoward TBH.

If you're not going to start the process of buying a house until a few months' time, you wouldn't be moving into it realistically for at least 6 months at the earliest, and that's assuming you find somewhere straight away and have a speedy, unproblematic, chain-free purchase. It would be worth having the TV or fence for that time period IMO.

It's natural for him to be worried about the effect of divorce on his DC, but going on about it constantly is probably a warning sign. Is it constant, though? Or is it something that you don't like hearing about so feels constant?

Most people with children are very careful about introducing new partners and siblings, but I agree it's a bit odd if you're planning to be living together soon anyway.

What I suspect is going on here is that his 'few months' is more like 11-12 in his eyes, and more like 2-3 in yours. Have you defined the time frame explicitly?

kalidanger · 20/02/2013 15:05

"I'll get you a fence sorted for your back garden"

But, also, the fence probably needs to be fixed to make the garden look as good as possible to sell the house....

amillionyears · 20/02/2013 15:08

Whose idea was it to move in together?

amillionyears · 20/02/2013 15:08

Does he blow hot and cold on things?

Springdiva · 20/02/2013 15:15

I think you can learn alot by how people are with other people (and their pets come to that).

How is he with his siblings and rellies - relaxed? loving? putting on a front?

How do colleagues react to him - a bit guarded?

TheSilveryPussycat · 20/02/2013 15:26

And what about finances? He's not mean with money, is he? or any other money related quirk?

EyePlunge · 20/02/2013 15:51

Kali that's exactly what he's like. He'll mention it, nothing happens, I forget about it and he brings it up again. Nothing happens, I forget about it and he brings it up again. It's been going on about 4 months. The other night we were looking on right move, saw a house we both loved and he said he will recheck his finances to see if there is any chance we could jump on it earlier than planned ..... And then nothing. I just never know where I am with him and it feels like its always me left bringing these things up which in turn makes me look like a nag when all I want is some communication

OP posts:

Dahlen · 20/02/2013 16:43

In that case I think you spell it out, put a time frame and plan on it, and if it hasn't happened take that as your sign and call it off. Life's too short to be messed about by a partner who's only been in your life for a comparatively short time. Sorry.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/02/2013 16:44

Have you posted about this person before? Regardless.... if you're not totally sure about someone's motives or behaviour, don't take it to the next step. If anything, step away from their influence, do other things for a while and give yourself some space. Some people are habit-forming and can ingratiate themselves into your life with easy charm. If you're wondering 'how did we get here?'... that may be what's happening.

VBisme · 20/02/2013 16:59

He's playing games with you. I'd suggest that you just tell him you aren't interested in moving in right now.

kalidanger · 20/02/2013 17:00

Have you posted about this person before?

It sounds verrrrrry similar to someone who posted recently... She wanted jam today, not the empty promise of jam tomorrow.

CharlotteCollinsislost · 20/02/2013 21:56

So you want to know if something in his behaviour is warning you off, but you can't quite put your finger on what? Have you looked at the Red Flags threads? Oh, and here's a great list to guide your thinking - well worth a read-through. If only I'd read it years ago...

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akaWisey · 22/02/2013 12:51

No kali that was me.

And I went with my gut feeling.

amillionyears · 22/02/2013 13:17

I agree. Does sound like another thread.
Anyone want to post a link?

TheNorthWitch · 22/02/2013 22:14

You are not totally sure about him so the fact that he is dragging his heels about moving in together is a very good thing - welcome it. Tell him you'd like to slow things down a bit and then really pay attention to what your instincts are telling you. A nagging voice is telling you to BE CAREFUL THERE listen to it.

Are you in a hurry to move in together? If so - why? Are you you keen to override concerns that you have?

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