Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

teenage dd - out of my depth

(39 Posts)
schooldays Mon 18-Feb-13 18:05:16

have tears in my eyes - feel totally out of my depth with my dd. shes 14 and has turned into a complete brat. i cant get her to do anything i ask. no matter what i ask or how small a task she has a default answer of 'no mam'. she argues back constantly, either that or shes in her room on the internet.
i lost about two hours sleep last nite due to her phone vibrating i had to get up to her 3 times to ask her to turn it off. its like she is a walking zombie. never apologises for anythign. i literally couldnt get her out of bed until 5pm on sat - she just refused and in fairness seemed so tired.

so anyway just now i told her she was to leave her phone out of her room by 9pm on a weeknight and no internet access after 9pm. she lost the head and started shouting i hate you (the ususal teenage stuff) when she said i am going to bang this door and i dont give a shit. she was literally roaring at me. so she started banging the door over and over then nearly took the stair down with the stomping and then banged her bedroom door.

havent seen her since and haven't a clue how to deal with this. instinct is telling me to take her phone, laptop, tv. is this enough or too much.

Help!!! this is literally driving me mental - feel i am not able to cope with her anymore

I had mine tied down tighter than a drum with parental controls on the web. I would physically remove the router when I went to bed.I refused point blank to get internet enabled phones, they are older and have them now,so just take Dd1's off her when shes being particularly tough. Every Pc and tablet in the house is password protected so if I take the phone she still cant get on line.

It doesnt stop her being a total witch.We just remove EVERYTHING and she goes quiet for a few weeks till we give it back,cue couple weeks of being ok, then me taking it all away again ( never had this with her older brothers) Shell learn respect/grow up eventually I hope

No phone= end of universe/social suicide

Montpellier Tue 19-Feb-13 23:41:36

I also know I never want be a garbage collector. Some decisions we make early on in our lives.

izzyizin Tue 19-Feb-13 23:37:04

Last time I checked gay is no bar to motherhood and, by my reckoning, you've got c30 years to choose not to be childless, Mont.

Montpellier Tue 19-Feb-13 23:18:12

I am childless by choice and gay. No worries.

izzyizin Tue 19-Feb-13 23:11:48

Put it this way, fiventhree, when it comes to my next incarnation I've made a note to avoid Montpellier's womb wink

Montpellier Tue 19-Feb-13 23:10:29

18:52:50

amillionyears Tue 19-Feb-13 22:59:25

Which comment fiventhree?

fiventhree Tue 19-Feb-13 22:42:50

That comment wasnt necessary, amillionyears.

My daughter was very tricky over a year ago, and I got in a very slow start. I could have kicked myself when I finally cracked down, that I hadnt started eralier, because she sorted herself out sharpish after that.

The strategy included pointing out that it was me paying for the phone etc, and that I was simply going to stop. I did, and pocket money too, when she kicked off later.

The thing is, phones etc are privileges. If she wont accept fair boundaries, with draw relevant privileges.

The number one rule is to mean it. They always always test for weakness and resolve, and only stop after they have established that you will go through it.

It is the same with boundaries for everyone, not just kids. If you dont let them treat you like crap, they wont expect to be able to.

Montpellier Tue 19-Feb-13 22:28:56

Maybe you should do what this guy did.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=kl1ujzRidmU

Montpellier Tue 19-Feb-13 22:23:46

yesss amillionyears, apparently my opinions were "too strong" for that thread. I guess the truth hurts. But I digress.

Maybe op should send dd to a summer bootcamp. Someone yelling in her face every day and making her do a bunch of shitty jobs without pay might make her suddenly more pleasant to be around. I know it might be extreme but whatever does the trick eh. smile

Dozer Tue 19-Feb-13 20:15:42

There is a campaign called get safe online, and another one to help parents be alert to cyberbullying and help DC too.

PhieEl06 Tue 19-Feb-13 19:12:15

Just wanted to post as a former bratty 14 year old, i'm 18 now & I will readily admit I was a horrible horrible teenager from about 13-16. Just wanted to let you know it doesn't last forever & regardless she still loves you no matter how she acts or what she says. What worked best for my mom was giving me responsibility, she gave me things I needed to be responsible for & didn't let up, if I did them properly & frequently I got rewards, (god this sounds like I was a dog) for example I had to make dinner for the family 1 night a week, I could have her help if I wanted/needed it but I was responsible for it, I didn't make it she didn't make me any dinner the next night, harsh but it worked, do it frequently enough & we'd go out for a meal the two of us on a weekend every now & again. Internet went off at 9pm every night, I kicked off at first but once I accepted it on weekends I got it back till midnight. Little gestures make all the difference. & try to talk to her about life in general, don't pry but make sure she knows your there & have an interest, it could turn out she's stroppy because someone (friend, boy, random person) has upset her, let her know that if she ever wants to talk your there.

& if it helps, it really does get better, my mom is my best friend now, we're really close & we look back at the "brat years" & laugh at each other.

HTH's

comingintomyown Tue 19-Feb-13 18:58:52

I could post War and Peace but in a nutshell I realised about 8 months ago that my DD and I were at each others throat the whole time and actually my behaviour left a lot to be desired too.

I decided as the adult I would need to break the cycle in our relationship and do things differently. Mostly this has been to listen, chat to her, see things from her point of view and not always assume the worst and speak to /treat her accordingly. It wasnt easy at first but its an utter transformation and life is sooo much nicer for us both

Have to say am in awe of those taking the door off the hinges - genius !

amillionyears Tue 19-Feb-13 18:52:50

You are only 21!
I saw some of your posts from yesterday.
Thought you might have be banned actually.

Montpellier Tue 19-Feb-13 18:24:56

Absolutely take away anything that gives comfort to her life, if she treats you so horridly. You housed her, fed and raised her, she should be grateful you don't kick her out. The snotty brat! And don't cook her meals either you are not her servant.

It also seems to me she's addicted to entertainment and the sooner you break the addiction the better. She should only be focusing on her schoolwork. She'll thank you later.

This coming from a childless 21 year old woman who was once a former brat. blush

izzyizin Tue 19-Feb-13 17:29:51

The scourge of cyberbullying is a recent phenomena which causes untold misery to thousands of victims who become increasingly distressed and/or are unable to defend themselves in the face of an onslaught hateful and hurtful messages from so-called friends and strangers alike.

The truly frightening aspect of cyberbullying is that many parents have absolutely no idea it's happening to their children until it's too late.
.
Bugger pussyfooting around for fear of transgressing the supposed rights of our children to a certain degree of privacy in which to engage in virtual social interaction.

It's incumbent on all of us to police our dcs' use of the net and, where it rears its ugly head, flush cyberbullying out in the open and call it what it is, which is sheer bloodyminded nastiness on the part of bullying cowards and other lowlife who hide behind the relative anonymity of the worldwide web angry

amillionyears Tue 19-Feb-13 17:21:10

As regards the door,I would expect her to pay if she does any damage around the house. And make sure she knows that that is what is expected.

And yes having read your latest post, put parental controls on. Mine still have them ( though DS1 is a whizz on the pc and i am sure he turns his off)

I took my dd bedroom door off, it took her 2 months to earn it back but she hasn't slammed a door since.

DS1 is also on a technology ban atm no xbox or laptop and he has magically turned into an almost human being. Makes me wonder if i should just get rid of all gadgets for good.

All 3 only have basic phones ( though moan about a lack of blackberry) but at 12, 13 and 15 i don't think they really need one.

She will improve i have started to see small improvements in all of mine. Its not a nice age

plinkyplonks Tue 19-Feb-13 16:48:23

I would tread carefully here - as privacy is a big thing for a 14 year old.

It's definitely worth a weekend away somewhere or even just an afternoon away with just you and her - no mobiles, internet or anything, where she feels she has the space to tell you what is bothering her. I think if you tell her in the house she will feel you are snooping on her and may try and hide things more for you.

If you are getting to the point of being extremely concerned, and you can see that it's starting to have a big influence on her behaviour, then in a neutral setting i would ask her about it.

I can still remember my thought processes and various arguments with my parents from when I was 14. She is probably more grown up than you know, but still vulnerable without the life experience to put those horrible comments in context. It's fuzzy line between giving her enough space and privacy to come to you as an adult with her problems and feelings, and the role as a parent to help protect her and guide her through the big changes in her life.

Best of luck smile

izzyizin Tue 19-Feb-13 16:33:49

If you see cyberbullying anytime, anywhere, PLEASE bring it to the attention of the relevant authorites such as the site owner/host and the police as it has contributed to the deaths by suicide of numerous youngsters.

In the case of your dd's friend, I would suggest you talk to your dd about the unacceptable content of these entirely unwarranted messages and alert the girl's dps and/or her school.

I would also suggest you search to see if your dd has posted a profile on the same or similar social networking site and check out what messages she's received/is receiving.

Lemonylemon Tue 19-Feb-13 16:09:43

You need to put parental controls on her laptop if you haven't already. Look in the internet history. I'll bet that website is IMVU or Facebook..... They both seem to be really popular.

My DS is 15, nearly 16 and has been a right pain for the past 3 years. It will pass.

schooldays Tue 19-Feb-13 15:43:04

thanks for all the replies .

she is my first so totally new to this.

after she stormed up to her room banging doors etc i didnt go near her for about an hour and a half. i needed to calm down first. if i had gone after her i would have lost the head and taken all her stuff and i dont want to frighten her with my anger. (ps i would be known for being very calm but she really manages to push my buttons)

anyway eventualy i went up and took the laptop i asked her for her phone but she refused to give it to me. she literally lay on it and unless i was goin to use force there was no way she would give it. so again i stayed calm and told her if that is the way she wants it thats fine and i walked out. went back in an hour later and she handed me the phone and said she was sorry. she seemed really vulnerable and upset, so i said i accept her apology but i wont put up with that behaviour that i lover her and always have her back and am here to discuss anything she needs to etc etc -but i have my boundaries and she crossed them. so i said i would think about the phone and laptop and we woud talk about it today.

so i think i wil let her have her phone and use the laptop until 9pm but i want both left out on landing by that time.

anyway, i looked up the history on the laptop and saw a link to a particular chat room that allows people to post anoyn. it was her friends profile (is that what you would call it?). anyway to say i was shocked is an understatement. the poor girl (my dd's friend) has all these messages to her saying she looks ridiculous, is a lesbian, and then others saying shes shes gorgeous and a beautiful person, and others still saying this lad is a pr*ck etc etc. - dont think my dd is on this site but jesus i was shocked that this is what she is reading and this is what teenage girls speak like. any wonder they are all so angry and conflicted if this is what they are being surrounded by/involved in.

Take the door, she can dress/undress in the bathroom. I'd also confiscate the phone and laptop each night and if she doesn't improve her behavior, remove them for the day or week or whatever is appropriate. I went shopping with the X-box controllers in my car grin works like a charm.

ImperialBlether That is so funny that she didn't realize what she had said.

ImperialBlether Mon 18-Feb-13 23:59:38

I remember yelling at my daughter, "I hope when you grow up you have a daughter just like you" and she screamed, "That's not very nice!" before realising what she'd said.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now