Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Porn, should I be concerned?

(93 Posts)
Jamandcheese Mon 18-Feb-13 05:06:41

So, I've found out today that DH watches porn when I'm in bed. We have two DC under two so I get tires early an by 9.30 need my bed.

I know men watch porn. But the thing is we don't have sex anymore. Maybe once or twice evey two months. It use to be twice or three times a week. I'm concerned about the lack of sex and have tried to bring it up with DH but it always turns into a row.

DH had a one night stand over a year ago which we have worked through. On some days it's good, but the days that the reminders come up, it's crap.

Should I be worried that we don't have sex anymore but he gets his jolly with porn instead?

Sounds like he is taking you for a mug OP, I'm sorry sad

The only way he is going to get his act together is for you to leave. Lay it on the line and simply tell him that you've had enough, he isn't making you happy and you would rather seek your happiness elsewhere. Whether or not it's true is something else - he just needs a kick up the arse!

badinage Sun 03-Mar-13 12:02:55

This couldn't have turned out any other way could it?

Stop flogging a dead horse. This bloke is never going to get it AT ALL.

You will always be unhappy and depressed while you're with him. And you don't have to be.

ThePinkOcelot Sat 02-Mar-13 21:29:37

He turned it around to the jobs that you haven't been doing?! He's not prepared to take any responsibility at all is he?! Not sure what to suggest now tbh. You are banging your head against a brick wall! (((()))) xx

Jamandcheese Sat 02-Mar-13 20:38:10

So, I spoke to DH. I told him how my depression has effected me. How I feel like I don't care about myself, the comfort eating and just having lost any motivation. It was my way of reaching out.

His response was, this is something we should be concerned about. I thought finally,he gets it, he will help me. The concern was that I wasn't doing the jobs that I should be doing, that I've said I've done and I haven't. That he can't trust me to do things.

He talked for 20 minutes about this. Not once, did he show concern for me. Give me reassurance or support. When I got angry, he said that I should have understood that he was concerned as well. Yeah I really got that

badinage Fri 22-Feb-13 17:59:57

Selfish entitled men in happy and fulfilling relationships most certainly do go 'shagging around' and I think saying otherwise is just victim-blaming, because there's an implication that if the OP had made this bloke 'happy and fulfilled' he wouldn't have had a ONS or preferred porn to sex with her. The OP on the other hand is far from 'happy and fulfilled' but she isn't touting for one-night stands, having an affair despite the lack of sex, or getting her rocks off each night to porn. That's because she's a different person, has different values and knows that behaving like that would be cruel and hurtful to a partner.

You are not being unreasonable OP.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Fri 22-Feb-13 17:47:31

Okay, I've just read the entire thread.

I'm not going to comment on the porn use as I don't think it's relevant and it's more of a side issue.

The main problem here is that your partner had a ONS which left you feeling crappy and smashed your self-esteem to bits. You said yourself that you just 'muddled' through the aftermath, which probably means you had blazing rows, made up eventually and forgave him. I don't think you ever dealt with the issue properly which has led both of you to where you are now.

You resent him because he had sex with another woman. You probably don't know why he did that and if he is going to do it again. It's probably sent you into paranoid city about what he's doing, who he's with and if you can ever be secure in your relationship again.

You've said you don't reject sex but he is probably actutely aware that he royally screwed up and doesn't know how to act around you. I'm not saying that he's being fair or reasonable in what he's doing, just that he's probably feeling quite uncertain too.

My advice would be to really sit and talk about the ONS. Why he did that, his reasons, etc. (Men in happy, fulfilling relationships generally don't go shagging around). You need to be completely honest with each other and really try and work out the roots of the problems your having.

A man who really cares for you and about the relationship will want to work on your issues to try to fix them. He won't yell at you or make you feel bad for bringing it up as he will understand that it needs sorting out.

If he says no or yells at you then kick him to the curb (easier said than done, I know). You are feeling unhappy and unfulfilled in your relationship, attempt to fix it and if that doesn't work then there is nothing left to do other than leave.

Everyone deserves to be happy.

ChairmanWow Thu 21-Feb-13 10:09:04

Please don't keep blaming yourself. Loom at what he said to you - he is still being selfish! Re the sex thing, you can only have sex at 11pm? What? Sounds like he's transferring all the blame on to you for wanting to go to bed at a different time to him.

Also look at what he has said about how you are feeling...

He said he can't help the way that I feel about myself. Of course he isn't happy to hear that I'm unhappy. But I need to change that. Only then our relationship would get better.

You feel how you do at least in part because of his behaviour. By putting pressure on you to change and saying the relationship won't improve until you do he is absolving himself of any responsibilities.

I don't want to say anything about leaving him on the basis of a thread, but would you think about going to Relate to try and get him to try and participate in the relationship. Or if he won't what about you having some therapy and/or assertiveness training to try and improve your self-esteem?

Sorry to be negative about your OH but it's impossible to see him in a good light.

AnyFucker Thu 21-Feb-13 07:40:09

He's got a very inflated sense of his own importance, hasn't he ?

You need to get over his ONS, and stop being so miserable and down on yourself

Ok

That'll work then. Or did I miss the bit about where he is making an effort to help you with those things ? What does "try harder" mean ? I would be looking for very much more concrete things...words are cheap. Especially the vague "try harder" crap which doesn't allow you to focus on anything objective or remotely measurable. Unless you can count any more cups of tea he might make you.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 21-Feb-13 07:29:37

Blimey - so he will "try" harder?

So you have to do the work to get over the ONS? Pretend it never happened? Sweep things under the carpet? Work on yourself instead of HIM working on his own issues and character failings?

HE is the one who needs to be investing in the relationship and coming up with ways of making you feel loved and desired - instead he is having his own sex life away from you and saying its you who is the one in the wrong.

No wonder you don't want sex with him.

So you need to change. You need to get over his ons. You need to stop being tired. You need to stop snooping. He, on the other hand, is just fine and dandy although he might deign to 'try to work harder'.

You are not being unreasonable. He is. This is not the attitude of a man who loves, respects and cares for his wife's well being.

Jamandcheese Thu 21-Feb-13 04:24:01

So I spoke to him today. God, what an awkward conversation.

The upside is that he said he would not use porn and try to work harder on the relationship.

But he thought his use of porn was a personal private thing and that I shouldn't have been snooping. I told him that i wasn't. I had asked him before I used his phone.

In the point of us no longer having sex, he said I was always too tired and did I want him to wake me up at 11pm? And that after his ONS he doesn't know where he stands with me. I do sometimes feel resentful to him, I do. But it's a consequence of his ONS.

He said he can't help the way that I feel about myself. Of course he isn't happy to hear that I'm unhappy. But I need to change that. Only then our relationship would get better.

I don't know. Maybe I am being unreasonable.

AnyFucker Wed 20-Feb-13 20:47:22

I don't recommend you keep flogging a dead horse, OP

I recommend you throw this loser back into the tank where he can swarm with his own kind

And you find yourself a real man

Yep. The op writes, 'I have tried to bring it up with DH but it always turns into a row.'

Op, I would suggest bringing it up, gently, once again with your DH. Tell him how you feel. His response will tell you everything about what kind of man he is and how much he respects/cares about you and your happiness.

I dont doubt that you deserve much much better than him.

PurityBrown Wed 20-Feb-13 20:33:29

SHE HAS TRIED!

(sorry for capslock but I feel the need to shout)

Her DH rejects her advances in favour of Redtube and a box of kleenex.
<loses will to live, what with the porn apologists and the folk who need to RTFT>

Twattergy Wed 20-Feb-13 19:37:40

OP no one has asked you if you would like to be having more sex? Like you I get very tired and go to bed early most nights,I know this reduces opportunities for sex. Being tired means its hard to prioritise sex, it doesn't necessarily mean you don't want physical contact. I am not excusing your dh's ons or porn use.however if you would like to have more sex, for your self, then you need to find ways to make it happen despite your tiredness. It could be making sure that dh comes up with you for an 'early night'sometimes so that you make it clear you would like sex but not a late night. I'm not suggesting this as a way to pander to pressure from your husband but more as a way for you to get what you might need/want. If however you just don't want sex at all or very rarely at the moment then your husband needs to respect that and at the very least show understanding.

AnyFucker Wed 20-Feb-13 17:23:30

OP, there is nothing wrong with you, but there is something wrong with your partner

Your relationship is suffering because he has one night stand(s) and then rather than do everything in his power to convince you he is worth giving a second chance to, he makes you feel like shit by using porn instead of working on bolstering your flagging sex life

Your sex life is flagging because he uses porn instead of nurturing his wife

There is a connection between excessive porn use and infidelity. This man is a living example of that. Somewhere along the line (possibly after you agreed to overlook his ONS) he lost respect for you and now he doesn't give a shit how you feel

Long term, your future is not with this man. Best to cut loose before your self respect gets further decimated

ChairmanWow Wed 20-Feb-13 15:56:28

Krimbles, please, please fuck off. You are being breathtakingly insensitive. You might get a kick out of trolling but please show some consideration for the OP and take your bullshit elsewhere.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 20-Feb-13 15:21:56

OP, I am not surprised you are not getting the reassurance you need from him. I don't think you are getting much love or respect from him either. sad

As for your weight, I bet he is not in perfect physical shape either hmm

If he was really sorry about the ONS and wanted to commit himself to the marriage, he would be doing everything he could - instead he is wanking off to porn and being a selfish twat.

badinage Wed 20-Feb-13 14:58:40

Utimately you have to decide whether you are worth more than a relationship with no sex, fidelity or trust. I'm sure you are.

Jamandcheese Wed 20-Feb-13 14:37:02

My worry is that we don't have sex. He would rather use porn. The porn feels like a replacement of me. He gets what he wants/needs from that.

Yes, I have put on weight and am a very jiggly version of me. But after his ONS which the details are awful, I need lots of reassurance. But I don't get that from him.

I worry about our relationship. Krimbles, it's not clear cut as we are in a happy relationship, great sex life And my husband occasionally uses porn

maras2 Wed 20-Feb-13 14:23:41

Arf AF.Seriously OP my DH.doesn't use porn nor do any of my many male friends.They have far too much respect for women.

AnyFucker Wed 20-Feb-13 14:11:27

maras, I'll have 2 sugars please and a digestive bikky

it's a bit nippy here in Coventry

and all the men are shit in bed...I think they are all porn users

morethanpotatoprints Wed 20-Feb-13 14:05:59

Taking the porn completely out of the equation here.

The fact they don't have a sex life, the fact that he had a ons is the main issue.
OP you need to talk to him and find out where you stand. He obviously loves you or he wouldn't be with you. Sometimes men are just happy drifting along and you need to give them a push into action. Tell him its bad enough anyway without him neglecting you for the porn.

BTW. Personally I don't think theres anything wrong with the use of porn in a sound rlatioship.

maras2 Wed 20-Feb-13 14:05:36

I'm in Coventry AF.I'll put the kettle on.smile

lockets Wed 20-Feb-13 14:02:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now