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Porn, should I be concerned?

(93 Posts)
Jamandcheese Mon 18-Feb-13 05:06:41

So, I've found out today that DH watches porn when I'm in bed. We have two DC under two so I get tires early an by 9.30 need my bed.

I know men watch porn. But the thing is we don't have sex anymore. Maybe once or twice evey two months. It use to be twice or three times a week. I'm concerned about the lack of sex and have tried to bring it up with DH but it always turns into a row.

DH had a one night stand over a year ago which we have worked through. On some days it's good, but the days that the reminders come up, it's crap.

Should I be worried that we don't have sex anymore but he gets his jolly with porn instead?

Buzzardbird Mon 18-Feb-13 05:58:16

Er yes imho. His porn is being used instead of a physical relationship with you, not as well as.
Time for counselling do you think? Or did you already do that after he slept with someone else?
The red flags are adding up a bit aren't they?

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 18-Feb-13 08:52:01

He is getting his sexual kicks outside of the marriage via ONS and porn. Not good especially since there is a strong link between porn and infidelity sad

Re the ONS, how did he work through it? what sort of things did he do to help you and the marriage recover?

Also, not all men use porn and you are entitled to your views and feelings about porn.

NaturalBlondeYeahRight Mon 18-Feb-13 09:02:18

Not quite the same but when we had dd1 we didn't have sex for about 5 months, DH started getting his jollies in same way as yours, I felt rejected - vicious circle. Finally had it out and turned out he thought he didn't want to bother me with tiny baby and didn't know I felt that way, he didn't want to get pushed away. Was all ok after that, I'm personally not bothered by porn.
Yours is a bit different in that you have dtd, who initiated those times? If him, did you huff a bit but get on with it? That's kind of ego deflating.
If I'm wrong, and you are keen but he's not responding then I would be concerned. Have you tried different times of day, I was the same in that wilting until 9.30 was hopeless with 2 small children.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Feb-13 10:13:55

You should be worried about anything that is taking the place of the two of you having a normal, loving, physical relationship. He's already had a one-night stand for which he's been forgiven (?)... even though he's now engaging in activity that really does nothing to encourage you to trust him. That is not the behaviour of a man who thinks he did anything wrong. So he's rubbing your nose in it and it's only a matter of time, I would say, before he gets fed up with the porn and goes out looking for the real McCoy again.

He is taking the piss...

ecclesvet Mon 18-Feb-13 10:43:40

What does he say when you initiate sex? Do you initiate it?

Buzzardbird Mon 18-Feb-13 10:50:42

Sometimes Cogito I think we were seperated at birth. grin

Jamandcheese Mon 18-Feb-13 14:32:42

I do try to initiate sex but it never seems to be the right timehmm. So now I've stopped trying.

In aftermath of his one night stand, which there are details that made everyone on mumsnet to tell me to leave him, I started to take antidepressants as I couldn't cope. And I've put on weight. About 30 pounds. I just have stopped caring about myself.

When I found out yesterday, it was because I saw his phone history was deleted. I jokingly asked him if he's been watching porn. He was very honest and said yes, and said it was because I'm asleep everyday by 9.30. So he needs to apparently.

We didn't have counselling after his ONS. We just muddled our way through it.

I don't know what to do. The porn seems to be a replacement of us having sex.

What should i do?

Buzzardbird Mon 18-Feb-13 14:56:04

Why are you the one doing all the running and worrying?

I don't know how you could bear to be anywhere near him tbh. I could not tolerate the ONS let alone the porn. He has no respect for you or any woman really has he?

He sounds vile. Sorry. This is probably not what you want to hear but I think there are a billion other more deserving men that would cut off their right arm to be with you.

I wish you well thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Feb-13 15:03:18

Do you have anyone IRL that you can talk to? You sound very much as though you've been trying to deal with everything single-handed from taking care of the children to 'managing' this man who, frankly, is pissing on you and telling you it's raining. As a result of all this muddling through your self-esteem is on the floor, and you're so depressed and exhausted by the stress that you're even wondering if his warped view of the world - sleeping with other women or saying it's normal to perve over them on a smartphone - as reasonable. He's behaving appallingly and yet the only person suffering is you.

So who have you told about any of this besides MN?

Well, at least he was honest with you when confronted - take that as a plus.

My DH is only allowed to watch porn when I'm not around - the way I see it is, I should always be first choice and porn an alternative if I'm unavailable. It works for us, and for as long as our sex lives aren't suffering, I'm happy with it.

However as its when you are in the house and your sex life is lacking because of it, maybe you should tell him that it upsets you. Because from your point if view it must seem like he prefers that to you.

Be honest, and hopefully the two of you will reach a satisfactory conclusion. Good luck.

Buzzardbird Mon 18-Feb-13 15:13:49

He wasn't necessarily telling the truth though, he might have just been saying what would get him into least trouble.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Feb-13 15:21:42

To me, it's the fact that he's telling the truth that is so bad. He feels perfectly happy saying 'yes I'm watching porn because you go to bed too early and I still need to get my rocks off.... and btw it's normal' because he knows there are no consequences to that. hmm It's a 'so what?' response.... no respect for the OP whatsoever.

badinage Mon 18-Feb-13 15:32:08

What should you do?

Stop thinking that all men watch porn for starters and start realising that you're entitled to a sex life, a relationship with a man who doesn't cheat, a man who pulls his weight so that you aren't exhausted every night and a man who doesn't substitute you with 'others' all the time. Oh and a man who doesn't 'row' with you every time you raise an issue.

Start seeing the truth about your situation and the wider world. There are men who don't use porn, who prefer sex with a real-life partner and who aren't unfaithful. In the meantime, being a single co-parent is better than life with a man who denies you a sex life.

Jamandcheese Mon 18-Feb-13 17:52:53

Thanks for your messages. I feel so confused and lost. I feel like we are lurching from one issue to another.

We have had a few years now of having major trust issues. There is no one in RL who knows the problems we have had. I am so embarrassed about them. So I can't tell anyone.

It makes me feel like less of a woman. It makes me feel Unattractive. Even when I'm tired I've never said no to having sex with him. So his excuse doesn't really wash with me. Maybe the weight gain has something to do with it.

I sometimes wish he would really realise what he has put me through. He says he does, but I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if I have done something to cause this?

Buzzardbird Mon 18-Feb-13 18:12:08

Jam why do you see it all as your fault? He is the one who has faulty morals. Your self-esteem must be at rock bottom.

He is a dick. End of.

Read what people are saying to you.

badinage Mon 18-Feb-13 18:34:49

I can understand you feeling lost, but there's really no confusion about this situation. There's just no positive spin on this or happy ending.

This is not your shame. It's his. Stop blaming yourself or thinking that you could have done anything to prevent this happening to you.

Once you get out of this relationship and can see the wood for the trees, I bet there'll be no need for anti-depressants or excess food intake which is another type of medication you've been using to stay in the relationship.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 19:13:55

I hate this man

That is all

LostAndScared Mon 18-Feb-13 19:23:28

its horrible when you catch someone out watching porn, my other halp has been doing so behind my back and i came home from work a few days ago to find about 40 porn dvd,s and 5 porn magazines lying on the floor and when i confronted him all he said was so what all guys do it and what do you expect i am a man! i felt so crushed i have had no support from him since unfortunately miscarrying our baby 5 weeks ago, i was already feeling vulnerable but this is a kick in the facegrin(
xx

men watch porn . only men with problems, in my opinion, watch & need porn. I can't see your situation improving around this person.

NcNcNcNc Mon 18-Feb-13 19:31:33

Not all men watch porn, poppet. Don't let him normalise this to you or make it to be your fault.

Most men who aren't 'getting it' hmm that I know, would just understand that tiny baby/young dc/illness/tiredness/whatever = a period of no sex and that's that. Have a wank if they want fine, but no need to turn to ONS/porn. How is that ever going to help?

If you want to stay in the relationship perhaps try counselling?

I would also say try to exercise, perhaps lose the weight, NOT for him or any other man but because it might make you feel more you again and leave you stronger. Hopefully strong enough to kick this loser into touch smile

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 18-Feb-13 19:33:24

Inadequate losers watch porn IMO.

Actions speak louder than words and he is showing you that he does not care about what you have been put through as a result of his shitty cheating behaviour sad

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Mon 18-Feb-13 19:41:41

Used to be in the " porn ok, as long as no-one frightens the horses" camp. Now, not so much. The more I read, and speak to friends, the less inclined I am to engage with it.

But porn not the problem here. Attitude, and lack of respect ( monumental lack of respect BTW) Is.

DH should be frantically bolstering your self esteem at this point in your lives, not taking your legs out from under you.

Selfish.sad

NcNcNcNc Mon 18-Feb-13 19:42:01

LostandScared - jesus sad Im so sorry for your loss, and so sorry that your 'OH' is a tosser sad angry

LittleButton Mon 18-Feb-13 19:58:27

NcNcNcNc

thanks, i would like to say its getting easier but its not, i cant even believe his excuses, then he says people deal with things differently, wellsorry but as far as i am concerned he isn't bothered he just cares about himself
x

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