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Help! How to bring this up with H? Horrible dodgy site on internet history..

(105 Posts)
ThatsNotMySock Sun 17-Feb-13 23:36:48

Feel a bit sick. Made this thread earlier on,

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1686732-Quick-Facebook-related-Q

Something prompted me a look at his browser history (I know I know sad I feel horrible about it, and wish I hadn't) 99% is absolutely normal everyday things, and I was feeling like a total shit for looking, then came across a site that was... just horrible. I don't want to go into too much detail in case he finds this thread, it was not exactly porn but related and very shocking.

Further digging revealed he had clicked on a link from another site (a kind of reader for blogs, but subject matter a bit unusual/a bit of v light porn/odd stories etc) The title of the link made it very very clear what he would see and he still clicked it.

I can't imagine what he was thinking. He rarely uses porn (or rarely leaves it for me to find) and this seems totally out of character.

I have no idea how to approach it with him. He will be angry if he knows I have looked, and if I bring it up. But I can't pretend I didn't see this. If if was just "regular" porn (ick, hate saying that) I was be pissed off but probably leave it. This.. I don't know what to do. Sorry not to be more precise, he knows I use this site so trying to be a bit careful.

How can I raise this? Should I raise it, or leave it despite the subject matter? Atm, I have left the offending (offensive, actually) pages open on pc for him to see if he looks, but he's sleeping on and off upstairs. He may be down soon and I have no idea what to do sad Please help!

ThatsNotMySock Tue 19-Feb-13 23:19:17

dondon Thank you! It's strangely reassuring to know I can use that info if I have to.

five "tying myself up in knots trying to explain myself in different ways, when he was just trying to get me to STFU" This is every, every fight we have ever had sad I ordered the Patricia Evans book as soon as I read that sentence. I've also checked out some links on verbal abuse and there's a lot there that looks familiar.

He actually apologised properly last night, we've worked out between us that what he looked at was horrible and misguided, he really regrets it and thinks a lot less of himself. I've told him that while I believe him about that, I am so exhausted of being insulted, told to shut up, ignored, walked out on etc every time he's angry or I raise something he doesn't want to think about. He's not often angry btw, but when he is it's always the same pattern. He doesn't know why he does it, but wants to change. I did a bit of research and passed him the bonus material from "Should I stay or should I go", as some of it seemed pretty appropriate. Hopefully it will make sense to him, and help him stop doing this.

I just feel a bit switched off at the moment, and not sure what I want.
Thanks for listening everyone, you have all calmed me down and given me some good perspectives x

DialsMavis Tue 19-Feb-13 11:07:13

Ah ok thanks, was just asking for a friend obviously

fiventhree Tue 19-Feb-13 11:05:25

Sock the book I mentioned yesterday is the Verbally abusive relationship- how to recognise it and how to respond, by Patricia Evans. You will recognise some of his tricks in it (some wont fit him) but crucially it will explain what is actually going on with him when he shuts you down and exactly how to put a stop to it .

The foreword of the book says every older teenage girl should read it, and I agree.

It worked fairly well for me, as it enabled me to stop tying myself up in knots trying to explain myself in different ways, when he was just trying to get me to STFU.

dondon33 Tue 19-Feb-13 10:33:40

Dials I have no experience with a Mac, I've had a quick look and the best info I can find is -

>Open terminal (I have no clue how it looks nor how to do)
>Type the following -
>dscacheutil -cachedump -entries Host

or

>lookupd -cachedump -entries Host

Apparently it will only show info from the last day and not like windows, which will show since the computer was last switched off.

nellyjelly Tue 19-Feb-13 07:33:11

The trouble is that the internet makes everything so easy. Before the internet anyone who sought porn or other dodgy 'thrills' either had to use their imagination or buy magazines and books. Far more difficult to hide.

So now, you might see a link and click on it, against your better instincts, or just curiousity and suddenly there it is in your web history.

Someone younger than I who FBs alot tells me she is sent quite disturbing images alot. People send this stuff to say 'look at how sick this is!' And people look at it. It is like rubbernecking at a car crash. Some people find it hard to resist.

He may have an obsession with violated women or just maybe he morbidly clicked a link. Probably knew it was wrong. So easy to do.

This happens alot. So many men I know have looked at stuff their partners wouldn't approve of but it is so easy. they are not all bad men. Everything so accessible on the Internet, easy not to turn away sometimes and one site leads to another then another and before long there is a whole dodgy web history.

He is being defensive because he knows it is wrong. Doesn't mean your relationship has to end. Establish some ground rules about what you are comfortable with but truth be told this area is a minefield.

Kione Tue 19-Feb-13 07:12:36

badinage, I said: knowing they where going to be fake, before that. Justvshows how ommiting some info changes the whole thing angry

DialsMavis Mon 18-Feb-13 23:35:04

Sorry to thread jack, but Dondon how do you do the above on a Mac please?

DistanceCall Mon 18-Feb-13 22:05:49

It may be that he has some sort of rape fantasy or is somewhat titillated by the idea (as a fantasy, strictly as a fantasy. Many people - including women - have fantasies about rape and being forced/forcing someone else. And please let me stress the FANTASY aspect of it.)

He probably is ashamed of it, feels he can't acknowledge it or bring it up with you or with anybody, and reacted very strongly when you asked.

dondon33 Mon 18-Feb-13 22:01:52

* What a goon I am !! smile
Just remembered on most op systems you can press the windows button on the keyboard together with R and it brings up the cmd box Doh!! grin
Hope that makes it easier.

dondon33 Mon 18-Feb-13 21:57:00

My DP just talked me through this one for anyone with windows 7 operating system -
>Open the Start Menu
>click on All Programs
>Accessories
>Command Prompt - the box as described above should appear.

OR

>Open the Start Menu,
>type cmd in the search box and press Enter.
Again box should appear

>Once the box is up using either option type
>ipconfig/displaydns
>enter

If anyone is adept at using Task manager on their computer, it can be accessed from there too

>Open Task Manager (CTRL+SHIFT+ESC).
>Click on File (menu bar),
>then press and hold the CTRL key while clicking on New Task (Run...)

dondon33 Mon 18-Feb-13 21:41:22

Ah OK I forgot it's different on different operating systems.
So for Vista - go to start- then on the bottom where you can type- write the cmd then enter - see if that works five What we're doing is called a Command Prompt.
I only know how to do with XP and Vista but could find out if you tell me what operating system you have.

fiventhree Mon 18-Feb-13 21:32:48

but dondon, where is 'run'?

I found it and tried this by doing a computer search for the word run, and it gave gave a few sentences of other info, eg ip address for my own computer.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 21:32:06

oh yes, indeed

that one piece of advice covers just about everything tbh

it would certainly make the relationships advice board a lot shorter

dondon33 Mon 18-Feb-13 21:22:05

Too true badinage
I learned this one the hard way.

MechanicalTheatre Mon 18-Feb-13 21:17:23

Too right badinage .

badinage Mon 18-Feb-13 21:11:09

Believe his actions, not his words.

If there's one truism that women ought to live their lives by, it's that one.

dondon33 Mon 18-Feb-13 20:54:05

*should say - I must right click (NOT Left click) then choose from the drop down box.......

dondon33 Mon 18-Feb-13 20:49:32

OP so sorry you had to find and deal with this and had it not been for his actions when you confronted him I wouldn't have given you this, I've thought 3 times before dishing out this info but something tells me I should give it to you.

Providing the computer IS NOT switched off this will give you all websites that have been visited since the PC was last rebooted - Including manually deleted and inprivate browsing.

>Start
>Run
>type cmd
A box will pop up where you'll see C:\documents and settings etc.. followed by a blinking _
>type in there exactly like this ipconfig/displaydns then press enter.
> a list should appear - I suggest you have a pen and paper handy to quickly write stuff down and you can check it in your own time later, especially if he's in the house.
>Once finished simply close the box

Please then go to the start menu after your finished and check that it's not there on the left hand side, on my laptop (windows xp) it is and it's called 'command prompt' so I must left click it and choose remove from the drop down list to make it vanish but I've just checked on Dp's PC (vista) and it doesn't show at all.

ALL MN'ers please note that simply deleting history or using in private is simply not enough if you have a computer savvy OH determined to find what you've been doing. SWITCH OFF THE PC after visiting MN or where ever else - then the above can't be used.

MechanicalTheatre Mon 18-Feb-13 20:33:52

I completely agree with AF that you should not take him to your counselling. That is a massive boundary over-stepped right there.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 20:29:19

Please don't invite him along to your counselling. For God's sake, keep some space for yourself where you can talk freely without being shut down and made to feel like everything is your fault

MN will be here when you need us again sad

ThatsNotMySock Mon 18-Feb-13 20:20:20

Thanks again for the responses. Lots of food for thought. Can't stay on for too long, but just wanted to say I do agree with the "morbid curiosity" line of thought. And yes, no other dodgy/porn sites to be found, except for a pretty tame written erotic story, (he prefers this to anything visual, going from previous conversations) so not worried that he's got a strange addiction all of a sudden.

catlady he sounds like your mum, in the sense that he does like a lot of ghost/gory/mystery/strange happenings websites, so I'm hoping it was something that lead on from there that he very very much regrets. He was saying last night how ashamed he was of himself for even being curious.

I do, for now, believe his explanation. Only slept 2 hours last night, so not sure what it means for the rest of our relationship. I agree with the many other people who said his attitude to me is more worrying.

Mad He wasn't any more defensive and arsey than usual so I don't think he's hiding anything dodgy, just that his attitude/lack of respect to me is shocking. He often says that he can't deal with emotional stuff, can't empathise etc and if I want that kind of relationship I need to leave him and find someone else. Then 24 hours later he'll be saying he needs me, can't live without me.. I don't know which one to believe.

Since he woke up this morning he's been niceness personified. He mumbled "Sorry", since then nothing has been brought up, have been making small talk as normal hmm I'm currently having counselling alone as I thought the problems were all my fault. I'm not so sure they are now. He's previously said he'll come with me if I need him to.

We did have issues at the beginning of our relationship that I thought we'd sorted out, but at the time it was pretty tough, Lots of long conversations/arguing, break ups (me dumping him, him coming back) so maybe when I raise issues he gets a flashback to that and thinks we're going to be talking/shouting for hours/he's going to get dumped. It doesn't excuse it, just trying to grasp for reasons I suppose sad

five thank you for the book recommendations, I will look into those. Interesting what you say re boundaries. I always thought as I was so stubborn/assertive I wouldn't have any issues with boundaries, I think I was wrong! smile

catlady1 Mon 18-Feb-13 19:21:52

I can sort of buy the "morbid curiosity" argument. I'll admit I've looked at some dodgy stuff in my time (although not pictures of rape victims, I don't think). I remember when we first got a decent computer at home, my mum used to look at some really odd, gory stuff, like videos of people doing stupid things and having accidents, or those sites with pictures of people whose heads have been crushed and stuff. She's not a weirdo or a serial killer or anything, she just likes to be shocked, she likes horror films and novels for the same kind of reason. Although, I would say that rape is a bit different, and I would have thought it more odd if she had been looking at murder victims or something rather than accidents.

The way he reacts to you bringing things like this up, though, and the fact that you're worried about doing so, is much more worrying to me than just this one site. If there were lots of similar sites in his history then I'd be more worried, although I suppose he could be using private browsing or something.

badinage Mon 18-Feb-13 18:53:41

maybe he was curious for a laugh?

Yes because a site that's clearly labelled "victims after they've been raped" CONTAINS IMAGES would be positively side-splitting wouldn't it?

Jesus wept...hmm

Kione Mon 18-Feb-13 18:51:45

sorry I just read that you talked. he shouldnt speak to you like that but I'd believe the "wtf" theory

Kione Mon 18-Feb-13 18:46:25

I am not sure if you confronted him, cant read all the posts, but maybe he knew it was going.to be posed and fake? I have looked at porn before, I used to cluck on amateur as fake goobs, lips etc. disgust me and even most of the amateur looks posed... and well knowing it wad posed maybe he was curious for a laugh? playing devils advocate I know, but itwould be the nicest outcome of this...

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