Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Help! How to bring this up with H? Horrible dodgy site on internet history..

(105 Posts)
ThatsNotMySock Sun 17-Feb-13 23:36:48

Feel a bit sick. Made this thread earlier on,

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1686732-Quick-Facebook-related-Q

Something prompted me a look at his browser history (I know I know sad I feel horrible about it, and wish I hadn't) 99% is absolutely normal everyday things, and I was feeling like a total shit for looking, then came across a site that was... just horrible. I don't want to go into too much detail in case he finds this thread, it was not exactly porn but related and very shocking.

Further digging revealed he had clicked on a link from another site (a kind of reader for blogs, but subject matter a bit unusual/a bit of v light porn/odd stories etc) The title of the link made it very very clear what he would see and he still clicked it.

I can't imagine what he was thinking. He rarely uses porn (or rarely leaves it for me to find) and this seems totally out of character.

I have no idea how to approach it with him. He will be angry if he knows I have looked, and if I bring it up. But I can't pretend I didn't see this. If if was just "regular" porn (ick, hate saying that) I was be pissed off but probably leave it. This.. I don't know what to do. Sorry not to be more precise, he knows I use this site so trying to be a bit careful.

How can I raise this? Should I raise it, or leave it despite the subject matter? Atm, I have left the offending (offensive, actually) pages open on pc for him to see if he looks, but he's sleeping on and off upstairs. He may be down soon and I have no idea what to do sad Please help!

nellyjelly Tue 19-Feb-13 07:33:11

The trouble is that the internet makes everything so easy. Before the internet anyone who sought porn or other dodgy 'thrills' either had to use their imagination or buy magazines and books. Far more difficult to hide.

So now, you might see a link and click on it, against your better instincts, or just curiousity and suddenly there it is in your web history.

Someone younger than I who FBs alot tells me she is sent quite disturbing images alot. People send this stuff to say 'look at how sick this is!' And people look at it. It is like rubbernecking at a car crash. Some people find it hard to resist.

He may have an obsession with violated women or just maybe he morbidly clicked a link. Probably knew it was wrong. So easy to do.

This happens alot. So many men I know have looked at stuff their partners wouldn't approve of but it is so easy. they are not all bad men. Everything so accessible on the Internet, easy not to turn away sometimes and one site leads to another then another and before long there is a whole dodgy web history.

He is being defensive because he knows it is wrong. Doesn't mean your relationship has to end. Establish some ground rules about what you are comfortable with but truth be told this area is a minefield.

dondon33 Tue 19-Feb-13 10:33:40

Dials I have no experience with a Mac, I've had a quick look and the best info I can find is -

>Open terminal (I have no clue how it looks nor how to do)
>Type the following -
>dscacheutil -cachedump -entries Host

or

>lookupd -cachedump -entries Host

Apparently it will only show info from the last day and not like windows, which will show since the computer was last switched off.

fiventhree Tue 19-Feb-13 11:05:25

Sock the book I mentioned yesterday is the Verbally abusive relationship- how to recognise it and how to respond, by Patricia Evans. You will recognise some of his tricks in it (some wont fit him) but crucially it will explain what is actually going on with him when he shuts you down and exactly how to put a stop to it .

The foreword of the book says every older teenage girl should read it, and I agree.

It worked fairly well for me, as it enabled me to stop tying myself up in knots trying to explain myself in different ways, when he was just trying to get me to STFU.

DialsMavis Tue 19-Feb-13 11:07:13

Ah ok thanks, was just asking for a friend obviously

ThatsNotMySock Tue 19-Feb-13 23:19:17

dondon Thank you! It's strangely reassuring to know I can use that info if I have to.

five "tying myself up in knots trying to explain myself in different ways, when he was just trying to get me to STFU" This is every, every fight we have ever had sad I ordered the Patricia Evans book as soon as I read that sentence. I've also checked out some links on verbal abuse and there's a lot there that looks familiar.

He actually apologised properly last night, we've worked out between us that what he looked at was horrible and misguided, he really regrets it and thinks a lot less of himself. I've told him that while I believe him about that, I am so exhausted of being insulted, told to shut up, ignored, walked out on etc every time he's angry or I raise something he doesn't want to think about. He's not often angry btw, but when he is it's always the same pattern. He doesn't know why he does it, but wants to change. I did a bit of research and passed him the bonus material from "Should I stay or should I go", as some of it seemed pretty appropriate. Hopefully it will make sense to him, and help him stop doing this.

I just feel a bit switched off at the moment, and not sure what I want.
Thanks for listening everyone, you have all calmed me down and given me some good perspectives x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now