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Help! How to bring this up with H? Horrible dodgy site on internet history..

(105 Posts)
ThatsNotMySock Sun 17-Feb-13 23:36:48

Feel a bit sick. Made this thread earlier on,

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1686732-Quick-Facebook-related-Q

Something prompted me a look at his browser history (I know I know sad I feel horrible about it, and wish I hadn't) 99% is absolutely normal everyday things, and I was feeling like a total shit for looking, then came across a site that was... just horrible. I don't want to go into too much detail in case he finds this thread, it was not exactly porn but related and very shocking.

Further digging revealed he had clicked on a link from another site (a kind of reader for blogs, but subject matter a bit unusual/a bit of v light porn/odd stories etc) The title of the link made it very very clear what he would see and he still clicked it.

I can't imagine what he was thinking. He rarely uses porn (or rarely leaves it for me to find) and this seems totally out of character.

I have no idea how to approach it with him. He will be angry if he knows I have looked, and if I bring it up. But I can't pretend I didn't see this. If if was just "regular" porn (ick, hate saying that) I was be pissed off but probably leave it. This.. I don't know what to do. Sorry not to be more precise, he knows I use this site so trying to be a bit careful.

How can I raise this? Should I raise it, or leave it despite the subject matter? Atm, I have left the offending (offensive, actually) pages open on pc for him to see if he looks, but he's sleeping on and off upstairs. He may be down soon and I have no idea what to do sad Please help!

somewherebecomingrain Mon 18-Feb-13 06:50:59

i definitely agree morbid curiosity is a likely. he may have clicked on and clicked off in record time.

the fact that there are no other links shown as being read on the blog, it was the first one chronologically that he clicked on (ie he didn't scroll down searching for it), there isn't a stream of creepy web addresses on the history and that he didn't delete the history indicate morbid curiosity and happenstance rather than some compulsive interest in the subject.

i must admit i was looking at a 50s dress online shop that i stumbled on through mumsnet with burlesque-y looking models and then i clicked on the 'more info about model' link and found myself facing two ladies in corsets with their tits out!

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 08:40:28

I would talk to him face to face

The reaction you are carefully looking for when you look in his eyes is likely to frame how you take this forward

Pre warning him with a text simply gives him time to concoct a story and rehearse his demeanour

ThatsNotMySock Mon 18-Feb-13 09:34:01

Thanks again for all the opinions. Talked to him last night.

Definitely not an scrolling accident/mistaken click. He said he often looks at one website as he likes reading the weird stories (nothing porn related, which I believe) He saw that link and thought "wtf?" and clicked on it, had a quick look. He closed it quickly though, and felt quite disgusted. Now I can kind of understand that, think it's horrible but morbid curiosity could explain it,, he said he felt really embarrassed about it.

However.. I approached him about it really calmly, but from the outset he was sighing and rolling his eyes, even before he knew what I wanted to talk about. When he realised I'd seen it, he explained himself as above. I told him I could understand that, and went on to say it was such a shock for me to see that that kind of site even existed and it was scary as a women to know he'd looked, he suddenly started getting pissed off and told me I was being a huge pain in the arse, and was I going to shut up soon? We'd only been talking for a few minutes hmm He wasn't interested at all in hearing my feelings about it, and just kept snapping if I tried to talk about it. He stormed out and slept in the spare room, saying he was "allowed" to talk to me like that, as it was his opinion and after all I'd been telling him my opinion. I just don't get it. I'd approached it calmly, no accusing, no insults, tried to understand what he was saying, and he talks to me like that? Did I deserve that?

He apologised a while later, but he doesn't really get it. He still thinks it was ok to talk to me like that, still thinks it was ok for him to be angry with me, when I hadn't even attacked him.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 09:43:57

Pressed a button there, dintcha ?

Why do you think he got so angry and defensive ?

HeySoulSister Mon 18-Feb-13 09:43:58

So sorry to hear this.

ThereGoesTheYear Mon 18-Feb-13 09:50:50

Alarm bells were ringing for me when you were nervous about approaching him about this. The issue is that he is training you not to make a fuss about anything ever. You're upset because he's looked at a really horrible website, something that's really shaken you, but he puts you on the back foot, worrying if he's going to start on you.
What would happen if the situation were reversed? Can you imagine him seeing, I dunno, a male escort site in your history? Would he be asking people how best to ask you? Would you be rolling your eyes and snapping at him? Or would you try to understand that he's been upset and seek to reassure him. Because you love him and don't like him to be upset or shaken by something you've done.
Ps The jury's still put on whether he's telling the truth, but I don't think it really matters. He's still not a nice man to be around.

ThatsNotMySock Mon 18-Feb-13 09:55:41

AF He gets like this every time I bring something up, hence me being worried about raising this with him. Knew exactly how it would go sad

Whenever I raise something he's apparently justified in getting angry as it's the wrong time of day to talk about it, or the tone of my voice is wrong, or I use the wrong words, or my face looks wrong.. etc etc. I often try to ask him to understand how something has made me feel, and he refuses.

When he's calmed down the next day, he'll apologise but if I try to resolve anything he gets angry again. So not much ever gets resolved.

I would be mortified if I'd made him as worried as he made me and would never dream of insulting him/shouting at him. Sorry for the rant. No idea where to go from here.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 10:03:01

Your husband sounds horrible

Who the fuck does he think he is?

Your face looks wrong ? hmm

ATJabberwocky Mon 18-Feb-13 10:06:38

Whilst I understand there is cause for concern at the content of said site, is there the possibility that he wasn't aware it was sexual, and in fact had an interest in how rape victims feel and begin to move on after?

Maybe I'm being overly optimistic, naiive but ...

the only way to know is to confront him, it's clearly affecting your feelings towards him and making you think the worst, so i really would be best to discuss it.

With regards to the strange facebook requests, this happens to everyone, strange people adding you -which are clearly not real people and porn/spam bots. I even get them on FB.

fiventhree Mon 18-Feb-13 10:09:50

Well just be very careful.

His general attitude to you raising issues sounds exactly like my h for a few years before his Internet sex activities came out.

The thing is, his attitude to you raising a problem with him is verbally abusive- ie he turns it round on you for looking, ie he receives criticism by counter attacking. This is as a result of low self esteem, but it still isn't on.

As the kids get older maybe more problems will come up and it is easy to get to a point where you deliberate for days before mentioning something as you know he will use anger to close you don't. Of course it is partly staged anger, and it is manipulative.

So that's a red flag too.

Poor you.

fiventhree Mon 18-Feb-13 10:10:38

Close you down, I meant

ThatsNotMySock Mon 18-Feb-13 10:13:34

As is always the way with things like this, when he's not angry he's very sweet, kind, unassuming, helpful, funny etc etc hmm But if we need to talk about anything to do with emotions/things he's done which have hurt me or look suspicious it's like a switch flicks.

Yes, my face looks wrong. Too angry (even if I'm crying for eg, or perfectly calm) Or "scary". Last night I was at fault for generalising that all women are scared of rape, apparently I sounded like an arsehole.

I do think that he's trying to "scare" me into not bringing things up, unfortunately I'm too stubborn/stupid for that to work.

fiventhree it is a bit shit isn't it sad

He's still in bed, fortunately. Wonder if he'll wake up as Jekyll or Hyde.

fiventhree Mon 18-Feb-13 10:13:36

Shit,jus seen your 955 post.

Yep he's one of em....a manipulator . And likely a liar too. Likes to be in control.

Maybe you should start thinking and reading at least,

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 10:22:14

What a fucking miserable way to live

So now, what is his expectation ?

You STFU about his visit to a website that promotes "images of rape" ?? And that you never bring anything up again that is uncomfortable for you ?

What would you like to happen next ?

And how far from actual reality is that going to be ?

somewherebecomingrain Mon 18-Feb-13 10:22:20

I don't think he sounds like the worst person in the world - lots of men have problems with expressing/dealing with emotion. it sounds like there may be some 'issues' that are quite deep - maybe his mother emotionally terrorised him - made him feel guilty about everything - a bit when he was a child so he gets frightened when you get onto that kind of territory.

He sounds difficult but not a write-off.

fiventhree Mon 18-Feb-13 10:22:55

It isn't good sock it isn't. I'm quite assertive myself and this was exactly like my h- down to the wit- before the kids got a bit older and his job got more high pressure.

After I finally proved his 5 years of Internet sex- that's how long he fooled me and denied my suspicions the 4 or 5 times I found anything- he changed a lot as he knew I was planning to leave. He admitted in joint counselling that he had always manipulated me. They do actually know what they are doing, and it is about control.

I wish, I really wish, I had read eg that book on verbal abuse- anyone remember the author ? and Cloud and Thompson on boundaries. The latter is written by Christians, which I am not, but it's very good. By the way, being verbal or assertive yourself doesn't mean your boundary control is good.

Please read those books. You are going to need them.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 10:23:57

Oh please spare us from the "his mother made him like this" claptrap

Why do people insist on blaming women for the crappy behaviour of men ?

fiventhree Mon 18-Feb-13 11:02:55

AF I went down that road myself at first.

I think this sort of man usually does have a childhood which explains his behaviour, but the key thing which has dawned on me and which may be useful for the OP to remember is that it is simply not her issue. Her issue is to work out what it is he does and how to stop it. And how not to allow herself to change to fit in with his style . But definitely the 'why' in his past is his issue, if he can be bothered to think about it.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 11:06:07

I think OP's only issue is to work out whether she deserves to be treated like this. His upbringing is for him to work out, and certainly not for him to act it out upon those he is supposed to lovbe

It doesn't matter why he does it. The only question is should she be expected to excuse, rationalise and tolerate it, to the detriment of herself ?

I say, not

somewherebecomingrain Mon 18-Feb-13 11:27:56

anyfucker that's not polite debate.

i respect the point you are trying to make but not the way you made it.

Mothers usually bring up children - it's a simple fact. I know my mother in law made my DP both love & respect women, extremely competent at doing the laundry, and also to have a cast iron expectation that I will make him his breakfast every morning.

People's emotional weaknesses and strengths often have something to do with parents - not just mothers. But as we are talking about a male-female relationship here the mother is the obvious thought.

This is not the same as saying women are responsible for men's crappiness.

fiventhree Mon 18-Feb-13 11:37:38

I say not, too.

But perhaps I am just slow, but it can take time to see all the bits of that puzzle.

First of all, it has to be recognised and named, and not seen as just some odd personality tick.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 11:41:58

SBR, It doesn't invite politeness when you effectively blame other women when men treat women badly. IMO, it needs picking up on at every opportunity.

I had a less-than-ideal childhood. Would I be justified in treating my partners and kids like I saw modelled as I grew up ? No. Would I expect someone to excuse me for it on those grounds ? No, again.

I just read the whole thread...

At first I was on the 'morbid curiosity' camp. I think that sometimes it just gets the better of us. If he were into rape scenarios I am certain there would be far more sites and images being viewed.

However, his reaction doesn't tallywith the above scenario - and that makes me wonder what he is up to. You said about his trying to force you to kiss him and that it turned him on - that is a little odd.

Either way it diesn't say like your relationship is a loving one. It doesn't sound like he is going to change at all. He is belittling you and domineering you. You need to decide what kind of a future you want sad

badinage Mon 18-Feb-13 14:08:49

Look it's patently obvious that this is all linked.

The strangers eager to befriend him on facebook, the arousal when you said no while having sex, the disgusting site that no normal person would click on and his behaviour when challenged.

It all amounts to a man and a relationship that need to be binned. You shouldn't give a fuck how he came to be this way and you certainly shouldn't be blaming his mother. If anything, blokes like this tend to model their father's behaviour, not their mother's but FFS he's an adult and a father.

A father who, what ever lines he spins to the contrary, is interested in rape porn.

Dottiespots Mon 18-Feb-13 14:08:53

He doesn't seem like a bad man. He didn't hide anything. You asked and he answered you but to him you then wanted to go on and make your point. Sounds like he just doesn't like you over talking things all the time. Don't think he's up to anything bad. Your relationship sounds good otherwise.

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