Can he do this?

[DianaOfThemyscira]

I will try to be as brief as possible. There is a lot more detail, but here are the main facts.

Ex is supposed to have DS (5) Sunday from 11am and overnight, takes him to school on Monday.
This week is half term, so ex asks what to do Monday morning?

• Bring him home instead of going to school (I am on leave, which he knows)
  

He says no, he will return him at 7:30pm Sunday so DS can have a lie in for the holidays.

• Fine.
  

However This is where the trouble starts. It was my DNeice's 21st last night. Ex refused to have DS last night, saying he's not my babysitter.
So DS stayed with my dsis, who lives a couple of streets away from me. I told ex that DS was staying there and could be picked up there instead.
Shouldn't be a problem.

But there was.

Ex collected DS from Dsis (slagging me off to DBil saying I'd refused to let DS go to his Dad's last night, preferring him to be with babysitters)
Ex did not return DS at 7:30pm tonight, and had not contacted me to change this arrangement. I went to his house to collect him, he refused to let me take him, as I'd left him with a babysitter so I could "suck cock" and get "shit faced" etc etc, I'm a terrible mum (and lots of other awful stuff about the state of the house I'd left him in and the people who were looking after him)
So I assumed he'd be bringing him home in the morning.
He says he won't.
I told him we had a day out planned. He says HE has plans for tomorrow now, and it's my fault for getting drunk.


What can I do?!

He has PR for DS but I am primary carer. CAN he just decide not to give him back to me?

Please advise.

[DebbieLovesDallas]

I'm sorry, I don't know the legal side at all. But wanted to offer some support and a very unMN (((hug))) whilst bumping this.

[DianaOfThemyscira]

Thanks, Debbie, my first MN hug, and I bloody need it!

[Walkacrossthesand]

Is the 'Sunday to monday' contact arrangement a well-established one, legally-agreed ('statement of arrangements')and is this the first time he's kicked off about something and kept DS longer than agreed? Of course he's not 'allowed' to do this unilaterally, particularly as it sounds as if his real grievance is that you went out and had a good time, having made arrangements for DS to be appropriately cared for, despite his efforts to stop you by refusing to have DS. I think you should see a solicitor this week (the 'free half hour' if you don't already have a divorce lawyer) and see if you are allowed to refuse to let DS go to ex for overnighters again unless he commits to returning him at agreed time. Sorry you're having to go through this. What's with the the stuff about you getting drunk BTW - has drink been an issue?

[DianaOfThemyscira]

It's very well established, we have had an agreement in writing for 2 or 3 years.
Any other time he has threatened to keep DS longer has had me desperately dancing to his tune to get him back. He's never actually refused to give him back before.
I will be making an appointment with solicitor tomorrow.
No, drink is not the issue, his control over me is the issue. I rarely go out, and if I do, I drive usually. Mums can't have a social life.

[Walkacrossthesand]

PS with hindsight it probably wasn't such a great idea for DS, who's only 5, to be picked up from his aunties house without you there - where were you sleeping that night, would it have been possible for you to return to sleep in dsis's house after party so you were there when DS woke up? how long have you and ex been apart?

[Walkacrossthesand]

X-posted, sorry! Fair enough - off to the solicitors it is!

[akaemmafrost]

On this occasion I would let him keep dsfor his "plans" tomorrow absolute wanker that he is and get myself to a solicitor and get a legal agreement in place immediately.

[wongadotmom]

Call his bluff. Tell him his new plans for DS tomorrow ties in perfectly with your own new plans to get shitfaced and go out looking for some more cocks to suck. He'll soon be at your doorstep with DS.

[DianaOfThemyscira]

DS has had sleepovers at his auntie's before, he plays beautifully with his cousin (4) and there are no problems about him waking up in her home without me (from his POV).

Yes, in hindsight, I should have collected ds and brought him home ready to be picked up by Ex, but it shouldn't be necessary!

Thanks for the advice, I hope the visit to the solicitor will make things easier for the future

[DianaOfThemyscira]

:) wonga!

That could just work!

[babyhammock]

It sounds like he couldn't give a toss about DS and this is purely to punish you for going out. I'm guessing that tirade to your Dsis was within earshot of DS? What an arse :( sorry you're having to deal with this. But yes get to a solicitor ASAP

[Movingforward123]

Wow what a horrible situation I don't know the legal side but if you are the resident parent I doubt he can do this.

From what you have said it seems clear to me he just doesn't want you to have a life, and why in the world shouldn't you son have a sleepover at his aunts. And if you wanted to go out to 'cock suck' and get drunk, as well as your dc is left in a safe place with someone that is able to look after him well, then it is none of your exes business what you do in your own time!

I'm not sure if they can help atall, but maybe you should call the police? And take the written court agreement with you to see the police maybe?

I hope it all works out for you xxxx

[FastidiaBlueberry]

Keep a diary of what he has said to you so that it is clear to a future court (if need be) that his interest in you, is to control you.

Meanwhile, get to a solicitor.

You didn't do anything wrong. You shouldn't have done anything differently. Your DS is old enough to have a sleepover and for your x to pick him up from somewhere different.

Don't ever accept that he has any right to tell you how to live your life. As long as you facilitate the contact the court ordered, whatever else you do is NONE OF HIS BUSINESS.

Good luck with the solicitor.

[DianaOfThemyscira]

moving thanks for your support, just to clarify though, the agreement is between the two of us, it's not court appointed.

I wondered about police. I posted last month about his escalating temper and violence toward me during handover of DS, and I told him not to come to my door again, but to find a third party to facilitate contact. He left it for a week then just turned up again, but without the shouting, kicking, swearing and punching of my windows. Stupidly I just let it go.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Definitely get a solicitor involved. Informal agreements do not work in the longterm with a controlling, abusive man; you need to get it all in writing and legally agreed, and then he just has to abide by the terms.

And you have every right to suck as many cocks as you fancy, as long as DS is being cared for by someone trustworthy. Your sex life is none of your XP's business.

[DianaOfThemyscira]

Quite frankly, this cocklodging COCK has put me off cocks for life!

He's acting such a COCK because I've put an end to his cocklodging and the cock doesn't like that!

[TranceDaemon]

I think if he has taken DS and won't give him back, you need to get to the solicitors pronto and get an emergency court order, though I could be wrong. If he has been abusive, maybe ring the police 101 number for advice in the meantime.

[mantlepiece]

so a month ago he was violent and abusive in front of your child? His behaviour is now escalating.
You need to take action. Log his behaviour with the police. See solicitor to make a court ordered contact arrangement.

Unfortunately on this occasion you will have to wait until he brings your son back, as he is the parent and you trusted him to be reasonable.

Make sure he does not get the opportunity to do this again, as it is not just you that is being upset, but your child as well.

[Movingforward123]

diana have you got your ds back now? Did you speak to the police?

[DianaOfThemyscira]

Ex brought DS back at 3pm on the Monday, (he had to take leave/sick from work to do so) despite knowing we'd planned a day out at a theme park.
DS was really upset when he came home, as he'd stayed in all day at his Dad's (it was a beautiful and sunny day) and hadn't gone anywhere or done anything, he'd played upstairs on his own whilst his dad was downstairs all day.

Ex left, saying he'd be back on Friday to collect him, he is demanding contact Friday - Monday from now on.

DS says he doesn't want go with his dad on Friday.

[AnyFucker]

so did you see a solicitor or not ?

you need some big guns, because this COCK cannot unilaterally decide to take your son fri-mon

I suggest you get contact formally written up, report his verbal abuse and intimidating violence to the police, and go stay with friends this weekend not letting him take his son anywhere

will you do any of those things though ? Because if you don't this COCK is going to carry on terrorising you, and you are going to carry on acting like a frightened rabbit in the headlights

[FastidiaBlueberry]

Agree with Anyfucker.

This man is bullying you and counting on you not standing up to him.

He will use your son as a weapon against you and won't give a shit about any emotional damage he does him.

What a selfish fuck, depriving him of a day out.

What a selfish, selfish fuck.

Please don't let anyone tell you that he has rights - he doesn't. He only has responsibilities and he's not discharging them. He's putting his hostility to you above his son's needs.

[Flojobunny]

He is entitled to see his DS for 24 hrs each wkend or 48 hrs every other wkend. Plus 3 hours one eve per wk.
That is the standard contact arrangement that a judge would rule.
This Fri-mon every wkend is just nonsense. Get a solicitor and don't give him any more contact, since he broke your trust and withheld him last wkend, til a contact order is made. It'll take at least a few weeks for that to come through. Leave him to stew on his horrible behaviour.

[postmanpatscat]

There is no such thing as a standard contact arrangement and it is not wise to state what order a judge would make. The first step is mediation, which you can choose to skip, and a contact order is the last resort.

DP has a 4yo who lives over 200 miles away, he has every other weekend noon Sat - 4pm Sunday plus half of all school holidays.

[DianaOfThemyscira]

Thanks for the replies.
I won't be answering the questions about what RL help I have managed to find, as exP has found me on here. It doesn't bother me, as everything I've said is totally accurate and honest, but I don't want to forewarn him of my intentions for the future/legal help I've sought.
When ex has been reasonable, he has agreed that the arrangement we have really is the best we can do for ds's best interests. Which is why we came to the agreement in the first place.
But when he wants to control me, he kicks off about contact. Every. Single. Time.