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They aren't worth it...

(181 Posts)
Tasmania Sun 17-Feb-13 17:31:58

Why do some women end up in a relationship with guys - have kids with some even - who are not worth it?

I've met women who despite all the warning signals were completely blinded by... lust (can't be love, surely?). These were men who already showed signs of being abusive while dating.

Why don't people just turn their backs on them, and move away?

Not being controversial. Just wondering what goes on in people's head. My head is automatically guided by logic, and I don't know why, but I spot such guys from miles away, and just never tend to like them...

scarredbutalive Mon 18-Feb-13 18:51:58

Yeah, well, your last post did not make any sense at all. Have you switched personalities?

Whatever, I, me, personally have learned a lot here. Trust your instincts, trust yourself. There are a lot of people here I would like to meet and to talk to. There are a lot of people with genuine problems. I´ll never meet them. It´s okay. It was helpful to know they are out there. I would like to help them, too. "If I could, I would, ...

TimidLivid Mon 18-Feb-13 22:32:24

I will say I was young my dm made me feel worthless I had nofriends no experience and thought that iwas stuck then had chidren and its even worse when I tried to leave me parents told me to sort it out and whens its bad I wait for the good bits as marriage is meant to mean something and sometimes its good for years sometimes bad but its all I know . I don't know how to be angry or be nasty or be assertive the words just stick in my throat so being too nice is a curse

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 19-Feb-13 00:36:59

I've been having a bit of a think about this thread, and there is something about being in love - this is a pseudo-psychotic state, as is infatuation, which imho is a similar yet different state [inane grin] This state often involves the suspension of logic...

This is a wonderful feeling we seek to hang onto or recover, when, inevitably, it fades. And it's one designed to stop us looking too closely, while still responding to a fit (in all senses of the word) male.

I don't know about anyone else, but I think I captured that, and projected it onto my ex, so that he always looked like the him I first knew iyswim. And I went for seeking that emotion in myself, rather than realising, from his behaviour, what kind of man he had become.

My/?our love came and went, I expected it to ebb and flow, and I feel the Who captured the pattern as it was until I began to wake up, partly with the help of Mumsnet:

'Our love was famine, frustation
We only acted out an imitation
Of what real love should have been
Then suddenly ...

Our love was flying
Our love was soaring
Our love was shining
Like a summer morning

Flying, soaring
Shining morning
Never leaving
Lying, dying

Is this the natural ebb and flow of a happy longterm relationship? Or the classic cycle of abuse? Charm, transitioning to abuse, switch back to charm when needed, transitioning to abuse...

My bloke didn't have the classic charming side to him but I was biased towards hope, and his behaviour did not involve violence or calling me a cunt. It was much more insidious than that - belittling, dismissing. And when our fortunes improved, he showed that earning a living was not high on his priorities. Nor was sharing the housework, though for the last 20 years of our marriage he was nearly always in the house.

Yes, I knew he had faults, from when I first met him, and I was and am sure that I have faults of my own. And then that glorious time when the faults melt away... and then reality creeps up on you.

I have got 2 lovely DC though, and I managed to keep my friends despite my ex's rather hermit-style approuch to life, though my mental health was being damaged by living with Ex.

Since I divorced him, I am in ongoing recovery smile

So ladies, if you do find yourself in this kind of situation, don't waste energy on bemoaning your own shortcomings - make a plan. Start with checking out the financials...

melbie Tue 19-Feb-13 01:33:32

Because I don't feel like I am worth it really either.

ParsleyTheLioness Tue 19-Feb-13 18:41:40

Melbie we're all worth better than being abused thanks

northlight Tue 19-Feb-13 20:18:25

Maybe if you listened to this play, OP, you might gain a little insight into the complexity of domestic violence.

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01qq690/A_Firm_Hand/

It's about half an hour long but in a fairly concentrated way it illustrates many common features of an abusive relationship - including the victim's hope and belief that the abuser might change.

For those who are in, or have escaped, an abusive relationship be careful of triggers.

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