Mumsnet Talk

Sorry, me again! Please could someone else link.

Thank you for that post last night math. I am starting this thread with no access to a proper keyboard, but I might cut and paste it to this thread when I can to access it easily. The links you included strike a chord in a very uncomfortable way. Reading your post made me feel the enormity of this, and that makes me feel very low and want to hide, but I will try to find a way to break it down into manageable chunks.

Izzy, what you say about me not being able to take back control even if I become more assertive is very probably something I agree with. My counsellor has said something similar but in a much less direct way.

I will be in touch with WA again this week.

The good things at the moment: my job, my gorgeous dc3 who is at a wonderful stage, I am also feeling like I am re connecting with dc1 (who I spoke to yesterday for the first time about the 'rules' within the house, I kept it all very general, but it was enlightening. H's rules do not make sense to dc1 either. For some reason that was a surprise to me, I had been thinking things made sense to dc1 and didn't make sense to me because I was less involved, but that's just not true. It was something OxfordBags posted that prompted me to have the discussion with dc1, so thank you).

Loving the title!

Never apologise for it being you. We like you. We're happy to hear from you.

(Can't link from phone, but wanted to welcome you to your new thread. If that makes sense)

Previous thread

Makes a plan <weeps>

Liking the positive title, GB

I think it will have been a massive relief for your DC1 to have had such a conversation with you, even if he didn't show it. It showed DC1 that he isn't imagining it - mummy agrees with him. Reassurance like that can save a person from going mad.

Now for that plan!

fantastic to see a new thread, and such a positive title
And so pleased that you have spoken to DC1, and hopefuly their input to the complete arbitary nature of Hs rules has heped you to reaise that you are totally on the ball with your insticts, when you allow yourself to listen to them.
And with luck understanding the confusion that lies within the DCs regarding how to behave or what may trigger a punishment will highlight how they too are going to be walking on eggshells, and how unheathy that is. In that environment they are very vulnerable to either running away or leaving for the first person who shows them some interest, who, given the unheathy patterns they have seen, woud probaby be an abuser themselves.
It isnt written in stone though. Being open and honest with them once you leave, explaining boundaries and working on their self esteem can turn this around, and leaving itself can be the biggest demonstration of all.

Brilliant brilliant title - oh well done Gb!! Can't wait to hear the plan develop and remember if it seems overwhelming to plan it all just toy steps are great to start, as the oter posters said re getting important papers ready etc etc. all small steps.

I really hope that when this thread is full things are feeling even clearer and more hopeful for you GB.

Xxx

Yes to a plan

Er toy steps = baby steps!

Another for the title!

Me too!
I don't post on this thread often, but I check in every day.

Congratulations.

Step 1 is talk to WA! Well done.

Very happy to see the title of your thread, GB. Like MushroomSoup I also check in every day. One day I hope to read that you and your dcs are safe. You have some extraordinary women rooting for you, please keep reading and processing their wisdom.

Hi GB, I haven't posted before but have been lurking for a while and thinking of you a lot.

Your title is wonderful

You said in the last thread that you were planning to email the WA woman this weekend. Have you done that yet? Don't worry about what to write if that's putting you off sending it... just request more meetings and then you can talk it through in person. If you're thinking of emailing her more information but you're worried about doing it, remember you can always put that in a separate email. Setting up the meetings is the most important, because she can give you strength and real life insight.

My pleasure, GB. My parents did something that I think was really good, which was to let us know that we could talk to them about them and tell them if we were angry, upset, resentful, found something unfair or confusing, etc. as you've discovered, you can't just presume children understand everything or are fine with things. I was alarmed to read about you being 'less involved', though. You are the primary caregiver and they spend the majority of time with them at home, yet you are 'less involved' when it comes to the rule-setting and punishment-setting. I get why he is confused; I get confused reading about what annoys your OH and what punishments he decides on and metes out or makes you mete out! Well, actually I don't get confused as to his motive - he is keeping you all mentally 'on your toes'. None of you can never relax, feel secure, know the rules, and above all none of you can therefore ever 'get it right' or 'win' so you are all forced into feeling bad, the children into feelingnlike there must be something innately wrong, bad and foul about themselves to be so naughty, etc., and you all become responsible for OH's moods, feelings, needs, wants, whims, trying to please and appease him, constantly modifying how you behave, act, talk, react, carry out tasks and so on, so as to stave off his displeasure and abuse. I believe this technique of control is called crazymaking.

This is harcore training for your children: training to be abusers and victims. If DC1 is a boy, as we suspect, he will be observing and learning how men behave as partners and fathers and what rights theyhave within the home whilst storing the resentment and anger up at being treated so badly and having such confusing, conflicting and unrealisti expectations placed upon him. THIS is how abusers are made. Every day you stay is another day where your son(s) get a step closer to abusing in the future. Imagine that: your own sweet boy (s) becoming monsters.

BTW, in the last thread, you ponder why you can be so assertive and strong in a work environment, but not so much in a relationship. It's clear to me that your childhood trained you to excel in a work environment; to work tirelessly, to goal-set and target reach, to go above and beyond what is asked of you, to do whatever it takes to please the boss, to thrive on the satisfaction of being rewarded for getting things right and done well. You say you aren't a perfection, but do come across as one. When you listed all the things you do for your DC and in the home, it was a real perfectionist's cry of outrage; "look at how much I do well, how on earth can anyone find any fault with me? If I do more than everyone else and do it well, I'm supposed to get approval and love!". I say this because I am a perfectionist too and was surprised to see you say you'e not, as I presumed you would know you were too! Perhaps because of your childhood, what others know as perfectionism was the norm expected of you growing up.

I hope DC3 is feeling better today, btw.

Yet another for your title. And cheers and

... And keep reading math's post, it may keep you galvanised.

What a wonderful positive title! Make the plan and then i hope you action it. Im another who checks in everyday to see how you are.

I hope you don't feel cowed by the idea that so many of us check in to see how you are. I hope you see it as the positive thing it is. whether you get to 'something' by the end of the thread or not. You are being put under some pressure here. It is hard not to put on the pressure - a counsellor wouldn't do that but we aren't counsellors (ok, speak for myself).

I recognise in your experience my own, where I somehow dodged a life lesson but, guess what, it came back to bite me in the bum. It seems to me that health comes knocking, refusing to be put off, repeatedly turning up when we thought we had dealt with it. Well done for facing it again.

You seem to adore your husband. As with so many of us who are/were in abusive relationships, our husbands were staggeringly charming. I remember watching him talking to someone - a woman - and it was as if a cloak of charm fell on her and she was putty in his hands. At that stage I had begun to wake up to his machinations and I wasn't jealous to see how he charmed her. I had been in awe of him, entirely in his thrall. I now see that the only reason he settled with me was because he could see that he would have much better success with me in dominating the entire show. That was a shock when I realised that. Many people said to me that, of all the people they know, they would never have thought I would end up in an abusive relationship. What he picked up on was that I had a flaw running through me, under the surface. I had been abused before and had not come to terms with it.

Great title! And kudos to you for keeping going even though you'd like to go away and hide from the true reality of your current situation.

Just want to repeat my last post on the other thread, as you hadn't responded to it yet:

Can i just mention something that bizarrely seems to have been glossed over?

"I am going to come and smack your bottom so hard"

^^ This is the physical abuse that you spoke of as being the ultimate confirmation you'd need. If DP ever said (let alone followed through) something remotely like the above to dd that would be it for us, over. I can't believe it was thrown so casually into the end of your post and that nobody else picked up on it .

If your H or anybody else for that matter said that to you, what would you think or feel? If a teacher or a friend or a member of your family said it to your DC, what would you think or do? Why is it any different to say it to a child, and why is it any different that it is their father? In fact, surely it is worse for a child, and worse that it is their father?!

And FWIW one smack in frustration from you followed by your remorse and non-repetition of said smack is ENTIRELY different from a thought-through violent threat and repeated smacking from a father who is already scary as he is.

Please, please get out.

Great thread title .

Let some of these wise and experienced posters help you to make your plan, with all of the practical advice they can give. You have an army of well-wishers hoping for a wonderful life for you and your dcs x.

springyhopes has just inspired me. Like many others I rarely post on your threads but check it every day. When I do post it has been to urge you to leave. What may be more helpful to you though is to ask you how I can help

Do you need help researching good solicitors in your area?

Do you need some help to research rental houses and financial assistance you'd be entitled to if you leave?

Do you need someone to order some of the books that have been recommended and arrange for them be sent to your work or a friend's house?

If any of these things would help you, I'd be glad to do them. Please just PM me.

PS if you're understandably worried about confidentiality you could name a few towns/areas, only one of which being yours. I'm happy to do more research than will be useful if it gives you a greater sense of security that your location isn't known.