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found knickers, not mine!

(148 Posts)
sammerinna Sun 17-Feb-13 09:06:19

BF returned on Sat' from working on big construction proj' in Middle East. Whilst emptying his sports bag this morning. I was surprised that all clothes within were freshly washed, not folded, but clean. Also within were a pair of flimsy, pink knickers, clean, and way to small to be mine or for me. He had to go away again this morning for a meeting and is back tomorrow eve'. Haven't confronted him yet. He does have a lot of laddish mates out there. I don't know I'm clutching at straws here.. help! advice please!!!

Loika Tue 19-Feb-13 14:14:40

This sounds like hotel laundry mix up. His clothes have never come back clean before and he sounds upset at your accusation. When men want an affair or a quick fling its because something is missing at home. You already do all the washing at home so he is hardly going to go with someone who will wash his clothes!! (Dirty knickers are more of a concern!)
Most of these frilly knickers are synthetic fabrics and cling to anything with static, look like bunting as they come out of the dryer! It looks like he was in a rush to pack so stuffed the suitcase with the clean washing once it got back to his room or had a made rummage for something. He is unlikely to know how they got there (mates/hotel laundry etc) and you have worked yourself up so any excuse he comes up with will sound false.

Please be careful. You could kill your relationship over nothing. I know a man who allowed his suspision and paranoia to drive away his loving wife into the arms of the man who he thought she was carrying on with. My OH is that man, he says they had been accused of having an affair so often and so strongly that when she left her husband, they did become an item but both felt they had been pushed into it.
If you don't trust him, that is another issue but don't let yourself get carried away imagining all sorts of things, be cool and logical about it. However, every relationship is differant and only the two of you know what is going on, so i apologise if I am wrong but thought I would offer my POV.

Geordieminx Tue 19-Feb-13 14:20:51

You don't sound very convinced of his innocence hmm

ToomuchWaternotWine Tue 19-Feb-13 14:25:40

loika "when men want an affair or a quick fling its because something is missing at home"

NO NO No No No. anyone who has been on these boards, done any studying of relationships, counselling skills etc, or even just read a decent book in the last ten years on the subject, will refute this. People have flings/affairs because they CAN. Often it's a need to validate personality flaws in THEM, nothing to do with anything in the relationship. Many many perfectly happily married people have had affairs because of opportunity alone, nothing is "missing" at home.

OP did you feel his reaction was genuine surprise?

NuclearStandoff Tue 19-Feb-13 14:26:19

I offered him a couple of loopholes. Mates pissing about. Woman staying at apt complex. He didn't take either. He says he doesn't know.

Of course he doesn't know, he hasn't had the benefit of half of Mumsnet speculating for 2 days about the significance of the tiny pink pants.

Which suggests he genuinely hasn't got a clue what they were doing there and it was probably just a random bit of laundry.

Think MN can be very bad at feeding people's suspicions sometimes when there is probably a simple innocent explanation.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 14:31:39

Personally, I would be more inclined to believe someone who appeared genuinely nonplussed and said "I don't know" than one who quickly jumped onto an easy bandwagon when it was offered up like a sacrificial lamb.

he hasn't taken the easy option, has he ?

TotallyBS Tue 19-Feb-13 14:36:00

RE lack of hotel laundry tags, I lived in a hotel for two months while on business. Large items like shirts are tagged. Small stuff like socks and underwear are collectively chucked into one wash bag which is tagged and chucked into a machine with all the other tagged bags.

Does anyone seriously think that the hotel staff is going to tag every loose item?

sammerinna Tue 19-Feb-13 15:30:09

Hello all. I called his mate, and another of his mates wives, as well as the apartment complex in Quatar. MW2 said the old crew hers worked with did nix trick on him too, as well as lipstick all over a shirt - clumsily applied.

Mine still denies, says he didn't notice them when he "packed". He did go for a beer before getting plane, with his shoulder sports bag. His mate says he saw him with it in club. They could have been inserted there. I must say he does seem genuine. the more I think about it, read what great folks here have said and ask friends. He could blame his mates and they would back him up I'm sure. But he's just baffled and embarrassed to have brought pink frillies through customs it seems.

Apartment complex very helpful. Said they had all men for past 2 months, before that they had mostly women sharing rooms, and a few couples, all Japanese. Now I'm hoping I don't incur the wrath of the Pc brigade again with the sweeping generalisation I'm about to make, but Japanese women are rather slight and that might explain the size of the mystery knickers. I don't know. I'm hoping, My gut feeling now is still a little unclear to me. He does seem genuine I must say. As AnyFucker said he didn't take easy option.

I want to thank you all so much. You are the greatest for helping me through this. I feel like I've built you all up and let you down with a soppy - I trust him sentiment. But I do. (I think).. xxx

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 15:36:31

OP, we are glad for you that you seem to have worked it out.

Contrary to popular belief, MN is not full of man hating feminists intent on destroying perfectly good marriages.

Now, in your situation, I would still have a small amount of questioning going on in my mind. However, I do feel it is utterly foolish to ever trust anyone 100% (even yourself), so keep your head screwed on, your big girl pants snugly applied and never put a man on a pedestal (I don't think you have, btw)

and yes, Japanese women are petite as a race, that's just how it is

all the best x

garlicbreeze Tue 19-Feb-13 16:04:50

Phew! I'm glad you did your background checks, OP, and very thorough they seem too <impressed>

Man didn't jump for easy excuse. Seemed honestly baffled. Two realistic explanations discovered. Personally, I'm going for an earlier guest missing one pair of pants - but if he comes back next time with another pair, I'll go for a fairly feeble prank grin

Above all, there's your instinct. Good for you!
I agree with AF, btw, it's silly to trust anybody at all 100%. It's also silly to hang on to groundless suspicions, though. I think you've done all the right things. Thanks for the update smile

badinage Tue 19-Feb-13 17:05:12

Yeah I'm glad this has worked out too, but like others I only trust myself 100% even though I've been married for donkey's years to the person I trust most in all the world.

These blokes he works with sound like complete arses though don't they?

AgathaF Tue 19-Feb-13 17:13:17

I totally agree with what NuclearStandoff said.

Hopefully, it was all just a load of nothing - although really horrible for you to be worried for days about it.

sammerinna Tue 19-Feb-13 17:27:50

yes they do badinage total f***heads..

NcNcNcNc Tue 19-Feb-13 18:08:20

Glad it worked out.

Thanks for your sarcasm by the way grin I like to think people don't start throwing the 'n' word around when they're upset or scared and wish we lived in a society when being upset and scared wasn't an excuse for throwing out the misogynistic 'tart' type words either, but hey ho.

If I see racism I confront and same with sexism. Sorry if that offends you smile

KoalaCakes Tue 19-Feb-13 18:13:23

Really pleased things have worked out. You don't strike me as a dumbass with your head in the sand and its great you can trust your man.

AnyFucker- I'm always cautious about using the terms man-hating and feminists together. The two do not neccessarily go hand in hand...from either direction.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 18:18:58

koala of course

I usually find "man hating" is used as an insult. It often goes with "uptight", "frigid" and "hairy" too

Used by the terminally fucking stoopid smile

WafflyVersatile Tue 19-Feb-13 18:21:40

Not taking the loopholes sounds more innocent than grabbing at them when offered. I'd think that if he had something to feel guilty about he'd be scanning about for a likely sounding excuse. Whereas if he hasn't been up to anything then the answer could well that he just doesn't know.

sammerinna Tue 19-Feb-13 18:23:00

yes .. well aren't we lucky you're there

WafflyVersatile Tue 19-Feb-13 18:23:49

Oh! I hadn't read the last page. Glad it looks like a stupid joke or mistake.

NcNcNcNc Tue 19-Feb-13 18:25:55

I was trying to be nice OP but the fact that you casually use nasty language and then are just sarcastic about it is bizarre. Really hope you're not teaching your dc such things.

Feel free to be as derogatory about women as you like, I'm out.

sammerinna Tue 19-Feb-13 18:27:00

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

sammerinna Tue 19-Feb-13 18:27:27

bye all x

Numberlock Wed 20-Feb-13 22:30:20

he's had plenty of offers but never cheated

He sounds like a cunt for this statment alone.

Were you supposed to thank him or something?

I notice that at no stage has he said he can understand how dodgy this looks..

CrackerJackShack Thu 21-Feb-13 09:33:52

Plenty of women in Qatar? What? it's a 20 men to 1 woman ratio! The only way any of his pals are getting any is if they're paying for it, otherwise they're sitting at the bars by themselves.

I'd say mix up at the laundry, especially at these hotel-apartments here, they're not exactly 5 star establishments.

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