Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

More upset by 'The Script' than the infidelity. Anyone else?

(63 Posts)
muddyboots Sun 17-Feb-13 00:50:22

This has the makings of a very long post so I'll try and be as brief as possible and avoid giving too much away about my RL self.

We have been together 12 years, married for 8 and have 3 DCs under 5.

Found out a couple of months ago that my DH had had a 13 month long affair. It ended 'physically' in the summer but they have stayed in very regular touch through daiily texts, favours etc.

At the same time, I discovered that a week after our DC3 was born he had joined a website and had been sexting other women and meeting a couple of them for sex.

All bad enough....but the thing that I am most pissed off about is the utter load of crap he has spun me since their affair ended!

We were getting along well and had just come back from a nice holiday, I was 6 months pregnant with a planned for baby when suddenly overnight he appeared to have some sort of breakdown....couldn't sleep or relax and then started with the old "Wasn't sure if he loved me, he wasn't happy, I was obsessed with the children, showed him no love or care, I didn't make any effort for him, he hated our house, the village where we live, wanted me to give up work as it was my shift work making him so unhappy (I am the main breadwinner)."

We had counselling which just didn't seem to help with any of our apparent problems(!) I just couldn't recognise the marriage that he was talking about, but I tried really hard to take on board what he was saying and we had regular date nights, let the children sleep over at relatives a bit more, stopped doing anything 'housework' related after DCs in bed (like folding laundry, washing up) as apparently I was obsessed with housework.

Meanwhile, his drinking escalated to 2 bottles of wine per night + and he would either get so drunk that he would pass-out on the sofa or he would pick an argument. Thankfully it was usually the former.

One night, I saw him drunkenly put his password into his phone and I discovered everything. I threw him out a couple of days later (once I'd collected the evidence) but he has pulled the "It's my house too, you can't throw me out" line so now we are living together as 'co-parents' with seperate bedrooms.

Since then he has changed. Suddenly, he is really attentive, adores our new baby, does his share of household tasks, massively interested in everything I have to say, is having psychotherapy, is open with his phone and laptop...

Although I am incredibly hurt by the affairs and the physical relations, I feel that I could possibly forgive him. I had a 6 week long affair 6 years ago (no sex) so I can appreciate how a friendship can turn into something inappropriate that is difficult to end. But I am really struggling to get over the 'script' that he has spun to me over the summer/autumn especially as it has coincided with the birth of our lovely baby.

So, (and thanks for sticking with me this far, I have left a lot out) anyone ever had any similar feelings? I feel really daft for considering forgiving the infidelity but not the emotional abuse. Most of my friends and family seem caught up on his actions rather than his words but this is what is hurting me the most.

ImperialBlether Sun 17-Feb-13 21:11:22

That's a quote from my ex.

izzyizin Sun 17-Feb-13 21:14:19

Feb 17 and he hasn't cheated once this year? Wowee, what a good husband he is hmm

badinage Sun 17-Feb-13 22:27:01

See, I know couples who've got past an affair but thinking about it, they were of the 'friends who turned into something else' kind of affairs. No hook-up sites and definitely no pregnancies. Brief infatuations too. But the main reason they are all still together is because the ones who cheated really got it and did everything to repair the trust.

Your husband doesn't get it at all and so this seems pointless. He can still see the baby for short bursts of time if he leaves and he can give you a break by taking the others out. I don't think living like this does children any favours so I hope you'll reconsider and stop putting any pressure on yourself to forgive. He really doesn't deserve it.

garlicbreeze Sun 17-Feb-13 23:06:43

I didn't know my own past. I didn't know myself. I didn't know him. I didn't know what was true and what was a lie.

Argh! Really well put, Imperial. Under other circumstances we'd call this gaslighting, wouldn't we?

I'm with badinage, OP - couples can create a NEW relationship, and it can even be better than the old one, but the absolute prerequisite is that the cheater really understands the extent of the damage they did. Your H, unfortunately, seems to be minimising the harm, dismissing your hurt and belittling your needs. I feel immensely for you - and am quite glad you've got all that baby-bonding oxytocin going on! Despite the strain & inconvenience of everything, DC3's probably shoring you up emotionally.

I've got to say the whole picture - OW abortion while H ttc with you; meeting women for sex as you gave birth; lying and blaming you; and now the early appearance of "What more do you want?!" - looks suspiciously like a man who's so in love with his penis, there's not much room for anything else in his heart. I do know what you mean, though, about getting along fine if you ignore the elephant in the room - the things that drew you together in the first place are still there, as is the family you've both created. It's pretty much as it always was ... only without the respect and trust.
Poor you sad

garlicbreeze Sun 17-Feb-13 23:15:40

I have quite low expectations of him now so he can't upset me anymore and I don't bother trying to please him or respond to his sulks.

Has he always been a moody, demanding git, or did all the trying to please him and sulking arise after his so-called breakdown?

AnyFucker Sun 17-Feb-13 23:24:40

There are some situations where infidelilty could be forgiveable, and a new start made on a marriage

This isn't one of them

OP, you take him back under these circumstances you are a fool

izzyizin Sun 17-Feb-13 23:26:03

With a man like this you're best advised to revise your expectations downwards.

If you've got no expectations of him, you won't be disappointed nor will you be surprised when he sets forth to stick his dick in ow conquer again as, I'm sorry to say again, is inevitable.

This is Narcissus, in love with his own reflection and intent only on pleasuring himself.

Blindedbyscience Sun 17-Feb-13 23:27:11

I know how you feel and have lots of sympathy for your situation. On paper, I should have left my marriage years ago. I haven't- we are still together. The difference being, my dh has never admitted anything. You can only do what feels right to you. Maybe some space would be a good thing to give you the space to think.

muddyboots Mon 18-Feb-13 00:06:32

Thanks everyone. Some of your posts have brought a smile to my miserable face despite the shitty situation I find myself in!

I have always tried to make him happy and put his needs above my own although this has increased since his 'breakdown' as apparently I was only offering him 'clinical care' as I would with any patient (I work in the NHS). I tried harder and did my best to respond to what he was saying he needed from me.

During our counselling sessions last summer he accused me of being a 'martyr' and trying to impose those values on him too....but that is what I want from a relationship. Somebody who always puts me first.

We have just had a row tonight about what more he could have done to make my weekend a good one. Apparently, I am adamant on destroying our family by holding onto this grudge and bullying him with my snide comments and digs when he is trying to change and is having a rough time with his psychotherapy! I have found myself doing this more and more in the last few days. Perhaps it is a sign that things do need to change before I damage myself and our children...

badinage Mon 18-Feb-13 00:09:50

Yes it is a sign.

His sign needs to have EXIT on it though.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 00:15:58

I am saddened by the way you have jumped through hoops to please an unpleasable man

Whatever you do will never be good enough, do you realise that ?

You are demeaning yourself, and teaching your dc some damaging lessons

izzyizin Mon 18-Feb-13 01:22:51

Aw, poor diddums. How could you be so cruel as to chide him for being a lying, cheating, tosspot when he's having such a rough time with his psychotherapy? <rolls eyes emoticon>

Things sure do need to change, honey. Start changing them for the better by kicking his sorry arse out of your home and let him navel gaze struggle with his demons alone.

And then get yourself some counselling which will allow you to vent your feelings which, due to your obvious sensitivity, I suspect are far more complex than the 'where can I find my next fuck' variety that preoccupy his dick mind.

Or vent here to your heart's content smile

ImverySad Mon 18-Feb-13 07:30:15

hi Guys, after reading all your comments I suddenly remember, I should ask this,

Is it ok if your P, does not allow you to use or look into his mobile phone? My P would somtimes, read my messages, but when I take his phone and start reading all the sms, he does not alllow it and would instantly turn it off. even if he is on his computer and when i stand behind him to see what he is doing, he would scold me for that. what is this guys, am i being paranoid or what?

AThingInYourLife Mon 18-Feb-13 08:11:32

"What have I actually done to upset you this year? I am trying my best to be a good husband"

shock

This year?

This fucking year?

That's six poxy weeks.

This self-indulgent, bullying prick thinks he gets to decide that everything g has to be OK now because he hasn't cheated on you, got another woman pregnant, out you and your baby at risk of disease, hooked up with randoms from the Internet in the last few weeks?

He is not trying to be a good husband.

You have told him your marriage is over.

The family he is coercing you into maintaining is a sham.

It serves nobody but him.

Yet again the rest of the family are being sacrificed so he can get what he wants.

He is not a good man.

He is horrible and he is damaging you and your children.

See a solicitor and start the process of getting this whiny, self-obsessed prick out of your house.

He is a leech. Sucking you all dry.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 08:30:23

He keeps his phone and internet use from you because he is up to no good

Going off his previous behaviour, I think that is obvious

meditrina Mon 18-Feb-13 08:42:46

I do think marriages can be mended, but it's only going to happen if both parties are totally committed to it and will really understand the scale of the task ahead of them. And the wandering partner has to take 100% of the responsibility for the damage they did (especially why they baled out to third parties instead of working at the primary relationship) and has to step up to the mark to get the healing of that well under way before you start looking at the 50/50 responsibility for the state of the marriage beforehand, which will have had good and bad points for both.

The lies, and the way that cancels out of a months of the marriage, is really hard to come to terms with. And his refusal to leave, to give you the time and space to process the information and work out whether he has any place in your family's future is a poor indicator.

AThingInYourLife Mon 18-Feb-13 08:48:47

Another poor indicator is that he's not remotely sorry.

Oh no wait, other than feeling sorry for himself.

Someone who has done a terrible thing they regret does not get angry with the person they have hurt for daring to be upset.

His behaviour is that of a man who thinks he has a right to have his multiple infidelities overlooked.

They can't be forgiven. Because he is not sorry.

Miggsie Mon 18-Feb-13 08:51:39

A man who alternated between taking his wife to the maternity unit and his lover to the abortion clinic is despicable and you need to throw him out.

Other than murder I really can't see how much lower he could sink - and I wonder why you think you have to spend time with him.

Leave him to rot on his own and take care of yourself and your children.

Chavvytastic Mon 18-Feb-13 09:58:21

Oh dear he sounds very me me me.

Its hard. I know I found it easy in the early days to carry on with the big elephant in the room. It was easier than facing up to the fact my life as I thought it was - was over/didnt exist any more. I wanted the my husband, the "happy family unit" etc I thought we could get through it.

Looking back he did try initially although there were times I doubted and became suspicious and asked/demanded to see proof of certain things and he declined - that was 12/18 months on from discovery. He always had a "good" excuse to decline my request but really - an honest man with nothing to hide, desperate to get their marriage back on track would surely bend over backwards to proove they were on the straight and narrow. That spoke volumes.

I now look back on the past 5 years and beyond (when he was cheating but I was blissfully unaware) and my life seems like a lie. I look at old family photos of us all on birthdays, days out and holidays and just think "what a sham - he was shagging someone else around that time". Seeing the pics hurt because I was blissfully happy. I look back and nothing in my life was how I thought it was. Thats how it feels.

The bottom line now is I look at my husband and I know I have lost all respect for him. In my mind he must have really hated and resented me to do what he did over and over and over. I don't think that is fixable.

My honest heartfelt advice is to get out and move on but I also know how bloody hard it is to actually do that - hence me sitting here leading a life that could have been very different and a lot less bitter.

plinkyplonks Mon 18-Feb-13 10:45:25

You deserve better and sooner or later he should leave. Why wait until its on his terms ... It all seems very much what HE wants. Make him leave and move on with your life.

fiventhree Mon 18-Feb-13 10:51:36

He really is a prick. I did post about my own h but yours is way worse.

It's true, he really is all me me me. Out of interest, the changes you made to yourself after counselling are great, but also suggest that you were given some blame for his various infidelities. I hope you know that even though you may be responsible for some of the pre existing problems, you were not the reason he did what he did

He isn't making much effort, but he thinks he is making bucket loads.

You are a skilled and capable woman and long term you have loads of opportunities to think about exploring some of the poorly signposted but available career paths now opening up for nurses.

Do you really want him in your life?

fiventhree Mon 18-Feb-13 10:54:36

And AF is right- no way would I tolerate secrecy now. In fact, giving up any signs if possible secrecy has to be the number one deal dealer from day one after discovery.

meditrina Mon 18-Feb-13 11:39:02

What you might find is a biggie is how well he's treating you now. For if he felt love and respect and was prepared to act considerately, why wasn't he doing this all along?

It's a huge area of conflict in an attempted reconciliation.

Meanwhile, for as long as you are under the same roof, make sure he really is pulling his weight as a co-parent, and get yourself time to go and do the things that will strengthen you - whether that's wailing with a good friend, or rediscovering activities that make you feel good but which the demands of children all too easily squeeze out from daily life.

garlicbreeze Mon 18-Feb-13 11:45:37

Hi, ImverySad. AF's reply earlier was for you: "He keeps his phone and internet use from you because he is up to no good. Going off his previous behaviour, I think that is obvious." Sadly, your husband is an overbearing, cruel man who believes he has absolute rights over you while owing you nothing, not even respect or honesty. A lot of what posters have written on this thread could apply to you, too.

CockBollocks Mon 18-Feb-13 12:00:11

See a solicitor and make him leave - sorry but I dont think you can go back from this.

If its contact with the tiny baby you are worried about then maybe you could agree to him coming to you for that?

I really think the combination of everything he's done is just too much to forgive - how dare he be annoyed with you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now