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Being cheated on, staying together??

(11 Posts)
newbiefrugalgal Sat 16-Feb-13 09:21:25

Today I'm feeling blue sad
-not harmful just sad-

Mid Last year I discovered my partner of ten years and two DC had been having an affair. One that has been going on for two years.

Without all the details, I've let him back in my life.
Things are good between us but that's only because I put to the back of my mind.
We havnt really talked much about it since the early days.
I'm really not sure if my motivation to stay together is because I love him or because of the DC and keeping the family together.
Maybe valentines day this week really made me think about love.
How do you know you are in love?
Anyone else been in this situation?

newbiefrugalgal Sat 16-Feb-13 09:22:35

Oops forgot a title?

kalidanger Sat 16-Feb-13 09:30:26

Have you got another thread running at the moment?

Cornflowerdreams Sat 16-Feb-13 09:41:55

St Valentine's day always gets me thinking about love, romantic love, long term love and the sorts.

I think true love is not the kind of love you feel when you are infatuated and all is new and perfect. Real love is being able to love that person after you've seen and gone through all the no so perfect bits.

You're probably still grieving a loss in your relationship. You have been through unfaithfulness and now want a new start. Obviously, I'm not in a position to give you advice whether your husband is really worth a new try or not.

All I can say that being in a solid relationship is being able to cope with "metaphorical" birth and death within that relationship. Only going through the motions you'll see a true "rebirth" in the future.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 16-Feb-13 09:48:43

"Things are good between us but that's only because I put to the back of my mind. "

Sadly, if you ignore the truth and live a lie it'll make you miserable in the long-run. Not immediately but, as you're finding out as time wears on, you'll regret that you settled for being second choice. Two years was not some casual fling. Everyone facing up to the truth & dealing with it properly may make you more miserable in the short-term but it's necessary.

Love is not a rational or reasonable thing ... if you're not sure you love someone then chances are you probably don't.

newbiefrugalgal Sat 16-Feb-13 09:49:10

Kal -no not a current thread? What's it called ? Maybe I should pop over and join in.

newbiefrugalgal Sat 16-Feb-13 09:52:13

Cog-that's what I'm afraid of. Settling now and being miserable in the long run!

How do people cope when the 'D' P wants to stay together?
Part of me wishes he walked away from us and then the decision would be made.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 16-Feb-13 09:56:15

You cope by working out what you want rather than thinking you have to row in with what he wants. He forfeited the right to run your relationship by having affairs and betraying your trust. You were probably too shocked and upset when the truth came out to decide what to do for the best. You may even have been grateful he wanted to stick around because you didn't fancy the idea of being a single parent and all that entails. Now you've had chance to think... what do you want?

'Coping' means taking control and making yourself #1 priority. Not him.

newbiefrugalgal Sat 16-Feb-13 11:05:58

I don't know what I think and I have that feeling of numbness like I'm back to when I first discovered it all.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 16-Feb-13 11:16:05

Then my usual advice, if that's the case, is to ask the other person to step out of the picture for a while. Give yourself time and opportunity to really think about the future, what you want and how you want to progress without having the person who has caused all the problems 'in your face', influencing your thinking and manipulating your emotions. Make a reasonable assessment about what life is like when you're not trying to put things to the back of your mind and forget it ever happened. Allow yourself the chance to work through your emotions properly.

If he genuinely wants your relationship to continue he will respect you enough to allow you some breathing room. If you decide that you would like to give it another try then you can go the route of counselling and full disclosure... so that he comes back on your terms, not the other way around.

newbiefrugalgal Sat 16-Feb-13 11:29:15

Cog you are right, I do need him to give me space, it never really happened so perhaps I need to rethink current living arrangements (he comes here every other night) and act more like a separated couple for awhile. A new house and new school have meant many around us don't really know what has gone on.
DC don't know anything and just think he works away on those evenings.

If its meant to be then this space and time will tell.
Thanks for your thoughts -much appreciated

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