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bunny boiler !!!!(31 Posts)
Dh and I have been married a year.
Dh has as son age 3 who on the only day of the week I finish early I pick him up from nursery.
We recently got a puppy. Dh has nagged and nagged saying I must take it to puppy training, so found one on the night I pick dss up from nursery bear in mind he finishes at 3 and the class starts at 6.
Anyways I said I was going and that I would take dss with me but dh said no its too late for him. Dh has a routine of going to the gym on a Thursday night, so I said maybe he could finish 15 mins early at gym to get back to let be go to the class , well it was like I was asking the impossible . I got called a bunny boiler, he said im not happy , we need to talk wtf is going on with him!
today got an unexpected bill he has just hit the roof, saying he works constantly and gets no where ! Will this ever get better ? I feel like im not god enough ! We both work long hours and money isn't tight! I don't see the problem he's been getting so worked up about the littlest things. I'm bed in tears because im fed up. I give everything to him and dss i don't think he relises that
Sorry for rant just needed to let it out.
Puppy: you should not have this! 1) DC is too young, and2) you both work. Get dog when child older & there is someone around the house more. ( I volunteer for a breed rescue charity.)
This will reduce conflict.
Frankly, from how you describe your "D"P, he is not a keeper, but that is for you to sort out, eventually. Good luck!
To me, he either looks like a completely selfish, overbearing & entitled prat or a man who's starting an affair.
Like a couple of previous posters, I thought of cheating due to the combination of Essential Gym Time and "bunny boiler". I thought maybe he's been moaning a bit about you to somebody, and maybe that person said you sound like a bit of a bunny boiler. So maybe he's making you a bunny boiler, in his mind, because the misconception is convenient to him.
As he's already moaning about money, too, steppy, I see this heading rapidly towards a full-length dramatisation of "Poor Man Just Wants A Decent Life (Is That Too Much To Ask?)" also known as "Women, They're Never Satisfied (They Make Your Life A Misery)". Cheating is an optional extra in this production; the outcome's the same either way.
I think you should cut your losses now, but I also think you don't want to yet. It's probably wise for you to put things sternly on the line first, so you know you're doing your best. It's unacceptable for him to refuse to take care of his own son. He should be sharing the puppy training with you - who's doing the walks and grooming, btw? - and he's out of order to moan about money. Have the hard talk, see how it goes.
Might be worth a chat with his ex, too - or were you the other woman?
Was it his idea to get the puppy? his idea YOU should take it to classes? and you pick us his son for him.... and then he is rude when you can't fit all his demands into your schedule... oh dear.
Wonder if he would cut his contact time down if he didn't have you to pick DS up or would this affect payments? Wonder why he split with the mum of the DS.
Calling you bunny boiler I suspect was a slip of the tongue and something he has called someone else...
I have not been very helpful on the advice front have I. I can tell you really like this guy and you like the family, dog and DS aspects. See how it goes. You are more `aware' now maybe you will notice more things and then you will know what to do. I just realised you are married, maybe he thinks you are all his to do as he wishes. I really wish you well, you sound like a really nice person trying to do the right thing.
the OTT reaction from him suggests his "fun" is being ruined by OP
what that "fun" consists of is highly suspect IMO, bearing in mind his choice of insult
Don't have much to add to the previous answers, except that it is highly recommended that all adults in the household attend dog training classes. It isn't up to just one member of the family to train a dog. He should probably be going too if possible.
Apart from that he sounds very unsupportive.
I hadn't thought of it from a cheaty pov.
I thought the term 'bunny boiler' was used, as he wanted to convey that for the OP to expect anything from him other than what he deigns to give, was her being controlling.
To expect him to look after his own son - controlling.
To even dare suggest he might give up 15 minutes of his precious time to make things easier for everyone - controlling.
No - she is to do as he expects, and prioritise his wants...and anything else is controlling. Hence 'bunny boiler'.
He's trying to insult and shame her into going along with arranging things so he is the main priority.
The big turd.
I think his choice of insult "bunny boiler" is very telling
"bunny boilers" to some blokes are women who give cheating men a hard time
perhaps not so inappropriate after all ???
What a selfish arse - he seems to get things on his terms doesn't he? He needs to sacrifice time at the gym in favour of his son and making things easier for you.
forget puppy training at this stage - as long as you teach the basics in the garden/house and allow the pup to be sociable and meet and play with other dogs, you should not have to take time out of your evenings for this if it is causing friction in your relationship.
sorry but I have to ask, why did you get a puppy if you both work long hours?
Another one interested to know what has provoked such a vitriolic response???
It's telling that he tries to wriggle out of his contact time by going to the gym in the first place.
Never mind making a fuss because he has been asked to leave the all important gym 15 minutes early to look after his own son.
He's an arsehole. Good luck!
His reaction is rather extreme considering you offered to take his son with you and it was only at his insistence that it was too late that you asked him to leave the gym a tiny bit early.
I would be wanting to know what was really behind his response.
He's being an entitled idiot.
But I am worried that you both work long hours and have just got a puppy.
He's a selfish control freak who is treating you like shit on his shoe .
Do you want a lifetime of this ? If not then theres only one thing you should be doing .
Set yourself free .
He is being completely ridiculous. It is great that you are building a relationship with his son but the fact that he gets to go to the gym while you pick his son up is unbelievable. Then there's the puppy......Iwould make a point by refusing to do either so that he gets a clear message about exaxtly what a twat he is being. If he can't see it/wont see it I would question the future of your relationship. He sounds like a very selfish person.
Sorry -strikethrough failure!! Meant
so he could bugger off to gym of course
Sounds like he roped you in to picking up his DS from nursery so he could bugger off to gym very early on in relationship - did you just accept that, not see why it was unreasonable (it's his contact time with his DS), or did he order you to do it & you complied? I think you need to reflect on how you found yourself in this position re Thursdays, and have a clear picture of how you want things to be, before you talk to him.
Not only the lack of respect is worrying. To call you a name like that shows a lack of intelligence. There was absolutly nothing bunny boiler-ish about the situation.
Yes, you should cut this behavior at the root. I'm afraid you can't change the way he is wired.
Don't put up with this bloody ridiculous nonsense from him. If you do put up with it, then this will be how your marriage will be.
It will be no fun to be in a marriage where you are so unappreciated.
Nip this in the bud, op. or you will live to regret that you didn't.
OP. your husband's reaction is so out of proportion considering the situation. To call someone a "bunny boiler" because you ask him to finish the gym 15 earlier and be involved in an activity that ultimately benefits his son is very disconcerting.
Obviously, he's the one who has serious issues and is projecting that into you.
People can be very hurtful in relationships and say things that are not fair and inappropriate to get the other half to react or to cause grief. I wouldn't worry too much if it's just a one off, though you should demand an apology.
If this behaviour keeps repeating itself in future, you might fall into a pattern of dysfunctionality that will put your marriage at risk.
You should cut this behaviour at the root. You've only been married for a year so there's plenty you can still do. Please talk to him, tell him how inappropriate he was, and that you will not have someone treating you like that for the rest of your life.
He should appreciate what you're doing for his son. Not many people out there are willing to spend and effort their time on other people's children. That's something he should be extremely grateful of.
Dearie me. Well...it's not good is it?
I'm going to echo Gin - what on earth does he mean by that?
So he spat his dummy out because you asked him to miss 15 minutes of his gym time so he can care for his son while you take the puppy to a training class?
Personally i think you need to start hitting the roof too, because he is treating you like the hired help, not his partner.
Tell him that from now on, on your one free afternoon of the week, YOU will be going to the gym. And the puppy, he wanted it. He can have the pleasure of overseeing the puppy's training.
Is he worth it though? Did you marry quite quickly after meeting?
You're married to him. What a ridiculous statement, to call your wife a bunny boiler. In that context, what does it even mean???? that you don't want to traipse around picking up his son and dropping off the puppy he wanted you to get on your own!
He seems to have a sense of entitlement, to more money, more free time? more favours being done for him!
to be honest, and maybe i'm being too harsh here, when I read that you've been married for a YEAR to a man who has a THREE year old son with some body else, I did a quick calculation that when he met you his son couldn't have been older than a year???? from one poor woman to the next poor woman??
No, you really shouldn't
and your partner's anger and cries of "bunny boiler" are probably to cover up the fact he is up to no good, and you are spoiling his fun
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