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What do I say to Dp?

(81 Posts)
Onceupon Fri 15-Feb-13 19:07:29

Dp has emailed me a reservation he made for me for a night away, by myself. I really don't want to go. The timing just doesn't suit.

I am actually quite upset as he did this before and I asked him not to. Mainly due to the fact that he works long hours and is busy with sports etc and I am expected to fit my free time in around what suits him. I am a sahm and have very little time to myself.

If we are going to spend this much money I would like to have a say in where I go and when.

The train and hotel are last minute, non refundable.

I feel like I have no control over my own life at all.

If he was trying to something nice he should have paid attention to what we have discussed before.

Maybe I sound ungrateful and didn't explain well but it is because he has gone and done something I clearly asked him not to and now I'll have to go as I can't waste all that money.

cloutiedumpling Sat 16-Feb-13 11:51:34

Do your kids wake you up through the night? If so, I'd go to the hotel, have a really early night and enjoy a long lie in with breakfast cooked.

Do you get enough time off from the kids? Maybe it'd help if you sat down and agreed times off that you'd both have individually without the kids. And then make sure that you take that time off, even if you just sit in a café drinking coffee.

badinage Sat 16-Feb-13 12:00:09

It would be a mild sort of headfuckery if the flowers/bottles of wine were ones he knew his wife disliked and he liked, which is the correct analogy, but that would still be headfuckery. And er....a lot of men actually like having the children to themselves you know, just like women. No-one said he was 'mental' (horrible term) or was wanting 'a rave' either. Just that this gift sounds more about what he wants than what his partner wants and that it's his manipulative way of getting what he wants without having to admit to it.

Can I go instead, op? Sounds heavenly, a bath and full nights sleep

<mother of colicky screaming 7 week old whose head hurts like fuckery>

Bubblegum78 Sat 16-Feb-13 19:38:10

1) He ignored your wishes.. not ok
2) It's controlling..stay at home
3) Has he ever thought about you both going away?

As you say, he has no idea about you these days, he basically does what he wants 7 days a week and then throws you a bone once in a while and pats himself on the back for being so clever.... NOT COOL.

He needs to really wake up to his behaviour and you going is perpetuating it, if you go he will do it again and again.

AnyFucker Sat 16-Feb-13 20:00:20

I think Op is currently sat silently fuming in a white fluffy dressing gown, eyeing up the bubbly and cursing her controlling husband

and reflecting on the fact that while most women would love a night in a hotel on their own, she does not and she told him this

but he forced her into it anyway

purrpurr Sat 16-Feb-13 20:01:01

Don't go, OP. Stay and have a straightforward, honest conversation. I really do not get why this is so impossible.

purrpurr Sat 16-Feb-13 20:02:52

Ahh shite, was the night away tonight? He sent you away on a Saturday night??? WTF?

AnyFucker Sat 16-Feb-13 20:09:29

Yes, it was tonight

he sent her away on a sat night

he's done it before

she keeps going along with it, despite telling him she doesn't want to do it and they can't really afford it

some respondents think it is sweet

I think it is frankly fucking weird

How did he force her? Did he drive her there and shove her into the hotel?

If I didn't want to do something, I wouldn't do it. Simple.

Op said she is not scared of her H, so why go if she really didn't want to?

You need to stand up for yourself op, otherwise your H will keep doing it.

Busybusybust Sat 16-Feb-13 20:17:28

It is fucking weird AF. Why would he think that Op would want to spend a night totally n her own? That is really weird! It sounds to me that he is punishing her -rather than rewarding her for her hard work.

noddyholder Sat 16-Feb-13 20:19:32

It is controlling in your situation but I would LOVE it.

AnyFucker Sat 16-Feb-13 20:20:18

If I didn't want to do something, I wouldn't do it. Simple.

That's lovely for you.

Now I am an assertive person, but I do at least recognise that there are more ways to "force" someone than bundle them in a car and drive them somewhere

Op posted the question "what do I say to my DP?"

there is an unhealthy dynamic in her relationship

she has tried to assert herself previously and it has fallen on deaf ears

however, there is a good chance the OP will come back and say she had a lovely time, and her partner has her best interests at heart, he is of course a fantastic bloke and a brilliant partner and I will look like a dick like I often do on these threads

until the next thread the OP starts, that is

carlywurly Sat 16-Feb-13 20:21:12

I'm with badinage and af, this is just bizarre, controlling behaviour. I wouldn't find it sweet, I'd be highly suspicious of why I'd been conveniently dispatched away from home.

If he'd organised for the two of you to be away it would be different, or even got your friends involved but this is all just odd IMO.

AnyFucker Sat 16-Feb-13 20:24:01

I wonder how old OP's children are, and what will happen when they reach an age where they can report where they really spent the weekend when mummy was dispatched off to fuck knows where

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ill admit, the first thing I thought was has he got someone coming over? As it seems quite sudden and forceful.

If I were op I would get a taxi back without telling him and see what's really going on.

carlywurly Sat 16-Feb-13 20:30:39

When my xh did this (except it was my grandads funeral I was 400 miles away for, he booked the flights and made sure I could go) i later found out his ow came 300 miles to my home to spend the weekend. My dc's were there, aged 3 and 1. the eldest had language delay and was not verbal enough to be able to tell me.

I will never ever forgive the fucker for exploiting that situation, me and the dc's. angry

AnyFucker Sat 16-Feb-13 20:31:41

carly, that is fucking disgusting behaviour from him angry

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess Sat 16-Feb-13 20:37:42

I think it's really weird too confused

carlywurly Sat 16-Feb-13 20:37:58

Af, I remember you saying that at the time smile

It was the lowest point, and has made me the more assertive (and cynical) person I am today, but I do vividly remember swearing on here that xh was just hardworking and stressed, and would never cheat.

Op, I really hope your dh is acting in good faith. Sorry for projecting, but I just can't help thinking this rings alarm bells.

purrpurr Sat 16-Feb-13 20:39:55

None of this stacks up. Op, are you in a relationship with your DP, or are you more like staff?

AnyFucker Sat 16-Feb-13 20:43:30

oh, carly...I hope you are in a better place now (I reckon you are..)

Lueji Sat 16-Feb-13 20:44:49

I haven't been cheated on (to my knowledge) and I am usually very trusting in that respect.

Yet, my first thought on this was: why does he want to be alone on this particular day?

And it screams of controlling, particularly after the OP saying she didn't want this again.

Plus it's not really nice to be sent away on your own.

And why a night, not a day at a spa, or something like that? hmm

carlywurly Sat 16-Feb-13 20:47:45

Very much in a better place, thank you grin

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