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Confront or wait? Possibly very screwed up situation.

(22 Posts)
loveawispa Thu 14-Feb-13 22:45:42

This could be long as I want to give you the whole picture so I can get the best advice from you all.

I have been with H for just over 6 years, married just over 2 and have a 22 month old DD. H is from ME but lives in UK (all my family in UK too). Most of his family are in ME however he has a couple of cousins and a Brother in Europe.

Brother in was arrested a year ago as he stupidly transported drugs between two countries and after failed appeals he has been sentenced to 7 years in prison. He has a European wife and 3 kids (7,5,and 18 months).SIL got in touch to inform H, about a month after (this was first we knew about situation) and she asked for money to help out while she applied for help form the government. She asked for 1,500 Euros and I stupidly persuaded H to send it (he was going to send half) as I felt bad for her.
A month after she asked for another 200 Euros and asked for my H to send 200 Euros a month saying i need to buy milk and food for children. H spoke with his brothers and it was decided that between them they would do this to help her out.
In the summer an old friend of H got in touch and said that she basically spent money like it grew on trees. Apparently she was given 5000 Euros probally earned from previous drug runs that a friend was keeping for my BIL an had managed to spend it in around 4 months on designer belts costing 100 euros each for her two eldest and various other shit. H has spoken to BIL since his arrest and apparently she made huge demands on him for money and this is why he turned to transporting drugs so he could keep her happy (not so happy now eh?)

I am disgusted with SIL, BIL wants to be with her and has asked his brothers to send her the 200 Euros a month. I think they should not but not my decision. She is very patchy with contact. will only really call or answer/return calls when it is nearing start of the month (when money is sent) or if she wants extra money. I have voiced my opinion to H about her on many occasions but it seems that everyone is willing to ignore the fact that she is partly to blame foe BIL being in prison. She had 5000 Euros and pissed it up the wall instead of taking the 200 Euros she needs every month, putting financial pressure on the family in ME, as they don't have much money and on H and I as well.

H has just returned from visiting her and the DNs for a few days. I did not want to go despite him practically begging me to.

About a month ago H opened a FB account as a couple of family members in ME have one and were pestering him to open one too so they can share pics as we only see them once or maybe twice a year. SIL also has a FB account and they are friends on it. H recently got a new car and he had taken some pics and he asked me today to put them on FB as his Brother and Nephew wanted to see it. I snooped and saw a private message from SIL to H saying ' I am sorry for my action. I am feel I am alone. It was me and I hope you still speak with me' . H has written back, 'I know you are lonely but only I can control my actions. I will call you tomorrow night after 9.'

SIL English is not the best and the message is not very direct so some guess work is needed but if what is going on in my head is correct this is so screwed up. H has his own business and works 4pm-3am, we have cameras which we can view from home pc. I was watching camera from just before 9 and H was on phone from 9:15 until 9:30 in the upstairs storage/staff area (so alone). If only we had microphones too.

If i mention SIL it more often than not turns to bickering so I am thinking sneak his phone tomorrow morning and see the number he was calling which still won't be 100% he clued her as he uses a calling card to phone her and other family members so just the calling card number will showed up as being called and that could be to anyone. Then ask him- which will cause argument based on me guessing.

Or do I still check phone but wait it out and keep an eye for any more messages?

It is unusual for him to leave shop floor for a call and I did get a valentines card and present (nothing big) but he hardly remembers valentines/birthdays and would forget his DOB if it was not on his passport!

What would you wise ladies do?

ImperialBlether Thu 14-Feb-13 22:56:18

That does sound very troubling. In your position I think I would bide my time. Do you have screenshots of the messages?

Just as an aside, if you can see him, could he see that you were on FB (from the cameras)?

If he can't physically see her at the moment, I think you can afford to wait a while. You could record him via a phone, but you might not want to go down that route and besides, you'd have to know when he was going to call.

Why is your home filmed? And why does he work such odd hours?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 14-Feb-13 23:00:39

BIL wants to be with her and has asked his brothers to send her the 200 Euros a month. I think they should not but not my decision.

It is your decision too, though, since any money that your H sends to SIL is family money that could go to your DC, your home, your savings... This affects you and DC too, financially!

As for the suspected infidelity, I defer to other posters.

loveawispa Thu 14-Feb-13 23:08:07

I don't know how to do screen shots but i will take a pic of it on my phone in case they are later deleted.

The cameras are in shop (a kebab shop, hence odd hours) and set up so the can be view live from home. It is also set up that it is recorded and stored for 30 days on a box in the shop. we have this so we can keep eye on shop when H is off and so if any fighting (usually from drunk customers on a fri and sat) in or outside shop is recorded should police need it. He cannot see me at home.

He asked me to put pics on as he is crap at computers and internet.

You are right that they will not be physically together so no rush really. I don't know how long I can keep quiet for and how to act 'normal'

loveawispa Thu 14-Feb-13 23:20:08

HotDAMN That is my point I have repeated until I am blue in the face.

However other Brothers contribute what they can and business is doing well ATM but you don't know what tomorrow brings. H says that we don't go with out with out the money- this is true I suppose, DD and I have everything we need and I have my own savings, DD has savings account

Its the fact that everything always seems to be broken and needs replacing/fixing that causes the problems. Plus the point that she could have used the 5000 Euros she wasted to take out 200 Euros a months from. When I was really pissed about that I worked out that she had enough to last for 25 months.

<tries to bury obvious bitterness>

Monty27 Thu 14-Feb-13 23:43:28

I can smell a rat.

BerylStreep Fri 15-Feb-13 00:34:08

She sounds manipulative.

Hissy Fri 15-Feb-13 00:40:11

You are being scammed by this woman, she is using every trick in the book.

Its what they do. I used to live in Egypt, EVERYONE we met had a sad story they trotted out, almost as soon as you say hello and introduce yourself.

They will see you as rich, because you are here, and stupid, again, because you are here.

SHe HAD the money, she blew it. She ought to be working out how to pay you BACK, with the cash her H made illegally.... not asking you to set up a standing sodding order.

Hissy Fri 15-Feb-13 00:45:43

If she is from there, and you are from here... you are fair game. Your H HAS money, her's is banged up, this is self preservation and as a westerner, you don't count.

In the ME, women are often picked up and discarded, the only way some can get someone to provide for them is the oldest way known. She'll be promising him the stars the moon and the sun. I had it a million times with my ex. Young women offering their virginity, telling him that I'd never do this that and the other, that only THEY knew how to take care of their men... All because they wanted to be kept by someone.
It's a tragic state of affairs, but I have seen the lengths to which some will go to get what they want.

We have NO idea about life in other places mostly.

Hissy Fri 15-Feb-13 00:47:13

My advice? Bide your time. Refuse to allow money to be sent.

loveawispa Fri 15-Feb-13 01:43:35

My SIL is European Hissy however maybe she could have been from ME in a previous life and traces are permeating into this one!?

I enjoyed your comment .... not asking you to set up a sodding standing order I will be storing that for later use.

Wonders if I can ask bank not to send money without both of our permission? (we have joint account)I have a couple of weeks before it will be sent again so will be using that time to find out if thats possible.

I think it will be better to bide my time maybe some more messages will appear.

Bogeyface Fri 15-Feb-13 01:51:53

Sounds like she offered herself up for money and he said no. Just my take on it.

Internationaltraveller Fri 15-Feb-13 02:14:17

Next time he goes, go with!

Monty27 Fri 15-Feb-13 02:24:55

Yep get yourself over there and find out tell her how it is.

She wouldn't be getting my money.

crescentmoon Fri 15-Feb-13 07:11:04

i feel very sorry for you in your situation, its not unusual to find someone who asks their husband's relatives for support when it is needed in the ME, and there are cases where they ask too much. but trying to seduce her BIL to what? leave his wife and shack up with her? there are too many inhibitions against that kind of thing in ME culture.i feel you are maligning a whole race of people saying that this European wife of your BIL must have been ME in another life to be prostituting herself out for money.

Hissy Fri 15-Feb-13 07:38:38

Crescentmoon, there are "official' inhibitions, but in reality, its another ballgame. Egypt is depraved tbh, the stuff I've seen with my own eyes, in terms of the plight of women and children there is everyday, but sickening.

Don't believe the hype.

Op, this woman did offer herself, sounds like he refused her tho. This time. Call the bank' but if there's a cash card, don't think you can stop it taking cash out.

Your best option is to get the info you need, keep it safe, then sit him down ans ask him what happened, say to him that you know more than he thinks, so be honest, there's never going to be a problem if he tells you the absolute bald truth.

Hissy Fri 15-Feb-13 07:42:41

I think she's trying to get him into a position so she can blackmail him.

He's already passed her first test, to keep this a secret.

MadBusLady Fri 15-Feb-13 08:09:38

Wonders if I can ask bank not to send money without both of our permission? (we have joint account)

As far as I know, every bank will do this, yes.

Leaving aside the possible infidelity (I'm not sure what's going on there, it doesn't look cut and dried, Bogeyface coule be right), I think you are justified in being furious about this. It's not bitterness at all. This is YOUR family money she is spending on expensive clothing, it is totally irrelevant that you "don't go without". You both work hard at home and in the business, if you have spare money at the end of the month then that's yours to treat yourself with or save for your DD.

Do you know if SiL has access to support networks/benefits in the country where she and her DCs live? Would be terrible to leave her DCs without anything, obviously, but if she's European and in a European country she should have other options as a single parent with a husband in prison.

crescentmoon Fri 15-Feb-13 08:31:37

Those socieities have polygamy so that's the minimum set up a single woman going after a married man would want as even poor women hold out for marriage. Iv heard of that type of thing hissy such cases of ME men having western first wives then ME second wives. But a woman making a play for her husbands rich brother that is very unusual. It's a shame culture more likely she would be heavily making them out to look poor, or very abject, needing money, or nagging her husband to ask them for money etc. and many women gnash their teeth about in laws that constantly ask for financial support. Yes when u are in the west they think the streets are paved with gold and some cultures not just your immediate relatives but people will come out of the woodwork saying 2nd 3rd cousins also with a sob story. The greedy grasping SIL is worldwide but not the predatory SIL.

I agree with earlier posters that it sounds like she tried something but he refused her. But she might plan to work away at his defences, because she probably thinks he's successful and able to support his own family and still send a large amount (if she's Eastern European) over to where she is. Rather than her own husband whose in prison and even when he comes out will have very reduced financial opportunities. She sounds like she wants disposable money to finance her wannabe lifestyle not just in abject poverty.

There's a ME saying 'when you smell something bad approaching your house shut the door before it comes in'.
In a society where polygamy is possible the advice is about making your husband appear too financially burdened to be able to support another wife. those women who would go after a married man want to be kept, their children looked after, property and wealth to inherit afterwards. In that sense they are mercenary- it's to be a second wife not necessarily to get rid of the first wife. but this woman is from a society where promiscuity is common not polygamy.

So advice is slightly different. dont accuse him and don't watch and wait either- that gives her more of a chance to build an emotional relationship/reliance with him. Take over the whole process of sending money to her, be in the middle instead of her calling him up she has to call you up. You might have to pretend to be ultra sympathetic initially, make her feel she'd get more money from you than him. Redirect the calls to your phone. YOU call her regularly to see how the kids and her are. Send her messages from his Facebook saying hi how are you.
Get DH to send money to the kids separately from sending it to her if possible.

Or you could confront, say you suspect she is out to destabilise your own marriage and give DH an ultimatum that he can't have anything to do with her anymore. If this would work you don't need to bother with the long strategy. But it sounds like she's really wriggled her way on to the priorities of all the brothers not just your own DH.

Hissy Fri 15-Feb-13 10:22:31

"But a woman making a play for her husbands rich brother that is very unusual."

Not as unusual as you'd think. My ex has been offered other men's wives in front of me, the understanding is that ther's a new dress, a mobile phone in it etc etc...

Scratch the surface of these so called societies and you see the reality of the day to day, and it's far from pretty.

Whatever it is that this woman is up to, it's not right.

I think taking over the money sending is potentially a brilliant idea! smile she'd not be prostrating herslef at the OP then!

loveawispa Fri 15-Feb-13 11:27:55

Hi everyone thanks for your answers.

Hissy I have seen you speak about you own experiences of the ME a number of times on MN and I completely understand and recognise what you are saying. Even though I have never lived in H's country we visit every 6-8 months so I have a picture of what life is like.

I took H's phone this morning and he was had called the calling card number which we use to call people overseas, however this could have been to any family member but I am sure it was to SIL as the messages said after 9pm and I saw him in the staff area where he would 9 times out of 10 not be there for phone call.

I have been to the bank this morning. I have removed her bank details which are stored and requested that no transfers take place without joint permission, this however doesn't stop him sending cash withdrawn via hole in wall via western union. I have also 'lost' the paper we have at home with her bank details on. Just to make it harder for money to be sent.

I have been thinking on the messages and I am thinking that maybe she tried something as she says sorry for my action, that she feels alone and that it was her. This makes me think that she tried something on as she's lonely. That obviously is not acceptable however I could forgive that if H was come on to but its the fact that he has said nothing, I got valentines gift (which is unusual) and that he has responded that he knows she is lonely but only he can control his actions- this statement says to me that he didn't stop immediately or at all whatever happened.

There have been no further messages. I think I will wait it out until middle of next week to see if anything further comes up and talk about the sending of money too.

SIL is Dutch and lives in Holland and I did look a number of months ago online for benefit rates. They seem reasonable to me so it is a case of want not need. I did point out that she cannot be the only single parent of 3 kids in the country, and that as far as I am aware there is not a large number of single mums with 3 kids starving and on the street.

Rest of the family are truly wonderful people who are very dear to me and they hardly ask for anything. we do send money for Eid and when we visit we help those in his family who need it, H's mum needed new metal gate for the compound, a new washing machine for another BIL and some clothes/shoes for some of the DNs. Its lucky the don't all ask for/expect money as my H is 1 of 21 kids (father has 2 wives) so could be very expensive!

crabbyoldbat Fri 15-Feb-13 18:04:37

Assuming English is not your husband's first language, his message to her sounds like he's saying that he CAN control himself (and therefore didn't do anything when she came on to him). I'd be looking for an opportunity to lead the conversation round to her and her behaviour in a subtle way and giving him an opportunity to come clean about it.

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