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friends, huh?! Long post, sorry

(47 Posts)
DoctorWhoFan Thu 14-Feb-13 13:46:59

My friend snd I have been friends for nearly 7 years. She recently got completely the wrong end of the stick over something I said. As I tend to be a pretty conciliatory soul and don't like conflict (that story belongs in the Stately Homes thread) I very politely explained to her that she'd misunderstood me.

Since then, I've heard nothing from her. She read the message, but hasn't bothered to reply.

She and I have history. She was renting my spare room in London, at such a low amount that it didn't even cover her share of the bills, but she was on a low wage, and I reasoned we were friends, and she'd do the same for me. To cut a bit out, which isn't too relevant, we moved to the East Mids together to get a fresh start as we both disliked London and felt our lives were stagnating. She moved up before me as I was waiting on my house sale. However, she was going to have no money when she moved up as she would have a month to wait for her salary.

After finding her in tears, I gave her £600 from my redundancy money so she would be ok for the first month.

A few months later just before i moved up, i asked her to look after £500 for me so i had a bit of

DoctorWhoFan Thu 07-Mar-13 12:45:34

We were still friends when I got the dog back. The issue has occurred since then.

NC is hardly any different than normal. We would probably not have retained contact had she not been looking after my dog. It has always been me to make the contact. She never called me once the whole time she was looking after him. The contact has always been from my end. I just don't understand why she couldn't have the decency to reply to the message I sent her then at least we could put the issue to bed, but I just don't see why I should keep chasing her. It's exhausting.

Thank you for your "comments" onthelastleg, MOST appreciated. I'm not asking you to be friends with me, and I have been a good friend to her over the years that we have known each other, so stop being so judgemental. She didn't have to look after the dog. She OFFERED. I had other friends who were glad to take him but she wanted to because we had been sharing a house and she loved him dearly.

Hahahaha Whocansay - tap me for cash LMAO! That gave me a giggle! I'm on DLA and ESA and unable to work due to my mental health issues so have much less cash than they do, but it wouldn't surprise me if she tried LOL!

BerylStreep Thu 07-Mar-13 12:38:53

I think you need to work on your boundaries a bit. I don't lend money to friends or family, or get them to 'look after it'.

This is the root of this entire situation - poor boundaries.

Walkacrossthesand Thu 07-Mar-13 08:48:45

I can understand you not wanting to be frankly rude, if her OH is putting much-wanted work your DPs way and you don't want to jeopardise that - do you know how much influence your (ex) friend has over her OHs business world? How did you get your dog back - did you have to see ex-F then, or did OH do the handover? From what I can make out, the £500 you parked with her was inappropriately spent but you got it back indirectly via her paying a greater rent share for a bit, right? So now the issue is her attitude to money, fairness & friendship. Do you feel better for NC?

Whocansay Thu 07-Mar-13 08:27:51

I did wonder if they think that because your DP is getting work from her OH's friend, maybe they can tap you for some cash? Maybe this is why they're being pushy?

Just a thought. Either way, I'd be inclined to text back with a dismissal or ignore completely.

onthelastlegtohome Thu 07-Mar-13 07:41:21

I think looking after your dog for 9 months was a big act of friendship even if you paid the bills - the least you could do. She still had to take it for walks, clean up after it etc, you don't seem to be grateful at all " She knows I'd have ripped her limbs off with my teeth if necessary..." NICE (not) what sort of person are you?
i am totally confused by your accounts of the money who owes who what, but anyway, can you move on from that? "the money thing, but it's 3 years in the past"

"Since then, I've heard nothing from her. She read the message, but hasn't bothered to reply." Your apparent hurt conflicts with "I've stood my ground plenty in this relationship. I think that is partly the reason she is getting her OH to make the contact as she is too scared to talk to me herself cos she knows she's going to get an earful!"
I can't think why she wants to be friends with you, I wouldn't!

You're separate now, so neither can hurt each other with money/dogs whatever, meet somewhere neutral, keep it cool but civil and friendly, and bury the past.

just text back 'No thanks' and leave it at that.

Snazzynewyear Wed 06-Mar-13 01:33:34

I would reply 'I'm afraid that doesn't work for us, sorry'. Make it clear that lunch is not a goer but don't get into anything else via text. It's just not the best way.

DoctorWhoFan Tue 05-Mar-13 15:46:29

Yup, dog safely back home and happy. She wouldn't have tried to hang onto him. She knows I'd have ripped her limbs off with my teeth if necessary to get him back home! He's 12 this year, and I've had him since he was 10 weeks old. He was only staying with her because I was struggling to find somewhere to live that would accept a dog, and my terrible credit rating. I eventually got lucky.

So far I haven't replied to her OH's message, and I think I'll leave it that way. But if he contacts me again, then I'll have to lay it on the line.

SnowSeaandMotorboats Tue 05-Mar-13 15:26:49

Do you have your dog back? If you don't I'd do nothing to upset her until he's back safe with you. Else she may decide to hang onto him...

WeAreEternal Tue 05-Mar-13 14:26:35

Just ignore the messages, they will get the message eventually.

DIYapprentice Tue 05-Mar-13 14:21:34

You should reply 'Why don't we make it lunch at yours?' and see what you get back.

DoctorWhoFan Tue 05-Mar-13 14:14:18

She did use the money to go to gigs. When you say her side of the story might be rather different to mine, what do you mean? I may be being a bit thick here, cos a bit medicated today as having a rough time with the bipolarity at the minute...

RosyRoo Tue 05-Mar-13 14:12:43

I thought she used the money to go to gigs? Her side of this story might be rather different to yours.

DoctorWhoFan Tue 05-Mar-13 14:04:57

Oh no Beck, I've stood my ground plenty in this relationship. I think that is partly the reason she is getting her OH to make the contact as she is too scared to talk to me herself cos she knows she's going to get an earful!

I'm not OK with the money thing, but it's 3 years in the past and there's nothing I can do about that now. I won't get it back because she can't afford to pay it back, and in any case, it was used to pay rent at the time. My issue with the money is that she spent it without discussing it with me until I moved up here and then she hit me with it.

My issue now is that she is avoiding talking to me and getting her OH to make the contact thinking that makes it ok. WRONG!

BeckAndCall Tue 05-Mar-13 13:53:45

So the issue is, you think they're being rude in asking themselves over for lunch? THAT'S your issue with them? Think you might be missing the big picture here! You are OK with the whole money thing but the etiquette of inviting themselves for lunch is a problem?

I wonder if they see you as pushover as you've never stood your ground - and now you're deciding to take a stand. Which you should, btw. This might be your catalyst for changing your relationship here.

Whocansay Tue 05-Mar-13 13:45:05

In that case, be honest. Message back that you no longer wish to have contact as your (ex) friend will not return the money she stole. If you say it matter-of-factly they have no come back.

DoctorWhoFan Tue 05-Mar-13 13:40:02

LOL! It IS very tempting...but my DP has been getting a fair bit of work from her OH's friend...and we really need the money so I don't want to jeopardise that. FFS, I just want these people out of my life. I have nothing in common with them, and I don't want them in my house. They're not welcome.

Whocansay Tue 05-Mar-13 13:36:25

Text back "fuck off you sponging bastards". That should do it.

DoctorWhoFan Tue 05-Mar-13 13:33:09

Oh for goodness sakes...he's messaged me again. My DP suggests I call them and tell them outright to fuck off (basically, but maybe word it a bit better LOL!). I don't see why I should make the effort tbh, why should it be MY phone bill? I just don't want to keep receiving messages from her OH trying to invite themselves over when she hasn't had the decency to reply to me. Oh FFS this is really getting on my tits...any suggestions?

DoctorWhoFan Fri 15-Feb-13 07:37:49

Thank you all ladies. I did feel angry and used, and I thank you all for clarifying that I wasn't overreacting

I have decided to ignore the message from her partner as I don't want to jeopardise my DP getting work from his friends. Plus I really don't want to get into any kind of slanging match. Too tiring and a waste of time. Plus, I'm better than that.

Thank you all.

RachaelH1983 Thu 14-Feb-13 22:20:16

U sound like u have been thro a lot ok she looked after ur dog but I think that's the least she could do. I don't understand how she could sit back + watch u sell ur belongings becuz she had spent the money she was ment to b looking after for u. Knowing the situation u was in as well its terrible. She sounds like a very selfish person + I'm guessing the avoiding texts/calls is becuz she knows what a shit friend she has been. U sound lovely + she was lucky to have such an understanding friend. She took advantage of ur kindness. U owe it to urself to ignore her + her partner. I hope u + ur dp enjoy country life + live happily ever after. Life is too short for SO called FRIENDS like that x

I would text back and say you are not around at the weekend. And if they do turn up on Sunday don't cook or make any lunch for them.

If they say anything just keep repeating that you can not afford to feed them.

Whocansay Thu 14-Feb-13 17:33:24

I wouldn't feel the slightest bit guilty. She's a nasty piece of work and must need a hell of a chiropractor, with that brass neck.

Ask for your money back or ignore altogether.

DoctorWhoFan Thu 14-Feb-13 16:28:52

I think I'm just going to ignore her partner's message as she did with mine, and I suspect that may well be that. To be honest at the moment I don't have the energy for much else as my antipsych meds have me so drugged that I can hardly put one foot in front if the other. I really don't need any more shit to deal with right now sad

DoctorWhoFan Thu 14-Feb-13 16:25:01

And don't worry, I don't financially owe her anything. I feel I owe her for taking care of my stinky old dog, bless him, but other than that, I don't owe her jack.

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