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My Husband is taking All my Salary and Only Gives me enough Allowance for Food!

(262 Posts)
ImverySad Thu 14-Feb-13 07:25:41

Hi Everyone,

Im just hoping if anyone could help me with a piece of advise.

I am married for 3 yrs plus now, and I've been working for nearly 1/2 year now, My husband is taking all my salary since then, and he only gives me little money for my food. He scolds me everytime I overspend a bit even for a food. And if I ask him to buy me something, sometimes he will buy but most of the time not, and he just tell me this is not good for me.etc..

In normal days when I buy food for the two of us, he will always ask me how much the food costs, and where is the change, and would ask me to calculate the spending and the money left, and I have to return the change to him.

Sometimes he treatens not to give me more money because i always overspend. I would cry feeling helpess and sad coz i feel that im losing my selfworth and confidence. he always tells me he loves me and how much i mean to him, but whenever he is angry, he will use all unneccessary words, such as,(you're bloody or f***G stubborn) and sometimes he would kick me.

I ask him why does he need to say hurtful words and kick me, he will say I deserve it for being stubborn and for not listening to him, and that I need to be discipline, I really dun understand as Im always obedient to him, i even stand up when he ask me to just for him to punish me by kicking me.

He is ok and romantic, sweet when he is not angry, but if he is angry, he always tell me there a limit to his patience, I feel so hurt, as i feel that he does not respect me. he controls evrything in the house. Sometimes Im thinking of leaving him, but i am sacred to do so. as all my salary goes to him. I do not have any savings.

I have my parents to look after too and want to help them by sending them some money, but most of the time I cannot help my parents as I dun have money, I have to ask my husbands permission first whether I can send some money to my parents, sometimes he will send money.

Is it right if my husbands continues to keep my salary? Is it a good Idea for me to move out frist and sort out my feelings? I love my husband and care a lot about him, but I feel that I cannot live with him anymore. I am very sad and confused for years now. I got no one to talk to as I do not have any family or relatives in this country except my husband.

Sometimes I prayed for myself to change and be patience towards him, but i am very tired and emotionally broken that I cant bring myself to talk to him.

What should I do...? what is the right thing for me to do without hurting anyone.?

Jux Tue 19-Feb-13 21:36:26

Just read your thread, Imverysad, and it has made me very sad to think of you so alone, with a man who thinks that it is OK to tell you to stand up so that he can kick you. I am so glad that you have found support here, and to read that you are making plans.

Keep strong, and know that there are people here thinking of you kindly and wishing you well, willing you on to carve out a good life for yourself.

You deserve a man who loves you. That means he cherishes you and respects you, and would dream of taking your money or hurting you. The time will come, my beautiful one.

ImverySad Wed 20-Feb-13 00:45:10

Jux, Thanks for your wonderful message, and yes, im a little bit stronger now as i am able to make plans on what to do next still a little afraid but i think making progress,(unlike before i didnt know that to do at all) thanks to all of your support from people here reading my stories and for taking the time to respond and advise me anf for the well wishes.

ImverySad Wed 20-Feb-13 01:07:31

Thanks! Abitwobblynow,

I met him through friends...I honestly hoping and praying that he will change, but sadly, I feel that he is really like that. sometimes i can feel that he is changing his behaviour a bit and being nice to me, but when he angry with something (even over a small things) he then start scolding me and sometimes can lead to 'asking me to stand up and he will kick me'

Yes Ive googled Lundy Bancroft:Should I stay or Should I go' Thankssmile
I've read a lot from his article and below are just one of the things Ive read about happening in my relationship with my H.

(•He is abusive, meaning that he engages in behaviors that tear you down, take your freedom away, or intimidate you.)

And there are a lot of things, and its getting clearer now that my H is really controlling and abusing me.

Thanks again Abitwobblynow..smile

Damash12 Wed 20-Feb-13 05:03:41

Oh my goodness, you need to leave Hun. Really you need to get yourself out of this terrible relationship and I can promise you a million times over you will be happier for the rest of your life. This is not normal behaviour and good, happy, loving relationships are not like this. Please find the strength to get out and see this terrible man for what he is.. A vile, pathetic, controlling, sadistic bully. You deserve better Hun.

ripsishere Wed 20-Feb-13 05:42:13

I am in Selangor, near KL Malaysia. If you need somewhere to hide for a couple of weeks, send me a PM.
I live very close to Subang airport where a lot of flights from SG arrive, also, if you wanted to get a coach, there is a stop at One Utama which is about 15 minutes drive away from me.
Think about it.

ImverySad Wed 20-Feb-13 05:53:06

Damash12: thanks for your comment and advise..smileyes i am sorting this out right now, figuring out what's the next thing to do. I feel like my head is going to explode soon..there's just too many things going on in my mind rught now.

ImverySad Wed 20-Feb-13 05:55:37

ripsishere : thanks for your concern...I can still manage, i will deal with this situation. your comment and advise is more than enough.

ripsishere Wed 20-Feb-13 06:14:36

The offer is ongoing. Very best of luck.

I somehow missed the part about him making you stand up so he could kick you. How nasty. sad

It really doesn't matter how "nice" or "romantic" he is the rest of the time. This man is not worthy of your love.

LIZS Wed 20-Feb-13 11:13:35

If you met through friends would those same people support you now ? How well did you know him or his family when you got together ?

garlicbreeze Wed 20-Feb-13 14:07:47

Rips, how kind!

ImverySad Thu 21-Feb-13 05:21:57

NotGoodNotBad, Yes. The Kicking part seldom happens nowadays, its only if he gets very angry..sad while on normal days when he has mood swing and gets naggy over a small things..he will use hand to slap (not on my face) but on the legs and on my hands. of course not forgetting the verbal abuse like, (youre so silly, youre so stupid, your so dumb, not forgetting the ;You are Bloody or f**ng this and that.' things like that.

LIZS: if i could do that, ive done long time ago but those friend who introduce him were not really a close friend, and we've lost contact. I've known him for 1/2 years before we got married.

Right now, i feel that he can sense a change of behaviour in me. Sometimes he would talk to me but sometimes he doesnt and if I ask him if he is ok..his reposnd was, OK. that means he is not.

ImverySad Thu 21-Feb-13 05:22:39

thznks ripsishere , for the info.

ImverySad Fri 22-Feb-13 03:21:41

Ive decided to leave my h in 2 weeks time, but right now im feeling very sad for him, i feel the he is so pitiful after he told me last night that, 'he is lonely and sad thinking that Ive change towards him.

I still love him very much and care about him, im so sad for my h and worried for him when i leave.. as he is also very stressed right now and he needs someone to talk and listen to him.

guys pls tell me what to do, im determine to move out at the same time my heart is bleeding after thinking those times that we've spend together and now im leaving him..im so worried for my h. pls pls pls guys tell me im not being cruel by leaving my h when right now he needss emotinal support from me.sad

ripsishere Fri 22-Feb-13 03:26:52

First of all, practical matters.
Have you sorted out your own bank account?
Do you have somewhere to live?
Do you have your own medical insurance sorted out? (mine is linked to DHs)
Secondly, you are the only one who knows whether you are right or not. In my opinion, it's the only thing you can do.
Good luck.

You are not being cruel. He treats you very badly and has no respect for you. He only treats you well for short periods to keep you and then shows you his true self each time he is nasty and kicks, smack, slaps you. No one should be treated that way, even if you were a horrible wife you wouldn't deserve such treatment.
Don't worry about him, he is an adult and can take care of himself, worry about yourself and take care of yourself, you sound very sweet and nice.

FellatioNels0n Fri 22-Feb-13 04:33:34

Don't worry about your husband, he will be fine. It's important that he knows exactly why you are leaving him though, so if you are planning on leaving a letter then do tell him that it's not because your feelings have changed towards him, but because he has disappointed you by turning out to be an abusive, controlling, manipulative bully who is turning you into a scared, lonely and unhappy person.

PurplePidjin Fri 22-Feb-13 05:28:14

"he is lonely and sad thinking that Ive change towards him"

He has caused this change. His behaviour has made this happen. He's a toddler having a tantrum because you won't do as you're told. If he loved you, truly and properly, he'd treat you with respect and this situation would never have happened.

izzyizin Fri 22-Feb-13 06:00:19

If an abusive man showed his true colours all of the time no woman would have anything to do with him.

Your h hides his abusive nature with periods in which he seems to care for you but what you need to realise is that men like him care only for themselves.

He's romancing you now because he thinks he could be at risk of losing you. This is how he keeps you hooked because you believe that he is Mr Nice who only becomes Mr Nasty when he's stressed or worried, whereas the truth is that he is Mr Nasty through and through and he only puts on his Mr Nice act to keep you in thrall to him.

Don't believe a word Mr Nice says. You've seen the face of Mr Nasty when he's venting his anger on you and this face is his real face - the face he'll show you time and time again if you are so foolish as to believe any of his lies and promises.

Don't feel sorry for him - feel sorry for yourself by having been taken in by a nasty man who isn't capable of loving you and who isn't worthy of your love.

AgathaF Fri 22-Feb-13 08:11:14

he is lonely and sad thinking that Ive change towards him - so it's still all about him then?

You really need to stop worrying about him. He is big enough to take care of himself. This is all of his own making, quite simply because he is a nasty, abusive person.

Please - look up, see your new life ahead and embrace it, without worrying about this selfish, revolting man.

ImverySad Fri 22-Feb-13 08:58:22

ripsishere ,thanks for your message,

I do not have any personal insurance that ties with my H, I only have insurance in the company i work for.

As for the bank account I will sort that out in one weeks time before i leave. anyway it is my own bank account which my ATM card that my H is controlling. Ive called the bank and ask them if I can change my PIN and card anytime, they said theres no problem.

As for the place for me to stay, still not confirm yet, but ive been asking my friends and colleagues to help me out.

Honestly speaking, i am fighting my heart and my mind is in a mess right now, my heart says, stop and dont leave while my mind says I have enough!

SquinkiesRule: Thanks for your message and advise.smile

FellatioNels0n: I know he can take care of himself, i just cant shake off the thought of him being alone..

PurplePidjin : You are right, he is the caused of this.smile thats why im in this state right now.

izzyizin thats why he is making it hard for me to leave, by romancing me and telling me how lonely he is.

AgathaF , I really wish i will put those feelings behind me and move on with my life witout feeling bad for my H.

Guys, I cant thank you enough,,thank for your time writing heresmile and responding quickly. May God Bless you all and have a happy weekend.

BanjoPlayingTiger Fri 22-Feb-13 09:08:47

You are bound to feel torn in two right now. You have put your heart and soul into this marriage and it hasn't worked - but that isn't your fault. Your husband hasn't put his heart and soul in to it and so you are left in a state of fear and worry.

You will probably mourn for the life you thought you were getting when you married. I would think this is normal.

You are making very positive steps. Keep reminding yourself that your husband feels lonely because of his actions. If he hadn't treated you so badly you would not need to leave. He has brought the consequences on himself.
If you hit and kicked your husband and denied him any pleasure would you expect him to stay?

Much love and strength to you over the coming weeks.

AgathaF Fri 22-Feb-13 09:19:39

Once you leave you will gain clarity of the real situation. In time you will look back and wonder how you ever put up with being treated in such an appalling way.

You've come a long way since first posting. You still have a way to go, but it's looking so much brighter for you.

Jux Fri 22-Feb-13 11:26:30

I am really impressed by the speed with which you are dealing with the awful situation you find yourself in.

Please don't worry about your h. He will find someone else to kick and steal from very quickly. I'm sorry, but this sort of person always does. He will spend some time trying to persuade you to come back first. He will be the perfect man and romance will flow, he will beg and plead, he will promise everything, he will cajole you in every way he can think of. But he will be exactly the same kicking thief he is now. Remember that. Do not go back to him. Remind yourself regardless of his blandishments and promises of how he has behaved in real life towards you. Read this thread over again if you fell yourself weakening. This is not how you want to live, is it?

Keep strong, my dear. You will find freedom and laughter and beauty at the end.

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