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He won't side with me

(22 Posts)
Merl0t Fri 15-Feb-13 20:37:08

BBCharlie others might disagree with me here now, but I think there are men who simultaneously love a strong woman and hate her at the same time! My x ended up being quite abusive to me and it has always baffled me as , although I probably had low self-esteem in some ways, I always challenged him. I was articulate, I may not have been as genuinely confident as people perceived me to be but i was an extrovert who could hold her own in any debate. He should have gone for an introvert with no confidence, it was only years later I realised that I was all talk and for all that I was outgoing and talkative, I was ALL TALK anddidn't have that much confidence. So, I was perhaps closer to the woman I thought he should have picked than I could recognise. I hope that makes sense. But the whole "STRONG woman come here til I break your spirit" is something that baffles me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 15-Feb-13 13:48:13

"Is there any way I can get him to be more 'on my team'?"

I'm sure he is easy-going. He sounds so laid back he's horizontal. hmm I doubt even threats would help. Unfortunately, the biggest mistake you can make in a realtionship is to go into it thinking 'it would be brilliant if he was different'. You have to either take people as you find them or walk away.

Cheeka Fri 15-Feb-13 13:42:04

My DH is like this. On a good day, I think he's just playing devils advocate.on
A bad day, he is incredibly draining and I end up not discussing anything just to avoid the inevitable row. People close to us have remarked that he takes the total opposite point of view to me as a matter of principle. Not sure why he does it. For matters such as parenting it is extremely irritating and makes things ten times more difficult. Eg I want to put a coat on DS as it's cold, he opposes me, says I'm fussing and that's it's tropical outside (in Feb)...that sort of thing...this is the minor stuff! I don't think he will ever change, I just got to accept it...I would think long and hard about settling down with him .If you rarely argue with him, how does that work if he won't side with you over issues?do you just drop the discussion?I'm probably going to get flamed for this but I saw the signs when we were going out but I took a chance and went along with marriage and children because I was so keen to settle down and have babies. Biological clock ticking and all that. I was 32 when we met...I dont regret my child and children to be,but i will have to say my life is a lot more hard with a DH who won't side with me and is not v supportive...

88Charlie Thu 14-Feb-13 19:10:32

I am naturally pretty assertive and I get a lot of fulfillment from a challenging job and time-consuming hobbies. I can certainly stick up for myself in any situation, so I don't think he feels the need to. Is there any way I can get him to be more 'on my team'? I think it's because I don't seem remotely vulnerable to him so he thinks I can and should fight my own battles, yet somehow strangers can't.

I don't WANT to break up with him because he has a lot of good qualities - he's easy-going, makes me laugh and relax, artistic, friendly to everyone, we rarely argue... It's just this.

To deste: no, she'd left and this was hours later.
To pribpot: he just wants an easy life. I have no doubt that if I wasn't in the room and his sister slagged me off, he wouldn't tell her she was outright wrong, just that he didn't share her viewpoint. If I'd shouted at the girl in the club, he would have kept well clear.

deste Thu 14-Feb-13 18:26:27

Later he picked a fight with me and accused me of being jealous and possessive. Do you think he wanted you to go home so that he could stay with the other girl?

Merl0t Thu 14-Feb-13 11:11:21

I agree with cogito, both her posts.. I was thinking of my bf when I split up with him the ngiht before my 26th bd. I just realised...... i can't do this. he hadn't done anything out of character. he hadn't shocked me. i just didn't want that anymore.

saying that, i would want somebody with a spine now as cogito says.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 14-Feb-13 11:02:22

Is it worth saying that people change most between ages 19 and 30? Some embrace the responsibilities and trials of adulthood, others stay stuck as happy-go-lucky, irresponsible teenagers. Very common for couples who get together young to find they 'grow apart' therefore.... want different things and have different standards.

Merl0t Thu 14-Feb-13 10:49:19

BBCharlie, it's not about considering gossip a virtue in a partner. Your partner should trust your judgement so that if you say x, y or z was rude to you he will trust that you are an accurate judge of what is rude, and believe you.

you want to see that his inability to nail his colours to the mast and trust your judgement, side with you, believe you et c is a good thing! a character attribute. it is not! and you're now doing what you say he does. except i don't think he does look for the good in people. what he's doing is showing you no loyalty. he's basically saying i don't believe your version here, you are over reacting. what he is looking for is the easy life as somebody else said.

tribpot Thu 14-Feb-13 07:18:43

His sister is really rude to me and he says nothing.

he's like this with everyone, not just me. He hates hearing anyone get slagged off

So which is it, OP? If he hates hearing anyone get slagged off, why doesn't he call his sister on it? Or does he just want an easy life with no-one expecting anything from him?

Either way, don't fool yourself into putting up with this because you have 'long term plans'. Plans change.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 14-Feb-13 06:56:05

"He hates hearing anyone get slagged off and sees the good side to the most horrible people. "

What he needs is a spine transplant.... This kind of person is often lovely on the surface but, if you're a more combative and assertive type naturally, their wishy-washy nature can be bloody annoying after a while. I've often found that people like this are not ambitious, have no 'get up and go', and tend to roll with the punches. They're happy enough with life but they can be a bit of a dead-weight to lug about if you want more.

Lueji Thu 14-Feb-13 00:16:03

I think it's ok to be brought down to earth sometimes. Particularly when it helps us avoid making mistakes.

However, we need to feel supported and listened.
Particularly because not all people are good or nice all the time.

If you don't get that from him, and it bothers you, it will be worse when you are more fully committed.

Better leave now, before living together and children.

MamaMassageMe Thu 14-Feb-13 00:04:34

Aw OP you have my empathy....

This was my EXACT relationship with exP.... always taking everyone elses side, he also was a nightclub manager and the girls were just the same, as was his defence of them. In hindsight he was playing around...they all were!

fast forward to now...the bastard allowed his family to treat me like dirt post natally with BOTH our children, he left me when pregnant with DD and allowed his family to bully me throughout. I was always wrong, always to blame and the EA/DV really began when pregnant, post natal and vulnerable. He wore away my confidence, alienated me from friends...o god it was hideous.

If someone makes you feel unsure or like crap just leave, your worth so much more than this....and there are men out there who will stand by you and not think that kind of treatment/behaviour is acceptable..its not.

Good luck OP and I'm sending love and strength your way


88Charlie Wed 13-Feb-13 23:32:30

I'm surprised. I thought people would tell me to fight my own battles.

The thing is, he's like this with everyone, not just me. He hates hearing anyone get slagged off and sees the good side to the most horrible people. He loves me and wants the best for me, I can't imagine he'd ever cheat, and we have long-term plans. I can just never, ever insult someone or even mildly bitch about them because it makes him so uncomfortable. It is normal to be able to gossip and share negative opinions with your partner, isn't it?

deleted203 Wed 13-Feb-13 19:53:26

Agree with all the others saying this relationship sounds poor. Why would you want to be with a bloke who automatically believed/defended anyone over you? The only reason, IMO, to be with a partner is if they enhance your life in some way. If life is so much better and happier and easier with them in it. Try imagining life in years to come when work, children, money is tough. You need someone who is backing you up and listening sympathetically to your problems and worries. Not someone whose immediate instinct is to put you down and make life harder.

You ask if you are unreasonable to expect a long term partner to be on your side sometimes. Personally I would expect my partner to be on my side 99% of the time - and the other 1% to be sympathetic, but tell me he could actually see the other person's point of view. He doesn't need to agree that I'm right, whatever I do. But he needs to put me first over stroppy relatives and random slappers!

TalkativeJim Wed 13-Feb-13 19:52:02

I left one like this.

He wasn't evil, just an insecure pain. Also together c 3 years.

I thought I could do better, turns out I was right.

12 years on, I'm glad he's not the father of my children.

LineRunner Wed 13-Feb-13 19:41:55

I made a huge mistake when I moved in with a boyfriend and then married him. I wish I had read the signs, that were really there all along, that he wasn't on my side.

Your signs are big and clear and loud. He's only on his own side and he is immature and not want you need for the long haul of your life.

You are young and have everything ahead of you. I would really step back and recalibrate.

Merl0t Wed 13-Feb-13 19:32:51

I agree with the others. He's not in your camp. You know that. You need somebody in your corner as you go through life and have kids and negotiate maternity leave and division of labour. You need somebody who will consider your feelings, be able to see your perspective, or

tribpot Wed 13-Feb-13 19:31:49

He doesn't sound like a lot of fun. And yes, he should be absolutely on your team. Sometimes that will mean saying you're wrong and giving the reasons why he thinks so, but his default setting should be to back you up.

I think you can do better than this. 25 is very young. I wouldn't waste any more time on someone who doesn't have your back.

LineRunner Wed 13-Feb-13 19:27:39

This relationship sounds like hard work.

SomethingProfound Wed 13-Feb-13 19:19:52

This is going to sound harsh, but he doesn't care about you or your feelings. If he did he would be livid your mate stole from you, not tolerate his sister being rude, and would be laughing with you about the behaviour of his customer not defending her.

I would also be concerned about his behaviour at work. I'm not suggesting he has cheated but if I were you I would be concerned about how appropriate his behaviour is.

Your young no kids, ask your self do you really want to get any further involved with him?

Imagine living together - issue with the milk man, must be your fault, decorator hasn't finished the job as you discussed, looks fine to him, is that what you want?

Have my first LTB!

Xales Wed 13-Feb-13 19:14:36

3.5 years in I would say, think long and hard about is this what you want for ever?

When you have kids and his mother/sister/grandmother says you are doing X, Y, Z wrong. Don't breast feed so we can baby sit. Yes we will come to the hospital 10 minutes after you have given birth and are sitting covered in blood & god knows what.

At your wedding his sister/any one else being shitting.

Them taking priority over you throughout the duration of your relationship.

If you want him to support you, you have to clearly explain how and why plus why his always putting you down/wrong is hurtful and upsetting.

If he doesn't you need to think what this will be like in the future.

88Charlie Wed 13-Feb-13 18:59:55

Name changed.

BF & I are both 25. Been together 3.5yrs, don't currently live together as work patterns are very different, but plan to in the next year. Spend about 4 nights a week together. No kids. & I've realized he never sticks up for me or is on my side.

An example
On Saturday we went out to the nightclub he runs. He's there every week, I rarely go. When we arrived and I was talking to a mutual friend, a young girl (late teens) came running up and hugged him, very animated and friendly. When I went over, she gave me a filthy look and stalked off. She then gave me the stink eye all night and blanked me when I said hi. Literally looking me up and down with a raised eyebrow. Thought it was highly amusing, I asked him who she was and said about her glaring at me, and he immediately sprang to her defence, saying I was wrong, she's just a child, she was shy and so on and so on. She's not a child - most 18 year olds in nightclubs are perfectly capable of trying to seduce men. Later he picked a fight with me and accused me of being jealous and possessive.

His sister is really rude to me and he says nothing. When I fell out with a good friend he refused to back me up, saying she must have her reasons. (she stole money from me twice). If I ever make a slightly negative comment about a friend he immediately defends them. I don't need a knight in shining armour but am I unreasonable to expect a long-term partner to be on my side sometimes?

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