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Being touched sexually whilst asleep and worse please help

(83 Posts)
Wouldbefunnyifitwasnttrue Wed 13-Feb-13 16:23:20

This has gone on for a while but has reached the point where I am frightened to sleep next to him
It has gone from a bit of groping to really nasty aggressive touching and the words spoken make me feel physically sick.

He says the most horrendous things to me.
He is definitely asleep so I don't know what to do but I am scared to go to sleep properly now

Any advice ?

sandiy Sat 16-Feb-13 08:34:58

This probably is nt help ful in real terms but may explain where the idea stems from.There is a fifty shades style book called bared to you out at the moment where the handsome hero type has this condition.He attacks heroine while she is asleep. Utter twaddle as a read but fifty shades was responsible for a lot of funny ideas in some men's heads IMO.In real life protect yourself sleep separately Think about contacting a refuge make an escape plan etc I don t feel that you are safe.There is potentially a lot of aggression in this man awake or asleep.

Selba Sat 16-Feb-13 01:13:31

Marina is merely pointing out the very obvious temporary solution of one partner sleeping elsewhere

I think marina's pointing out that this is a bit of a weak excuse. If he showed any commitment to getting this sorted he'd sleep under a coat and keep his clothes on, instead of somehow persuading OP that he can't possibly manage another night on the sofa.

Kormachameleon Fri 15-Feb-13 22:13:41

Yeah marina cus that's the main issue here isn't it ?
FFS

Selba Fri 15-Feb-13 16:29:25

me too Marina. I could spare enough to bed down an army

MarinaIvy Fri 15-Feb-13 16:25:30

Am I the only one wondering confused WTF, a house with absolutely nothing in the way of spare blankets?

fuckingpamela Fri 15-Feb-13 11:25:11

Do YOU belive him OP? You know him best.
To me - it sounds believeable fro him reaction. If he were lying I think it would play it down, maybe laugh and try to brush it off.

However, he needs to see it through with the GP. I hope you can come through this and you can forgive him. IF you believe him thanks

Most people who are interested in the fetish scene are also very keen on consent, not on using it as a justification to abuse a partner. Is this man abusive generally? Because you sound like you are scared of him: some people would say, look DP you are annoying me in the night, stop it, sort it out.

Selba Thu 14-Feb-13 22:25:08

People are too quick to call "abuser!"
It is utterly possible he is asleep

Betterbet Thu 14-Feb-13 13:59:54

I think this sounds believable, actually. SSRI antidepressants are known to cause sleep problems/ dream changes and a quick google of citalopram and sexsomnia showed a similar case written up in a medical journal. Could it be the antidepressants have caused this behaviour?

I do agree you need to keep an eye on the other behaviour though - esp the disrespect towards you. Have you talked to him about that?

mirry2 Thu 14-Feb-13 13:48:08

Wake him up as soon as he does it and tell him to stop

musicismylife Thu 14-Feb-13 13:45:01

He most certainly is awake when he does this. He knows that if he was to try this shit in real life, you would run for the hills. He will then wait until you are in a semiconscious state and abuse you. He is doing this because it turns him on, plain and simple. I also wonder what sort of porn he is watching. Although I don't agree with it, I think you'll agree that there are different degrees of porn. It sounds like he is watching some derogatory shit and is then wanting to act out his fantasies on you.

No good will ever come out of this situation. If, for argument sake, he is genuinely asleep. Would you not be so mortified that you wouldn't want to sleep in the same bed as your partner until you got help?

The other (and more likely) option is that he is awake and using you for his play-thing. Sick on so many levels. Yes, you have a child together. It does not mean that you need to put up with any of this. And what if you had visitors over and he started acting inappropriately, or worse still to your child.

I am not trying to scare-monger. I just want you to know that you really need to detach yourself from him before it gets any worse. If he wants to get help, fine. I wouldn't hold your breath.

BonzoDooDah Thu 14-Feb-13 13:28:06

Oh good on you talking to him. And a reassuring reaction from him too. Are you (like I am) more inclined to believe him? Get a spare blanket / duvet today though so he can stay on the sofa until you feel safer.
Good luck.

Erimentha Thu 14-Feb-13 09:54:54

Sorry I missed your last update. If he does have it, then what he is doing is entirely possible. It is a horrible thing to have to live with, but there is help out there which can improve things. I won't lie and say it makes everything fine again but it does make it easier. He does need help and to keep pushing for it, I know how far it can go and you don't want to end up there.

Erimentha Thu 14-Feb-13 09:50:00

My husband has sexsomnia and when it first started I was terrified and didn't truly believe he could be asleep and do these things and that he didnt wake up when I was shouting and fighting him off. It is not a nice thing to live with, however if his behaviour towards you during the day has changed and its coincided with discussing differing sexual tastes then I would be highly sceptical. What I would say it comes down to is what is his reaction when you tell him what he has done? If he was really asleep and really cared for you he would be shocked, ashamed, taking himself to the GP to try and get it sorted out and trying to find a way to protect you from it. If he isn't and won't do aby of these things then do you really want to spend your life with someone who cares so little for you?

tribpot Thu 14-Feb-13 09:41:24

Right so you or he gets a cheapo duvet and some blankets today. All too easy to say 'well I spent one night in the cold to show I repented'.

Wouldbefunnyifitwasnttrue Thu 14-Feb-13 09:28:03

Well we have no heating or spare blankets so not really possible

kalidanger Thu 14-Feb-13 09:01:22

That's not exactly a positive outcome sad Why didn't be make himself comfortable? To ensure to feel sorry for him and keep you on the back-foot and assuming this is somehow your fault and you have to carry on keeping quiet and keeping him sweet.

Wouldbefunnyifitwasnttrue Thu 14-Feb-13 08:56:29

Just coming back to this to update you and thank you for the advice
I spoke to him last night and he was mortified and cried when I told him he had hurt me. He swears he had no recollection if it. Anyway, he is going to gp, is already on anti d's following months and months of severe stress
He says he won't sleep in the bed again and spent the night on the sofa with no heating or blanket
I just can't put the vile things he has said out of my mind - I don't understand how he could say them even if he was asleep

Smellslikecatspee Thu 14-Feb-13 08:21:17

Sexsomia is actually extremely rare is accompanied by a family history of sleep disorders such as sleep walking/talking and begins in childhood as sleepwalking talking.

This is a recent thing so by all the diagnostic criteria by the parasomia society, nope it's just a nasty piece of work who is being abusive.

HecateWhoopass Thu 14-Feb-13 07:02:43

But he doesn't treat her well otherwise. She's described how he is when awake. not nice. And this behaviour has appeared out of nowhere at the same time as he has begun talking about fetishes and things when awake.

If he's got sexsomnia, I'm a monkey's uncle.

Abitwobblynow Thu 14-Feb-13 05:46:58

But he isn't, Little. He has 'changed lately'.

I remember when my H 'suddenly changed' - there was something massively wrong.

littlejo67 Thu 14-Feb-13 02:04:04

This is more common than you think. It maybe a sleep disorder called sexsomnia. It's like sleep walking. There is every chance he is sleeping. People can even shower and walk around asleep so I am sure he can say undesirable stuff and touch you. What happens in the day is also played out in people's dreams. Hence the fetish thing. Get him to go to the GP for a referral.

Some posters are to quick to judge him as being abusive. He he treats you well otherwise I would see it as something he has little control over. It's a pain for you as you keep getting woken up. I have known someone to have sex and only wake up on the runway to orgasm.

catladycourtney1 Thu 14-Feb-13 00:40:17

There is a sleep disorder that causes people to do sexual things in their sleep and I suppose that could be a possible explanation - see here and here. However it is by no means common, and I think that the fact that your DH's behaviour while he is awake has changed too, and the fact that he doesn't appear remorseful or worried, should ring some alarm bells for you.

Are you absolutely sure he's asleep? I know a lot of people have said that if he was, he would have woken up when you punched him, but my DP snores something terrible and I can pretty much beat him and he'll just carry on. He talks in his sleep too, incidentally, completely random but clear as day.

Even if he is asleep, it's still completely unacceptable and you shouldn't be sleeping together until he has got it under control. It's not unheard of for people to commit rape or even murder in their sleep. And that's not to mention the simple fact that it's distressing for you and disrupting your sleep! And if he isn't even asleep, then you shouldn't be sleeping together for obvious reasons.

Good luck with this, however you choose to deal with it.

Jux Thu 14-Feb-13 00:08:53

He isn't asleep. If he were, he would have woken up in shock when you punched him. He was awake, and pretending, that's why he could roll over grunting.

Call WA. He is vile, and will end up doing a lot more than he is now. You need to make yourself safe.

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