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Being touched sexually whilst asleep and worse please help

(83 Posts)
Wouldbefunnyifitwasnttrue Wed 13-Feb-13 16:23:20

This has gone on for a while but has reached the point where I am frightened to sleep next to him
It has gone from a bit of groping to really nasty aggressive touching and the words spoken make me feel physically sick.

He says the most horrendous things to me.
He is definitely asleep so I don't know what to do but I am scared to go to sleep properly now

Any advice ?

Wouldbefunnyifitwasnttrue Wed 13-Feb-13 16:55:31

I can't say what he said, I'm sorry
At first it was just a bit of 'dirty talk' but now it's abusive and threatening and vile

ratbagcatbag Wed 13-Feb-13 16:57:51

Agree with all the others, this is worrying.

Also is the fetish something he wants you involved in, or do you feel he's prepping you to try and get you to take part sad this sounds so no good

tribpot Wed 13-Feb-13 16:57:54

Can you tell us if he's threatening to harm you? Without going into specifics.

The way he's behaving when he's awake makes it clear something is going on. You need to get some decent sleep you can deal with this. Can you go to a hotel?

HecateWhoopass Wed 13-Feb-13 16:58:22

He isn't asleep. Honestly, I bet my, well, everything I have that he isn't asleep.

It suits him right now to pretend that he is. But he isn't.

would you be safe if you said - while he's 'asleep' - you are revolting and this turns my stomach.

If he's asleep - he won't hear a thing, will he? You'll be free to tell him just how you feel.

you won't though.

Because you know in your heart of hearts that he is awake.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 13-Feb-13 16:58:55

I don't know enough about this to be categorical, but really, the chances are that he means this, and you are frightened because you believe he does too. To raise it with someone you feel close to, and trust would be embarrassing, hurtful, but not scary.

Which suggests he is deliberately abusing you and should be addressed accordingly

ElephantsAndMiasmas Wed 13-Feb-13 16:59:43

"He has been increasingly disrespectful of me recently" - how do you mean? When did it start? Did it starting coincide with anything?

What's your own private explanation for this? The one you think "i hope it's not this..."

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 13-Feb-13 17:00:00

X post with Hecate.

Exactly

Wouldbefunnyifitwasnttrue Wed 13-Feb-13 17:05:21

Well I punched him twice last night and he just grunted and turned over so I am pretty sure he is asleep
The alternative doesn't bear thinking about really

I've asked him to come home from work at a decent time so we can talk

I think I really need to ask him to sleep downstairs

I'm no sleep expert but surely people can't say lots of coherent things on the same subject when asleep? I can understand blurting occasional things out but I think if ihe's saying a lot he simply must be awake. I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds frightening. Can you sleep on the sofa at least tonight while you think/decide what to do?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 13-Feb-13 17:08:45

What will you say to him?

HecateWhoopass Wed 13-Feb-13 17:09:04

If you punched me twice - I would wake up.

So he can say really vile things to you in his sleep, grope you in his sleep and you punch him twice and he doesn't stir? Just a grunt and turn over?

I may be wrong. I'm not a sleep expert.

But that reads even MORE like someone awake pretending to be asleep. not less.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Wed 13-Feb-13 17:12:09

This guy is awake...

ElephantsAndMiasmas Wed 13-Feb-13 17:13:29

What do you say while he is doing this? sad I mean, do you say "X, stop touching me" or do you just stay quiet and let him and hope for it to stop?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 13-Feb-13 17:17:24

How many times has this happened?

Sorry for all the questions, but I am wondering what stopped you bellowing at him after the first time. I am not blaming you, I am concerned you are scared of him

TeeBee Wed 13-Feb-13 17:19:03

Oh, I kick my DH a million times a night when he's snoring and he doesn't bloody wake up. You need to put a stop to this - in whatever way you need to. You need to be very, very clear with him that this is not continue and HE needs to move out of the bed if he cannot stop it happening. It will tear your relationship apart. And then you need to address the general lack of respect outside of the bed. Again, not something to be tolerated. If he doesn't act to stop it then you have your answer.

madonnawhore Wed 13-Feb-13 17:20:27

Sleep disorders of this kind are very rare. And if he had a genuine sleep disorder you would've known about it well before he suddenly met these new friends and developed this new interest in fetish.

The fact that the two events have happened at the same time is no coincidence.

I would put a lot of money on him being awake while he's doing these things to you.

You sound very frightened of him. Please get yourself somewhere safe.

Smellslikecatspee Wed 13-Feb-13 17:23:02

There are two options here (A) He isn't asleep and he’s seeing how far he can take it (B) he is asleep, and he is one of 4% that develop somniloquy / sleep talking as an adult.

If you really truly believe that its option B he needs to go see a doctor and possibly be referred to a neurologist as this can be a sign of more serious sleep disorders, but this shouldnt/wouldn't affect his waking behaviour.

But really you know it’s A, you’ve mentioned other things in your posts about his behaviour and as sleep talking most normally occurs in the lighter phase of sleep, punching him should have woken him.

I think you need to acknowledge that you are afraid and take action, please.

Wouldbefunnyifitwasnttrue Wed 13-Feb-13 17:26:12

I'm going to tell him he has to sleep elsewhere. Sofa, spare mattress, car I don't care where but not in my bed

And I want to ask him if he has any recollection if what he is doing ? Hopefully ill be able to see if he is lying

I didn't question the fetish thing at the time but I also want answers as to why his friends thought it an appropriate conversation to have and why he joined in
I should have realised at the time that they must have shown him it as he said he'd never seen any before but now he likes it and they are both into it - to me that is just not the done thing not is it acceptable to discuss ones sex life with others

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 13-Feb-13 17:26:47

My DH did something once which I did not like, and I asked him angrily to stop. He stopped. He apologised. He was awake. He has never done it again.

I cannot fathom how you could stand for this to happen unless he has been softening you up, or someone else has led you to believe this is OK, or you are scared. It is not OK awake or asleep. I am worried you are scared, and if you are scared of your husband then you need outside help

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 13-Feb-13 17:27:39

X post with your last post

BerylStreep Wed 13-Feb-13 17:33:43

Where / how did he meet these new friends who are discussing fetish? I agree that I don't think it is appropriate to be discussing sexual preferences with friends.

It seems a very strange coincidence, and I think he is awake and trying to push the boundaries. He has decided he is into fetish. Do your preferences have nothing to do with it?

Even if he is asleep, it is disturbing if this is what is going on in his head.

Do you have DC?

HecateWhoopass Wed 13-Feb-13 17:44:32

I don't think it's coincidental that he's started to treat you like this AND started to talk about these friends and this fetish.

Do you even know that he's telling the truth about them? Have you heard them say anything yourself? How do you know this isn't coming from him and he's using them as a reason why he's raising it with you now?

JakeBullet Wed 13-Feb-13 17:45:23

Sorry but I went through something similar (not threatening) but sexual touching from my exH while he was apparently asleep. He wasn't asleep and I doubt your OH is either. Having been sexypually abused as a child the was a deal breaker for me and we separated as he could not and would not stop. Here were other issues too but your OP struck a chord.....he is not asleep.

notso Wed 13-Feb-13 17:45:48

My DH often acts out dreams, many times they have been violent and a few times they have been sexual.
I have sometimes had to hurt him to get him off me but he always wakes up he seems to be very close to waking when they happen not in a really deep sleep, he is always mortified, embarrassed and very apologetic.

GoSuckEggs Wed 13-Feb-13 17:47:19

I am also thinking that he is not actually asleep. next time he does it lift up his eye lids, you will be able to tell then. I think when you are asleep your eyes tend to roll back. -- might also be completely making that up-- blush

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