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Husband is transexual and I don't know what to do

(32 Posts)
RealWoman Wed 13-Feb-13 10:35:29

Have name changed as don't want to out myself.

Background: Have been married 12 years. 3 dc, eldest of which is disabled and so I am a SAHM and carer for last 11 years.

2 years ago I found out my husband likes to dress as a woman. He decided to come clean about it all and was relieved when I said I was OK with it all. However, I don't think I have ever been OK with it at all. I have since seen his alter ego and he sometimes dresses as her (about once a month). I find I cannot look at him/her but I try not to show this. Recently he has been sleeping in corsets and feminine sleepwear as well. I panic that my children will walk in and discover him as a woman and what will happen then.

I love my husband but since this revelation I have no interest in DTD and actively avoid it by staying up later than him. I do cave sometimes but it is not the same anymore. When he is dressed as a woman he still tries to stroke my arm and cuddle me on the sofa but I find this horrendously uncomfortable as I don't think it is my husband next to me. He is a great husband, helps out around the house, cooks, irons and he is pretty good with the kids as well, he is also the sole income provider in our family.

I don't know what to do, I feel like my marriage is over but I don't want it to be. If I hadn't found out about this secret I would still be perfectly happy in this marriage. I cannot tell anyone else about this as I am too embarrassed and don't want him to be 'outed'.

We are not wealthy and if we separated we could not afford 2 homes on 1 wage. I cannot work due to caring for my eldest dc and we have no savings so financially splitting up is not an option. He says he has always been this way and knew from quite young that he liked dressing as a woman, he does not want to be a woman though. This means he deliberately deceived me before we married and for the first 10 years of our married life to a point where I now have no options.

I feel trapped in a closet not of my own making. Help.

Imogencodpiece Thu 14-Feb-13 14:41:34

SloLee so you would be happy if your missus turned around and said she wanted to dress in mens clothes, wearing boxer shorts, strapping her breasts down, cut her hair short ect?
nobody is getting hurt so why not?

I can tell you if my fella turned around and told me he liked to dress as a woman i would see him in a totally different light,it would put me right off him and this is not because what he is doing is bad or dangerous but the fact that i like him as a man. i am not into women.

OP have you thought about whether you could come to some compromises seeing as though you say you don't want to lose him?

Eg;

No dressing as a woman if the DC could discover him like it?

No coming to bed in ladies sleepwear

Do not expect me to refer to you as (whatever woman's name) when you are dressed as a woman

Do not try and be affectionate to me in a familiar way whilst dressed up?

If you cannot tolerate it in the home would it be acceptable for him to restrict t solely to his club visits?

GoSuckEggs Thu 14-Feb-13 15:33:47

I have had EXs who enjoyed dressing up, and we would often have sex whilst they had womans undies on or tights etc. I have no problem with it.

But the fact of the matter is that YOU do have a problem with it. You do need to speak to him and set out what you are happy for him to do eg. so to clubs on his own dressed as a woman and what you are not happy for him to do eg: sleep in womens clothing and dress as a woman whilst you are around.

make it clear to him where your boundaries are. Are you happy for him to dress up around the house, as long as no one is in?

Slolee Mon 18-Feb-13 12:30:55

Hmm,maybe you'r right.I would be very unhappy if my wife started dressing as a man.

izzyizin Mon 18-Feb-13 14:27:02

The OP's h isn't simply dressing up as a woman but is acting/behaving like one too, Slolee.

Although you've admitted you wouldn't be happy if your dw took to dressing as a man, I'd hazard a guess that if donning men's garments led to her displaying an alter ego - say, that of Bob the Builder - you'd be considerably less happy if you were expected to entertain 'Bob' for the evening and exchange notes on the merits of various drill bits, rawlplugs, and screws (no pun intended), or which shaving creams/razors are most efffective at removing a 5 o'clock shadow.

If, encouraged by your seeming tolerance of her alter ego, your dw took to visiting your local or nearest tranny club dressed and acting as Bob and flaunting his builder's bum, I suspect you'd not only be horrified - you'd send 'Bob' packing quicker than he can stuff 2 plums and a banana down his boxers.

Slolee Tue 19-Feb-13 11:48:27

Oh I don't know....youv'e made me a bit curious.....

before in write this I want you know that I am not comparing your situation to mine in any way at all.
I am a transsexual (huge difference between transsexual and transvestite) which means I believed i should have been born a female and have now after 25 years of leading a double life i am now living as Sarah and have had great surgery and am due to have the 'rest' done in June.
From what you say your husband has all the traits of being a transvestite which means he gets pleasure from wearing women's clothes and I can totally see why that is uncomfortable for you.
I can also relate to the fact that you feel cheated that he never told you when you met or before you married but it is not something that is easy to say. I kept my secret of being ts from my long term partner for years in the hope that i could somehow magically become a tv instead of a ts and just be satisfied with secretly dressing (mind you the leg shaving, eyebrow shaping, facials, incredibly nice nails, female hair cut, lots of nights away etc etc took a lot of explaining).
what you need to remember is that the man you fell in love with has that persona because of who he is and part of that is being a tv. take that part away and he becomes someone else. ok so you don't have to welcome it with open arms, in fact you could insist its only done when you're not there or when he's away but please please try to find a way of accepting it. you never know you might find parts of it that are good. my partner loved the fact I loved shopping and was so in tune with her feminine side, sadly though me wanting to become a woman was too much and I totally get that.

2rebecca Wed 20-Feb-13 16:47:58

Agree he sounds tranvestite rather than transexual as the clothes turn him on rather than make him feel more "normal", after all few real women wear corsets to sleep in. I'd feel angry and lied to. If you want to split up then you need to start working out how to be financially independant. It depends how important living without him is. can you get separate rooms as a start?

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