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Should i be worried about this?

(40 Posts)
MrsReacher85 Tue 12-Feb-13 18:14:21

Hi, I'm a new member but have been lurking for a while and wondering if i should post this. Please be gentle.

I've been married two years and have a 6 month old DS. Been with my DH for 8 years. Recently i've been a bit worried about my DH's friendship with someone he works with.

When i was 8 months pregnant, i noticed a phone call to this girl that was at 1.30am for 30 minutes. At this time he was working away during the week and we'd had a number of arguments about him barely making time to call me. That particular day we'd spoken for just 5 minutes over 2 phone calls. He apologised, accepted that it was inappropriate and tried to reassure that they were just friends and she was going through a difficult time. (i know, i know). I think i accepted this just because i wanted everything to be okay with DS on the way.

Since then he isn't working away any more so i know there hasn't been any more late night calls but i've kept an eye on his phone anyway. He has deleted her number but I've seen texts from an unsaved number that i just know are from her, so either he knows the number or she texts him first. All the messages i've seen have been innocent. However, these messages are also getting deleted, when no others are, so i don't know if i'm seeing the full conversation.

They also talk on blackberry messenger, and again, these are deleted and what i've seen is innocent.

I don't want to talk to him at this stage as i'm worried that will just mean more deleting, and if there's something going on, i want to know about it. She's just his type and that's what worrying me i think.

Help, am i reading too much into it or not?

MarilynValentine Tue 12-Feb-13 21:11:15

Sorry OP but that 'you ignored me' in the text exchange speaks volumes. It says he wanted her attention, suggests he usually gets it....that he is close enough to her to be all childish and hurt and expect reassurance...

It suggests an emotional connection to me. A work colleague being busy when you need to discuss something NEVER warrants 'you ignored me'.

Also, does he delete any other texts? From anyone else?

If not then this really seems like an EA, at least.

Sorry sad Hope I'm completely wrong.

MarilynValentine Tue 12-Feb-13 21:12:16

X posts with kalidanger

MrsReacher85 Tue 12-Feb-13 21:17:02

Oh f*ck. I never even thought of it like that. That's how he talks to me, which should have set giant alarm bells ringing.

What the hell do I do now? Should I talk to him, wait and see if there's more messages etc?

MrsReacher85 Tue 12-Feb-13 21:21:25

And no, he rarely deletes other texts but may ocassionally clear his whole inbox. He's always done this so it doesn't worry me.

MidnightMasquerader Tue 12-Feb-13 21:25:06

Oh gosh, MrsReacher, the 'you ignored me' text has massive alarm bells for me, too.

That, and the 'she's going through a difficult time' trope, are proper red flags.

I'd be being very watchful from here on in.

Foxy12345 Tue 12-Feb-13 21:38:26

Whatever he's doing he's misbehaving sad Its just...how bad is it. My bf was chatting to his exes on facebook for ages, like middle of the night conversations about their new relationships, and flirting and stuff. I found this by accident one day. He had been pretending he was still single as well when he had spoken to the girls and talked about meeting up for drinks (although he said they never did). We had been together a year, I was really upset. I just openly broke down in front of him and he promised he would cut contact and never do it again. I dont know if he has but I have had to trust him on that, he never goes on facebook now.

So what Im saying is, it might just be a minor flirtation, and to nip it in the bud you would need to just tell him how upset you are that you have doubts whilst you are raising his children. If it is more than that, you would hope he would feel guilty enough to confess. I think you have enough evidence to confront him

Foxy12345 Tue 12-Feb-13 21:40:01

If it is nothing, and he thinks your a lunatic, blame hormones ;)

MarilynValentine Tue 12-Feb-13 22:09:33

Clearing his whole inbox isn't suspicious I agree - but cherry picking and deleting specific texts denotes obvious secrecy.

I reckon be watchful for a bit.

BesameBesame Tue 12-Feb-13 22:58:22

Him - you ignored me
Her - yeah, sorry, work got really mad etc etc….

hmm This suggests to me that there are more layers to their friendship than mere colleagues who get along well.

It's a tricky one. But you know him. It could be something or nothing.

could you open up a discussion with him about how you each feel now you're both parents and it's not just you and him any more? See if that throws anything up?

teresa2003 Tue 12-Feb-13 23:28:17

I am a new member as well so thought i would give my opinion.I would say that you have to go with your gut instinct & confront him about this woman.

If it is just at the flirty stage then it may stop him in his tracks. Although i do agree with some of the other posts about the "you ignored me" comment. It is quite intense & not normally what you would say to someone you dont know well.

I had a similar situation with my ex partner just before i had our dc 9 years ago.A colleague of his started asking for help all of the time after work (diy) or at least thats what she called it.He started popping out a lot (which he never normally did) & i always had a uneasy feeling about it.He never admitted to anything even though several people who knew him at the time agree he was up to no good.He accused me of being hormonal at the time.

Their was also a period last year where he would bite my head off if i went near his laptop when he was on facebook.He forgot to logout once & and i went on it after him to find all these messages from a dating website. (Apparently i imagined this as well).Apart from being a liar he was also a arsehole (hence) the ex part.

I would definately get to the bottom of it with your dh , if only for your own sanity. Goodluck.

bodencatalogue Wed 13-Feb-13 08:26:36

Go with your gut which seems to be saying "something is not right but I don't think it's a full blown affair".

He probably thinks it's 'harmless' flirting (he certainly won't think it's an emotional affair, as he probably doesn't know what that is) and is deleting messages because he knows it would upset you.

I think you do need to somehow talk to him about it. There are often blips in marriages, quite often set off by stressful events. You need to communicate with him, don't bottle it up and become over suspicious because that will not do you or your marriage any good.

MrsReacher85 Wed 13-Feb-13 09:38:37

Thank you to everyone who replied and especially those who shared their own experiences. It's given me a lot to think about and ultimately I think that Boden has probably got it right. I doubt he has any idea what an emotional affair is and I definitely doubt he thinks he's in one.

I'm going to try to talk to him about it and will try to update if anything useful actually comes out of that discussion. I'm terrible at talking about things like this though, so I'm not holding my breath for that!

muddyboots Wed 13-Feb-13 09:59:00

Before you have the conversation is there any way you can forward the 'evidence' to yourself or a trusted friend?

Hopefully your DH will tell you the whole truth and you can move forward together.

I found suspicious flirty texts on my DH's phone a couple of years ago. I confronted him, he deleted everything immediately and then when I wanted him to explain individual messages to me he just kept saying "Oh, I can't remember....it was nothing" etc

Also, do not let him make you think that you are being post-natal, hormonal and irrational. You are not.

aftereight Wed 13-Feb-13 10:06:53

Agree with muddyboots, forward the messages to your own phone before you confront him. I did this and it certainly helped in moments when I doubted my pwn sanity or was tempted to minimise what he'd done. And he hated the fact that I was 'sitting on the evidence'.
We're three months in, trying to work things out. It's been a very rocky road but what has helped is him admitting (after reading the Shirley Glass book) that it was an affair. When he said the word, he said it was like being an alcoholic and finally admitting it to oneself. We're not out of the woods, but with talking and counselling we're inching forwards I think.
Good luck with your conversation. Try to let him do the talking, and let him think you know more than you do. Be prepared for a couple of stages of disclosure, he is unlikely to tell you everything during your first conversation.

bestsonever Wed 13-Feb-13 15:00:33

On the plus side it sounds like the OW puts work and headache ahead of is need for attention. Maybe she knows he's a new Dad and is keeping her distance. Does smack of it being more him chasing her 'friendship' rather than her needing him, either way, he is the issue, so he needs tackling somehow. Good luck, I hope you find a way to steer his focus towards your relationship, this is what he should do and this is what you and your DS deserve.

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