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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Should i be worried about this?

39 replies

MrsReacher85 · 12/02/2013 18:14

Hi, I'm a new member but have been lurking for a while and wondering if i should post this. Please be gentle.

I've been married two years and have a 6 month old DS. Been with my DH for 8 years. Recently i've been a bit worried about my DH's friendship with someone he works with.

When i was 8 months pregnant, i noticed a phone call to this girl that was at 1.30am for 30 minutes. At this time he was working away during the week and we'd had a number of arguments about him barely making time to call me. That particular day we'd spoken for just 5 minutes over 2 phone calls. He apologised, accepted that it was inappropriate and tried to reassure that they were just friends and she was going through a difficult time. (i know, i know). I think i accepted this just because i wanted everything to be okay with DS on the way.

Since then he isn't working away any more so i know there hasn't been any more late night calls but i've kept an eye on his phone anyway. He has deleted her number but I've seen texts from an unsaved number that i just know are from her, so either he knows the number or she texts him first. All the messages i've seen have been innocent. However, these messages are also getting deleted, when no others are, so i don't know if i'm seeing the full conversation.

They also talk on blackberry messenger, and again, these are deleted and what i've seen is innocent.

I don't want to talk to him at this stage as i'm worried that will just mean more deleting, and if there's something going on, i want to know about it. She's just his type and that's what worrying me i think.

Help, am i reading too much into it or not?

OP posts:

Report

Tryharder · 12/02/2013 18:16

Yes, I'd be worried too and I'm probably the least jealous person in the world.

How is your relationship otherwise?

It may well nothing. Have you asked him about it yet?

MadAboutHotChoc · 12/02/2013 18:30

It does sound very dodgy - esp with the deleting of these messages.

We always say trust your instincts and it seems you feel that he is up to no good.

Have a look at this link as it may help you decide what to do next...
www.shirleyglass.com/introduction.htm

BesameBesame · 12/02/2013 18:46

they were just good friends and she was going through a difficult time

And her 'confiding' in him makes him feel important and makes their 'friendship' special. He was just about to become a DF and that changes the couple relationship.

He's deleting messages since you confronted him. She's just his type. You are worried that confronting him again will mean more secrecy, because that's what it is MrsReacher.

Would he feel the need to delete these messages if they are truly innocent?

Sorry but I think he's hiding something for whatever reason. I wouldn't say anything more yet but watch for any other changes in his behaviour which seem out of character.

Does he have a history of cheating either with you or previous partners?

MrsReacher85 · 12/02/2013 18:47

We have a very good relationship generally, he's very good with DS (albeit not too understanding about how knackering night feelings are!) and we have a lot of plans for the future. I will say that I think he wouldn't physically cheat (but everyone says that!) but it's the emotional aspect that I'm concerned about.

I can see him thinking that he's deleting the messages so that I don't get upset if I see them, but convincing himself it's all innocent and he's just protecting me, iyswim.

I'll have a look at that link, thanks MAHC.

OP posts:

MrsReacher85 · 12/02/2013 18:49

He's never cheated that I know of, either on me or any previous partners.

I'm actually glad you're confirming what I thought, I was worried I was going mad/being an irrational new mum.

OP posts:

scaevola · 12/02/2013 18:49

It does sound like an emotional affair at least. The Shirley Glass book is a good starting point.

After you've read it, you might want to get him to read it.

MrsReacher85 · 12/02/2013 19:08

I just thought that I never said that he has no contact with her on evenings or weekends. His work phone is off and I never seen anything on his personal phone. That doesn't really make any difference though does it?

OP posts:

BesameBesame · 12/02/2013 19:17

No in fact if this was an innocent friendship I'd expect him to be openly communicating when you are within earshot and maybe even having her over for dinner so that you can ALL be friends.

You ARE NOT going mad and nor are you an irrational new mum. Your instincts are telling you something isn't right.

I think you can pretty much predict that he is rationalising this secrecy in order to 'protect' you from something which wil upset you. But he's protecting himself I'm afraid. You really should read the Glass book as soon as possible.

BesameBesame · 12/02/2013 19:26

Just a thought but are you able to access his online phone account?

It's not a pleasant thing to do but if he's deleting messages his bill will show how much daily contact they're having. That's how I found out it was 'Not just friends'.

MrsReacher85 · 12/02/2013 19:33

No, it's his work phone so no access at all. There probably wouldn't be much contact as they work in the same office most days and email as well. (Work email.) The contact is on days when he's in a different office.

I've never met her. She lives around 90 minutes away so he wouldn't have invited her round though. He doesn't really socialise with work friends other than on work nights out.

Shit. None of this is good.

OP posts:

TheFallenNinja · 12/02/2013 19:42

I think that once trust is gone then that's that whether it be suspicious calls/text/email. No way back, never ever.

Might as well pack up and get on with your life.

BesameBesame · 12/02/2013 19:45

OK so is he acting differently in any other ways?

Working extra hours/different hours? Going out more?

Is he more distant with you? Critical of you? quieter/more jolly than usual? Talking about new interests/films/books/music?

Those sorts of things.

BesameBesame · 12/02/2013 19:47

I think it's too early to say that Ninja. The OP is asking for help to clarify her confusion.

It may still be nothing, or at least still within a grey(ish) area and if it's not it isn't a given that it's all over.

MrsReacher85 · 12/02/2013 19:49

Not working any more hours, he's always left work more on less on time and calls me from the car when he does (Bluetooth so definitely no one else there.)

I've been really thinking about it over the last couple of weeks and I don't think he's acting any differently at all. No new interests at all and hasn't been out since DS was born. Work night out in about 4 weeks though.

OP posts:

MrsReacher85 · 12/02/2013 19:50

Thanks BB, I don't think it's over by any means but if he has cheated it definitely would be. I know myself well enough to know I'd never get over it.

OP posts:

kalidanger · 12/02/2013 20:07

How innocent are the innocent texts? Ate they about work and such? Or feelings?

TheFallenNinja · 12/02/2013 20:09

Not sure, I think monitoring/checking of phones demonstrates a lack of trust. This action in itself is pretty corrosive. Whether or not he is up to something is almost irrelevant.

I'm not wishing to come off flippant but I spent ten years under similar circumstances.

Once trust has has gone, it's gone forever, why live like that is my point.

Hassled · 12/02/2013 20:12

It's always possible that they really are just good friends. What sort of thing is the "innocent" chat about?

NeverMindOhWell · 12/02/2013 20:13

This type of thing happened to me 18 months ago and I confronted as I wanted to nip it in the bud before it developed into anything more. There is a great web page on getting over your partner's affair by Dr Phil (yes, I know).

One of the key things with an EA is that your partner can try and rationalise it, that is, with a physical affair it is plain to see where/when the line has been crossed. But they will justify an EA with being a decent guy, being a shoulder to cry on, just having a laugh with someone. The fact is, we all know when something is inappropriate. One of the things it says on the Dr Phil page is that if you wouldn't do it with your partner standing in the room right by your side, then it's an affair.

If he has been messing about and you decide you want to separate, in moments of weakness remind yourself that he is a cheating b*stard and you and your DCs deserve better. We ended up working things out but not before I'd chucked him out and that was my mantra during those awful times. Write it down, read it and re-read it.

Oh, BTW, can you go on his work night out too?

MrsReacher85 · 12/02/2013 20:13

The last exchange I saw went like this-

Her- hi
Him- you ignored me
Her- yeah, sorry, work got really mad and had a banging headache (or something)

Otherwise it's been him saying hi, no reply from her and similar. No real content if you know what I mean.

Ninja- I know what you're saying but honestly, I don't want to think too hard about that at the moment.

OP posts:

MrsReacher85 · 12/02/2013 20:15

I could go on the night out but DS is ebf and I'm not really ready to leave him yet. It's not a case of not being invited, more that there was no need to discuss it as I clearly wouldn't be going.

OP posts:

TheFallenNinja · 12/02/2013 20:33

I truly hope I'm wrong, I'm a bit jaded in this area

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kalidanger · 12/02/2013 21:07

Him - you ignored me

Golly, I'd be worried. I say that to my very best friend when I'm joking and I know she's not. There is no other situation you say that to someone unless you're in a... A.... Well, I don't know what. To your partner when you're annoyed because you're being ignored? To your DM when you're half-joking. When else?

It basically means 'you usually pay me a TON of attention and I'm comfortable enough to be cute about it when you stop for a bit'

kalidanger · 12/02/2013 21:08

Or to a mischievous DC. Another intimate relationship.

MarilynValentine · 12/02/2013 21:11

Sorry OP but that 'you ignored me' in the text exchange speaks volumes. It says he wanted her attention, suggests he usually gets it....that he is close enough to her to be all childish and hurt and expect reassurance...

It suggests an emotional connection to me. A work colleague being busy when you need to discuss something NEVER warrants 'you ignored me'.

Also, does he delete any other texts? From anyone else?

If not then this really seems like an EA, at least.

Sorry Hope I'm completely wrong.

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