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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Was going to hijack -'how important is sex to you thread' but decided better start my own...

45 replies

Iwanttorunaway · 12/02/2013 16:43

DP and I both 45, I'm a SAHM with 2 school age children. We have had problems for a good few years now. I feel a lot of anger and resentment towards him, feel like a drudge and have episodes of depression...sex is the last thing on my mind! Have zero sex drive...
Dp wants sex, is one of the major causes of arguments between us..now has gone on for years and the whole thing is a mess ....
I have had sex with him when I didn't feel like it 'for him' just to make him happy...but made me feel terrible...He has had tantrums about it - saying I'm avoiding him...etc etc. Accused me of using it as a weapon - which I don't- having him begging like a little dog etc etc... He says he wants me to want to have sex with him ...doesn't understand that I can't help the fact that I don't ...or with anyone else really...
If I am affectionate towards him he takes it too far ...
Have been to Relate (male counseller and I don't think he got the depth of my resentment) and sorted some other things out and we agreed to have some intimate time once a week...but I get so angry with him most of the time and I can't be bothered. Honestly I really feel like I my life would be easier without him...and he undermines me with the children. (ie I have 'rules' like no running in the house - and he will get them running about - and if I say anything says how boring I am ...and nagging again...)
Also I really thumped him just after Christmas ...really lost my temper - shocked myself - had had children around pushing my patience for the hols and then he started ...ignoring me when I asked him a reasonable question...leaving mess everywhere on purpose etc etc...we literally didn't speak to each other for 3+ weeks whilst living in the same house and he deliberately doing nothing to help....
I saw something on TV the other day about a women whose husband wasn't interested in sex so they agreed she could have sex with other people...
Suggested that to Dp, as he thinks if we had regular sex it would all be ok, and he has had a fit - he only wants sex with me, doesn't want the children to know (doesn't believe they would never find out), and I have been leading him on by saying that we can have sex when I feel like it ...and now he isn't speaking to me again (and behaving like a lazy pig again....)
I think that might give us the breathing space to become friends again...
He says I am trying to spoil everything...and he wouldn't leave because of the children etc etc
Really really can't face him being stroppy again for the next few weeks...

OP posts:
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MrsTerryPratchett · 12/02/2013 16:46

Sorry, do you mean that you hit your DH?

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Iwanttorunaway · 12/02/2013 16:51

Yes I did hit him ...completely lost it and I think if there had been a knife there I would have stabbed him...
(Not proud of this -but that's how bad it is...)

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SoleSource · 12/02/2013 16:56

Good job you aren't a man writing tbis about his wife. You will be ok as it doesn't mater.

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Iggly · 12/02/2013 16:57

Ok well I think that you need to examine whether you want to be with your DH. Sex with other people will not solve the issue.

Do you love him? Do you want to be with him?

I feel sorry for your DH to be honest.

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Iggly · 12/02/2013 16:58

In fact this is bigger than sex - sex is the symptom of something bigger here. Feels like you've lost respect for him.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 12/02/2013 17:04

That is domestic violence and you need to get some help. This is deeply unhealthy and worrying.

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Dahlen · 12/02/2013 17:06

Two separate problems here. THe first is violence in your marriage, which needs addressing.

The second is that your DH is treating you as an unpaid skivvy and with no respect whatsoever. There are few things more guaranteed to make a woman uninterested in sex. He needs to realise that he has to parent in the same style as you and that asking him repeatedly to do something does not make you a nag, it makes him a lazy, disrespectful husband who isn't pulling his weight.

Both of you can get counselling for this, but I strongly suspect that in this particular instance, the best solution for both of you would be to split up. If he's frustrated you to the point where you've lashed out and been physically violent, it's nearly impossible to go back to a better place.

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MechanicalTheatre · 12/02/2013 17:11

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

I would just split up to be honest. What is there to salvage? Very little.

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BeckyMumOfThree · 12/02/2013 17:17

Ignore these lot, ive experienced something similar. Yes you have a low sex drive and all the nagging your DP is doing is getting you down and you snapped! Speaking to a doc could help as you may need some anti depressants or some hormone treatments. Oh and Ann Summers do a libido enhancer for women (abit like viagra but not as strong) you can order online too! Blush

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Juanca · 12/02/2013 17:22

Becky if a man had come on here saying he had 'snapped' and hit his wife and that if there'd been a knife handy he would've stabbed her would you tell him to go to Ann Summers?! Insane.

OP it sounds like you're really on the rocks here. I'm not sure counselling would work for you - years of resentment and anger will take a lot to come back from.

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Dinosaurhunter · 12/02/2013 17:30

You should think about leaving it sounds like a awful situation in which to bring up children .

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Iwanttorunaway · 12/02/2013 17:49

I know -like I said it is a mess....
If I don't have sex he gets stroppy and doesn't help, if he helps a little around the house for a week he thinks I should want to have sex with him...
When we went to Relate I was ready to split up ...but he doesn't want to - thinks it would be bad for the children etc - he comes from a broken home...in fact his childhood was horrific...I am messing it all up because I won't have sex with him...I wanted him to go after I hit him (would rather the children stayed in the house)...but he wouldn't - maybe I have to go..
I really don't want to hurt him ...not sure I do love him anymore...feel like it has been worn out of me....I don't have much respect for him ...I do everything for him - what got us talking last time was he wouldn't renew his own car insurance -because I do it and I was 'trying to prove a point by not doing it'...and I couldn't let him drive around without insurance - which he would have done...just because that is my job I should do it...
I can't live like this ...my eldest isn't an easy child anyway and never listens to me, everything is a battle...I am on my own with them most of the time (DP works odd hours) and do everything for them...
in fact I do everything ..the housework, gardening, DIY, bills etc etc -all he does is go to work and cook occasionally ..if I cook he critises my cooking and often cooks something else as well, makes a mess and I tidy it up ....or cooks stuff the children don't like and leaves me to try to get them to eat it ....His childhood house was a mess so he can be incredibly messy - things like half a kinder egg under our bed, date stones on the floor are common ...and the children are watching this ...makes them worse...and if I complain I am nagging...
There are a host of things - like he will do his own washing -but doesn't know and won't listen/learn how the washing machine works....so when I go to do some washing there is undissolved soap powder in all the compartments in the drawer - so unless I want to rinse clothes in soap I have to wash it out ...worse he will 'do me a favour' by putting some of the other clothes in -but gives everything a boil wash ...and then he puts washing to dry all over the house ...doesn't put it away or worse on top of dry washing on the airer...this might sound minor and years ago I would have laughed about it but after so many years I feel like I want to run away...
I am skirting with depression at the moment ...am trying to get myself out of it - but I think I am going to have to get some antidepressants....

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GoSuckEggs · 12/02/2013 17:49

I think YOU need to leave. If you was a man posting the above that would be the advice. YOU are not safe to be around children, if you felt like you would have stabbed DH!

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Mmmnoodlesoup · 12/02/2013 17:53

Leave the guy to find someone who will shag him and not hit him.

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puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 12/02/2013 17:55

Yes Becky what a great piece of advise, ignore the people who are pointing out the domestic abuse.

Yes because its fine for a woman to hit a man, just not the other way round. Get a grip!

OP children growing up in house full of emotional and physical abuse is hardly the makings of a good childhood is it?

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Iwanttorunaway · 12/02/2013 17:56

BTW
I agree completely about the hitting thing - the other way round I would be horrified....

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puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 12/02/2013 17:56

Sorry I just saw the bit about stabbing him. You sound dangerous and imbalanced. Leave.

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TheSilveryPussycat · 12/02/2013 18:12

Those of us who have been in abusive relationships (and it seems like yours is abusive to me) often wonder whether we are abusive too. But years of abuse wears you down, trying to find fixes wears you down (they don't work) and bottling up resentment can only be done for so long. Yours spilled over, quite understandably, at least to me. Have a look on the EA thread which may be of help.

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ErikNorseman · 12/02/2013 18:49

You are in an abusive relationship. You must end it, for both your sakes.

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Iwanttorunaway · 12/02/2013 18:49

I am completely miserable..and I agree the situation isn't good for any of us...
I have never lost my temper like that before... he has shouted, thrown things at the wall etc (not when the children are around though) and I have always remained relatively calm...calming the situation down...trying not to involve the children ....and I just reached breaking point...
I had had a few terrible days in a row - eldest was being a nightmare
DP came home in a bad mood, bad day at work and had a minor strop and so I took the children out to give some peace. When I came back I asked him a reasonable question -and he ignored me...(which is what my eldest does -a lot)
He then proceeded to cook something for himself (only), make a real mess, a sink full of washing up and left everything - down to his plate on the table - for me to tidy up...I asked him to tidy it up (and after ignoring me several times) eventually he answered to refuse...
Spent the next day with eldest being difficult - looking at washing up in the sink getting more and more annoyed....thinking there is no way I am going to do that ....when he came home we were out and when I came back it was still there - so I asked him when he was going to do it - and he laughed at me ....
So I put it in his bag and out in the garden .....
He waited till the children were eating their dinner and brought it and slammed it down on the table and said look what your mum has down - isn't that terrible....then picked it up, took it into my office (I do part-time work from home) and started slamming it down on my desk..over my work papers, computer, mobile phone etc etc... I tried to pull him away and he kept on ...all I could think about was what he was messing up/breaking ....so I hit him on the arm...
I thought about the knife afterwards - there had been a knife in the washing up -I didn't put it in his bag with the rest cos I thought that would have been dangerous (cut fingers etc) ....and for that split second I really was so so so angry...if it had been there....

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FarBetterNow · 12/02/2013 19:00

I think these replies are mainly seeing the picture in black and white only.
If the OP hadn't snapped and hit her H, the advice would be different.

I very nearly threw a pot of tea at my ExH after he told me he had spent the weekend shagging a random woman he had met whilst working away.

The H sounds quite horrible, why would she want sex with someone who treats her so badly?

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pregnantpause · 12/02/2013 19:12

Leave. He abuses you, in front of your childrenSad He is clearly a very cruel and emotionally manipulative man. what you did was wrong. To make sure you never do it again you need to leave, he has a toxic influence on you, and it sounds like you are living in Hell.
Separate, and go from there. I honestly don't think there is a way forward in this relationship. He won't leave because it would hurt the DC? As parents you are hurting them more by keeping them locked in this abusive lifestyle. Please go to womens aid, they can help. My heart goes out to you, good luck.

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PacificDogwood · 12/02/2013 19:18

Leave. For evereybody's sake you need to get out of there. Then regroup and sort things out. I totally agree that you and your H are creating a very damaging environment for children to grow up in on top of what it does to you. And potentially to him.

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puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 12/02/2013 19:18

Get rid of him. If he won't go call the police. You cannot carry on with this emotional abuse in front of your children.

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Foxy12345 · 12/02/2013 21:15

If you dont want to have sex with someone, you dont love them, you dont respect them, they make you angry and not a nice person...then I think it sounds like the end :(

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