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dont know what to do!!

(12 Posts)
babyjane67 Tue 12-Feb-13 14:38:22

hi ive messaged on here before couple of months or so ago under 'is this relationship worth it anymore?'.sorry i dont know how to tag it.
well we're plodding on in the same still with him.
things are still the same.go on ok for while then something else'll happen that pisses me off about himim wondering if i should just end it.trouble is things just get in the we're out later today on pre arranged thing with family.weve booked up a hol in next couple of months,his birthdays coming up in few i just keep thinking its not the right time to say anything.
ive been/felt like this for ages!!hes also very difficult to talk to.the last time i tried he said he was too tired to talk!!
when i have brought things up before he just gets defensive&turns it back on it ends up in a shouting match that never gets resolved!!
we have a4yr old dd who we both adore&if we do bicker in front of her she bursts into tears!!that cant be goo d can it??
our sex life has been non existant for bout a yr now!i think i got bored of usually being the one who makes the first move for it.
theres no real affection.he never seems to want to go out just as a couple.on an evening hes on one sofa&im on the other.
we're not married&the house is in my name only.if he moves out he'll have nowhere to go.
have talked bit about it to friends in rl&theyve told me to be more assertive but dont really know how!!
what do i do?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 12-Feb-13 14:44:37

What's your goal - to have a conversation with him, or to split up? It's not very clear from your post.

babyjane67 Tue 12-Feb-13 15:09:02

im not sure!!!!!hence the title.spose im loking for some help& a bit afraid to rock the boat tbh

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 12-Feb-13 15:18:06

People can only give help and advice if they know what you want help and advice for.

I think you need to work out what you want. And only you can do that. We can ask you questions to help you figure it out, though.

What are you afraid of?

izzyizin Tue 12-Feb-13 15:23:50

This is your earlier thread:

There's not a lot to be gained from canvassing opinions if you're going to continue to be ambivalent about what you want out of life, and it seems you're using the plans you've mentioned to excuse your lack of purpose.

If you want to bring about postiive change you'll speak to your dp tonight or tomorrow and lay it out as a dealbreaker if he's not prepared to listen or take affirmative action, such as couples counselling, to improve your relationship

babyjane67 Tue 12-Feb-13 15:25:52

afraid of going all throught it again!have been married in the past which ended in divorce with2small kids at the would be doing it all again if we split i feel bit guilty thinking well is he really that bad?not compared2some ive read about on here!but i know im not happy&havent been4some time now!!

babyjane67 Tue 12-Feb-13 15:28:30

but if he keeps turning it round tome all the time&never accepting any blame on his side or not wanting to talk at all then how am i supposed to suggest any sort of counselling?????

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 12-Feb-13 15:33:31

how about starting to think about what you want?

dismiss all the white noise like holidays and birthdays and family outings, think quietly about where you want to be in say 5 years time.

The things you have said are bad timing are just excuses you are using to stall, because you dont know what to do. You say you cant talk to him but you can book holidays and stuff.

His not wanting to talk cause he is tired etc is his way of avoiding the real issues which to be honest is what you are doing too. It seems you are both putting off the inevitable, no one wants to put in the effort, but also no one wants to be the one to end it. You dont have to have a huge conversation to just ask a simple question. " do you still want to be with me?" its a yes or no answer. If he was to ask you the same back, what would be your answer?

Someone needs to break the cycle cause your just both wasting time, and his potential homelessness isnt a good enough reason either.

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 12-Feb-13 15:35:49

Baby I would suggest you get counselling for yourself, dont worry about his side of things, it seems you could do with exploring how you got to this point, and that means looking at your past.

babyjane67 Tue 12-Feb-13 15:41:46

i have asked him before if he loves me or not&always says yes in a omg here she goes again sort of way!!he'll say he wants to be with me cuz he'll be thinking of our dd&not particularly me or us.
i once told him when dd was a baby that i knew he didnt love me&was just here4her&of course he denied it.we're off out in a min so if i dont reply4whie thats why

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 12-Feb-13 15:48:06

it seems you have answered your own quetion then as regards him, you dont think he does, and his reasons are DD. Now your have to be honest with yourself, you sounds like you already know and are just thinking out loud, which is the point of this thread I suspect.

You have a choice, he doesnt have to live there to be there for his DD, and you are a the great position of not having to be re housed etc. Dont fall in to the trap of better the devil you know etc, get down the docs and ask to be put on to a list for some counselling. Or google some local agencies such as the YMCA if you are under 25, they do it for free.

babyjane67 Tue 12-Feb-13 21:26:17

thankyou for the advice.i will have to seriously think about it all

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