Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Ex at wedding

(207 Posts)
Heynegrita Tue 12-Feb-13 13:58:25

I am going to be chief bridesmaid at a wedding soon. My ex partner will be there with his new girlfriend. I left him approx 2 years ago for another man.

He has said I cannot bring my new partner to the wedding.

The wedding couple are friends of both of us. The groom being my ex's best friend.

Although I feel I cannot say anything as I would not spoil the wedding, I am wondering if I can leave early. I feel everyone will be judging me as all my exh friends have said they don't want my partner at the wedding either.

We are all in our thirties.

ChairmanWow Thu 14-Feb-13 16:54:17

Wow, he sounds like quite the catch. Can't think for a minute why you left him wink.

He's just trying to get back at you. It's not because he's still devastated it's because he's seen an opportunity to exercise some control over you. Don't forward the email to the bride and groom, it just puts thrm in an even more awkward position. Don't give him the satisfaction of a response to his email, go to the wedding and have a brilliant time, even if your partner isn't invited. He has no right to behave like this.

My (now) husband was dumped for another man by his ex after 12 years. We went to a wedding about 2 years on (we'd been together around 6 months) which the ex was attending with the guy he'd been dumped for. We had a really good laugh at the fact he a)looked like Chris Moyles and b) was getting really into Status Quo at the reception. Other than that they had no impact on our day or, more importantly, our friends' day. But then my hubby is a nice guy and not a bitter, miserable twat.

AutumnDreams Thu 14-Feb-13 17:01:53

Heynegrita you are behaving with a lot of dignity, but I really feel that the bride and groom need to be made aware of what your exH is saying. At least, that way, they will be aware that things may "kick off", and can make an informed decision before that happens.

Your new partner sounds very decent, and you have obviously make the right choice there.

Heynegrita Thu 14-Feb-13 17:22:55

I will talk to the bride and see what she thinks. I beginning to think she might not want me there.

pluCaChange Thu 14-Feb-13 19:10:49

Why do you think that the bride thinks that? If anything, your ex is going to be less and less desirable as a guest, the more he makes things difficult with regard to the guest list and now even her main helper at the wedding. I would have gone utterly bridezilla on soneone who tried to get my BM to drop out.

His poor GF! shock

pluCaChange Thu 14-Feb-13 19:11:19

Why do you think that the bride thinks that? If anything, your ex is going to be less and less desirable as a guest, the more he makes things difficult with regard to the guest list and now even her main helper at the wedding. I would have gone utterly bridezilla on soneone who tried to get my BM to drop out.

His poor GF! shock

Sugarice Thu 14-Feb-13 19:17:02

For starters, it's not his wedding, [what a twat!] so where does he get off suggesting you stay away unless the Bride is a coward and wants him to do her dirty work, is this a possibility?

Your Ex is still winding you up, you don't want this hassle.

Speak to the Bride and tell her what's going on and what are her feelings, it's her day so see what she says.

Heynegrita Thu 14-Feb-13 19:18:32

Because I spoke to my friend and said does anyone want my hotel room as I am going to leave early and she said thats probably best, whereas before she was very you have every right to be there, we will have a great time, don't worry about ex , etc.

DontmindifIdo Thu 14-Feb-13 19:22:09

OP - I would e-mail back a one line e-mail saying "If you can't be in the same room as me for a few hours, has it not occurred to you that you shouldn't go as you are the one with the problem?"

But then I can't be doing with pandering to guestzillas.

I would call your friend, tell her your ex has asked you to pull out of the wedding, ask her if she'd prefer you to not go at all to the wedding. If she would then back out with good grace (that also means she's not actually your friend, so best you cut her out, a good friend would tell him to suck it up).

Xales Thu 14-Feb-13 19:42:40

Poor bride is stuck between her DP and your ex/all his mates and a hard place.

Last thing she is going to want to do is cause stress with her soon to be H sad

They have already both shown they are two faced by being happy to see you with your P but drop him from a great height when asked.

I would be very surprised if she doesn't accept your backing out to keep the peace.

It is a very selfless thing for you to do and shows which of you and your ex are the true friends.

I would be a little hurt and cool the friendship if she does though. I am only human.

pluCaChange Thu 14-Feb-13 20:14:33

Incidentally, I once went to a wedding where my (actually cheating) ex was, and wouldn't have dreamed of causing a scene, let alone make a fuss beforehand, like the ridiculous brinkmanship you're describing (prepared to bugger up table arrangements, order of service and division of BM duties, and waste the money spent on your dress, etc., all on his last-minute whim?). I prepared a greeting, which was an acknowledgement that Twatface had made an impressive effort and had travelled far to attend, and that was it. I could blank him for the rest of the day, and no face was lost by anyone. What a pity your ex couldn't find a dignified way to manage contact with you.

Gosh, what a knob this man is. Given that you are chief bridesmaid and he is not in the wedding party except as a guest, it's pretty obvious that the bride and groom would rather have you there than him, which may be one of the reasons why he is stamping his ickle feet and roaring like this.
I would advise emailing him back saying 'If you can't behave like a grown up then you are the one who should stay at home.' and leaving it there.

Doha Thu 14-Feb-13 20:56:09

Or text back that you are part of the wedding party and he is not--your presence would probably be missed more than his as a guest. Tell him if he finds the whole situation to hard to deal with he should stay at home with his GF.

He is behaving like a spoilt selfish little brat and EVERYONE is going to give in and let him have his way - the bride, the groom and the op.

People who throw their toys out of their prams and stamp their feet and shout loudly generally do get their own way. It is such a shame no one is going to stand up to this bully boy.

angry

Heynegrita Fri 15-Feb-13 06:11:35

Thanks for all your replies. I think maybe exh is seeking closure. I don't know what else to say to him. I wish I had never agreed to be there.

I am just going to do whatever the bride wishes.

I'd email back and say what SGB said, adding "Can you stop putting pressure on the bride and groom. It's their day and you're causing un-necessary stress. This is not about you."

I went to a wedding where an ex was and I was very nervous about it to the point of crying a few quiet tears about it in the weeks before the wedding. But I didn't say a word about it to the bride / groom about how I felt, and I bought a new frock and brazened it out. Which is what people do up and down the country...

I'd go and take dp. You said your friends said he should come!

Fuck a man you was once married you far to dictate what you can and can't do. I'd tell him 'I'm getting in with my life chummy, and if you don't like that stay away.'

You owe him feck all and his behaviour is bloody juvenile.

Heynegrita Fri 15-Feb-13 06:53:05

Ha ha madame I love that!

Springdiva Fri 15-Feb-13 06:54:42

I was recently at a wedding where there were folk from ex marriages and second ex marriages (or is that ex second marriages?) and everyone behaved impeccably.

I think when the time comes he will be a mouse, unless you know him to be a heavy drinker or total prat.

I feel for his poor girlfriend.

I would go and be as nice and smiley to everyone as you can be and have a great time.

Go with your dp, behave impeccably and if XH behaves like a co k that's up to him.

I am really cross on your behalf.

Text him that if he sees you as dead, ignore you as you are obviously an apparition. Or maybe ask him to leave his girlfriend at home. Finish message with a wink and see if the saddo does so thinking there is the slightest chance that you will hook up.

No seriously, do not let him dictate what you can and can't do.

Or send XH the email he wants to explain why you did what you did.

He has a bigger cock than you and isn't a wanker.

That would be the one I would send to my XH.

Heynegrita Fri 15-Feb-13 07:01:26

But he seems to have whipped all our mutual friends into agreeing with him. That DP should not be there and will certainly not be made welcome. Now he seems to be thinking I should not be there at all either. Unless I sit down and discuss what went wrong with our marriage.

Heynegrita Fri 15-Feb-13 07:01:58

Which apparently he questions everyday.

Thumbwitch Fri 15-Feb-13 07:03:39

I'm beginning to see why you left him! Apart from your new P of course, who, from the limited info here, appears far more reasonable.

Why the fuck does he think that he has the right to dictate what you do in order to make things easier for him??
Sounds like he got over your split pretty quickly by getting a new partner - so he's not exactly dying from remorse and lovelorn-ness, is he?

I really hope the bride tells you that she still wants you as a BM. I mean, FFS! you're not just some random guest, you're part of the wedding party, which he isn't. Sour grapes, much?

No, you go. Hold your head high and ignore him - leave early because you want to get back to your DP, if you think that's better - but FGS, don't allow this man's bitterness to rule the rest of your life. I can pretty much guarantee that if you don't go to this wedding, you'll lose touch with most, if not all the friends who are there, as he will have open season on blackening your name.

I feel very sorry for his girlfriend as he's carting all this bitterness towards you around; it can't make her feel good that he's not over it.

2rebecca Fri 15-Feb-13 07:15:09

I wonder what he is expecting to come out of a "what went wrong with our marriage" discussion. Marriages are the same as other boyfriend/ girlfriend relationships and the bottom line is that a relationship ends when at least one of the parties thinks they would be happier out of the relationship than in it.
If you try discussing it then unless it's something obvious like DV or alcoholism you end up trying to blame each other and often exactly why you no longer fancied or wanted to be with someone can be hard to pin down and you end up sounding very petty or just insulting each other in a round about way which isn't good for the self esteem of either of you. Has he never ended a relationship ever?

Heynegrita Fri 15-Feb-13 07:18:36

I feel sorry for his G/f too.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now