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Ex at wedding

(207 Posts)
Heynegrita Tue 12-Feb-13 13:58:25

I am going to be chief bridesmaid at a wedding soon. My ex partner will be there with his new girlfriend. I left him approx 2 years ago for another man.

He has said I cannot bring my new partner to the wedding.

The wedding couple are friends of both of us. The groom being my ex's best friend.

Although I feel I cannot say anything as I would not spoil the wedding, I am wondering if I can leave early. I feel everyone will be judging me as all my exh friends have said they don't want my partner at the wedding either.

We are all in our thirties.

Doha Tue 12-Feb-13 19:00:19

Talk about double standards
The bride and groom are pandering to your ex's wishes at the expense of your feelings. Your ex is not a member of the wedding party you are-surely your feelings count. To be honest l think it is unfair of the groom to not want your DP at the wedding. Would he be so unreasonable if you called off being chief bridesmaid and made his bride upset?
I feel for your DP in all this, being excluded is a huge insult from so alled friends and l am not sure that l would be happy being bridesmaid in these circumstances.
Youe ex obviously still has issues, that's his problem no one elses and ater 2 years it is a bit naf to be pandering to him.

Cailinsalach Tue 12-Feb-13 19:22:12

I think all this has put you between a rock and a hard place.
Its really unfair for you.
If I was in your place I would tell the bride and groom that in order to keep the peace you will attend the wedding until the speeches are over but then you want to leave as you will feel a little bit meh on your own at a mainly couples event. However if they wish to withdraw their invitation to be a bridesmaid then you will accept with grace.

Whocansay Tue 12-Feb-13 20:18:00

I feel a bit sorry for your dp tbh. How does he feel about the exclusion?

If your friends are prepared to judge and take sides like this, I'm not sure they're really your friends. Crikey! It won't be uncomfortable at all the next time you and your dp go out with the b&g - oh no! (this may be sarcasm).

Hassled Tue 12-Feb-13 20:21:24

It sounds hideous beyond belief - excrutiating for you, but also for the bride and groom and assorted friends. Is there any way you could just not go at all - quietly withdraw? Or is it very important to you that you see your friends get married?

birdofthenorth Tue 12-Feb-13 20:27:08

Sounds like it would be pretty awful for your DP of he was there tbh, especially as you will be off bridesmaiding a lot of the time- are there mutual friends who would talk to him, or would he be left standing around awkwardly when you're in duty? Tbh as your ex now has a new partner I don't think the wedding couple are being very polite or forgiving, but I suppose you have to respect their wishes. Hope it doesn't cause longer term problems between your DP and your social circle. I would be very miffed in his place... think you are right to sneak off early. If your ex was still single and reeling I'd feel differently about the situation but you've both moved on...

Fairlygrounded Tue 12-Feb-13 20:39:19

I think it will be more awkward for the new girlfriend, seeing you as chief bridesmaid and unless she's really dense she'll figure out why your man isn't there, which is odd for her, that her new bf is essentially still not over what happened.
I was bridesmaid recently and a fellow, single, bridesmaid was anxious about seeing her ex and new gf at the do - basically the new gf got really pissed, packed off to bed and the fellow bm then spent the evening embroiled in one of those drunken heart to hearts with him trying to get her back - was so awkward all round the next morning!!
So if you stay watch the booze, but I wouldn't leave early because of them, wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

thegreylady Tue 12-Feb-13 20:54:27

Tbh I'd apologise and resign as bridesmaid and not go to the wedding at all.Explain to the bride that as your ex is there with his partner you will not feel comfortable being unaccompanied.

pluCaChange Tue 12-Feb-13 20:54:33

Ah, just put up with it for one day (not the night, though, unless it'sin a hotel miles away and ex could stalk you to your room). Bridesmaids aren't at weddings to have fun; they're there to keep the bride calm and happy, head off the mother of the bride, and hold the enormous bag of stuff which the bride needs but can't carry herself. Sorry to be a bit harsh, but that us my experience. After such a tiring day, it's quite reasonable for a BM to go "off duty". Sparing the company your ex's potential reactions is another great reason to go then.

Is the wedding taking place in the middle of nowhere?

Ahhhcrap Tue 12-Feb-13 21:02:39

Just smile, enjoy yourself and show your exP and other guests that you are the mature adult... Rise above it, it's not your day.

Plus you get to wear a great dress and presumably get your hair and make up done wink so you'll look great.

See out your duties then leave when you can..

sudaname Tue 12-Feb-13 21:06:37

YY to those who have pointed out how off this must seem to your exes new girlfriend.

It smacks of 'youre alright love but even though l'm with you l still cant bear to see my ex with another man'.

I just think its so insulting to her and if anyone left me for someone else l wouldnt in a million years give them the satisfaction of letting them know it bothered me seeing them with someone else.

He is humiliating himself and undermining his new girlfriend.

Can kinda see why you left him tbh. He sounds bitter and controlling.

Make sure you look as fantastic as possible btw that'll piss him off even more .

Heynegrita Wed 13-Feb-13 07:31:54

Thank you for all your replies. It was made worse because when we last went out with b/g the groom was oh you must come to my DP. He has said he won't come because he doesn't want to ruin the day.

I do also wonder what the new g/f must think. They got together just after the break up. So they have been together a while.

I will take the leave early approach I tink

Aussiebean Wed 13-Feb-13 07:42:53

You need to be careful here. You are allowing your ex to dictate your relationship. And the relationship of your joint friends.

It is not up to him to decide which events your DP gets to come to.

If you start to let him have this control now, it will be harder later on.

If the bride and groom want him there then he should. You should both stay sober and if ex starts up then your ignore and if necessary make your apologies and leave. Enduring you don't respond.

If he does anything then he will look the fool. But if you allow him to dictate now then he will dictate the birthday parties, the baby showers and on and on.

WannabeWilloughby Wed 13-Feb-13 07:43:16

For what it's worth I think your new partner sounds very dignified. Ex partner sounds like a child! if ever you needed confirmation that you had made the right choice, there it is.

I think you're doing right, stay for the essential bits and then leg it and have a lovely evening with your DP smile

Mimishimi Wed 13-Feb-13 10:35:54

Ask the bride.

sudaname Wed 13-Feb-13 10:39:42

I agree with Aussie completely. Yes your ex was the 'injured' party in your break up. But how long does his 'l was the victim in all this, so everyone must obey my wishes' martyr status, need to be tolerated.

Also agree with Wannabe about making right choice.

Heynegrita Wed 13-Feb-13 12:58:29

He was the injured party and I understand that. He said it feels like I have died and everything to do with me us a constant reminder.

So I will go alone in respect if this .

Heynegrita Wed 13-Feb-13 12:59:42

But I will never go to anything where he is involved again.

Whocansay Wed 13-Feb-13 13:06:48

He sounds like a total drama queen. It has been 2 years, you both have new partners, its time for him to get over himself.

I would totally blank him at the wedding. -And wear an ostentatious engagement ring to wind him up - probably not constructive though--

Heynegrita Wed 13-Feb-13 13:22:04

Ha ha that made me laugh.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 13-Feb-13 13:30:21

By asking OP to be chief bridesmaid I think the bride has nailed her colours to the mast (antique sayings 'R' us). I think if heynegrita turned round and said she can't face it, that would be a slap in the face for the bride. Whatever thr rights and wrongs of the past, it's the bride and groom's day. It does seem odd that you 4 socialise together but DP can't come, however that's how it is. Hope your ex keeps his distance and everyone remembers why they're there.

CartedOff Wed 13-Feb-13 13:37:41

I sort of agree with Whocansay. While your partner being absent may be the best choice, it absolutely wasn't your ex's place to tell you that you can't bring your boyfriend to the wedding. I have been in his situation before and I wouldn't dream of stating that, or putting the bride and groom in such an awkward position. It should be up to them who gets invited because it's their event, and it was their decision to make. Your ex doesn't have the right to inform you about who you can't bring. If he had a problem he should have had a quiet word with one of them rather than telling you about what you can and can't do.

He doesn't sound like he's really over it emotionally if he still thinks that it's like you've died and everything is a painful reminder.

Smellslikecatspee Wed 13-Feb-13 13:38:15

Seriously I get it has to be hard for him, but if i was the 'new' girfriend I would be seething once I realised what was going on.

Sounds to me like he might be single again soon. . .

Walkacrossthesand Wed 13-Feb-13 13:53:11

Make sure you have an answer ready for if his GF asks you why your partner isn't there - along the lines of smile sweetly & say ' he was invited but (ex) didn't want him to be here...' - just in case she hasn't worked it out!

pluCaChange Wed 13-Feb-13 14:20:51

No, that's mean, Walk. The GF doesn't need to be involved, unless she wants to be, andthat should be on her boyfriend's side (hopefully as silent support).

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 13-Feb-13 14:50:28

I actually had some vision of ex doing something desperate like proposing to gf in a very public show of, "Look Heynegrita I am soooooo over you!" but fortunately this is rl not telly so let's hope there won't be any dramas.

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