Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I don't know what do, I need some advice please

(22 Posts)
ConfusedInNeedOfAdvice Mon 11-Feb-13 22:43:40

This might be long, sorry but I don't want to dripfeed as I know how annoying it can be.

I don't think I love DP anymore. We've been together 6 years, we have a 20 month old DD. I am 21, he is 23. To put it bluntly, I'm sick of him. I'm sick of his sex drive (seems to want it all the time and moans about feeling neglected), I'm sick of not being able to trust him and I just don't respect him anymore at all. He has given me so many reasons not to trust him and yet I still forgive and forget.

Over the years there have been texts on his phone, the first time was to a girl he said owed him money and the only way he would get it back was to go out with her, I forgave him for that, I was only 15 and very naive. There have been other texts too, the most recent was texts to a 19yo escort (she said her age in the messages), when I confronted him he said a work colleague borrowed his phone but wouldn't tell me who it was.

There have been unexplained disappearances, he used to go to the gym every night after work before he got a mortgage, one time I happened to be walking past the gym and his car wasn't therr and when I got home and saw it wasn't there either I rang him. It rang for aaaaaages and when he eventually answered I asked where he was and he said he was waiting for a mate to go to the gym with, this was well over an hour since he'd left and DP does NOT wait for ANYONE EVER! Even his dad couldn't believe that (we lived at ILs at the time).

Another time he said he was going out of town to get my valentines present at 5.30 at night, so when he'd have got to his destination it would've been gone 6! V day came and I received a teddy and a box of chocs that he'd bought in town (told me what he was off to do when he went, different day to the evening trip!).

He did the same thing at christmas too, went out of town on 13th nov to buy my christmas present at gone 5.30. Christmas day came and I received a kindle which he told me that's what he'd gone out of town for, to get one from Asda. A couple of weeks ago I found the Tesco receipt for it for a completely different date and time, he couldn't explain the D&T but swore blind he'd told me Tesco! There have been other disappearances too.

We are on a swingers website, we have a couples profile and a single one each (for the simple reason that we like to have our own meets without the other occasionally) he has one with the condition I'm allowed to check up on him and he agreed to this, he is only meant to be meeting men (he is bisexual) I went out for the night on friday and he assured me he'd be staying in having a quiet one as he'd had a busy week at work so he'd enjoy some quiet time. I decided to check his messages on the site and he's been arranging to meet 19/20yo girls for the night I was away (not sure if they did meet, doesn't look like it as after his messages arranging a time there has been no reply.

I have no evidence that he's ever cheated on me, he's never owned up to anything. But my trust and respect for him is shot. I feel nauseus at the thought of getting intimate with him and I just don't know what to do.

Well done if you've finished it, sorry if you fell asleep!

I'm going to sleep now, spent 40 minuted typing this out on my phone! I'll check back in the morning.

Tia

rhondajean Mon 11-Feb-13 23:26:51

You already know everything I could possibly say here.

Get out now, before your dd grows up thinking this is how a man acts, and before you waste any more of your life on him. You are young and life is long and you will be happy again without all this bullshit.

Sleep well.

ImperialBlether Mon 11-Feb-13 23:50:13

I don't get it. If you are on a swingers' site and don't mind each other meeting up privately with others, then what's the big deal when he goes off with someone?

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 23:53:48

Gosh, you've packed a lot into your young life haven't you ?

How about dumping this loser and meeting some decent blokes? There are plenty of them out there.

ConfusedInNeedOfAdvice Tue 12-Feb-13 09:20:16

Imperial, it's the lying and cheating. Especially as he says he isn't interested in meeting with other women because he has me and doesn't need sex with anyone else.

I would leave if I could but I have nowhere to go. None of my family have room, I don't have any friends. I also have a very large dog that makes it even more difficult to get out.

ConfusedInNeedOfAdvice Tue 12-Feb-13 09:20:55

Imperial, it's the lying and cheating. Especially as he says he isn't interested in meeting with other women because he has me and doesn't need sex with anyone else.

I would leave if I could but I have nowhere to go. None of my family have room, I don't have any friends. I also have a very large dog that makes it even more difficult to get out. I don't have a job (SAHM) and I don't have any money. I can't even drive sad

ConfusedInNeedOfAdvice Tue 12-Feb-13 09:21:30

Oops.

Thistledew Tue 12-Feb-13 09:37:10

Sexual fidelity is not part of your relationship. Either you accept that, or you have a serious chat with your partner and re-set the boundaries of your relationship, or you leave and seek a relationship with someone who will offer you that. Your P's absences are very likely to be due to him having sex with other people, because that is an intrinsic part of your life together.

You are young, and have time to work on becoming independent and able to stand on your own two feet, but you need to start to work on this now, as your P will not offer you the exclusivity you are after. What aspirations do you have for your life? How will you work to achieve them?

Absoluteeightiesgirl Tue 12-Feb-13 09:37:21

It all seemed to point one way in your post until I got to the part about a swingers site and couple/individual profiles hmm

I have no experience of swinging however I can't understand on any level how your relationship functions with this propping it up.
If I were you I would be less concerned about the lying/cheating and more concerned about the fact that at aged 21 you and your DP seek out individual sexual experiences as well as swinging.
So, am I right in saying you don't have an issue with his shagging other women as long as you know about it and they are off the website you both use?
That to me is fucked up. Sorry but confused

That said, I am happy to be put right about the use of swinging in LTR's

AnyFucker Tue 12-Feb-13 09:41:45

This girl is 21

This "LTR" started when she was 15

She is now trapped in a fucked up situation with a baby, no way to support herself, unable to even drive and nowhere to go

There are more concerns than meets the eye here

Absoluteeightiesgirl Tue 12-Feb-13 09:49:10

Do you have family nearby?
I can't see the point of continuing this relationship.
I think you need to get advice about benefits, housing etc. at least then you will feel like you do actually have options.
Whose idea was the swinging?

Absoluteeightiesgirl Tue 12-Feb-13 09:50:02

sorry.... Just saw comment about family

ConfusedInNeedOfAdvice Tue 12-Feb-13 09:50:53

He doesn't actually shag other women, as I said in my OP, did no-one read the bit about him only meeting men?

What does LTR stand for?

ConfusedInNeedOfAdvice Tue 12-Feb-13 09:54:34

By the way AF, what other concerns are there?

Absoluteeightiesgirl Tue 12-Feb-13 09:55:00

Um.... You said he was meeting 19/20 girls

Absoluteeightiesgirl Tue 12-Feb-13 09:56:00

Stupid IPad.... 19/20 year old girls
LTR'S is a long term relationship

ConfusedInNeedOfAdvice Tue 12-Feb-13 10:02:24

Ahh yes, but that was another example of his lying. When it was set it up he said it was so he could meet men only as he didn't need/want other women.

LTR, seems obvious now blush

Absoluteeightiesgirl Tue 12-Feb-13 10:15:34

Either I have missed something or have misunderstood but it looks to me like he really IS shagging other women.
I think if you read back on your posts you will find your answer as to what you should do. You now need to consider the practicalities and get some advice on what help is available to you.

namechanger11111 Tue 12-Feb-13 10:19:34

Who's idea was the swinging?

ScottyDoc Tue 12-Feb-13 10:28:41

OP get out now. You will be re housed in emergency accommodation if you let the council know, and you can apply for some benefits money wise. The swinging and all that at your age sounds insane and I don't think it's healthy. Get out for you and your dds sake and start afresh. Your boyfriend is a loser.

...my trust and respect for him is shot. I feel nauseus at the thought of getting intimate with him

Right. Well there's your answer. It's over and now you need to concentrate on how to manage the separation. Have you any support in RL?

I am into group sex and swinging myself but you started this too young, I think, OP. And more importantly, it's not making you happy. While your P is only a couple of years older than you so not the classic predatory type, I think he has put you under pressure to please and obey him rather than giving you a chance to work out who you are and what you want. If you have a chat with the CAB, SHelter, your local council etc, you will be able to work out your options: you may get housing benefit or tax credits etc. You may, in time, be able to have a civil and friendly co-parent relationship with this man, but probably not a romantic one.

This is not to say that swinging and open relationships are bad, they are often excellent and much healthier than possessive-obsessive ones. But right now you need to focus on yourself and your child. Best of luck.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now