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Or is DH - re co-sleeping?

(203 Posts)

DD doesn't spend a whole night in her cot any more (she used to). Between 1am and 3am she wakes up for comfort (not food or anything else) and I bring her into bed with DH & I.

DH is very against this and says I need to start making her sleep the whole night in her cot, rocking her back to sleep in the dark and so on, apparently we're making a rod for our backs, especially as he wants her to go into her own room soon.

DH does no nights with DD and hasn't since she was 6 weeks old (he could - we mix feed DD).

DD is 5 months old.

Me, I reckon as it's me dealing with nights I should just carry on what is easiest for DD & I, & I'm not fussed if DD goes into her own room next month or in five months although I think I'd prefer her to stay close to me longer.

Who is being U, please?!

magimedi Argentina Mon 11-Feb-13 17:41:03

If he is doing no nights (& why not??) that YANBU to do things in the way that is easiest for you & DD.

SashaSashays Mon 11-Feb-13 17:41:28

He is being unreasonable for not doing anything at night then thinking he can make demands about it.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 11-Feb-13 17:42:36

Yanbu, why does he want her in her own room?

Iggly Mon 11-Feb-13 17:42:47

He is being unreasonable. Idiot.

My dd coslept like yours until around 9/10 months when it became clear I was disturbing her. So I just put her back into her cot and after a few days she settled right down. She's 14 months now and sleeps in there all night.

When he is willing to get up with her every night and do all the settling and comforting and everything else, then he gets to dictate where she sleeps.

KenLeeeeeee Mon 11-Feb-13 17:43:05

Neither of you are being particularly U, but I think you could both benefit from reading up on sleep regression (very common around 4 - 5 months) and realising that it's ok for her sleep habits to have suddenly changed.

Does your DH appreciate that sometimes getting a baby back to sleep in the cot isn't as simple as rocking them back to sleep in the dark? Sometimes the options are stay up all night, battling a howling baby OR all snuggle into bed together for a couple of hours.

Seeing as he does no nights with her, I think you get the deciding vote on how to handle the waking. If he carries on with the "rod for your own back" nonsense, tell him to do the night shifts for a few days and see how quickly he decides that cosleeping is the way forward!

GirlOutNumbered Mon 11-Feb-13 17:44:14

Yanbu if you are doing the night shifts. Whatever works for you.

Iggly Mon 11-Feb-13 17:45:09

Just to add - is he resentful? Just wondered.

I let my DH know full well how the broken sleep affected me and that cosleeping was how I coped. He fully supported me in my decisions - never questioned me or made suggestions (until he started taking over a bit).

MrsKoala England Mon 11-Feb-13 17:55:48

Dh won't do nights. I co sleep because otherwise I would be dead. Ds is 5 months and he sleeps with us all night.

Midori1999 Mon 11-Feb-13 17:57:29

Well you really don't need to worry about making a rod for your own backs, all of mine have slept in with me either some or most of the time and they have all also always slept well in their own beds a lot of the time.

4-5 months is a dreadful time for night wakings and you just need to do what you can to get the most sleep so you can function the next day. If its you dealing with your DD at night, then it really should be your decision.

Does your DH find it hard to sleep with her in the bed perhaps? Would he be willing to sleep somewhere else in the short term? Or help with the night wakings if he doesn't want to do that? Or is he purely worried your DD will never sleep in her own bed?

NeedlesCuties Mon 11-Feb-13 18:02:38

Also, are you really sure she doesn't want fed? Often they have a growth spurt around that age and can get more hungry.

5madthings Mon 11-Feb-13 18:08:03

Yanbu he is. If he wants things done differently hr can get up and do.it himself!

This is classic sleep regression and growth spurt age.

ihearsounds Mon 11-Feb-13 18:13:42

If he doesn't want lo in bed, then he has another choice. Get up during the night and deal with lo. If he isn't prepared to take responsibility at night, then tough really.

Why doesn't he want to do nights?

Thanks for all the replies.

DH doesn't get up with her at nights because he started a new, stressful job 3 months ago plus he can be a real cunt when he's tired so we're more or less agreed I do nights (although I wish he'd at least do some at the weekend - I've given up asking though).

Thanks for telling me about sleep regression - DH is blaming a visit to my DPs where I let DD co-sleep as she was in a strange place!

I don't think he is affected by co-sleeping - she's on my side and he doesn't wake. He does wake if I have to take her downstairs for a feed though. We have an inflatable bed if it was to affect him but he hasn't needed to. He's fixated on DD going into her own room at 6 months as that's what the SIDS advice says about 'first 6 months' in your room plus he thinks he'll get more sex when she's not in our room.

Definitely not hungry - if I take her into bed she goes straight back to sleep - no rooting for a feed.

whitby36 Mon 11-Feb-13 18:24:11

I am going through exactly the same thing op. My dd is almost 5 months. Finally settles at about 10.30pm and is awake again at 1am. At 1am I take her into the bed with me and feed her back to sleep. This is where she stays till morning.
I have done all the night wakings as she is breastyfed and I have two older dc. i would not function unless i did this so op yanbu.

Jinsei Mon 11-Feb-13 18:26:17

He is being a twat. Sleep deprivation is awful, and if he doesn't have to get up, he doesn't get to dictate how you manage.

So the consensus is that I'm not BU, thank you all. 'Cos DH is such a good Dad in every other way & and a good husband too - he shares nappy changes, bath times, feeds DD, makes up bottles, does her washing, gets up with her at least once every weekend to give me a lie-in although not until she's woken me up with her chattering, and does the cooking, puts the dishwasher on and un-stacks it on evenings and helps with washing tooin addition to other things - I was starting to doubt myself over this!

Bobyan Mon 11-Feb-13 18:51:10

gets up at least once a weekend to give me a lie-in

I should bloody hope so, if he isn't doing nights. He sounds like a bit of a knob.

FrameyMcFrame Mon 11-Feb-13 18:57:29

He's got a bloody nerve hasn't he?
Tell him to wake up and take his turn. Does he work weekends?

He could give you a break then at the VERY LEAST.
If not then he has no right to dictate what you do when you have to wake up every night.

Show him this thread?

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 11-Feb-13 19:01:32

I was under the impression that the most up to date advice given regarding reducing SIDS risk was 6-12 months in your room, at least that was the advice I was given when taking part in a SIDS study that's been ongoing for years.

Your DH thinks that bringing her into your bed is making a rod for your own back, but rocking her back to sleep in the dark is the solution? If you believe in the "rod for your own back" theory then I think rocking a child to sleep in the dark is a far worse rod than snuggling up and going back to sleep with them. And unless he is interested in doing his fair share of rocking then he is making a rod for your back, not his.

I'd get a double bed for your DD's room (if it will fit) and you can co-sleep in there with her when she wakes up.

chandellina Mon 11-Feb-13 19:35:34

I am very much of the same school as your dh for not wanting to make rods. However 5 months is too young to be trying to "train" her. Give it a few months at least!

Totally agree with breatheslowly - rocking to sleep in the dark creates a much roddier-rod than co-sleeping, and in this weather, it's fuh-REE-zing and everyone gets less sleep.

I can only speak for this point in time, because knowing him as I do, he'll go and change for the worse again, but I've co-slept part-time with 8.5mo DS for the past couple of months - he'd start the night in his cot, then when I couldn't stand the getting up and down any longer, I'd decamp with him to the spare bedroom. He gradually started sleeping longer stretches in his cot and for the past couple of weeks, he's had several full nights in his cot (still waking up a few times, mind, but not quite so often, and he'll go back into his cot fairly happily straight after a feed mostly).

My DH doesn't do night wakings either, but only because DS won't settle AT ALL for him. He always offers and says how much he wants to be able to help. Tell your lazy arse husband that your friend, Elphaba, works full time and does ALL the night wakings with her baby (sometimes upwards of six a night). She is also in a new and stressful job. He will live.

TheFunPolice Mon 11-Feb-13 20:40:47

DH was against co-sleeping at first. Two nights in a row battling a screaming baby (I woke him up each time I had to get up) changed his mind. Some sleep is better than no sleep. Now he loves it. Especially when her first teeth came through and she koala'd his arm all night.

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