Do your DH's say this about you?

[tummyfull]

I'm new here, but have been lurking for some time. Love the support and honest advice. Looking for some myself.

So...DH got an email about five years ago from an ex gf. It was very basic hello/hi stuff. He replied, including that he was married. After that there were a couple of other exchanges and nothing since. DH was open and honest about all of them. There was nothing in the emails to suggest anything. Though it seemed to me like the ex gf was a bit lonely. I also found it odd that her first email didn't mention that she was married, though she did talk about her new job. She only mentioned marriage when DH wrote saying he was married.

Just yesterday, the ex gf writes again. DH showed me the email immediately after he saw it. Being the nosey parker that I am, I scrolled down to see the previous email exchanges. I realised that the initial reply that DH had written (those five years ago) had been returned undelivered and he had written another email. This particular email I had not seen, until yesterday. It was very basic but the thing that bothered me was this "I am now married, which keeps me busy". He then went on to talk about work etc etc. Not a long email.

"I am married now, which keeps me busy" - if you saw this coming from your DH, what would you think? I was and still am very upset and hurt. I was not looking for appraise but a simple ' I am happily married' or even ' I am now married' would do. I always go on and on when I describe DH to someone - I'm married to a wonderful man, blah blah blah. I don't expect DH to do the same but to say marriage keeps him busy is a bit hurtful. Work and children may keep someone busy but to say a marriage keeps one busy??

DH thinks I am over reacting to a 'flippant' comment. That I just need a reason to argue.

By way off background, I got married to DH about 8 years ago and moved to the UK. I am not from the UK. DH is English. I eventually settled down, got a good job, made some friends etc. DH then got a very job in a third country and we moved here. We have been here for about 4 1/2 years. I had to restart all over again. We have a good life here, though it's not an easy country to live in. It is lonely at times and my whole life revolves around my two DCs. We do not go out in the evenings, we don't really meet friends, unless I force DH to belong. We do not entertain. This place is a very country club lifestyle type of place and we do not do any of it. I don't change out of my pajamas all weekend as I know we are not going anywhere. DH has made it clear that he doesn't really want to go out. Sometimes we do things but not often. The only real outings are birthday parties, nursery related events. When dads are invited, DH always comes along. Our marriage is all about the children, I feel. I feel DH does not take my feelings into consideration ( I never wanted to move here by the way) nor do I feel desired or appreciated.

I feel this comment is exactly what DH feels of me - a bit of a burden, a nagging, cranky wife he has to deal with at the end of the day, someone who has woren him out with all the arguing.

Advice and perspective much appreciated. Have I blown this whole thing out of proportion? Sorry for the long post!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I wouldn't think twice about it, it's just conversation. "How are things?".... "Keeping busy?".... pretty normal stuff referring to life, kids, marriage, job, the daily grind. If you think there are big problems in your relationship that's a different matter. But the idea of marriage keeping someone busy is a pretty throwaway remark IMHO

[Aspiemum2]

Wow! A lot going on in your head at the moment. Which is why you've probably reacted the way you have. In my view his comment was nothing to bother about, I really don't think he comes across badly.

Clearly there are issues that need resolving though as you are obviously feeling lonely and neglected.

Have you tried speaking to him about the other stuff? I would probably apologise if I were you. Something like "I know I completely overreacted about the email but I think I know why". And then explain why you aren't happy (not in a 'its all your fault' kind of way but in a more neutral sense iykwim)

[tummyfull]

Thanks for replying. Even if it was pre-children? Hmmm, I probably have over reacted.

[cestlavielife]

the commetn is not an issue.
your current lifestyle is - if this bothers you -
"I don't change out of my pajamas all weekend as I know we are not going anywhere."

dont you take the dc out on the weekend? do you do this in pjamas?

[tummyfull]

haha, I do change out of my pajamas if I take the DCs out. Thanks all for replying. I have over reacted. I now feel bad.

[squeaver]

The "keeps me busy" comment is completely innocuous and definitely not worth getting so upset about.

BUT, it's brought these other issues to the forefront. You're clearly not happy with the life you have and you need to discuss it with your husband. Do you have to stay where you are? Are there options for your husband to move elsewhere?

If not, is there anything you can do to improve the quality of your life? You sound very sad and resentful and that's not going to get any better unless you have some honest communication with your husband. Based on the evidence you've presented here (i.e. showing you the emails) it doesn't sound like he'd have a problem with this.

[Aspiemum2]

Well I must admit I'm probably guilty of :

Married?
"Yes, keeps me out of mischief"

Which is pretty similar I guess, it's just an off the cuff remark.

Tbh I find people who go on and on about how happy they are nauseating aren't always as happy as they suggest. It's the quiet couples who just muddle along who seem to have the lasting relationships.

[squeaver]

Well, if it was pre-children, I actually think that was his way of fending her off. "I have a very busy marriage, so back off".

[CajaDeLaMemoria]

There's two issues here...

1 - The comment. I have no kids but my DP describes me as keeping him busy...I probably do! It's just a colloquialism here...nothing major.

2 - You sound depressed. It's easy to fall into the trap of feeling worthless, and staying in your pyjamas really will make you feel worse. Get dressed, and do your hair. It might feel pointless if you are going nowhere, but it'll give you a boost that you can't imagine.

If you feel like this often you might benefit from a trip to see your GP, because you sound quite down.

[GlaikitFizzog]

It was a throw away comment he made 5 years ago, I really don't think you should be getting upset by it now. However, you sound unhappy. Maybe this is an opportunity to speak openly to your DH about how yu feel isolated in your new country, your lack of social life etc.

Is there anything you could get involved in on your own? I'm thinking you are in the Middle East, you may not be but thats the sense im getting. there must be an expat community you can't get in with. Maybe a mum at nursery or join a book club?

[Numberlock]

I agree that the comment is nothing to be concerned about.

But it sounds like there are things in your marriage that could change for the better and this in turn might make you less likely to see problems.

It doesn't sound good that you don't socialise and don't go anywhere. There must be some places you can go to, just the two of you, or some like-minded people you would enjoy spending time with.

Also, this:

Our marriage is all about the children, I feel. I feel DH does not take my feelings into consideration ( I never wanted to move here by the way) nor do I feel desired or appreciated)

You've given up a lot - two moves to two different countries in a short space of time - and perhaps you're not getting enough back in return to make it feel it was worth you're while.

A lot of things going on here, I feel.

[tummyfull]

Thank you everyone for posting. I agree, there are other issues. This has just brought everything else out.

[scaevola]

I'm not sure if DH would say anything like that.

But was wondering if it was really the old comment that bothered you,or the discovery now that he made more effort than you realised to stay in touch with her?

[Thingiebob]

It's just a silly off the cuff remark. I agree with other posters, that there are other issues.

I am sure there are plenty of helpful MNers who would be happy to give advice and listen if you want to keep posting?

[CheeseStrawWars]

"I'm married, which keeps me busy." - I'd take that as him saying to her in a roundabout way that he doesn't want to meet up for a drink so don't ask. His time is too busy being devoted to his wife...

[Numberlock]

Also a refreshing change to hear that he's been open about all this, compared to a lot of threads on here.

[Tryharder]

Agree with the others that the remark was nothing, completely throwaway.

I can sympathise with your DH wrt not wanting to go out. I was an expat for a while (pre-marriage) and hated with a passion the whole British country club expat lifestyle.

But, while it's fine for your DH to want to come home and put his feet up of an evening after a busy day in his job, it's obviously crap for you if you've already spent the day staring at 4 walls. Would you perhaps be able to get a job or do some voluntary work? Get involved with a church activity or a charity? I think you need to stop relying on your DH to make life good for you and take back a bit of the responsibility.

[tummyfull]

Scaevola, thank you. I'll be honest, everything about it bothers me- that he made that kind of effort to stay in touch, that he said he'll get in touch if he was ever in her part of the world (though I doubt he actually would). I feel when it comes to me, he has this yeah whatever approach. And when he emailed her, it just seemed like an actual effort. I know this is my irrational self talking. Oh I just need to get over this and move on!

But before I move on :) one more thing - I got a very good offer here, which I wouldn't take up as the children are very small but I was very flattered. I didn't even apply. I was speaking to someone in the field and they thought I would be perfect for the job. When I told DH, he said "I wouldn't get involved if I was you". That was it. No more discussion. He didn't say, well done, you got this offer. When he wrote to the ex ( I know it was 5 years ago!!), he mentioned how he was happy that she was finally doing the kind of job she always wanted to do.

So Scaevola, you have said a lot in your post. It is the effort that was made that is completely lacking when it comes to me.

[WannabeWilloughby]

I was just going to say the same as cheese straws. Subconsciously, maybe, he's trying to say his time is too full to meet up etc.

[Numberlock]

Is that offer now closed?

[tummyfull]

It is not closed....

[YouOldSlag]

I agree with previous posters. He is saying "marriage keeps me busy so don't go asking to meet up"

[TheFallenNinja]

I think your reading way, way too much into this. Way too much.

It's a simple throwaway comment

[Numberlock]

It is not closed....

I'd get back in touch with the person who offered you the job. See how you could make it could fit in with your life.

[CartedOff]

Have you told your husband about how you feels he views you? If so, what did he say? If from your perspective he doesn't support you as much as you'd like and views you as a nag then you should really talk about that as some point. It's no good for your self-esteem for you to feel this way, whether he actually views you in the way you describe or not. It does sound like this is part of a wider issue: that he offers an ex he doesn't even see his support and positivity while you, his wife, don't get that.