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So why do the OW do it?

(192 Posts)
carolst Mon 11-Feb-13 14:24:11

So loads of threads discuss about the H and why they have an affair/emotional affair/whatever and the fault mustlay at their feet, but the OW have to take some responsibility don't they?

Why do the do it? How could they do it? Especially if breaking up their own family in process, and even worse if they have children?

My H obsessional texting affair OW has split her own family, claims her problems are from her own mother having an affair and splitting family, but yet shows no remorse and is actually out to get me for blowing whole thing open?

Explain please?

AnyFucker Thu 21-Feb-13 20:38:47

Glad you are feeling better physically.

DiscretionAdvised Thu 21-Feb-13 20:37:02

Went to see doc this morning. Have acyclovir so hopefully will calm down soon. She's put me on low dose for next six months as this is the fourth flair up in three months.

Bum is sore and weeping but that's possibly tmi. Feeling bad as had to parcel out kids today and take it easy. It's half term and I have hardly seen them. They have gone to exdh tonight and for the day tomorrow.

Feeling a bit better today, the om has been very sweet and reassuring. I understand where you are all coming from and I am listening however I trust my instincts that he is for real. If you knew the details of his life then you would be telling him to leave his relationship. I guess he is trying harder than me to do it the right way and put our physical relationship on hold until he is out. Sadly it's me that is left feeling vulnerable and insecure.

AnyFucker Thu 21-Feb-13 19:32:57

How is your eye, and your bum, today ?

DiscretionAdvised Wed 20-Feb-13 21:49:48

Will see her first thing tomorrow. This is fourth time in three months. Hopefully nip it bud before spreads to my nose. Now eye is swollen sore and itchy.

AnyFucker Wed 20-Feb-13 21:45:22

A small part of your woes, but could you ring your GP and get a prescription for Acyclovir to limit the eye blisters ?

DiscretionAdvised Wed 20-Feb-13 21:44:07

Oh and ds1 has vomiting bug!

DiscretionAdvised Wed 20-Feb-13 21:40:43

Just to add another element to my woes I have a cold sore developing under my eyelid. It flairs up when I am run down.

Hey let's list my self pity...
Dh moved out two weeks ago, desperately painful though I know it's the right thing
In love with om who is asking me to wait
Skin tag removed from anus: hurty bottom
And fucking herpes in my eye!
A stack load of work to do tomorrow, three small kids to look after, financial worries, and my Dd's party to organise for sun, room to organise for lodger moving in next week.

Now need to sneak Dd's splint on without waking her!

I made my bed, I shalt lie on it!

badinage Wed 20-Feb-13 21:31:16

I'm sure sad

Glad you're okay though.

Something that might help psychologically is instead of stating things as facts, get into the habit of saying to yourself 'he says.......' e.g. 'he says he'd wanted to leave for a long time' instead of 'he wanted to leave for a long time'. The first is an indisputable fact, the second is a belief. This is a habit I encouraged in a friend's similar situation and it did seem to make a difference.

I too think counselling might help. I hope you sleep well tonight and that you've got nothing too onerous to deal with tomorrow so you can recuperate.

AnyFucker Wed 20-Feb-13 21:26:03

Erm, that is something you don't need any day < yowcher >

Have your eyes stopped leaking now ? Just your bum left to dry up ? You poor sod ....

DiscretionAdvised Wed 20-Feb-13 21:22:17

An operation for skin tags on my anus was so not what I needed today

DiscretionAdvised Wed 20-Feb-13 21:18:46

Yes I know I should.

I'm promising myself!

AnyFucker Wed 20-Feb-13 20:07:36

You don't have to promise us anything. You don't even owe us an explanation. I can't remember if you are having counselling in RL...it would help immensely, I think

DiscretionAdvised Wed 20-Feb-13 19:52:23

Thanks - op went fine. Just a big groggy! So apologies for typos!

So I was also surprised that on my thread that I said that before the accident my marriage was good. I had been unhappy since dd was born. I guess I just thought that companionship was enough. We have always been good companions. However I have never really fancied him or connected with him intellectually. We have drifted into the next step. 30 min before the accident we had a blazing row and I told him I wanted him out of my life.

You saw how I felt after the accident. I tried desperately to make my marriage work. DH made no attempt. He has done some shitty shitty things to me over the years (e.g. Leaving me pregnant, looking after a toddler on christmas day in a travel lodge so he could go out drinking, and we're not talking late at night). I knew I wanted out and lacked the courage to do it. I remember clearly the moment I decided to do it. I was talking to the om but without any awareness or interest that he would become the om. We talked and talked about our crappy lives and desire to leave. He said then, as he says now he will leave in march. It was his plan then and he has not deviated from it. A couple of days later we kissed for the first time. A week after that I told dh I wanted out. I am not so impulsive to end my marriage after a single kiss with another man.

So the om has never deviated from his plan to leave in march when he will be in a financial position to do so. So whilst I think having the om in the background has given me the strength to go through with it it is not why. My bf in rl who knows and loves dh, but has known me throughout implores me not to go back to dh even if it doesn't work out with om. She says she knows I have never loved him in the right way. I have never felt the butterflies and excitement about seeing dh that I do about the om, not even in the early days.

For the om, yes the two are mixed. As I said he wanted to leave for a long time but made the decision the same time as me: when we were no more than friends. Separation takes time and money. Dh and I were able to live under the same roof through this process, whilst the om knew that with his dp it would be impossible.

We have known each other for years. Admittedly the affair started shortly after the friendship developed but we both stated our intentiods to end our relationships before the affair. It is important to both of us to disentangle the two in our own minds because it puts too much pressure on the relationship iyswim.

I promise that if he hasn't moved out by easter I will walk away.

badinage Wed 20-Feb-13 18:56:09

I hope your op. goes well DA and that you recuperate well. I can see how wretched you feel and I feel sympathy for anyone who's feeling like that.

I think it must be the hardest thing ever in these relationships to have a grip on the truth/reality. For example he says he wants to leave for him and not for you, but that must be an impossibility for him to separate the two. Realistically, the thoughts in our head and the feelings associated with them don't have demarcation lines like that. I hear everything you say about being surprised that in the initial stages of your other thread you said repeatedly that your marriage was happy and strong before your daughter's accident, but I can't help wondering why if that wasn't the case, you would keep saying it on an anonymous internet forum. Although I've never been in this situation myself, I do know that affairs distort perceptions because I've seen that happen so many times with friends and colleagues.

It must also be so hard to hear someone you trust completely telling you things about his relationship and his partner and having the wisdom to remember that this is just his spin on things; the reality might be completely different. To be able to stand back and consider what his motives might be for exaggerating or lying about how bad his partner is and his deep unhappiness, to a woman who so needs to believe he's a good person who wouldn't have had an affair unless his circumstances were dire and/or his feelings for you, so strong.

Just try to keep in mind that beliefs and truth aren't always the same thing and that while your beliefs about your own marriage have become your truth and so you feel you're representing yourself honestly to the OM, he might be doing the same thing or because he is less invested, could even be cognitively aware that he is actually misrepresenting his situation to fit the image you have of him.

It's a sound protective measure to acknowledge that truth can get distorted to fit what we want to believe; about ourselves and others.

DA, I've read your threads and know that you are a fantastically strong woman.

Some fairy tales do have happy endings - I think you will too.

But I don't get the impression that it will be with him. I dont think he is good enough for you - still, if he was the push you needed to change an unhappy situation, then some good has come of it.

Good Luck with the op.

DiscretionAdvised Wed 20-Feb-13 18:10:46

Maybe... But some fairy tales have happy endings. Whilst I appreciate the chances are slim,

I am listening to everyone, I really am. You all have a snapshot of a complicated situation. I am certain that he will leave his dp, I am far from certain that we will end up together. If nothing else we will have both extracted ourselves from unhappy relationships.

Fwiw - he did not know until last night that I was having op today (neither did I). I would hardly expect him to drop everythine. ExDH wouldn't have been here with me today either. He telephoned me the moment I said I was having op - the first time he has ever phoned me as we coomunicate by text/email/in person. .

KirstyWirsty Wed 20-Feb-13 17:18:45

Sorry DA I think you are living in fairytale land and you are going to be brought down to earth with a bump. He's not rushing to be with you .. You are experiencing what mistresses for hundreds of years have felt .. You are there for him .. When you are in hospital he is with his wife

DiscretionAdvised Wed 20-Feb-13 15:34:56

So to answer your question... I believe him to be genuine. So I really should cheer up, back off and give him the space he needs to sort his life out.

Then we can explore a future together.

DiscretionAdvised Wed 20-Feb-13 15:29:06

Thanks ATA

So if I take a subjective look at the facts and actions I see this.

He cares for me deeply but doesn't love me (same goes for me)
He has felt pressure from me which he hasn't liked. He needs to feel he is leaving for him not me
He has complex guilt emotions that I don't fully understand. Seems to relate to his daughter
He has a complex relationship with his dp. I genuinely think he loathes her but is also scared of her. She has controlled his life in the most ridiculous ways for a long time. He will be in a very bad emitioonal state for the next weeks as the separation goes ahead.
He adores his daughter and knows that this will ultimately change his relationship with her. However he believes that that is better that her growing up seeing a toxic relationship with constant rows.

He loves being with me, he wants to be with me, and believes we may have a future together. However can't make promises.
He feels uncomfortable if he thinks I have expectations of a future together (I don't, but I do have expectations of exploring the possibility of one and at least starting a 'relationship'.

Apologies for typos... Bloody blackberry!

I'm in hospital waiting for a minor op and feeling very alone and insecure. I have spent much of the day crying.

asktheaudience Wed 20-Feb-13 13:06:26

My H certainly isn't 'the type'.
When he was at the height of his arsey behaviour, a friend who'd been through similar asked me if he could be having an affair and I said no way! He might be an arse, but he's not a cheat or a liar.

Except that he was a cheat. With married mother of two. And still is a liar.

On the one hand he comes across as genuinely guilt-ridden. But his actions are those of a completely self-absorbed man whose main aim is to protect his own back and get away with not facing up to his failings or the consequences of his actions. He is just very good at manipulating the impression he gives of himself to others.

It's very disorientating. And not just for me but for everyone who knows what has been going on. The fallout has been immense.

Don't be fooled, DA. You and he might both want to believe that it will all work out for you, and he might be saying what you want to hear, but be aware that his guilt might also extend to you now that you've left your husband.

Look at the facts and his actions, or lack of, to decide how genuine this man really is.

zavi - no, they aren't all 'young, free and single'. H's OW was married with 2 young kids. So does that make her 'as bad' as him?

Personally I don't give a stuff anymore what her motivation was. I could speculate, and have done. But in the end it doesn't matter. I just wish both she and H had actually thought it through properly - the pain they have caused is immense. For bugger all! Stupid feckers.

jellybeans Wed 20-Feb-13 10:34:27

They rarely seem 'the type'. These are selfish men who put their own desires about their DC's needs and the person they made vows with. Years and years later people will still talk about the affair, future grandkids etc. How embarassing! My FIL has 'moved on' with OW every few years. DH has a collection of step mothers now. He is a 'lovely man' but obviously gets a bit chicken when the relationship becomes 'real life'. Of course OW are great while it is fun and they only present their good bits but move in together and throw in ex wives, step kids etc etc things get stressful! You may swap yourexs '10 annoying things' but get another set of 'annoying things'. Grass is rarely greener etc. If he loved you he would have left..

DiscretionAdvised Wed 20-Feb-13 10:24:59

Btw, I have had numerous messages from him over last 24 hr reassuring me that he does want to be with me as soon as he is free to do so. Also that it won't be long now and that we are nearly there. I just don't seem to hear them at the moment. I guess listening to the hurt ladies on here is my only reason for doubt. Every thing I know of him and every instinct tells me to trust him in what he's saying.

DiscretionAdvised Wed 20-Feb-13 10:21:00

Nope... That would be far less painful and at least I would have an idea about the road to recovery sad

kalidanger Wed 20-Feb-13 08:59:32

It's like watching a car crash.

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