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So why do the OW do it?

(192 Posts)
carolst Mon 11-Feb-13 14:24:11

So loads of threads discuss about the H and why they have an affair/emotional affair/whatever and the fault mustlay at their feet, but the OW have to take some responsibility don't they?

Why do the do it? How could they do it? Especially if breaking up their own family in process, and even worse if they have children?

My H obsessional texting affair OW has split her own family, claims her problems are from her own mother having an affair and splitting family, but yet shows no remorse and is actually out to get me for blowing whole thing open?

Explain please?

Looksgoodingravy Mon 11-Feb-13 22:40:07

Being the person who has been cheated on has been so very tough but even before this happened I know I would never be the ow as I could never piss on somebody's feelings.

If the ow is aware of a dw/dp then she is equally responsible for causing the devastation to that relationship.

You have to be a special kind of selfish to be ow/om!

Lovingfreedom Mon 11-Feb-13 22:43:06

So it's ok to knowingly have sex with a married man????

Sometimes the married man conceals the fact that he's married, as well. If you don't know that your new playmate is not as single as he claimed to be, you are in no way responsible for his behaviour.

But in general, if people stopped thinking of sexual partners as property and stopped basing their own self-esteem on how far they succeed in controlling someone else's genitalia, the world would probably run more smoothly.

MorrisZapp Mon 11-Feb-13 22:45:59

Same reason anybody has a relationship, probably. They like and fancy the person and its mutual.

That is presumably the driving force.

Lovingfreedom Mon 11-Feb-13 22:49:03

Yes I agree with you to some extent SGB but isn't it more morally acceptable to negotiate an arrangement in which that can happen rather than sneak around lying and deceiving other people?

AuntieMaggie Mon 11-Feb-13 22:55:20

For me a combination of some of the reasons above... I had just come out of a relationship that had wrecked my self esteem and one night when we were drunk we ended up having sex - he initiated it not me and I had never done anything to make him think sex was on the table.

I was lonely and self destructive. He never once lied to me or promised me anything. He was my friend and occasionally we'd have sex. It was like a drug and I did things with him I had never done before or since. It ended when he moved away and I haven't spoken to him since.

I know there are no excuses for what we did and I would never do it again. But I can't completely regret what happened because I probably wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for what happened between us.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 11-Feb-13 23:03:19

I think its insecurity to some, and if the man leaves his wife, then it makes her feel special at first, because her picked her, then the reality sinks in.

Adversecamber Mon 11-Feb-13 23:03:42

I have known two OW well, one was lonely and had poor self esteem.

The other is my sister. She is an actual mistress, flown round the world by her very rich lover as a Companion on his business trips. He is a hedge fund manager in the city and I know his first name only.

He clothes her and spends a lot of money on her. I struggle with it, she is calculating. There are five sisters in our family, two have disowned her and my other sister will once our Mother dies, I am also contemplating this.

I don't think many OW are Mistresses like my sister is.

ohfunnyhoneyface Mon 11-Feb-13 23:28:33

My friend has become a serial OW and has now a deeply troubling obsession with wanting to find a married man to leave his wife/family for her.

She is deeply damaged and I'm telling her to get therapy.

Abitwobblynow Tue 12-Feb-13 14:15:42

Alittlestranger: 'The cheater isn't cheating on his children, he's not breaking any vows he made to them.'

- are you for real??? How old are you? Don't you realise that this is THE most important relationship of all? That messing this one messes them up? Children are helpless and vulnerable. They NEED their parent's love and safety and consistency in order to develop.

They, unlike adults, don't have a choice!!! Sheesh. Please.

It is a miracle that 'my' OW is alive, let alone unharmed, let alone uncontacted, for what she helped do to my children. She took their life and their safety away from them - for what??? A fantasy of her own???? Their lives, vs her ishoooos?
It took a lot of self-control not to take steps to destroy her. None of us should EVER hurt children. Whether we are related to them or not, we all have a duty of care towards our most vulnerable angry angry

Looksgoodingravy Tue 12-Feb-13 15:19:48

Spot on Abitwobblynow!

I too have had to take huge steps to avoid confrontation towards the ow. Although I did make contact, had my say (while still remaining dignified) there have been times when I could have quite easily made things difficult. In my imagination I still do, I need to get past this, I don't want to think about them anymore.

To hurt me meant also hurting my ds!

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 12-Feb-13 15:41:10

Alittlestranger: 'The cheater isn't cheating on his children, he's not breaking any vows he made to them.'

When we have children, we make an unspoken vow to them, to protect them and love them, no matter what, relationships may fail, but when one parent cheats on the other, it disrupts the family unit, disrespecting the faithful parent, and disrespecting the children, by basically saying "the life i made here isnt good enough".

Both my parents cheated on each other, and it hurt alot throughout my teenage years, and i still struggle even at nearly 30, i made peace with my parents over it, but the damage is lasting.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 12-Feb-13 15:52:51

Some don't know that they are the other woman.

Looksgoodingravy Tue 12-Feb-13 16:06:13

Those who don't know they are the ow can be forgiven but not those who knew about the wife/partner and dc.

carolst Tue 12-Feb-13 16:21:00

Hmm interesting points. I know the blame lies at my H feet as he is the one that made a promise, not her. I also know she isn't innocent as is already lying to him that she is a rape victim, raped by her husband, doesn't drink or smoke has never done it before etc etc, where as I know for a fact that she has done it before, is the boss in the house, and drinks heavily.
I also know she is telling him to be meaner to me and DC BUT he is the fool that listens so his fault. She begged me for forgiveness and not to tell her husband and that she would stop, but then straight off the phone to me, texted him again.

I think, and know from past experience, that when I meet a man and it seems they be interested I would end contact, or avoid extra contact, as fact I'm married. That is a principle I know I will stick too. If he told me his marriage was over etc, I would say OK I'll see you when you've done what you were doing. BUt that is me.

Mintberry Tue 12-Feb-13 16:37:35

The man may not always advertise the fact that he has a wife and kids up front and by the time she finds out she already has feelings for him. Have known this happen, anyway.

MindTheFlap Tue 12-Feb-13 16:59:33

In my experience - husband had affair - the other woman was lonely hadn't had a shag for ages and actively sought out my husband played on his insecurities and gave him attention and actively pushed for him to leave me and the kids - eventually asking him to lend her a very substantial amount of money within 3 months of getting together with him ......................

True colours shine thru eventually

money grabbing batch

neontetra Tue 12-Feb-13 17:02:17

A very close family member of mine was OW forty years ago. She fell in love with her now dh. He had fallen out of love with his then dw. Sad, but it happens. The couple in question have been happily married now for forty years. There are other couples i know and respect too who started as an affair - i wouldn't dream of judging them. Though i do get, of course, how angry the partner who is cheated on or left must feel.

If you think you are entitled to 'destroy' someone for having sex with a man you regarded as your 'property' then maybe it's not that surprising you got dumped. No one is entitled to own another person.

As for children: they can grow up happy and healthy without their parents practising heteromonogamy. Having step-parents and/or parents who have a variety of sexual partners is not necessarily a bad thing as long as the original parents can treat each other with courtesy as co-parents and treat the children well. And there is no better lesson for DC to learn than that heteromonogamy is not compulsory but one option among many, and that what matters is to treat others with courtesy and kindness as much as possible.

I know an OW. He was married with children. They worked together.

Why did she choose to become the OW? Well she didn't apparently, she genuinely does not see herself as the OW. His marriage "was already over". I think she has confused the difference between a relationship going through a weak point and a relationship that is over. Unfortunately, the fact he still lived with his wife to whom the breakup came as a horrible shock points to the former. She won't see it, and in fact can't allow herself to see it now as they are now married to each other.

Bizarrely she holds very strong moral opinions about most other things. We shouldn't underestimate people's ability to rewrite the grey areas to fit their particular set of circumstances.

I did it.
I was the last person I ever thought would, but I did it.
I met someone I couldn't live without.
Saw him off and on for about a year, then walked away and confessed all to my then husband.
Didn't see him for another year and tried to patch up my terrible marriage.

Couldn't bear it. Found him again.

After a year, about three years after we first met, and after I separated from my husband, we had sex for the first time. So it wasn't all about shagging, I don't think.
He went to therapy to search his soul, and at the beginning of this year left his wife.

I feel for her, but I'm shocked at how little. He's mine. Has been from day one.

Reality has well and truly kicked in. He's had winter vomiting bug all week, so I've spent a fair amount of time scrubbing his puke, washing his clothes, making him soup and giving him meds.
Don't mind a bit. In fact, I'm blissfully happy to be doing it, because I love him, and I know he would do exactly the same for me.

Our relationship didn't start well. There's no 'meet-cute' to tell anyone about. People got hurt.
But there was nothing else we could have done. Even staying with our partners would have been an insult to them, because we both loved someone else.

Maybe karma will get us, but in the meantime, we're happy.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 12-Feb-13 18:01:32

My dad had an affair. My Stepmother was the other woman. She was miserable, my dad was miserable. They have now been together for 12 years and are married.

My mum still reckons she would want to punch my stepmum if she saw her. Personally I think thats pathetic. Mum is re-married now as well. My dad maintains that if he hadn't left he would have killed himself. As for my stepmum, she has been a better mother to me than my own mum, and although I was deeply damaged by the split, I mostly blame my mothers reaction to it and actions after it.

clam Tue 12-Feb-13 18:24:28

rockinastocking

"we're happy" Oh goodie for you. Is his wife? Are his children? I presume you couldn't give a shit.

"there was nothing else we could have done" "He's mine." "I met someone I couldn't live without."

Bollocks. angry You've been reading too many romantic novels. Grow up.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 12-Feb-13 18:34:42

Rocking do you ever worry about the age old saying 'When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy'?

Genuinely curious.

He has no children. Mine like him a lot and have pointed out that both me and their dad seem much happier apart.

His wife is probably very unhappy, but by her admission was for a long time before I came on the scene.

No, no romantic novels. It's just the way it is. I do love him, and yes, I suppose I could live without him, and will in all probability have to one day, but once I knew him, and knew what life could be like there was no going back.

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