Today I am going to dump my boyfriend

[freddiemercuryismine]

Hold my hand please.

He's a lovely lovely man I love the bones of him. But the relationship is never going to work and I need end it. He gets back from a work trip today and will phone me to let me know he's home and I am going to dump him.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If it's not going to work it doesn't make you a heartless bitch to end it ... it makes you someone who has self-respect and doesn't want to waste their or anyone else's time. I'm sure you'll handle it sensitively. Good luck

[freddiemercuryismine]

Thank you. I am so so SAD. Just sad.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's always sad. Doing the right thing is often difficult. Far easier to take the path of least resistance, ignore your feelings, carry on as if nothing's wrong .... and wake up five or ten years from now wondering 'where did my life go?' Too many people end up like that. It's miserable

[freddiemercuryismine]

True but it would be so much easier if he was a bastard and he's not he's everything I could possibly want but we are not at the same place in our lives. Which sounds like wanky psychobabbly shit but is true. We want different things and I would never ever want him to change.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Nice people are not necessarily the right people. I've been out with perfectly nice men before but if it's not right, it's not right. You can't pyschobabble you're way around that fundamental ... but you can waste a lot of time trying.

[freddiemercuryismine]

True. But I feel rubbish I know it's the right thing to do. I hope to goodness I don't chicken out.

[flatbellyfella]

Nice new name Freddie,
Only you, can make this decision to end your relationship with your current partner, it's the only thing to do. If it's not working for you,& like cogito said, if you don't do it now, years will pass & you will still be stuck in a not working relationship. We will be here to hand hold,if needed. Be brave.
Best wishes.

[freddiemercuryismine]

Thank you. am wandering around in a daze drinking coffee and crying off and on.

[Lovingfreedom]

Why do you want the relationship to end?

[freddiemercuryismine]

It's a long distance relationship and we hardly see each other and because of his work that's not going to change for the next 3 or 4 years.

[Lovingfreedom]

Ah well...at least you've got a reason for ending it that you can explain to him. Hopefully that will make it easier than feeling that either of you got something wrong etc. Good luck.

[freddiemercuryismine]

Thank you

[Mmmnoodlesoup]

Good luck, how are you going to tell him?

[freddiemercuryismine]

it will be over the phone.

[howdidithappen]

Do the right thing though and talk it through with him. If you think he is ace then he will no doubt think the same of you and he will be heartbroken. It will help him enormously though if you clearly explain the reasons. Dont just gloss over it with "its not you its me" etc.

Good Luck.

[Numberlock]

Some questions, freddie:

• how often do you get to see him
  
• how long have you been together
  
• how old are you both
  

Just thinking that depending on the answers to the above, does it necessarily have to be over?

Also, do you think there is any likelihood of him throwing a spanner in the works and saying that you are more important than his work and he will move to be with you?

Where there's a will there's a way, if he is as lovely as you say and if he loves you as much as you love him, depending on circumstances of course.

[freddiemisagreatshag]

Usually every other weekend but that won't be possible until at least the summer now with his work I don't think

nearly a year

In our 40's


No chance of him throwing a spanner in the works. I'd be disappointed if he did - he wouldn't be the man I thought he was.

My friend just said the same thing, can't I wait for him - made me think

[freddiemisagreatshag]

(it's still me btw I just n/c to a better name)

[Numberlock]

I'm with your friend on this one.

So by summer you'll be able to see each other every other weekend.

What about between now and then?

[Lovingfreedom]

Depends what you want. I'm in my 40s and enjoy a just at weekends/every other weekend arrangement atm cos it gives me regular sex and friendship without pressure of living with someone. Leaves time for friends, kids, work etc and still feels like a treat when we do see each other. Wouldn't work for everyone but there are benefits

[freddiemisagreatshag]

Well he's home for a bit in the summer (like July) then away again until god knows when.

I don'tknow what to do.

[freddiemisagreatshag]

He has always worked away but this job is new and means he's away much more.

[Walkacrossthesand]

I think that if you can both see a future together, and the living apart is (relatively) temporary, you don't have to end it do you?? As long as you have a 'plan'.... I imagine DCs aren't on the agenda, and if you have a 'quality' (imagine cockney accent) bloke, you can nake the most of time apart & time together. My LDR ended because the bloke didn't see a future - we'd still be together, and within a few montgs of relocating, if he'd felt differently. Time passes very quickly!

[Walkacrossthesand]

PS what you are describing is a way of life for naval wives - its the commitment that counts. 'if you're not sure what to do, do nothing...'

[SolidGoldBrass]

I'm not sure why it won't 'work'. You say you are in your 40s - are you keen to have one more baby before it's too late or something? Otherwise, if he's so lovely, why on earth not just enjoy the time you have with him and build an enjoyable life for yourself for the time when he's away? A couple-relationship doesn't have to involve living in each other's pockets or even living together, you can just enjoy this for what it is and in fact it will probably be more enjoyable than a living-together relationship.